Hey, it's your boy Jerry Banfield, back with Jerry Banfield Dating. Let me whisper in your ear and tell you a story you might love to hear. In the dating advice you see online these days, lots of times dudes are like, yeah, if she doesn't immediately want to just bang you and do everything you want, then she's low interest, or you need to up your game, and you should forget about her. What I've noticed in real life is that often women are really attracted to guys who are persistent.
Now, I'm not talking about when she's trying to say stop, no, and don't. Remember that Eazy-E song? "You don't have to front on me," dude. I'm not trying to keep persisting after a woman says, hey, I'm not interested, I'm never going to be interested, don't call me, stop calling, I don't want to talk anymore. But a lot of women are not doing that. Most of them are not doing that. Most of the women I'm talking with are busy. Maybe they're dating somebody casually, or they're just on the first, second, or first few dates with someone.
The tennis woman: a month of asking
So I have this one woman who has never mentioned a boyfriend, a husband, a girlfriend, a wife, anything like that. She's beautiful, she's professionally successful, and she's in fantastic shape. I met her playing tennis, and we played tennis a few times, just a little bit. I was trying to sync up and connect mind to mind and all that, and just be smooth about it. So one day, after we played, I managed to be smooth about it, and I got her phone number in the context of, hey, I'd like to play a full set with you, or a full match with you. She says, sure. She gave me her phone number, and we talked a little bit, for about 30 minutes. That was a month ago.
Then, the first time we were supposed to play tennis, it got rained out. I offered to do something else, and she said she was going to be lame and stay home. The next week, she was busy, and she didn't give me another day. The week after that, she was busy, and she didn't give me another day. So three weeks went by, and meanwhile I think I ran into her and said hi once. Other than that, I didn't see her, and I didn't try to text her all the time either. Then finally, about a week ago or a little less, I just texted her again, asking, hey, are you free to play this week? And she says yes. Not the day I wanted to play, but here's two other days I could play. I was like, awesome! She hadn't offered any other days the other weeks. But this week, she did.
See, this is why persistence is very important. Maybe less so on dating apps, but even on dating apps. I've heard stories from women who said a guy messaged them two, three, four times and didn't get a single reply. Then the last time, he's like, alright, I'm deleting this app, I just wanted to check with you before I delete it. And she ended up messaging him and going out with him. A lot of times, what is attractive to the women I've talked to in person about this is that most guys don't persist. Most guys give up very easily.
Why the default answer is often no
The way I see it, women often have kind of a defense mechanism where their default response is to say no. Obviously, these are generalizations, this is my experience, and it's not accurate for everybody. In my experience, persistence is often attractive because many women have defense mechanisms to stop themselves from easily getting picked up by guys. Now, sure, is this most relevant to more attractive women? Absolutely. But it applies to everybody. I think a lot of us are actually often pretty defensive. Take me in business. Even when somebody pays at jerrybanfield.com to schedule a call, my default response when they bring up anything about business, anything I should do with it besides talk with them on the call, is no.
Over the years, I've had a number of people schedule calls and propose business ideas. Like, well, Jerry, I'd like you to be a partner in this new app I'm making. My default response is no. I'm a content creator, and this is what I'm good at. I'm not going to be sitting around in Zoom meetings and then hoping I get a percentage later. I'm definitely not doing anything without getting paid immediately up front, because I've got people who will pay immediately up front. So my default response is generally no to most things and most people in business. That's why I make it so you have to pay to talk to me. I don't even have an interest in talking to you for free, because I'm already talking to people who pay. Putting it in this context, it's easy to understand why, for lots of women, the default response to most guys most of the time is no.
