How I Built a Repeatable First-Date System
Here's my exact system I'm using on dating apps right now after a decade of online dating before and meeting a wife and having a fantastic relationship for 15 years. Now I'm back in a dating game. I just actually applied this last night. I watched a bunch of other people's videos. I'm going to answer questions like, do I want to kiss a girl I met from a dating app on the first date? These are things I looked up and watched other people make content on. I listened to everything they said, ran it by what feels right to me, and then practiced it in person yesterday. Things like when to text after the first date and how do I want to text or how long to follow up and should I wait for her to message after the date, all that.
Start With Your Own Abundance and Lifestyle
First is getting my own abundance, my own masculinity, my own readiness and openness to going on a date. For that, it just helps to have more and more dates as well, but also the rest of my lifestyle is a big part of that. I play tennis. I go to the gym. Go to yoga. I get massages. Especially at yoga, I'm consistently around beautiful women. My ex wife is beautiful. I'm very comfortable and used to talking to women I find very attractive. It's not like it's something unusual for me to be doing that on a date. I set the rest of my lifestyle up to be comfortable around the kind of women, at least in terms of appearance, that I would want to be with.
The work of the date is to dig into the personality and to see how compatible we are.
Listen Far More Than You Talk
Second, I assume by default, I'm only ever going to meet this person once. I should really listen to them. My intention is for them to talk the majority of the time. I do want to communicate and I want to share, but women especially seem to be attracted to a man who holds back a little bit, who's mysterious that they can fantasize about. What I've done wrong in the past is disclose way too much. After you get somebody on a dating app to meet up with you in person, which I did my video yesterday talking about that. I'm not going to talk about that again. That video is titled, I changed my hinge profile and got a date in two hours.
Setting Up the Date and Showing Up Present
I set this date up and this is how I did it yesterday. I met up. I wore an appropriate level outfit. We went for a walk in the park. I wore just a pink collared shirt, but not a dress shirt. Then I wore some shorts that look more dressy, but they're actually pretty casual. I wore a pink collared shirt, but not a dress shirt. Then just tennis shoes. It's in Florida in April, so it's warm and a walk around the park made sense. I met up with her and I was focusing right before we met up on being very present. I'm looking around at the park.
It's definitely easier looking out at the lake, looking down what are the turtles doing, watching what other people are doing. I have a vague idea of what she looks like from the app and I'm keeping an eye out from her. I'm also looking at what everybody else is doing and what's going on. I'm first getting very present. I always arrive early, so I'm there before she is. I can scope out and have a plan for where we're going to go and what we're going to do and what the vibe feels like. In a big park, where I might want to go and what my strategy would be for that.
I really like an active first date where we can walk and talk and change locations and positions like sit down, stand up, walk, stand still, look at different things. There's tons of things. Out in the park to talk to. Dinner dates, I'm not as big on. I set the date up so there can be some physical contact. When she walks up, I generally am going to go for a hug. That way, we can immediately begin the physical touch, the comfort. Then lots of times, usually the girls put some work into her appearance and her body. I want to honor that. If she's attractive, if she's not attractive, I'm not saying anything.
I break down how I approach dates like this across my my Dating playlist.
I'm going to try and get out of this as soon as possible. If she is attractive, I'm going to try and get out of this as soon as possible. If she's attractive, I'll often try and acknowledge the work that she's put in to looking nice for me. She's at home trying to figure out the right outfit and look cute. I want to acknowledge the work that she put in and set the frame like we're not here to be friends. You say the word friend, I'm done with you. I'll talk more about handling that further on. We start out and meet. I give her a hug.
Right after the hug, she looks pretty. I'm attracted to her. I acknowledge you look really cute in this outfit. That way, she knows that I see her, that I'm happy with what I see. She actually said yesterday, she said she looked at me and she's like, you do too. I'm like, nice. This is a good start, especially dates off dating apps. They cannot have such good starts sometimes. It can just be like watching a train crash over and over. It's hard to leave because you're like, how's this going to end? How bad? But yesterday, that went really well. Then we started walking. Now, as we're walking, I am intent on asking her questions and being so present, I'm listening to what she's saying.
