This is an excerpt from my memoir, Officer Banfield — the honest story of my years as a corrections and police officer, hitting bottom in alcoholism, and the long road to recovery.
Going forward, we will tell some stories by individual themes here. This one is about a security guard I had a little thing with. The most memorable thing she did is after taking a report one night, a few nights later she called up dispatch and asked dispatch to give me her phone number so that she could follow up with me about a case.
The dispatcher literally read her phone number over the radio for all the officers to hear. My two friends, the corporal and another guy were both standing with me BS-ing around at about three in the morning when this happened.
They both looked at me asking, "What the fuck? What is this? A booty call or some shit?"
And yes, it turned out the one guy who looked at me like that had actually had sex with her already at this point. I didn't know I was getting sloppy seconds, but I would soon find that out. He was married at the time and he had had sex with her just once I think.
Now, let's go back a minute. What had started this?
There was this security guard that we took a report from one night of some kind of minor crime. Then, a few days later, she gave me her phone number.
She was kind of cute.
Apparently, she had just lost about 30 pounds right before this. She had thinned down a good bit since my friend the corporal had been with her.
Just a night or two after she gave me her phone number, I called her up and she came over to my place, and we ended up hooking up after watching a movie, and then she left after that.
I thought, "Wow, this is great."
Then, she kept coming over several more times after that. I remember one night after she came over, I was working overtime at the bookstore at USCPD. It was an eight-hour overtime assignment, simply walking around the bookstore looking for people shoplifting.
This seems funny today that you would pay an officer to preventively police the bookstore to deter shoplifting when at the same time I was at USCPD, just a little while after this, there was a case investigating a bookstore employee for an alleged theft of $30,000 worth of books from the bookstore.
That's probably more than everyone shoplifting combined times five or ten.
Yes, the employees, and this is consistent in crime across the board.
It is the employees who steal almost all of everything that's stolen in almost any kind of retail store. It is the employees, and for every probably one thing that is shoplifted 10 things are stolen by employees.
Ironic.
They should have had me standing around watching the employees at the bookstore to see if they took any of the books home.
But nope.
What was memorable about this day was that it was burning when I pissed and I thought, "Well, this is new. I imagine this will just go away."
And fortunately, it did, and the STD test results I got a year and a half later came back and there wasn't anything permanent on there.
So, that's good.
The security guard, I kept seeing her, but she really seemed like she liked me and was into me. She was a cute girl, but I just didn't have that vibe, that connection with her. It was nice to have sex with her, but I didn't enjoy talking with her or spending time with her.
She had this nice way one night, she came over after I went to the strip club for the first time with my sergeant, my corporal and a couple of other people from my shift when I was very early on at USCPD.
The one a little bit of good sense I had with all my drinking, gambling, calling escorts here and there to come over, watching porn online, I had some sense that I had no business getting near a strip club, and after several drinks, I changed my mind on that or I thought I changed my mind.
You see, when you go out drinking you realize you might not really get the ability to change your mind in your own best interest, and I decided, "Well, I got to be one of the boys here. Let's go to the strip club."
I had a really good time at the strip club and I dropped $1,000 in the
champagne room. I did not even get an orgasm in there.
This, as the guy in Bad Boys 2 would say, "This is fucking depressing."
Yes, the first time I went in the champagne room I got nothing for it. The next time was different and felt worth the money.
The first time though, that was not good.
The first time, I came home really sexually frustrated after spending two weeks or so of my paycheck.
What did I get at USCPD?
I got $33,000 or $35,000 or something like that a year.
If I divide by 52, I spent over a week's pay at the strip club in one night, and I really needed to have sex that night.
So, I called the security guard over. She came over at about six or seven in the morning.
Fortunately, she was up.
Who would expect she was up? It was nice.
Then, we were laying there in the bed and she turned over to me. She asked, "Do you want me to go?"
I thought, "Damn, I've never liked you better than right this moment. Yes, you know exactly what I'm thinking. Please get up and go. I don't want to
know…"
And I said, "Yeah, please go. I'd like to just fall asleep without you in the bed right now. Yes, bye, Felicia."
So she got right up and left.
I felt like, "Thank God. That's all I needed tonight."
I'm taking you into my world as it used to be. This sounds just as nasty as it might sound today. This is how I used to live and it's the truth.
So, this was my relationship with the security guard and she kept trying to come over more often, and what I realized is that as long as I kept fooling around with her, I was kind of closing myself off to something better.
As long as I continued to have her come over, I probably wasn't going to get up the energy to date another girl and actually have a real relationship. She was satisfying my sexual desires and that was kind of taking away that urge to go find a girl that I really did like to date.
One of the most memorable times with the security guard is when I had two of my friends visiting from college. The same ones actually that the dispatcher and I had visited out of town and had that epically horrible Monday night, or whatever day of the week it was.
This was about maybe a year, maybe six, eight or nine months before the dispatcher. They came to visit me in my one-bedroom apartment, which had a bedroom with the door, then it had a bathroom, a living room and a kitchen.
They came over to stay and sleep in the bed while I was drinking and
playing "Rise of Nations" that night. I was off work and at about two or three in the morning, I decided I needed to switch to Xbox.