Then there are all these toxic narratives on social media: YouTube, X, Facebook, Twitter, whatever y'all are using. I'm on all that stuff, and it's all linked on jerrybanfield.com if you use those other ones. A lot of the default responses out there are going to be no. And if the default is... alright, I slipped there for a minute. There's no script here. I'm just going off the top of my head, because I know this stuff and it's more interesting that way. A lot of toxic narratives go around saying that if a woman doesn't say yes immediately, you're not hot enough, you haven't looksmaxxed enough, you're not a Chad, you're a loser, you should just quit and withdraw from dating, all this crap. But what I've found is that women often see persistence as a sign that you have some genuine interest in them, that you're not just trying to get laid, that you're not purely interested in them as a woman, but that you do care and you're not the regular guy. Most guys quit. And most of the time over the last year, with the women I've dated, I've quit almost immediately and just given up.
Persisting without nagging
I have two women I'm persisting with right now. The first one is the woman I played tennis with. I finally got to play tennis with her, and we had so much fun. That came after a month of persisting without being nagging. The difference between nagging and persisting is probably an appropriate frequency. I generally would message this woman once or twice a week. In this context, I'm not even sure if she sees it as a date. I know I'd like it to be a date. But if it's not a date, that's fine, because I want to play tennis anyway. She and I are very close in skill, and she's actually a little bit better. She's in fantastic shape. I just love being out there on a tennis court with her.
So I finally did get to meet up with her and play tennis, and it felt so good. I'm so grateful I persisted. I'm so grateful I didn't just give up after it rained, and then after she wasn't available the next week and didn't offer another time, and then after she wasn't available the week after that and didn't offer another time. I'm glad I literally tried for a fourth time over the period of a month. The other times didn't bother me. It's like, okay, it didn't work out there. Didn't work out there. Didn't work out there. How about this time?
See, you don't know what could change in somebody else's life. Maybe she was dating someone before. Or maybe after me persisting this many times, she started to think of me differently. Maybe at first she just thought, this guy just wants to play tennis with me, or whatever. But maybe after I persisted this many times, she thought, I think this guy likes me. And do I like him? Now, in the past, I would have tried to immediately cram some certainty into this and tried to ask her, hey, are you single? In another context, that might be appropriate. This is why dating is so complicated, and this is why I'm a fantastic person to talk to about dating. I appreciate the complexity of dating. It's not as simple as little systems and little rules, do this and if that. You've got to have a big picture and be flexible and open-hearted.
Down 0-4, then three games in a row
So I showed up, and she showed up on time. We had an awesome time playing tennis. My God. She wore red, and she wore me out. She was up. I was down 0-4 against her. Then I won three games in a row after that, which felt really good. She ended up winning 6-4. But I'm out there, and there are other guys playing on the court, and I'm like, I'm out here with a beautiful woman playing tennis right now. Having a great time. Laughing. I'm like, thank you for this. Thank you. I'm so glad I didn't give up. I'm so glad I didn't just quit and go, oh, whatever, it's never going to work out, she didn't like me, she said no. Because what I don't know is what might have changed in her life. I don't know if how she thinks about me changed, or if some other circumstance changed. This is why persisting in general with people, if you're very interested, is really attractive. As long as they don't say stop, no, and don't.
Knowing when not to persist
I don't tend to persist as much if a woman tries to clearly put me in a box with something like, I just want to be friends. Especially if she says that twice. I have one woman who gave me the friends stuff earlier this year. Then I saw her and tried again, and she gave me the friends stuff again. I'm like, now that's not a place to persist. She's made it pretty clear she doesn't see me that way. And I'm like, all right. But the women I persist with don't shut down the idea of dating. And I don't have to force the answer either. I don't have to immediately demand that it's a dating context.
Now, if I know a woman a bit better, where we've seen each other at events and got to talk for a while, and then she just wants to see me at other events and doesn't want to meet up to do anything, yeah, I'm not going to persist there. So that's what's tricky: knowing when to persist versus when not to persist. To me, it helps when there are a few things in play. First, playing tennis. I'm happy to play tennis with this woman whether she wants to date or not. I have fun with her, and I want to play tennis anyway, whether it's with her, with a guy, whatever. I want to play tennis. So this has made it easier to persist with her, because what I want to do with her is something I really want to do anyway.
Then I have another woman I'm persisting with, and she very clearly sees me in a dating context. She actually canceled or flaked last minute a couple of times. A lot of guys in this case have told me, that's not worth pursuing, give up on her. Well, let me read you the text she sent me yesterday. She said, "I appreciate your persistence."