What are you saying? What do you mean behind what you're saying? I'm listening, but I'm also being ready to generate follow up questions. I'm not thinking about what I'm going to say. I want to say as little as possible. I generally try not to talk much unless she asks me a question. Then I try and answer the question. As accurately as possible, but also without expanding in an unnecessary details and tangents unless they're funny. If I can make a joke or point out something that is interesting that's happening, I do want to get her to know me. At the same time, I just want to give her enough to get her curious, get her more interested in me, and get her to see what she wants to talk about and get back to her talking.
At one point in the date yesterday, she said that I feel like I'm talking the whole time. That, to me, is good. That means she's satisfied with how I'm listening and what I'm saying, and she feels safe and comfortable and interested in opening up. If she says something like that, then I'll say, I really want to get to know you. In this case, I'm a YouTuber. I'm used to having uninterrupted time to just go on. When I'm with people in person, I primarily want to listen to take in new material. I have all these videos that anyone can watch where I get to talk. I could talk.
I've done live streams. I talk uninterrupted, six, seven hours. I have time to talk. I have people listening to what I have to say. I want to listen. That's my go to default in a date. I want to get to know you. Tell me about you. I have plenty of people who know me and know what I have to say. I want to get to know you. We walked around the lake a time and a half. Then we found a bench. I found a bench to sit down on. We sat down. I was a little playful by sitting close to her. Further away, you want to be as playful.
You should have chemistry with someone where it's fun. You're kind of like kids together, messing with each other, having fun. Yes, the further up you get in age, that can often be a little more challenging. The 29 year old I went out with last week, she was very playful. The 57 year old I went out with a couple of months ago, less playful. That also varies a lot by person. Obviously, it really matters. If you can get that playful going, the higher the age is, the more it makes a difference. It can take a little more effort though. I was playful. I'm touching her on the arm. If you're trying to build that kind of playful chemistry in your own dating and want to talk it through, you can schedule a private call with me and talk it through together on our call.
I'm keeping the physical touch going at various points during the date. I'm continuing to move us around, but not too much. Some girls complain that the guy's constantly changing locations and positions. You want to just keep the date active so they're not getting bored. As I continued around on the date, I was playing with my date.
What Not to Overshare on a First Date
I made sure not to share too much about me that's first date appropriate. In the past, I've overshared and I've just got straight into stuff like, on the first date, I should not be telling a girl I deleted my YouTube channels. That signals instability, which I found this by testing it. On the first date, I don't want to be talking about my relationship with my ex at all unless it's to say we get along and we're great co parents with the kids or to show that I had a stable.. Yeah, we were together 15 years. Simple, short answer. We don't need to dive into that.
I've talked and had girls talk more in depth about divorces in the past and the dates went downhill after that. The first date is not a place to go in to exes and relationships. Now, this is obvious, but believe it or not, I did it in the past. The first date is a place to be playful, explore each other, and to me, it's have intellectual conversations. We got into some like Alan Watts and Wayne Dyer meeting a life. That's fun to see if you can play around and have conversations like that. We talked about health. Wellness. Now, we take care of ourselves. She told me about her family and her stories and her health.
I talked about..
Sharing My Deal Breakers Upfront
Now, some people say I shouldn't say I'm an AA or my sobriety journey. I always share my sobriety journey upfront because I don't want a girl who's not on board with me being an AA, me being sober, me going to AA meetings, me not wanting to be around drinking. If you've got deal breakers, those are the time to drop those on the first date so you don't waste anybody's time. For me, I want somebody who's not on board with me. I want somebody who's not on board with me being healthy. I don't want somebody who wants to go do activities based around drinking. Now, usually, my dating profile handles that, but I also like to share my getting sober is one of the biggest transformational times in my life.
