A Prayer in the Dark
There's a battle raging for my soul today. This is my vlog for September 16th, 2026. I was in bed last night, and I had seen the woman I used to call the Queen. I'm going to call her the Lone Wolf now, because I think that's a better nickname. I managed to run by her again yesterday, and I was all consumed with her at night. I was miserable, I was crying, and I'm thinking, I wish she'd reach out. I wish there could be something there. She's a big follower of Jesus currently, and I said, you know what, Jesus, if you're real, then it seems like it would be an easy miracle for you to bring us together, and I will follow you and I will serve you. And at the same time I thought, what are you going to do if he doesn't listen? Well, I know who else is available for me. How do I know that? Well, how do you think I got back on YouTube?
Why I Deleted Everything in 2025
Why do you think I got off of YouTube and deleted millions of followers? Why do you think I deleted thousands of dollars in passive income every month, plus tens of thousands? Why do you think I deleted that in 2025? Because I was tired. I had come to see that content creation was serving Lucifer, that this whole system is a matrix designed to drain and control people, to disempower people, but that those of us who were able to consciously serve could have everything we wanted: views, power, money, women. So I got tired of that last year. I had tried for a long time to rationalize that it's not really like that, that there's light and dark online. Oh no. I've seen enough on the inside. I've seen the non-disclosure agreements. I know how it works. And I deleted everything. I said, you know what, I'm tired of serving the dark side. I'm going to go back to the light side. I'm going to help people. I'm going to massage people, help people relax, help people feel better. I'm going to start doing light work.
I felt like I was trying to play both sides as a content creator for a long time, and whenever I would just commit to the dark side, things would go well. Like in crypto for a while, I just committed. I said, I'm going to just print money. Tell me whatever you want me to say. All kinds of money, all kinds of followers. Gaming, I'll play whatever game you want. But pretend publicly that we're out here helping people, while you know how this all goes down on the back end of things. And I'm not going to do that. So I deleted everything last year and I said, I'm going to go over to the light side completely. No more of this.
The Music, the Marriage, and the Lone Wolf
I tried to stop listening to all the music: Avenged Sevenfold's "Hail to the King", Eminem, all of these, most of the popular music. I mean, who do you think it's created through? And so when I started dating the Lone Wolf, she got me listening to this completely other kind of music that felt really good. But she quickly lost interest in me, and I'm going to do a video on this at my dating channel to go into it. When I met my absolutely beautiful, still beautiful now, ex-wife 15 years ago, where do you think most of my attention and energy was focused? What kind of music do you think I listened to, what video games did I play, where was all my passion? "Hail to the King", playing video games slaying zombies, listening to all kinds of his music, his followers. And my ex loved that energy. The dynamic changed when I decided I didn't want to be a monster anymore, that I wanted to be the king, the light, the joy, that I didn't want to be the bad guy in her life. And last year, when I decided I'm going to serve the light and love and kindness and I'm going to get out of this nasty system, right after that, just within a month or two, my wife at the time, my now ex-wife, decides she needs a divorce, because she's not going to be the bad guy in the relationship.
And as soon as I quit serving him, all my money goes to zero and I have absolutely no success with women, except the one day I decided I'm going to just reach out to all these women, and I'll listen to them as much as I need to, and I'm going to get laid. The one day I fully embodied that energy, I got laid that day, immediately. I woke up and I thought, I want to get laid. Who do I need to message to get laid? What do I need to say? Got laid immediately that day. And since then I've been doing a lot of trying to follow the path of love and light and kindness and joy. Let me just be the best man I can for a woman. I'm going to give a woman unconditional love. And in my experience, women have been allergic to that. Allergic to it. On dating apps, as soon as they get a first date with me and they see that there's this loving, kind heart, they're like, no, I don't feel the chemistry here. Why? Because he has chemistry, and they want to be this one in the relationship and they want me to be that one in the relationship. But I'm trying. I feel like Jules in Pulp Fiction: I'm trying real hard to be the shepherd, like at the end of Pulp Fiction.
Ghosted With an Open Heart
So I was up last night and I was saying, please, Jesus, if you're real, bring me a good Christian woman and I will serve you the rest of my life. But if not, I'm done. Because I just went out with a woman with my loving, kind energy and she just ghosted me. I paid for the date. I literally took her to the best place in town, specifically for her. Ghosted. I showed up like this, with this loving, kind, open heart. And I woke up today all torn up. I thought, I'm going to message the Lone Wolf. I'm going to message her. I'm going to share all this love with her. And it's like, do you honestly think that's what she wants? You already offered that and she pulled away. She doesn't want love and joy from you. This is what she wants. That's what they always wanted. As soon as you refused to give this to your ex, she got rid of you.
