My friends, if you want a better sex life, if you want to have more sex and have the kind of sex you want to, I have found for me it has been fantastic. My entire life has changed since I started having consistent great sex, and my life was very frustrating before that. So here is the number one tip. If you want to have more sex, better sex, and feel good about all of it instead of being ashamed and grossed out, get comfortable listening to real conversations about sex. Not just superficial things like, oh yeah, I banged her, ew, he was so gross. But really vulnerable, honest, raw conversations where the goal is to learn and be more comfortable with yourself and with others. That involves listening and hearing these conversations, which I am hoping I am helping with right now, and being comfortable talking about sex in a real, authentic, meaningful way.
The Conversation I Had With My Wife
For example, I had a conversation with my wife after we had been married about eight years. I remember sitting there before I brought it up thinking, seriously, we have been married eight years. At this point we had had sex thousands of times. Why do we still need to talk about sex? Why am I feeling uncomfortable and vulnerable bringing up that I feel rejected because she says no so often, even though we were having sex? We were having sex every couple of days, and for me, I like to have sex every day or two. I brought it up, and she said, fine, just do it whenever you want to. That actually has left us in a really good place since then. Now I know she is willing to give as much as she possibly can, and it is up to me to be considerate. Like, hey, she is pretty sick right now, maybe we can wait until tomorrow. Or she is in a bad mood, so let's do it anyway, because it is like being with somebody else when she is in a bad mood.
Start With Sex Talk On The First Date
I look back on my previous dating life, and if I had to do it again, I would start with conversations about sex right away. Because I remember going out with girls where we would spend all this time and energy talking about fairly meaningless topics, stupid, wasteful things. Oh, the state of the world, what foods you like, what music you like. Screw all that stuff. Literally, all we needed to do on the first date is go through and say, all right, for me, I want to have sex every day or two, are you up for that? She says no? Okay, let's not even waste any more time here, let's just move on, because clearly this is not going to work. Or, for example, I like to give and receive oral, how about you? Oh, no, gross. All right, let's not even go any further. You go home, I will go home, and we will appreciate that time and attention are valuable, and we do not want to waste them where we are incompatible.
I went out with several girls that were not interested in giving oral, and we literally wasted months on a conversation that could have been had on the very first date. Yeah, that is one of my things. If you do not provide that, I do not want to be with you. This is why it is so important. I am glad I am married so I do not have to put this stuff into practice dating today. But I look back and I see that if I ever did have to get out there and date again, I would start immediately and just make sure the sexual compatibility was there. Because you can do almost anything else with a romantic partner if you are looking at a monogamous relationship. And that should be talked about right away too. Like, hey, are you looking for a monogamous relationship? Do you just want to have sex with me? Or, if not, what do you want? Those kinds of things are the essential stuff to cover on the first date.
Keep Reviewing It, Because Things Change
If you have been with somebody, and I have been with my wife almost 10 years now, we still periodically need to review our sex life because things change. At one point we used to have sex every day. Then after we had our first daughter, we talked about it, and it seemed appropriate to do every other day at that point. Not right after, but the day after or anything like that, it was more like a week. And that was just oral for a few months until things healed up. This is why it is important. I see all these conversations about say this, say that. Look, whatever your preferences are, to me that needs to be addressed and talked about really openly and really honestly.
I find that people in my life who are in very happy relationships seem to be much more comfortable talking about sex. Because to me, if you are in a monogamous relationship and your sex is not good, and in fact is not great, the whole rest of the relationship is usually going to struggle. The sex is the one thing you are not getting from anywhere else in a monogamous relationship. You can have intimate conversations with others. You can even be naked with other people. My wife is comfortable with me being naked with other people, given that I do not have any sexual interactions in the course of being naked. For example, a nude massage, or a workshop where it is nude, or a nude beach, whatever. With massage, another woman touches me for an hour and a half. You can have almost anything in a monogamous relationship from someone else. You can make a business with someone else. You can have someone else raise your kids, since a lot of people hire nannies that raise their kids. You can have almost anything else except the sex if you are in a monogamous relationship with someone else.
And if you are not in a monogamous relationship, if you are in a poly relationship, I think it is even more important to talk through all the sex stuff, the emotions and the feelings, because monogamy is pretty straightforward. It is just one on one. But if it gets more complicated, you really need to talk everything out. If you want to go deeper on all of this and talk it through with people who take real, honest relationship conversations seriously, come join the Jerry Banfield Family and let's have those conversations together.
Say Sex, My Friends
So if you get anything out of this, get as comfortable as you can. If you struggle to talk about sex, listening to some real sex talk will make it easier to get comfortable actually opening up and talking about it. I have an extremely happy relationship. One of my family members who knows me very well says my wife and I are the happiest relationship they have ever seen before. And I would point to this: we talk about sex and we make sure our sex life is fantastic. Everything else, that is the one thing. We get our sex life right and everything else in our entire relationship is easier. No matter how difficult our relationship has gotten, we always have sex, and that always makes it easier. If you want to hear me talk through more of the dating and relationship side of this, you can go through my Dating playlist.
So say sex, my friends. Open your mouth and open your ears. Open your mouth to talk, open your ears to listen, and have a great sex life. Everything else is on my website at jerrybanfield.com, and I hope this has been helpful for you today.