We shared all that. We walked around for like an hour and a half. I wanted to end the date early. Usually, all the other dudes are talking about end the date before she does. This girl got the jump on me. Suddenly, we're walking around. She stopped by her car, and she ended the date. I'm like, damn. Now, here's where I messed up.
Where I Messed Up Ending the Date
I made the mistake of saying that the guys I was watching on YouTube said to never end the date early. I was thrown off. I wasn't ready for her to end the date right there. Then I just blurted out my immediate thinking. If I had to do that over again, I would just say bye to her right then. I've had a nice time with you, and then head out. What I've done in the past that didn't work very well is consistently, I have this girl on a dating app. I don't need her phone number. I message her right there. In the past, I've been very consistent about getting phone numbers all the time.
What I can say is if a girl was less interested or if a girl felt like I was a real catch for her, I was a level or two up from what she thought she deserved, then you can get away with about anything. That's what's crazy. For me, that's not dating in a satisfying environment. I want to date an equal, somebody that we're both on the right. For each other, her status and my status go together perfectly, so we both feel right. I want an equal. With an equal, these days, it seems like getting the phone number is turning them off. I know because every equal or higher girl I've dated, the phone number has been where things have went downhill. If you keep noticing one specific moment where your own dates seem to go sideways, you can schedule a one-on-one call with me and we'll talk through your situation together on our call.
Asking her for the phone number or texting her right away, that went downhill. This time, I took a completely different approach.
The Kiss Question and Slowing Down Physical Intimacy
Then it comes to, do you want to go for the kiss or not? There's a lot of debate on that. In the past, when I used to date online a bunch in my 20s, I had a firm rule that if you don't kiss by the second date, it's over. I sometimes would go all the way on the first date. Now where I'm at is once you push into the physical intimacy at the level of kissing, that starts to be special and romantic. My logical thinking can get compromised. I personally am hesitant to get in a relationship with a girl who doesn't want to go for the kiss.
I personally am hesitant to get into kissing on the first date with a girl unless you can potentially go all the way, but I don't know why. That's not a good idea on a first date based on doing that. Generally, you're not going to be in that position anyway. Yesterday, it looked like when she stood there, I could feel she was a bit nervous because I didn't realize the date was about to be over. She stood there and she looked a little nervous about ending the date. Am I going to kiss her? Am I not going to kiss her? What's going to happen? Instead, I ended up just giving her a hug and then walking off.
What I didn't do, I did not say that I wanted to see her again. I swear for some reason that just puts the fire out of any girl that's on my level. That just puts her fire of mystery and romance and attraction. I did not say that I wanted to see her again. I didn't start date planning. One thing that shows you're kind of desperate is when you start date planning ahead of time on that date, like saying, oh, we could play tennis together, pick a ball together. I just met this girl. I already have people I play tennis with. I already have a bunch of friends I do everything with.
I don't need to be future tripping on a girl I've just met and I'm not even sure we're going to get past the first date because most of the time, there's not a second date. I think this is for most people. Most of the time, especially off a dating app, there is not a second date. This is obviously, this is an AI generated picture because I didn't want to put the girl's actual face I went out with on the background here. Most of the time, the girl, I was very attracted to her. Very attracted to me. At the end of the date, I wasn't prepared and I'll be better prepared to end the date any time in the future.
If she wants to end the date, then the thing is to just leave her wanting more and head off. Now, some people are into go for the kiss on the first date. I've certainly done that. I want to wait as long as possible for physical intimacy because my logical man brain thinks better. Before we start getting physical, I can see red flags much easier before I've made out with her. Once I made out with her, my logical brain's getting pushed to the side and my other brain is starting to lead the decisions and is willingly overlooking red flags. I hooked up with this one girl right after I got separated and my logical brain was screaming, no, no.
