I was so sad and lonely tonight that I was desiring connection with others, but I wasn't in a place to receive it. I was going for a walk near my house, and I saw a woman I recognize. I think she's actually a woman who complained about me at a yoga studio before, but she waved at me, she said hi, and then she said something else about the weather. And I felt so bad, because I literally just walked the other direction. I made no effort to talk to her, even though this is a woman I have known for a few years, and I was so lonely that I would have loved to just talk to anyone.
But the problem is that when you hit a certain level of loneliness, it actually makes it harder to connect, and I'm not sure exactly what to do about that except try to reach out and connect with others. Next time, if there's an opportunity to talk to somebody, I'll try to take it. The problem is that at least today, I got into such a lonely state where I'm so sad that most people are not even going to engage with me in the first place, and even when I'm happy, it can be difficult to connect.
Struggling to connect at AA meetings
I've been struggling to connect with people lately. For most of the last 12 years, the way I've found to connect with people has been Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. I've made some fantastic connections at AA meetings, and lately I'm struggling to connect at AA meetings. There are so many people at these meetings who think I'm a black sheep, who are critical, who are gossiping about me behind my back, who won't talk to me or even act friendly. It's disappointing because, ideally, AA should be a place where there are lots of different ways to get sober, but then I go to AA meetings and I'm struggling to make any new friends, men or women, old or young.
I don't have a sponsor right now, and the more I get into a lonely spot, the harder it is to actually connect, because I'm so lonely that a lot of times people just don't want to be around it. If you are sad, or not happy and bubbly, people run from you and don't even want to talk with you. Tonight I walked around the lake, and it literally didn't even occur to me to do anything differently. I just felt even more sad. As soon as I saw this woman, she waved at me and seemed kind of happy to see me, and I wanted to get away from her immediately. I didn't want to talk to her, and it didn't even occur to me until I was halfway around the lake that maybe I should have walked over to her and talked to her.
She was walking by herself with her dog. This is a woman I've known for years, and I ran into her with my daughter the other day. This is a woman who would probably be comfortable with me walking up and walking around with her, but it didn't even occur to me until I had walked for about 10 more minutes that maybe I should have tried to walk up and talk with her. Maybe I'd have felt better. I just feel like I'm struggling to have real conversations, to connect, and to care with people.
How dating has worn me down
I think dating has actually been a big part of that, because I've gone out with at least 20, maybe 25 women on first dates this year, and it's made me feel like almost every conversation, every single date I had, was utterly pointless. It didn't matter whether I tried to be more blue pill and act interested, or be more red pill and be kind of cold and act like a player. It didn't matter. It all dried up over the phone anyway. I got divorced last year, and maybe I'm having a harder time trusting people. I've talked to a lot of men this year too, but I've been struggling to make new guy friends as well. A viewer wished me well and hoped my dry spell would end soon.
Here's the thing, though. I also don't want to just connect with anybody. There have been women I've ghosted this year, women I stopped talking to, where I said I don't want this anymore because they were not healthy, they were toxic, and I don't want that. I don't want people in my life who are going to drag me down. But then I think I'm being too picky also, that I'm not giving people a chance. I've been so blue pill this year, showing up like, "Hey, it's me. I'm happy. I'm enthusiastic, and it's great to go out with you," and then I've just gotten consistently rejected for showing too much interest. Now it's like I can barely find any interest in anybody.
Maybe earlier this year, if I'd seen that woman walking, I'd have walked over to her and said, "Hey, so nice to see you." Now I'm just like, no. I don't even want to waste my time trying to talk to you, because I don't even want to think that there might be anything here and then get excited and then be disappointed. I'd rather just be lonely than deal with more rejection. I'd rather just be lonely, feel sorry for myself, and obsess about making money and doing my work. I'd rather do that than have another one of these same kinds of experiences, and that's not a good place to be in either.
Open hearted versus cold hearted
I'm starting to feel like I'm so negative that, while in some ways I'm super positive, when it comes to interacting and connecting with people lately, I've been pretty negative. The most positive I went into anything was when I met a woman earlier this year that I called the queen. I was so excited, I opened my heart, and that was the worst. I absolutely got destroyed taking that open hearted, enthusiastic approach. But then I take this cold hearted, distant approach, and that's not working so great either. At least with the open heart, I did have a week of connection and of joy and of having fun.
Then I take this other approach. When I went to the VidSummit convention, I didn't even want to start a conversation with somebody, because I just didn't see that it was going to go anywhere. Why bother? Why bother having a connection? Why bother trying to talk to somebody? One viewer told me I'm moving too quick and that women fall in love slowly. I'm trying to find places where I can go, but it seems like the way I'm being so authentic and sharing the good, the bad, and the ugly is pushing everybody away. I guess it just takes one woman I connect with, where both of us like each other, to give me a chance. But it seems like being authentic is pushing everybody away, and then sometimes I attract people who, to me, are just too messed up to even be in my life. It's too dysfunctional to even be in my life.
I think that's funny, because some of you think I'm very dysfunctional, but I think I'm a pretty healthy human being. My body's certainly fantastically healthy, and I have a range of emotions that I'm honest about expressing. Almost everybody, online at least, is polarized one way or the other: playing a character, showing you no emotion, or showing you purely negative emotion and dysfunction.
I have hobbies, and it still isn't working
Whenever I do connect, I immediately pull back. I've had opportunities to make new guy friends this year, but then I don't reach out. I'm like, I don't need to play tennis with this dude. And I know this needs to change. I need to be trying to connect better with other people. A viewer pointed out that being authentic is blue pill, and it is.
So I play tennis. I go to yoga. I have hobbies. I exercise. I'm out. I'm walking. But often when I'm in a great mood, it's like nobody wants to even connect with me. It's like everybody else is in a bad mood. I smile, and the women just walk around with their heads down, and some of the dudes are just too superficial and want to talk football or something. I don't want to talk football. I've got some guy friends already, but it's actually easier for me to go out with women than it is to make new guy friends. I've had some guys I've connected with, and I'm just like, I don't know, man. I don't know what to do about this. If you've been in a lonely spot like this too, you might find more of these honest nights in my Daily Vlogs playlist.