I let James play one game to warm up, because I played like two hours to warm up myself. "Oh my god. Is that all right?" he asked. I didn't know. "Well, am I alone?" he asked. "You're purple," I told him. Then he went in — he stuck it in with Bill. He stuck it in. I'm also cutting out my swearing in my streams. "No, you're not," James said. There was my character. First quarter, eight to twelve. By the end of the game, if that same trend continued, it was going to be like 30 to 60. "Yeah, if that same trend continues," James said. I was going to turn it on this quarter. "You ready?" "I'm ready." "All right, let's go."
Bill Clinton Puts It In
I jumped again. Once again, no one around. No one's ever watching Bill Clinton — that's why he got away with it, with all those things. Bill had been putting it in today. He'd been slamming it in. Oh my god. Then the stats came up. Al Gore's going to tell you about climate change while he dunks on you. Oh yeah, Bill's gone. Bill went in, all the way in, and there's no evidence on the dress this time. In any game with a ball, there's no way you can get away from this. My wife Laura was not down with the innuendos on Mario Kart yesterday. Like, what the heck, you're my wife — we've got to have some good innuendo. That's keeping it real.
He's got a Secret Service. I'd been knocking, dude. Where's the others? There are no fouls on this. That's what I was saying — there's tackling happening. There's the ref. No, there's no ref. He's dead. He drank the Kool-Aid; he died somewhere, sometime. "I did not have sexual relations with that woman." James was having his turn on the Bill Clinton impression to see if he could top mine from the last NBA Jam stream. He's got to get his Al Gore down for next time. I was hoping there were some more fun characters you could play on this, but the selection was kind of limited. Where's Snoop Dogg? Come on. Ben in chat asked if this was my brother. Yeah — my brother from another mother. All men are my brother or my father, except politicians. No, I was not looking for that.
Never Shoot a Long Two
So the thing I can't stand most, playing real basketball and any kind of basketball online, is long two-pointers. I'm like, shoot a three or take it to the hole. Do not shoot a long two. Long twos are the stupidest thing, especially when you get somebody who looks all confident. I'm like, no — if you were that good at the game, you'd be shooting a short two or a three. You would not be shooting that. "Sometimes that two inches makes all the difference," James said. I feel like if all you have is two inches — hey, it's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean. It's not the size of the boat. Bill knows all about that. Bill banging down a three, right there. We've got to get this in. Oh yeah — oh no, Scottie. Scottie's a little challenged. Bang it. Stockton — yes, Stockton got a three. Scottie's not making good decisions for the team. Scottie doesn't know. Oh, do not shoot a long two after I had that rant. Do not shoot a long two after that. Right, go, send it. All right, I'm up one. Wait, how many points do you get for that? I win, let's go. Oh my god, a one-point win. Let's go. "Good game," James said. "I can't believe you beat me by one point." Look at Bill, he's all crying. Bill had 13 dunks. Stockton put in 23 points. Wow.
All right, let's do it again. James and I like being Bill Clinton. Put it in, Bill. That's what Hillary said. Not what Hillary said — Hillary has never said "put it in, Bill." Actually, she might have said that once, and then they became partners in crime, like they were both doing cocaine in the hotel room and then they killed the maid when she came in, and then it's like, all right, well, we might as well just get married. That's a good one. I heard that. I got Hakeem Olajuwon on stats, but I'm using Bill Clinton's skin. That seems like a good way to go. James's guy is like a redneck of some sort. All right, stick it in, Bill. Why are you shooting crappy twos point blank when you have maximum dunk? Oh man. I asked James if he wanted to slide over just slightly. There you go. I was trying to push him out of the frame a little bit at a time. This is going to be the James show by the end of this, so he wouldn't notice. Oh Jesus, how is that not a foul? What the fuck? It is a foul. Oh, it's a foul. Oh, there we go. Oh my God. Oh, poor James. There are no fouls in NBA Jam. Yeah, they just tackle people straight up. Oh my God.
