Back with the incredible! It's Jerry Banfoot, it is Finds the Main Edible Were, playing Nintendo Switch on Super Smash Bros. Melee Ultimate. I was so excited to put on an incredible live show, because this was my very first play of Nintendo Switch Super Smash Bros. Melee. The fuck did I just say? I can't say — can't drop the F bomb too much in the first 30 seconds. So I think we hit our quota right there. We can say that again in a minute. So, we're playing Super Smash Bros. Ultimate on Nintendo Switch, and I'm dropping a whole bunch of comedy along the way. I'm studying comedy like a student right now. I'm listening to Eddie Murphy Raw. God, that killed me last night. That was so damn funny. You gotta listen to Eddie Murphy's Raw on Netflix. Holy shit, that is hilarious. While we queued up to play online, I promised to drop some daily inspiration too — you're not even gonna believe how good you're gonna feel by the end of this. Today, it is time to smash. I think I can say fuck again now. I just find it is very therapeutic to be able to cuss.
Jumping In With No Tutorials
I am jumping into this without having done any tutorials. I have basically played Super Smash Bros. on GameCube, and maybe Nintendo 64, so I've got a basic idea of what's going on. We're just inserting ourselves in there. OH! Just sticking it in right now. We're just gonna stick it in and barely know what we're doing. Which, that's pretty much how I looked at losing my virginity as well. And hopefully this will take much longer than it did to lose my virginity. And I hope you'll enjoy it a lot more than she enjoyed it.
Fire something! Am I out of my little laser dick thing? This is so cool that you can just… FUCK! OH SHIT! How did I do that? OH! This motherfucker hit me like Barry Bonds into the outfield. Shit! I'm coming! I'm not dead. Oh shit, I'm at 111%. Can I kick somebody? Just don't be the first one to die! Don't be the first asshole to die! Woo! I just kicked the shit out of him. I'm just zooming all over. Whose kids am I playing with right now? Who's letting their kids play Super Sp— OH! I just fucking roundhoused him! Let's go baby! Star Fox is one of my favorite characters, so I hoped I could figure out how to use him. How cool! I remember I used to play this in college. The idea back then that you could just play this game with anybody, anytime, would have been orgasmic. Especially for my friend TK.
Getting Wrecked by Galaxyboy
Damn, this is 1v1? I wondered whose five year old was fucking me up at this right now. I'mma beat this kid. I'mma beat this kid up? That's gonna sound bad if I say beat this kid off though, isn't it? I wanna beat this… I don't know if it's a kid — I have no idea who I'm playing against. What does it matter who I'm playing against? Galaxyboy sure knows his shit though, cause I was at 140. Damn! Galaxyboy shitted it on me. No, get up Mario! Oh shit, alright, here we go. Kick his ass! Ooh, he just baseballed the shit outta me. Then he got a star, which was good for him and bad for me. I'm dying! Oh shit, my ass just hit the water. Fuck! Oh good, I jumped back up there. Come on, motherfucker. Oh, he baseballed the shit outta me again — I think I'm dead. And oh my god, that lava — that's a lot of lava. Ooh, did I… die! Cause it's like Office Space: die, motherfucker, still, fool.
Redirecting My Mind to Gratitude
So one of the most valuable things you can do is take control of your mind and say, look, I don't wanna think about stuff that I don't wanna experience. I found the opportunity that day to be full of gratitude. Yes! I kill him! I kill, he die somewhere, sometime? Who do you think I am, ya fuckin' bellboy? So I'm really good at redirecting my mind. My mind gets into the shittiest places sometimes, like, well, what if you went to prison? Like, fuck that! I live my life in an honest way where anything I do, I'm happy to talk about to anyone, anywhere, anytime. And yeah, if somebody's got a problem with that, I'll deal with the consequences. I also aim to be considerate of others. But if somebody wants to ask me about something, I'll tell you everything I know about it, to the best of my ability. Our minds often make these worst case scenarios up, and it's really important to see that that's going on and redirect it to gratitude. I'd been really grateful that day. Like, I'm grateful I get to do livestreams like this. Somebody posted a comment on one of my videos recently that said, don't quit your day job over your comedy. I'm like, yeah, I get paid thanks to you and the people watching with you. I make more money doing this than most professional comedians do.
