I have a date tonight, and I feel like I'm 17 again, which is awesome at 42, because to me, as teenagers we often have really pure dating experiences. I'm going to lay out the journey a lot of us go through: from having excitement, opening our hearts, and having fun dating, to the point where the more we date, the more everything seems hopeless. We start closing our hearts, dating stops being fun, and we often withdraw, give up, or get completely into dysfunction. I'm grateful that what I can articulate is my own journey going through that whole process, and then getting back to what dating should feel like: it's fun, it's exciting, I feel so vulnerable, I'm scared. At the same time, that's the jumping-off place to landing a great relationship.
A lot of what people are teaching you on Dating YouTube is actually teaching you to be very guarded, defensive, and critical. Don't put yourself out there. Just get what you want. In my experience, that's a way to be miserable and for your whole life not to go well.
What Dating Felt Like at 17
So first, let's articulate what dating felt like when I was 17. I remember I had this perfect — I can't imagine how she could be more beautiful — woman at work. I guess I could say girl; we were both 17. We worked together at a grocery store, and I went through her checkout lane. I don't remember even having her on my radar; I just noticed she was cute. I don't remember having a bunch of conversation with her or anything, but I was checking out in her line one day, and she just stared deep into my eyes, which caught me really off guard and left me feeling really excited. So when it was my turn to check out, I asked for her phone number right there, and she wrote it down on a piece of paper. It was a busy time in the store, with customers waiting. Then I called her and arranged a date.
I remember being so excited about that date. I had very little idea of how bad things could go. I was just open-hearted and enthusiastic: this is awesome, there's nothing I'd rather be doing tonight, this is so cool and fun. I wasn't defensive, I had no expectations that it would go negative — just, this is awesome, let's see what happens. I was filled with curiosity and excitement, with such an open heart.
It didn't end up working out well. I played video games all day before the date, got into some drama playing them, pissed off my clan, and blew all my dopamine on the computer. Then when she picked me up, she had a two-door sports car and a cell phone, which was a big deal in 2001. I remember feeling out of place, like, I don't know if I even belong here — this is too good to be true. Then I started to get really insecure on the date. We went to see a movie, and afterward she took me over to see her friends, and all her friends were beautiful too. It was all girls and me — a bunch of beautiful 17-year-olds and me. I just felt so out of place, unworthy, insecure. I was afraid I was getting kicked out of my clan, and I went into this big negative spiral.
Then, as we were heading to one of her friends' houses, I asked her to take me home, and she's like, are you crazy? It's summertime, it's like nine o'clock. I made excuses about my parents not wanting me out late, and she interpreted it as: he doesn't like me. She interpreted it as being rejected, and after that she didn't want anything to do with me. Then I got home, hopped right onto the video game, and found I'd been kicked out of the clan anyway. And then I had a moment of clarity about how badly I'd screwed up. If I had that night to do over again, I would stay out all night with her and her friends. I would never have asked to be taken home, I wouldn't have cared about a video game, and I would have accepted those feelings — I might even have articulated some of them as best I could.
Ten Years of Getting Guarded
What happened over the next 10 years as I dated is that I often got pretty bitter, defensive, and cold-hearted. I'd go out and drink, meet women, hook up right away, meet women online, and it turned into this thing that wasn't heartfelt anymore. There would be some excitement sometimes, but I'd often be very guarded, or I'd be looking at dating like playing a video game, where the objective is to get that conversion, get that sale, so to speak, at the end of the night in my bedroom. That was all I cared about. A lot of the women I went out with, I hardly felt anything for. Sometimes I'd have two dates set up in one night. I'd just ask every woman out everywhere all the time, and I got kind of cold-hearted and numb to rejection a lot of the time.
Thankfully, I was able to be open-hearted enough when I met my ex. But I used drinking to cope with the feelings — when the feelings got too much, which they would several times a week, I'd just get hammered — and I barely managed not to sabotage the relationship. There was also this consistent pattern going back to that date when I was 17: I kind of self-sabotaged it. Things were going really well from her side, and I just ruined it. That theme kept playing out in my dating. Women would like me, and I'd send them some nasty message and sabotage it.