There was another brain that was just ignoring everything. As soon as we did the activities in the bedroom, my logical brain came back on and it's like, we got to get this girl out of here. This was a bad idea. I told you so. Get her out of here. No. Then she texts me immediately over and over again. I have to say, no, this was a bad idea. Yes, you're right. I did what I did. I don't want to do that anymore because when there's physical intimacy too fast, it often ends up being very hurtful for one person or another. I don't want to do that anymore because when there's physical intimacy too fast, it often ends up being very hurtful for one person or another.
You get to the destination faster, but it also can be very messy and stuff. There should be some romance, some chemistry, some fantasy that builds. Especially girls want to build some fantasy. What I've done on a lot of other dates was kill the fantasy. Ending the date is very important. Ending the date, it should be like, okay, this is just some random person I met up with and see you later, probably never going to see them again. Now, after the date is what I've looked for. I've looked for a date where I can see them again. I've looked for a date where I can a lot of information and interested to hear what other people are saying.
In the past, what I did that it did not work is a few hours after the date or the next day, I'd say, thank you. I had a great time with you. In fact, on the date, I went out with this hot 29 year old doctor. I was so bad. I disclosed way too much. She was physically attracted to me. She was very excited for the date because it's a matchmaker. Then I killed her interest throughout the date by the things I said. Then at the end of the date, I said, I'd love to see her again, which just, it's too clear exactly what my point of view is.
Then I got asked for her phone number, which she gave to me. Then I sent her a text right after with my name and a smiley face. Then the next day, I asked her to play pickleball. Of course, she didn't respond because I had just put out all the fire of the attraction that she had for me initially physically with my personality and my emotions. I did that a bunch of times with a bunch of other women. Then I got all butthurt about it too. I wake up after having a two hour conversation, a first date with a girl that I just met at an event.
I had an instant date. I get her phone number, text her first thing the next morning, and I'm crushed when she doesn't respond. It's like, this is predictable. Thus, what I've learned here is one of the most attractive things I can do as a man to show that I have abundance, to show that this is not the only thing I've got going on, is to be willing to let go, to be willing to.. It's almost like playing a game of dating chicken where I'm willing to never see this girl again. In fact, that's the most expected outcome. To me, if we're equals or if we're on the same level, and especially if she's very interested in me, she will make sure I don't get away.
Working through these lessons out loud with someone else keeps me honest, which is exactly why I love talking this stuff through on calls with me.
If she doesn't care enough to make sure I don't get away, then she's not that interested. In this day and age, especially with the girls and the safety and the boundaries and the wanting to feel something and the amount of choices girls have, I want to be a girl's number one option. If I go out with a girl and I'm not ready to hit that number one spot, I'd rather just not ever send the first message, ask for the phone number, put myself in a position to be a number two man. No, I'm good.
Why I Wait for Her to Reach Out
What I've done since the date is nothing. I didn't ask for her phone number, and I saw that she might want to kiss me, but I'm like, if I make out with this girl right after, I'm going to be emotionally hooked, and that's going to be harder for me to deal with, especially when I've got nine matches on a dating service that I could go out with lots of other girls on dating apps, and I'm teaching this stuff. This girl could emotionally hook me, and that could be it. I just walked off, too. I didn't look back or anything. I walked off. I didn't ask for her phone number, and she said something like, see you around, or maybe I'll see you again, or something like that.
I just said, something confirming. I don't remember exactly what I said, but she said something like, maybe we'd see each other again, and I said, that's cool, or something simple and honest, but also not very affirming, just straightforward. I walked off like, I want her to wonder whether I like her or not. Now, I definitely like this girl, but at the same time, I'm not putting myself in a position to feel bad and to ruin my attraction to her. I'd rather, if she's attracted to me and not willing to reach out, I'd rather just let that go because she's not that into me, and if she thinks I'm not that into her, and that's, I'll take it, but it's got to be on her to see if she wants to proceed.