500! Is this the computer? Or is this like Joshua the Bible right now? Ooh. We're learning how to play this. You might think, well, why didn't you play the computer first? Because I'd like to give somebody else the pleasure of whooping my ass! Don't you really like it? If you're playing a game, isn't it nice when you get to whoop somebody's ass? What the hell is this dog doing up in this bitch? I think I'm ahead right now. This is a bot, isn't it? How the fuck am I supposed to play with this bot on the camera? This dog. Get that dog out of here. Somebody eat that dog. Who's playing Super Smash Brothers online at this time of day anyway? Some streamer like me. Oh, Yoshi. Don't you… I'm dead! I'm bleeding! Good job, Joshua. I'll finish you off, Joshua. Come here. Come here, slut. Shady, that's my girl, dog. I don't give a fuck. God sent me to piss the world off. Hi! My name is… Huh? My name is… Oh, he shielded the shit out of me. My name is… Jerry Banfield. Hi! My anus. Huh? My anus. This guy just fucking talks. He hears himself talk, doesn't he? Yep. Sure do. I love hearing myself talk. My grandfather used to call me Gums — at six years old. Jerry, this is a kid's game. Shouldn't be swearing so much. Fuck that.
Eddie Murphy Raw and the Bill Cosby Bit
Oh, my God. Eddie Murphy. You gotta watch Raw. Eddie Murphy ripped on Bill Cosby hard. And this was in the 80s, before you had Bill Cosby sex charges. Eddie Murphy did a great impression — fucking killed myself. Shit. He's like, Bill Cosby calls me up. He's like, I sent my son to your show. And you know what he said? He said, motherfucker. Bitch, suck my dick. Stars. I sent my kid to your show, and he comes home like, bitch, suck my dick. Eddie, you can't be using that kind of language. And Eddie Murphy's like, I told Bill Cosby, I said, fuck off. That's exactly what I'm talking about — you can't be saying fuck, Eddie. This was in the 80s. So this is a whole… fuck off… this is a whole nother era. I was laughing so hard. I was laughing so hard that I was feeling wore out. Have you ever laughed so hard you just start feeling tired? Like, shit — you just feel like you just worked out or something.
Wait, what does this little tongue thing do? Oh, I can make somebody into an egg. Can I? Yeah, what does this do? I'm just button mashing… Oh, yeah, let me eat you. Oh, I ate him and shit him out. I like that. Fun.
You Don't Know Anybody's Story Unless You Were There
All right. So first of all, I think Bill Cosby got acquitted of something last time I checked. So I don't know shit about Bill Cosby or his life. And that's the first thing to remember: when you watch the news or any of this bullshit, you don't know a goddamn thing about somebody or their life unless you were there. I'll tell you whose life I know about. I know about my wife's life. I know about my kid's life. I know a little bit about some other family members' lives. But unless you were there, you don't know shit. It's all hearsay. And people make shit up. One thing I saw as a police officer: people make shit up. And people see the same thing and don't even agree on what happened. I'm like, y'all were both standing right the fuck there — how did you two not see the same shit?
Why I Refuse to Keep Secrets
But see, that's what happens when we keep our shit secret. Then we can't ask for advice. And what you really need is to be able to ask people for advice — to be able to say, hey, what do you think I should do? When I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, when I was about a year sober, I would get the dumbest ass ideas about who I should fuck in my mind. And I felt so ashamed of it. Especially as a married man who was already having lots of great sex. I'm like, why am I thinking about… I'd drive down the street and I'd see a hooker and I'm like, why am I thinking about fucking this hooker? I've been faithful to my wife for five years since we've been together. I'm like, why am I thinking about this shit? I had four guys I trusted in my AA meetings that I could tell absolutely anything at all. And I called them up and I'd tell them exactly who I was thinking about fucking. And they would tell me their stories. They're like, yeah, I did what you're thinking about. You definitely don't want to do that. And then I suddenly didn't. In my experience, if you refuse to keep secrets in your life, a lot of things that would tempt you — if they could be kept secret — will not tempt you. Don't take the dumb ass ideas your mind has seriously. It's the action you take on your ideas that matters. It doesn't matter what you think about. And if you don't like what you're thinking about, what works for me is I ask other people for help to change my mind.