It was amazing with my ex — I barely withheld sending that nasty message after the third date, when she wasn't ready to commit to me. I was like, man, I know she's dating someone else. I got drunk and had my ex over, along with the woman before her, and I thought, well, I'm not that great either — let's just see if she'll go out with me again. I'm amazed we made it through that. But I remember I had this opening in my heart and this excitement, like, I don't care if it doesn't work out, I'm going to go for it anyway and see if it's going to work out. And I had a really nice relationship with my ex for 15 years.
The Trail of Tears After Divorce
But then I got divorced, and dating turned into a trail of tears — almost purely suffering. Excitement lasted very short times and then got crushed almost immediately, and it was totally confusing. I didn't even know what to do or what to think. Dating has mostly been painful: a lot more pain, hurt, suffering, confusion, feeling sad, rejected, lost, or annoyed than anything else.
I made a video a few days ago asking, is anyone having fun dating in 2026? I'm grateful for those of you who watched that. And I realized: I ought to be having fun dating. I don't know why I would be dating without having fun. It's funny — I've just had one inspirational idea for a video after another, and I met a woman literally the day after I made that video. I met her at the yoga studio, and I'm so excited about her. I'm certainly risking being hurt, but at this point, I know I can handle it. I can handle being hurt.
I texted her — she's out working for most of the day — and I hadn't heard from her for three hours, even though we've been texting all day, every day. I texted her this morning; last night she said thank you, I'm looking forward to seeing you tomorrow. So I messaged her this morning, and oh my god, there's so much energy. I'm so excited to see her, and I'm so terrified of her canceling, bailing, backing out, or being like, oh, I'm too tired from work. There's so much emotion, and what I feel is alive — and feeling alive is fun. I'm glad I know today that I can handle the loss and the hurt. What I can't handle is having dating not be fun. What I can't handle is going around not opening my heart up to women, not giving women a chance, and then feeling bad when it doesn't work out.
Running Game Backfired on Me
With this woman, I've done the opposite of what I did with another woman recently. I went out with a rich woman from another country who was very attractive to me and wanted to have kids, and we both seemed very health conscious. So what happened? Well, I was too guarded with her. Every phone notification, I'm like, oh, is it her, is it her? I was way too guarded. I was in my head trying to run game, and I ran game on the first date — I'd been watching these YouTubers reminding me of some of the stuff I'd forgotten while I was married. I had her talking and laughing for 80 percent of the date. The baby next to us was loving me and kept licking and waving. I gave the waitress a big tip, and this woman saw that I was very friendly with the waitress. I gave her a kiss at the end of the date because she seemed like she really wanted it, and she seemed to really like me and feel something.
But then I started playing this game of being distant. So many of these guys on YouTube had been telling me: don't text her for several days after the date, make her miss you, drive her crazy. So I tested that, and it worked terribly. We initially had some nice chemistry on the date, and we scheduled a second date, which she seemed very enthusiastic about scheduling. She was responsive to my text messages, and then she said, awesome, I'm looking forward to the date on Sunday — and I didn't text her anything in reply for 48 hours. After 48 hours, she said, I'm not feeling the romantic spark, let's cancel that date. I felt all hurt at the time, but looking back now, I didn't open my heart to her at all. I was so guarded. I was like, we've got this date scheduled, I don't need to do anything.
The woman I have a date planned with tonight seems to appreciate the attention, so I've been consistently giving her attention, opening my heart to her, and opening my heart to the possibilities with her. And if it doesn't work out with her, I'm so grateful anyway — because this is what I need to do every time.
I need to open my heart and try to love a woman from the very beginning, and whoever doesn't want that, that's okay. The more I open my heart and love honestly, the faster the wrong woman will be repulsed — faster than by playing games and being guarded — and I feel so alive. I've been listening to Kesha's Warrior album.