How do you think I got back on YouTube? Well, I prayed and I tried to serve people and I asked for help, and I was all loving and joy for months and months. I sent letters, I tried to help people, tell stories. Almost nothing from almost nobody. So I prayed one night. I prayed to the Shepherd of Fire. I said, I will do whatever it takes to make money. Dear Shepherd of Fire, please guide me. And I got an immediate answer: go back on YouTube. Don't you remember what I did for you before? You can have all the followers and the money you want, and if you'll just serve me well, you can have all the women you want as well.
It was funny. The day I ran into the Lone Wolf while I was running, which I described in my live stream, I had talked with her for an hour, and she's clearly, I mean, she's happy to see me, but at the same time she doesn't want that. Oh, we could just be friends. She's not feeling the romantic connection when I'm trying to embody this. And right after that, I go to this burlesque show and there are so many beautiful women, and it's so much this kind of energy. And it's like, these amazing beautiful women, these are the kind of women I've got for you, but you can't go around acting like this and think that you're going to have those women. I'm going to do a dating video on this. Man, when I was in that dark energy, women wanted me bad. Not all women, but if I actually got a woman's attention somehow, they were drawn to that. Not all of them, because the ones that were in that energy wanted more like this. And I've been trying to be the shepherd. I've been trying to be open-hearted and loving, and it just feels like it's not working at all. All I get is ghosted. I piss my money away, the money that he gives me, on women that aren't feeling the connection.
What's crazy is that I went out with this beautiful woman that I call Number Eight, and I was fully embodying that energy on the first date. At one point halfway through the date she said, I don't know if you even like me. She gave me her number at the end of the date. She started texting me right away. She was into me showing up with that fiery but at the same time cold energy. And as soon as I started swapping over to this, now she's done. Now she's not feeling the connection. As soon as I opened my heart to her for a little bit, she's done, immediately after that. Immediately. Like, nope, I don't want a guy that can love me and have an open heart. That's who I want: the stuff I want, the things I want, the man that sits on the throne.
Crucified for ICP
So I'm figuring, and to me it's not an eternal thing. It's an ongoing battle. You can switch teams at any time. You can play for both sides. You tend to get the best results going all in on one side. I've been trying real hard to be on this side, but look where that's got me in crypto. I sit here and play the savior, the saint. I go get up on the cross for ICP, and what do I get? Crucified by my own followers. How dare you ask for money. How dare you think that you should deliver this massive value and that anybody should give you anything. That's what you get on this side: you get crucified. And before, in crypto, when I was on that side, I printed money all the time and my followers often printed money as well. I play this side, the side of virtue and the light side, and at the end of the day I get crucified. I get crucified on the honorable side in crypto. I get destroyed. My followers get destroyed. Everybody laughs at me, because almost everybody else in crypto, they know whose team they're on. They're not over here.
Come On Back, Jerry
They're laughing at me because this is what they see. They see this and they're like, you idiot, you're never going to make any money on that side. Here's where all the money's at. Here's where all the followers are at. Here's where all the community is. And they laugh at me.
So I would love to go forth in love and light in this lifetime. But if love and light doesn't pay and doesn't bring me a woman that I'm really excited to be with, if I need to be on this side to pay my bills and to have a woman that wants to have a life with me, I'll absolutely do it. I'm tired. Tired of being over here. This has done nothing. It's done absolutely nothing for me except cause me to suffer, and to me it seems like needless suffering. Whereas any of my suffering, trying to stand up for technology and crypto while getting buried by my own followers, with half my audience leaving overnight as soon as I point out there are some problems, and none of the people over here... actually, the people over here are ready to welcome me. They're like, come on back, Jerry. Come on back. We told you not to go over there. Now come back over here. We've got lots of money and lots of coins and lots of followers and exchange deals. We've got all kinds of stuff for you over here. We've been waiting for you to come back. We told you not to go over there. We told you it was bad over there.
What Actually Works
So this is where I'm at, and I expect some of you who follow along in my Daily Vlogs playlist can relate to this. Today I was feeling really low. I was thinking, I'm going to text the Lone Wolf, how much she means to me and all this. And it's like, do you think that's going to work? Does that ever work? Has that ever worked, to tell a woman how much you care and how much she means to you and what a great life she could have and how you're ready to show up? Does that work? No. I've never seen that work. I know what works. I know exactly what works. I've seen it work over and over again. I remember in high school having this realization that being a nice, loving guy that really wanted to treat a woman right and have fun, that you are not going to get ahead being that way. I remember switching intentionally. I thought, I've got to just start being a jerk. It took me a while to learn, but that's how I got with my ex-wife. I remember when I decided to be with the dispatcher. It's like, I know who she serves and I know what I need to do to get with her. And I did it.
An Open Question
So if anybody could explain to me how to be over here and make a nice paycheck doing work I love and have a woman that I really enjoy being with, that we can be open-hearted and loving and kind in this world and not get crucified together, please explain to me how and where and when I can do that. So there you go.