So, over the last 24 hours, I haven't heard anything back from her. I figure if she's really into me, she will message me on the dating app. I just checked the message to make sure, and I've checked it. I've checked it a couple of times to see if there's been any messages, but if she's really into me, she'll message me on Hinge and say, I had a great time with you. Here's my phone number. Let's meet up again. If she's really into me, she'll do that. She won't let me get away because I'm a big believer. Women are the ones that make the decision about whether they really want a guy or not, and I'm better as a high quality man, as a man that's worth pursuing, that's unusual, that has something genuine to offer.
That is worth being with, the kind of guy that has options, that kind of man is not going to be all over you, especially early on. That kind of man, you are going to have to pursue him, and I'm willing to let her go if she doesn't want to pursue me, even though I really liked her, even though I was attracted to her, even though I think we could have a great relationship together. I don't know her that well, and if she's not very interested in me, I'm just not interested, in lukewarm anymore. Now, in the past, I often would try and convert lukewarm girls and see if I could level them up, but here's what I've noticed.
Getting comfortable letting lukewarm matches go is a huge shift for me, and I unpack more of it in I Can't Date Like I Did 15 Years Ago.
If a girl's lukewarm, I'm really wasting my time and energy. I'd rather have my space cleared, and then my motivation. Today, I liked a bunch more, probably 50 more hinge profiles, and went through a couple hundred, because if this girl, whether she follows up or not, I should be going on more and more dates. And I am willing to wait, and I'm thinking I will wait at least several days before I reach out. Now, if she unmatches me, that will mean she wasn't that interested, or she was insecure, or she was hurt, or she was demanding that I reach out and expecting that it's all on me.
Now, I realize if the men and the women both take the same attitude that the other person has to reach out, then that's going to go nowhere. I feel where we're at in the culture today, it's on the women to reach out in this scenario, because I have options. I have nine more women I'm getting introduced to on this matchmaking service. There's no one woman that's indispensable in my life, arguably, besides my ex, who is the mother of my kids. Thus, I already have a woman that I have a deep attachment with, that I see several times a week, and that I had a great relationship with.
So, at this point, especially after a first date, no woman is going to be is worth me sacrificing my own integrity and feeling good again. The last girl, when I texted her after the date, I felt like garbage. I knew she wouldn't respond. I knew I'd killed the interest already, and it seemed like the most decent thing I could do was to just not even message her at all. And what's crazy is it doesn't matter whether I really liked her or not. What matters is, does she really like me? And does she have the courage to reach out and be vulnerable? And to send the first message being like, hey, I want a second date with you.
If she doesn't care enough to do it, I've got enough options where I can afford to let that go. And this has been a bit of a stretch for me, because when you are taking actions, that is a very strong intention. And by my actions, I'm saying I have enough options that I can afford to let any one date go if they're not highly interested in me. Because when a girl's highly interested in me, I love that. When a girl really wants to be with me, she won't let you get away. And I don't want to deal with a girl that's like lukewarm, and then if I follow up, she might go on another date with me.
And then after the second or third date, she's going to waffle or realize she's not that into me. I'd rather end it as soon as possible. And I think this is one of the most important things, which I probably should have said it up front, that you can communicate and to be willing, like, if things are not awesome, I'd rather end them as soon as possible. What I see most people do is tolerate, things that are not that good. And that takes your time and space up that you can't have something else. Like yesterday, I was available to go out on this date, because I wasn't wasting my time with anybody else.
But over the last six months since I've got divorced, I did repeatedly waste my time with girls that just weren't that into me. Girls that I disclosed too much for them, I'd turned off the mystery and the attraction for them. And they were bored. So they text me back, they'd ask me a question. But then they'd always drop, drop off at some point, or they wouldn't respond to my message. Or if I actually asked them to do something, they'd say, no, they were busy. And I don't want any more of that. I'm a high enough value man that I don't need to chase women, that I'm worth a woman coming to me. If you want to look honestly at your own patterns around chasing and waiting, I'd be glad to talk it through with you on a call with me.