What Is Sex, Bill?
All right, Bill's going back in. "I did indeed have sexual relations with that woman." James said his wife told him that for his purposes, oral sex is definitely sex. Huh. Like, that is — what is sex? To me, that would involve if you're using genitals. See, that gets into a good question. What is sex? Bill's like, yeah, that's what I'm talking about. What is sex? That wasn't sex. The ball going in the hole is not sex. He's up 10 right now. "But you said if you really want to do it, then it's sex," James said. It probably is. I really want to get the ball in the hole, though. He's going for the long two — my favorite. Dang it. Going for the super long three, that's my favorite. Oh! Weatherspoon ripped a three. I'm gumming at you with my own three. "You're gumming at me," James said. Got it! It's 80 to 75. It's over. Shoot it! Oh, shoot it! Damn! The final score. James couldn't believe that.
All right, James has got to win one game today. "Have I even won one game yet?" he asked. No, you're 0-2 so far. "I think I beat you at GoldenEye," he said. That was with a handicap. Yeah, that meant I put the 10x handicap on. "You wrecked me," James said.
James Tries to Beat Me With a Kid
Oh, nice — I got Warren Moon up there. Air Dog's a kid. James got like a little four-year-old kid. You do. All right, this sounds perfect — the perfect person to beat me with. You're going to beat me with a kid? "Yeah," James said. "Oh, I'm going to beat Detroit. Look at this guy. He's got mad speed and three points. I'm going to drain you with three-pointers." Stop this kid from shooting threes. The kid can do it. Dunk, too? He's got like levitation. What kind of crappy-ass shot was that? Come on, kid. Dang, this kid dunks right over me. I can't even believe this shit. He's in it. That's it. Oh, come on. Get it. All right, 19-15 at the end of the first quarter. "You got some crazy luck," James said. Crazy skill.
I asked James whether he thinks Mary was actually his wife or not. "I don't know," he said. "I wasn't alive then. How could I know?" You might have a past life. You could have been his wife, actually. "Nah," James said. "I could have been. You're right. And then I was dirt for like a thousand years until I incarnated as James. Still trying to cleanse some of that ancestral trauma." Yes, good shot. Look at that look of disgust on Warren Moon. Yeah, that's because he couldn't win a Super Bowl, but he was like the best quarterback ever. And he's looking right at the kid. Where is it? He's like, what is that kid doing over there? Why do they make him look so unhappy? He looks constipated. It's like when you have one too many bowls of cereal. "So you mean you have one bowl of cereal?" James asked. For me, it's two. Oh, two bowls of cereal. For you, it's one?
Nobody Eats the Marshmallows Out of My Lucky Charms
Dude, if I buy Lucky Charms, that is like crack. I'm hunting around like, where are the Lucky Charms? I just had dinner. I need a hit. Oh, come on. I haven't eaten in two minutes. Where are the Lucky Charms at? I can't leave them around my kids, though — and James was down five right now — I can't leave my Lucky Charms around my kids. My kids will eat all the marshmallows. I'm like, no. Buy a bag of marshmallows if you want marshmallows. You do not eat the marshmallows out of the Lucky Charms. You put the grains, the regular cereal, with the marshmallows. You use the marshmallows to get the cereal down. "You need to record a video about this," James said. "You sound passionate." I'm doing it right now. It is wrong to eat the marshmallows. That should be a crime. Not a felony, but you should get fined for doing that. Not a misdemeanor, but you should get like a — Laura does it, too. I'm like, come on. I go to eat the Lucky Charms, and it's a damn bag of cereal. Like, who did this? "I think you can buy just the marshmallows now," James said. You can. So buy those. Don't eat my damn marshmallows out of my Lucky Charms. Me Lucky Charms.