At this time, I was also working night shifts. So, I would get up at about five in the afternoon, go to bed at about 8 or 10 in the morning.
Therefore, they came over and they were sleeping in the living room.
This is how considerate I was. I woke both of them up at three or four in the morning.
I said, "I want to play some Xbox. Go to sleep in the bedroom now."
I had been playing in the bedroom and I told them to sleep in the living room because I was playing "Rise of Nations."
So I said, "Yeah, you guys can sleep on the couch and the pullout bed."
But I made them switch at four in the morning. I kicked their asses out of the bed.
I said, "Go to sleep in the bedroom."
So they closed up the bedroom door.
I was then playing "Call of Duty," I think it was "World at War" or something like that. I was playing on Xbox and continuing to drink about four in the morning.
The security guard texted me, she wanted to come over. I said, "Sure."
I didn't even consider that they were around. I thought, "Sure. I'll have sex."
She came over and we ended up hooking up in the shower.
We made a ton of noise and my friends thought I was watching a porno that was really loud, and then at some point, I guess they figured out when they got up the next morning, I was still up, I said, "No. That was a real girl I had sex with that came over."
They thought that was really funny that I had had a girl over while they were sleeping at night. Then, I went and slept in the bed after that at about eight or nine in the morning and they got up and left.
Another memorable story with the security guard.
I think I told you the last time I saw the security guard was my little drunk night, this was the last night shift I worked. So fast forward about a year from this.
I eventually told the security guard a little bit after that shower sex night, which was actually really fun, I told her a little bit after this, I was at work one night, I called her up, she wanted to talk to me and have a real relationship.
She wanted to come over, she wanted to text and call, and I don't even think I ever actually took her out on a date. I think we went through the Sonic drive through one night, but I never actually went out on a date with her.
This was feeling lame and like a waste of my time, and I was even
getting tired of just being able to have sex. I wanted it to be a little more difficult to just find someone to have sex with instead of this being so convenient, but not exciting or passionate.
So, she was talking to me about wanting to come over and where things were going from here and I said, "Look, I don't think things are going anywhere from here. I think you're just wasting your time with me. I think you need to find someone that likes you better than I do."
Then we didn't talk for a while after that, I did not hear from her for maybe six months or so.
I saw her around I think at some point on campus. It was at this point I ended up finding out that my friend the corporal had sex with her before I did.
He said, "Dude you were with her too?"
I said, "Yeah."
He then said, "You got my sloppy seconds, bitch," or something like that. I said, "Oh, that's all good."
Little did he know I got his wife first before he married her, so that works out really good actually.
"You got my sloppy seconds fool."
You might say, "Jerry, why are you saying this? This is disgusting."
Well, this is the world I lived in when I was a police officer. I got to put it in the exact same context for you.
So, we were talking about that and he was telling me about his story. He said, "Yeah, man. I hooked up with her right in the elevator."
I said, "You hooked up with her on campus, in that elevator, my man? Holy shit."
He said, "Yeah. It was like three in the morning and I don't know what it was."
I said, "Damn, you hooked up with her in the elevator? Holy shit, dude. That's ballsy."
I believe this corporal later got terminated at USCPD for falling asleep on the job while he was dating the dispatcher that ended up leading me to quit.
So, the body count, I believe that's three, maybe four officers at USCPD
that went down over this one dispatcher.
He was staying up being with her, and then he was falling asleep at work when he was on his shift.
So yes, this is some good stuff.
He said, "Yeah, man. I don't know what it was. We were just talking and then one thing led to another right there in the elevator."
I said, "Damn, dude. Shit. That's crazy."
So, the last time I had sex with the security guard, it was the night after the stripper came over that I had had sex with in the strip club.
I made the mistake of saying something thoughtless and cruel to the stripper because I was trying to relive having the dispatcher over, and that didn't work well. She got upset and didn't want to talk
about it and she was all turned off and left.
I was saying that ironically, and that was the dumbest shit I could have said.
When you have a stripper who comes over, who is really horny and does want to have sex, if you want to turn her off and get her to leave your place as soon as possible, say something cruel and presumptuous about why she got into stripping.
Yep.
"Oh, what? You've got to leave all of a sudden? What the fuck? We haven't even had sex yet."
So the night after this, I was just like desperate for sex. At this point, it had been two weeks since I had had sex with the stripper in the strip club.
These night shifts were getting crazy.
So, it was four or five in the morning again. I was playing "Call of Duty: World at War" again. I was drunk and I told this security guard even though I haven't seen her in a long time, which was a mistake too, I didn't realize she had put on 30 pounds, maybe even 40 pounds since I had seen her.
She had got hella thick, and I think even thicker than when the corporal
had sex with her.
I messed up bad on this. I was so desperate though.
I said, "Look, come over and have sex."
She wasn't believing it after what I had told her before.
I said, "Look, I'll marry you. I'll give you a family. I'll give you everything you want."
So she came over.
It was the biggest lie I have ever told in my life. She came over.
If you connect with how I live and think, you can follow the rest of my days on YouTube in my Life playlist.