Now, if things were different in our culture and all that, that's one thing. But I'm at the level of value for a man where you've got to come to me. If you want more of what I've got, you got to reach out. And I expect the woman to reach out and to initiate like message sending, at least like 60 of the time, especially like this scenario after the first date. Why? Because I proved that it just, it doesn't work. Me reaching out first kills their attraction. That thus, I am really enjoying this experience of like being more patient and kind of looking at how hard it's been for me not to message this girl unhinged and to say, hey, I had such a great time with you.
Let's go out again. It's like what? It doesn't matter if I had a great time with if she didn't have a great time with me. And if she had a great time with me, she'll message me. And if she didn't have a great time with me, then I don't need to talk to her again. And if she did have a great time with me, but she's expecting me to message her and she's not going to message me unless I message her, then there's not a strong enough connection between the two of us. Because I, as the man in the current culture, I am the one that I'm willing to be single.
I'm willing to like, I'm willing to be let go of anyone who's not just right for me. And the way I know a girl's just right is if she's so interested that she will reach out. And she'll go through the vulnerable process of sending that message and being like, oh God, is he going to respond? Oh God, does he like me? Because that all contributes to her fantasy. I don't need all that for myself. I am very logical and straightforward. I don't need to engage in all that fantasy. And I often think that's kind of annoying. But women need to generally, there are different, women are all different, of course.
Women generally need to build this emotional connection and that fuels their attraction. Whereas I can just look at a girl and I'm attracted right away. That's a big difference. Like women need a little fantasy, a little mystery, a little intrigue. So I've went on this point, like I'm not messaging her first. And some of you might ask, well, are you going to message her? What if she doesn't message you for the next? If she doesn't message me, she didn't like me that much. Because if she did, she'd say thank you for the date. And if she's playing games too, then both of us can't be playing games, you understand?
Then she can find another guy in a dating app. But I want to be a girl's number one. And if you're not my number one, I don't need number twos. I'm good. So this is, I'm so excited to make this video because I've looked through so many other videos. And to me, you want to put off, especially as a man, you want to put off getting physical. Aside from just comfortable physical touch, I want to put off being physical as long as possible and make her advance. Because always when I dated girls, I pushed the advancing. I went to make out with them. I went to, bring them to the bedroom.
And if these days you want to really make a girl lead in that department, that to me, leading, is that, some, she's following, chasing me. She's the one, trying to get me to advance things physically. She ideally will want to advance things physically so bad that she will start initiating things like a kiss or holding hands. And therefore, that's the kind of relationship I want to have. I'm tired of being the one who always advances things physically, who always reaches out after the date. After all, I do need some more time to even tell if I like a girl or not. I've noticed some things that I don't like about a girl.
I don't like a girl. Sometimes I easily like a girl in the first few hours I meet her. But after like 24 to 48 hours, I don't often like her anymore. I need my time to be logical and analyze a girl, not be so emotional. And I need to not be emotionally revealing either. This is something a lot of the other videos have helped with that, a lot of us as men have been trained to be so emotional and cry and get our feelings out there. And what I've noticed, that definitely turned my ex wife off. And that has turned off a bunch of the girls I was trying to date.
And by sending the first message to a girl, like after a first date, I'm being very emotionally vulnerable. And that's on her. Like, I'm going to sit here and I'm willing to not have any more interactions with any girl I go out with. And that to me is a place where, that's withholding the mystery. That means if you want to reveal more of the mystery, you got to come to me for it. I know I'm going to have lots more dates with lots more women who get excited to be with me and the women who really want it will come get it. I hope this is useful for you.
I'm reading all the comments. If you have any questions, I'll answer anything you've got. And if you watched all the way to the end of this, you might enjoy talking with me on Zoom one on one. And you can show me your profile, ask me all your questions. We could even record it and put it up as a video if you wanted. Thank you.