Ooh, a long two. Nice. That was an inch away from a two. "Were you talking about how inches matter before?" James asked. I know. I was inches in the wrong direction. I was inches away from a two. Oh, I like that. Yeah, you are just — eleven. I'm up by eleven right now. "Yeah, you've been definitely eating your Lucky Charms," James said. "I can tell." Jesus Christ. Yeah, I'm going to just shoot one from here. Ooh, straight airball. I'm going to give James a little handicap. "Thank you," he said. "You're going to do that again?" Yeah, I'll shoot another one from here. But it almost went in. I still got the points. Let's go. This is just sad. All right, it's the fourth quarter. Let's see what happens.
"I'm trying not to cry," James said. You can cry. It's okay, James. "Nope." I love crying, actually. "I love crying, too, but I cried this morning," he said. Oh, you already cried? I'm kind of jealous. I need to cry. I did some yoga Monday and cried. I haven't cried since Monday. Oh my God, I feel the presence of God in this stream. "There's no God here," James said. Oh, it's good. Warren rained it again. It's 79 to 71. We've got an eight-point lead for three wins in a row. Laura's like, I don't like this side of you. No, Bill, you do not need to be shooting right there. All right. GG, James. Thanks for playing. 79 to 71. Y'all need to pray for James harder. Oh my God, 17 to 3. There you go. "I've gotten so many threes," James said. "I'm like, how am I not winning?" Winning. Charlie Sheen used to be my hero. Oh, come on. I shook his hand one time, too. I felt the need to wash my hand after I shook it. Sometimes that happens. That's reality. I'm like, how many hookers am I vicariously interacting with through this hand? I would not eat food after that. I took Laura to that, too — the Violent Torpedo of Truth. There you go, Bill. Finish yourself off, Bill. That would have prevented a lot of problems. That's something Hillary would say. That is something Hillary would say. I wonder when the last time Bill saw — when do you think he saw Hillary naked the last time? Probably at the doctor, right? It probably had to be at the doctor.
God, I don't know. I don't think about these types of things. "This is what you contemplate when you're eating your Lucky Charms," James said. Me Lucky Charms. I wonder when Bill saw Hillary naked last. Oh my God. I wonder if they had sex to celebrate Hillary not getting elected president. Bill's like, I knew you couldn't do it. I had to shoot that three times to get it. All right, this is the fourth quarter. James going for his first win. Tied up. Big time right now. "I want a box of Lucky Charms if I win this," James said. Just the marshmallows, or do you want the cereal? The whole thing? Oh, Bill's wide open. Draining that three. I can't believe that. Bill got 14 three-pointers. Johnson dropped 30 points, though. Johnson is the boss. We were pretty close. Who called that? Billy in chat said 95 to 89 would be the final score.
Picking the Worst Player in the Game for James
All right, we had time for one or two more games. We've got to let James get one win at least. I'm going to pick somebody with really weak stats, too. I'm going to pick weak stats to try and help James out. Who's one of the worst players in this game? "Now if I win, I'm still going to be stoked," James said. Yeah, you will be stoked when you get your first win. "I will be." All right, good luck, James. "Thank you," he said. "I'm not going to go easy on you. I'm going to take all the luck I can get." Eat all your Lucky Charms. I love hook shots for real. It's a good one. Oh, he's on fire. I'm going for three, even though this dude's got no three points. "I learned a trick," James said. "The whole time I haven't been blocking with Turbo." Confessions. All right. Dang. He just drained another three. James is up 19 to 13. That was a good year. Dude, how many times is he going to bounce up there? All right, putting that in. Wide open. Got it.
I'm Not Allowed to Say Drain
My guy has like no three-point shooting ability either. He's still draining them. All right, I'm not allowed to use the word drain. "Yeah," James said. "You need to find a solution for that." I've got to find another word. Deplete. He's still sticking them in. He's still penetrating. He's still penetrating the net. Penetrating the hoop. There we go. He's still — what do you call it when you stick something in, besides penetrating? We needed a thesaurus right now. Inject. He's injecting those threes. It's 24 to 16. James is on a roll. Nice goal. Goaltending. How many points do you get for that? Three. Are you serious? Yeah. Oh. He's on fire again. Bill — Bill must have stuck it in a — he's on — is he on — oh, it's on fire. Penis fire. Oh. All right, we'd better just dunk this. If he's on penis fire, you'd better go to the doctor to put that out. Yeah. Right in the heart. Yeah, I'm done now. Get it. Yeah, I packed it in. 15 seconds. I'm packed. There we go. Oh, that's it. That's 12. Yeah, it's over. Now you can start crying right now. "Yeah. Good game," James said. James has got a W. The Miami Heat were too much for me. GGs, dude. All right, four and one. "You could still win, but it's probably not going to happen," James said. Good game, James. All right, one more.