Push-Ups, Sit-Ups, and Getting Teachable
Dang, these kids on here weren't playing games. They were shitting on me. They were shitting all over me. I didn't even know what was going on — I was just dying. Everybody else still had two lives and I was dead. Can we just get into some positivity this morning? I took a suggestion though. The school safety officer at my daughter's school said he gets up and does something like five push ups and five sit ups first thing in the morning. I'm like, what? Let me do that. So I had to do a couple more — I did ten push ups and ten sit ups when my mind was all fucked up. And it helped me feel a little bit better. I'm like, damn, I'm glad I tried that. I've noticed I often am most teachable when I'm a little bit uncomfortable. Although I'm much more teachable when I'm comfortable now than I remember being. Especially if I get a little uncomfortable, I will often get very teachable. Like, okay. Okay, I'm ready to learn something new here.
Clearly what I was doing was not working. Clearly I had some learning opportunities I could take on right there. One thing I do that really helps: I make sure whatever I'm saying, and whatever I'm doing, is in line with what I want — like, whatever story I'm telling about myself is what I want to be true. So I make sure I don't tell any negative stories about myself. Because whatever I'm telling, I'm giving more evidence for it now. If I say, damn, I always fucked this up, I'm just providing more evidence for why I'm going to do that again. So what I really like to do now is make sure I'm watching the stories I'm telling. My sponsor's in his 80s. He talks about how he's always forgetful because of his age. I'm like, it's not your age. My kids forget shit. Everybody forgets shit sometimes. And people say, oh, I'm bad with names. No, you're not. You don't practice with names. If you practice people's names, you will get good at them. I see somebody, and what I do to remember their name is I practice it. I remember the names of the people who show up in my chats, and I remember stuff about them, because I practice and I think about it. And I also don't do anything to poison my mind either. Like, if you drink, or your diet can mess your mind up. If you take good care of yourself and practice, you can be good with names. You can be good with dates. Always tell positive stories about yourself. Don't ever make yourself look bad.
Oh, my God! You just killed both of us at the last minute. Hey, that was a close game at least. That was a close game right there.
Take Control of Your Life Story
So, make sure you are in complete control over your life story. And you can tell whatever story you want. You can say I'm just a dumb motherfucker who never learned anything and won't ever be shit — and maybe your parents did tell you that growing up. But whatever happened in the past is done. I have the ability to choose what my future looks like. And in fact, a past that was challenging and a past that was difficult is good motivation to make a different future. Like, if you were forgetful in the past, how much would you love to remember shit today?
I remember the president of the University of South Carolina from when I was a police officer. I met him once. And the next time he saw me, he remembered my first name — when only my last name, Officer Banfield, was on my uniform. And I was so impressed that this man remembered my name. Just a regular ass police officer. Nothing special. And this man remembered my name. And I thought after that, I'm like, what? I can see this man is in a power position, an influential position. It seems to me, if you want to be in a power position, an influential position, one thing you can do is remember people's names. So from that point on, I've set the intention that I'm gonna remember people's names. And I've asked people and I've learned. I'm like, how do you remember somebody's name? Well, practice makes perfect. I find if I practice somebody's name like ten times… and I always ask people's names if I don't remember them. Like, hey, what's your name? Sometimes I'll ask the same person's name five or ten times. But I was in my AA meeting yesterday, and I realized, I'm like, I know everybody's name in this meeting. I'm not sure how many people were in there. But I'm like, I know every single person's name in this AA meeting right now. There's nobody's name I don't know. And that's because I practice shit. I practice.
First Win!
Oh. GG, student. I thought I was winning at one point. Oh, some death! I'M COMING! First win! Let's go! Thanks a lot, CoolCat, for letting me get that W. Thank you. That was my first win, and it took 48 minutes — and I did not play the computer. We got a W. Hell yeah. If you enjoyed this ride of smashing, swearing, and gratitude, there's plenty more where it came from on my Games playlist.