She Just Texted Me
Oh, look who texted me right now. She said, morning, thank you, and she texted me a picture of this fancy boat she's working on. Dude, I could fucking cry right now. I feel so relieved. Oh god, she just sent me like three messages, and it's been three hours. And you know what — yesterday she asked if she could please work, because she could make hundreds of dollars working instead of seeing me at the time we'd scheduled, but then see me later. I felt sick to my stomach when she sent me that message, and I realized: this is how I should feel. This is what great, fun dating should be like. You should feel so much, and it's so scary. It's so scary to feel, but I feel so alive. I'm losing my mind. It's great.
I'm not here to be a zombie and just try to accumulate money and status. I'm here to live and experience life. So if you want to live and experience life, if you want mentorship, if you want a partner — not a dating partner, but a partner in navigating this experience — join the Jerry Banfield Family. I've set it up now so that when you join the Family, you can text me anytime — you can send me your phone number if you'd like, I'll add you to my contacts, and you get 25 minutes to talk with me every week. I'm there to support you.
To me, this matters because I've had people who mentored me in dating, and yet this feeling of being alive and opening my heart came from within. Nobody was even saying this. I went through all these dating videos, and this is just intuitive: what I've come to believe is that you need to open your heart and give yourself to this woman, and if she doesn't want it, then open your heart and give yourself to the next woman, and again until it works. You are so strong — you can handle it if it doesn't work. What you can't handle, in my experience, is going through life like a zombie, feeling like you're dead and that there's no reason anymore to try to date. Dating is awesome, and I'm so grateful. This has been a hell of an emotional roller coaster.
Sending Emotion, Feeling Emotion
If you want to have a really great relationship, you need to be able to really feel. This woman and I have escalated our feelings so much. I remember seeing some guy tell me in a video that you need to be able to send an emotion when you text a woman, and I was having a hard time understanding that, because I was so in my head. But with this woman, I immediately opened my heart to her, and when it tried to close, I said no — keep it open, stick with it. I've intuitively known how to send her messages that provoke emotion, and I know I've done that when I feel disgustingly vulnerable. Some women are not going to like that, and good — they can leave. This woman has really liked it, and she's responded with her own vulnerability, and she's always reacted positively. Even the day after I met her, I texted her first thing in the morning — not just good morning, but good morning plus one other thing — and she took like five hours to reply. Then, while I was talking about her to my massage therapist, she replied right then, and I felt this relief that I'm not just feeling this by myself.
Heart-to-Heart Energy
I've come to believe our feelings are communicated telepathically, heart to heart, directly to another person. I've noticed with all the other women, I've communicated a lot of fear that way. Like that single mom I did a story about before — if I can find the video title, I'll go back to it. It's not what it sounds like, but I put out the opposite energy toward that single mom. She had reached out to me, really liked me, and was so excited to see me again. And yet I put out this energy toward her of not trusting her, of being guarded, of not believing her, of figuring she would ghost me, figuring she would cancel on me. I didn't open my heart to her, and what's crazy is it's like she could feel that — and then she did ghost me. I swear, in some parallel universe I would test this: if I feel differently toward her, she acts differently toward me. To me, this is the most hopeful message my videos have. How you feel toward someone and how you open your heart to people will determine how they react to you.
Often in life, it's about forgetting all the hurts we've endured. To me, true forgiveness is to say: look, all the hurts I've endured dating and all the hurts I've given dating — I forgive all of that. And I'm going to go forward with this woman today as if it's my first date that I've ever been really excited about, and I'm 17 years old again, and I'm going to go for it. But this time, I'm going to be aware of self-sabotage, and this time I have the wisdom of having done all this before, so I'm more ready to have a relationship and to communicate than when I was 17. If you want to follow the whole journey, from the trail of tears to feeling 17 again, I share it all in my Dating playlist.
I'm so grateful to share this. I want dating to be better, and I'm here to help — so if you appreciated this message, join the Jerry Banfield Family.