That Was Only the Third Quarter
That was only the end of the third quarter. "Really?" James asked. Yeah. And you've still got more spankings. "Oh my God," he said. "I got more spankings to receive. I got more spankings?" Yeah. Dude, I thought you'd won already. No. I'm going to win now. Wait for it. "I didn't realize I had a whole other quarter." Oh shit. Now you're getting savage. Oh. What? Yes. Miner with the big dunk, down by three. Shove him. There's no Secret Service in this game. I can't even believe this. Nothing to protect you. I can't even believe this. Oh, Johnson. This is savage as fuck. Oh my God. You can't even believe this. Put it in. I can't even believe this. "You're winning," James said. I'm down 11. I can't even believe this. Oh, he's on a hex. This is unreal. He's on a run right now. Three. That's going in. I'm up. I'm on fire. Let's go. James couldn't believe this. Oh no. What? How do you brick that on fire? Please. I'm out now.
There Goes the Backboard
Somebody in chat said do a Bill versus Hillary. I don't know why they don't have Hillary Clinton in this game. We did a Bill versus Al Gore. Yeah, you got — what a dunk. There goes the backboard. I finally got the backboard in this game. Man, I can't even believe the comeback that just happened. I know — I was down 11 at least. Oh, it's 70 to 71. I'm up one. Draining threes, though — just kidding, I'm missing threes. Oh, there's a three with eight seconds. That's game. I wonder how many people are going to go buy Lucky Charms after watching this. "I know, right?" James said. "You ought to be sponsored by Lucky Charms. Be the Lucky Charms spokesperson." I would take a sponsorship from Lucky Charms, even though the cereal is like one-third sugar by mass. Oh yeah, you can make about anything taste good with a third of it being sugar. Wow, I missed like eight shoves. Good job, Johnson. Give me that dunk. Yes, another goaltend. All right, 44 to 39, I'm up now. I had quite a run. That's it. "Well, I'm surprised it wasn't Johnson drain—" James started. No, I can't say drain. I'm banned from saying drain. Johnson inserting the ball into the hoop. Johnson inserting it again. Johnson inserting himself into the hole. Oh, you could see the score behind us. There we go. The score is right in the background up there on the score table behind the court, so you don't even need to see it on the bottom of the screen. I don't even need to announce the score. Oh, quarter. If you want to see the last NBA Jam stream where we did Bill versus Al Gore, it is on my Games playlist.
All right, this is for all the glory. Charles, you're going to hit a three-pointer. Thank you. You will learn to shoot threes under my tutelage — my tutorage — my coaching. Insert the ball into the hoop, Charles. Not like that. Try again. Three points again. There you go, Charles, that's how I want you to shoot threes. He's got to make a three eventually. He's missed like 15 threes. I want you to win, James. That's why I'm shooting all these. "You don't want me to," James said. I do want you to win. Yeah, I know I'm on fire right now. Don't worry about that. Johnson's going to drain us from half court. Haha, James was so confident. You wait till the end of the fourth quarter and then you just go hard. Get it. Yeah, they call that HAM, I believe. They call it HAM. Okay. Hard as a mother. Charles, what kind of — the ball's just rolling around the court. I made a point. It's 72 to 67. "All right, it wasn't that bad," James said. "I only lost by five." You're a good sport, man. "Thank you, appreciate it," James said. Thank you. Thanks a lot.