I've talked to a number of women who have said that exact same thing, whether it's about me or about other guys. I knew this beautiful woman a year ago. Just gorgeous. I had a strong connection with her, and she had a strong connection with me. But she was wasting her time with a guy who, in my opinion, was a total loser. The one thing I guess he had going was his height, and maybe he wasn't totally ugly. But this guy was not some super good-looking Chad. His money and his job were blue collar. This is not some guy who was impressing women with his money or his car. This is a guy who was living with his parents, in a trailer. This is not a guy you would think of as the one who's going to get a beautiful woman.
He asked 20, 30, 40 times
But how did he end up getting with this beautiful woman? Persistence. He kept trying. She said she must have said no to him 20, 30, 40 times. And finally she said yes. Now, it didn't seem like their relationship went that well either. I was hoping I could get her to slide him out of the picture, but she just wouldn't let go of this guy, even though it was so dysfunctional. And what did he do? He persisted through her defenses, where almost all the other guys had failed. This woman worked with a bunch of men. There were men all around her, and I'm sure some of them were single. And yet this guy persisted and continued to ask her out, and he was able to succeed when, in many people's opinion, I would have been a big upgrade over this guy in her life. She's in a relationship now, last I heard. I don't know if it's with him or not.
But here's the key message. I've learned that if there's a woman I have some genuine interest in, persistence is the way to go. Even if my interest isn't sky high, I might as well keep persisting until I'm not interested. And if I'm not interested, I will immediately stop. For example, I went out with a couple of women a couple of days ago, I guess it was four days ago now, and I didn't message either of them, because I'm not interested in seeing them again. Now, here's what's interesting, though. If either of them actually messaged me and persisted with me, they probably could get a shot at me. But they didn't.
Effort is attractive
So lots of times you can do something to change how somebody feels about you just by simply putting some effort in. Take a woman I went out with about three weeks ago. She didn't feel there was a connection with me, and one of the big things I can see is that I didn't put enough effort in with her. She said clearly that she really appreciated effort, and she was not one of these women who wants a low-effort guy who's barely there. I saw a video that really spoke to that. It said women don't like low-effort guys for the most part, but they'll tolerate low effort from a guy they're really interested in. Generally, and this is my experience, women appreciate medium to high effort. Now, that doesn't mean you need to get crazy and go way over the top, texting her all day every day and sending her flowers at work every day. But in my experience, higher effort is generally going to get better results with women, because that's also something that can't be duplicated that easily. I only have time to put in high effort with a limited number of women.
A lot of women these days, especially, are getting advice from women dating coaches who are telling them to stay away from avoidant men. Guys who don't text you. Guys who don't call you. Guys who aren't obsessed with you. Stay away from them, because they're probably seeing a whole bunch of other women, and you're not their first priority. I agree with that. When I'm really excited about a woman and I'm texting her all the time, like I was with the queen, I didn't even want to make time to text other women.
My mom and dad
So I hope this story is useful for you. If you're thinking about quitting with someone, think again. Yes, sometimes it's not going to work out. But other times, it goes like it did with my mom and dad. My mom didn't like my dad at all when she met him. He persisted for months, and eventually he got the whole package with my mom: kids, a thirty-some-year marriage, and he passed away with her at his side.
So persistence is essential. Effort is attractive. And almost everybody who's telling you anything besides this is not right. If you want more stories like this one, they're all on my Dating playlist.
If you want to talk with me, I'm available at jerrybanfield.com. Join the chat: an unmoderated chat, just with me and everybody else who joined, with lifetime access.
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Like this anonymous person, who said, "Thank you for being passionate about the truth." Then Mac. I don't even remember this tip coming in. Mac dropped a $10 tip on August 31st, and he put a name in there with it: "Thank you. Thanks Jerry. You're the man. And I got the Jerry vibe." So I really appreciate the tips. They stay up there indefinitely, and I'll show them off indefinitely. Thanks for reading, and I hope to see you again soon.