On January 6, 2023, the yoga crush girl was finally back for the power flow, and we were back to putting our mats next to each other and getting to know each other as best we can. I told her I used to be a police officer, and she shared that she had a family member who was a police officer too.
Then, on the way out, she gave me the best piece of information. I asked about her girlfriend again, because she'd told me before that she was in a long-distance relationship where her girlfriend lives hours away. I asked how that's going with the distance. She looked at me and said, "Well, we're making it work."
Hearing what was under the surface
I am always listening for both what is said and what's under the surface. And I'm like, wow, that is an incredible level of honesty. A lot of people in that situation would be big about it — "Oh, it's great, you know" — and stay more positive. But I could hear that what she was really saying was, "We're making it work. It's frustrating. It's not going so well."
And I'm like, did I really just hear what she said and what she meant to say there? Like, there is a bit of an opening. And then, wow — I hope I'm not making my marriage sound that way. Like, "Well, we're making it work, you know." But I might be. I definitely am trying to put out there how much I love my wife and that I'm definitely in a committed relationship. And she keeps telling me that she wants to meet my wife.
My mind going nuts with ideas
My mind is really going nuts with ideas. Like, maybe we could just move her in, and they'll both live here, and we'd be one big happy family. And then I'm frustrated. I'm like, why can't things be that way? I think that's perfectly reasonable.
I do remember, though, that I asked my wife if she'd be okay with that with a different woman about a year ago. But that woman and I didn't have any kind of chemistry like this. And my wife said it straight: "You and this girl don't even like each other. You wouldn't date. It wouldn't be nearly as good as you think it'd be." But this woman — I would love to have her around every day. And yet I also realized I don't even hardly know her.
Running out the door
After she says that, we start getting our stuff, and she goes to the bathroom. I'm starting to feel a little like, if I linger around and wait for her — I don't know if we really know each other that well. I feel kind of vulnerable doing that. And I have an AA meeting to go to. So I head right out the door feeling kind of virtuous, but also feeling kind of like a jerk at the same time, because she needed to go to the bathroom and I just ran right out.
By the time I'm at my AA meeting, I'm feeling a little like I rejected her, and I feel a little bit bad about it. And I'm like, man, why is something that should just be a great experience so hard? Somebody really likes me, is paying attention to me, and is giving me what I want. Why is there so much suffering involved with it?
So lost, and so found
There are great moments of euphoric joy, but then there's just huge amounts of suffering and discomfort and annoyance and fear, all at the same time. And literally all I'm doing is talking. I don't think we've even hardly bumped into each other doing hours and hours of yoga next to each other. And what the heck, man? I don't know. I'm so lost right now. But at the same time, I feel so found.
And I'm so grateful for a little bit of excitement in what otherwise can be a very boring existence. If you want to follow more of these everyday moments and dating reflections, you can watch my newest videos in my Dating playlist. And if you want to see how this same crush kept unfolding, I tell more of it in my yoga crush, her girlfriend, and the line I won't cross.