My friends, you are about to hear the truth of Alcoholics Anonymous, including the Big Book, working the steps, an AA sponsor, and the meetings. This comes from me. I have almost nine years sober in Alcoholics Anonymous. I've been to thousands of meetings. I go to a meeting almost every day, and this program has saved my life.
The truth about AA is that it's worked to help millions of people get sober and stay sober for the rest of our lives, and it's also helped millions more people make some improvement in life. Alcoholics Anonymous is a program of action, and it's a program of people.
The truth about sponsorship
The truth about sponsorship is that while it can be very helpful, I worked the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous the first time without a sponsor. I simply went through the book, wrote an honest story of my life, started sharing about it, raising awareness, raising my hand at open meetings, talking about my self-harm experience, and sharing my fifth step right in the middle of a meeting as a part of the topic. I started to see some character defects and some patterns, and I'd talk with people after meetings. I started taking suggestions, made a list of the people I'd hurt and got to work, immediately making amends, continued to take inventory, did lots of prayer, started to discover meditation, and had a spiritual awakening, all without having a sponsor.
However, once I got through the 12 steps the first time on my own, I had a thought that I needed to ask this specific person to be my sponsor so that I could deepen and do the steps more effectively.
Alcoholics Anonymous is a program of action
The truth about Alcoholics Anonymous is that if you go through the steps and actually do the process as fast as possible, things will get drastically easier. There's not going to be almost any relief at first. In fact, things may feel like they're actually getting worse until you make some real change. Alcoholics Anonymous is a program of change. It's not a program of just sitting in the seat and listening and going home and then being the same way at home that you were before.
To me, Alcoholics Anonymous is a program of growing up, of learning what grown folks do when various things happen, of letting go. Letting go of dumb little thoughts like, what am I going to do at my son's wedding when people are toasting? That's a stupid, useless thought that you might have when your son's a baby and you're trying to get sober.
It's a program of helping others. What really got me excited to come to Alcoholics Anonymous, even when I'd had my last hangover and hadn't been to a meeting in nine years, what got me excited to come to AA meetings was imagining helping other people. AA is a program of helping other people.
The mastermind and the higher power
If you've read the book Think and Grow Rich, which is one of the definitive books on building wealth and recognizing many different forms of wealth, it identifies a mastermind, a group of people who've come together for a common purpose, as being one of the most helpful methods of achieving anything. The truth is Alcoholics Anonymous is a group where you form a mastermind. It's a higher power.
When 2, 3, 4, 5, 10, 20, 50, 100 people get together and all sit down in a room at Alcoholics Anonymous for the purpose of staying sober, it's as if there's this entity that comes alive and lifts everybody up. You could call it a god, a higher power, the spirit of the universe. When everybody's all working towards the same goal, all members are lifted closer to that goal. It's literally miraculous.
It works if you open your mind
The truth is Alcoholics Anonymous works if you will open your mind. I don't like the term surrender as much, but if you find that helpful, go for it. It's about giving up this idea of, I know who I am, I know exactly how the world is, I know, I know, I know. If you want Alcoholics Anonymous to work, in my experience, it's about saying obviously I don't know. Obviously I don't know how to have a happy sober life. I don't know how to be a productive, useful human being who actually finds joy and connection with others.
The 12 steps are a program of living. It's a way to take out the garbage that's in your own mind and body and soul, to let go of that, to chisel away and to make yourself into the beautiful person, soul, and body that is within.
I've watched it transform people, body and soul
I love seeing new people come in. Their bodies are just trash, their minds are trash, their spirit is sick. And the more they come to meetings, man. I just saw a woman yesterday at a meeting. When she first came to a meeting, she was fat, her skin was all messed up, and she was in this just awful state of chaos and drama. She's still having a challenging time in her life, but nine months later, she's lost 20 pounds. Her skin, her body, it looks beautiful now. Even though she's going through the challenges of new sobriety, just nine months of not drinking has made a fantastic positive difference on her entire mind, body, and spirit. This is normal. I've seen this happen so many times.
Now, some of us will pick up addictions. For example, when I got sober, I was disappointed. I only lost 20 pounds after a few months, because I wasn't sober. I was eating a whole bunch of sweets. When they're like, have a piece of chocolate, if you have a little bit of a craving, I thought, why not have a whole box of mints? And I'm going to drink all these juices. I'm going to eat lots of ice cream. I actually stalled my weight loss, and then I needed to go in further and work on my eating.
AA is a gateway to getting your power back
The truth about Alcoholics Anonymous is that it's a gateway to gaining your power back. We come in at the first step of Alcoholics Anonymous, and we feel powerless. And by the 12th step, we feel very powerful. We feel that we are not alone. We are connected to the rest of reality. And if I am able to get sober, if I can work a process that will remove the obsession to drink from me, if I can have a happy, useful, sober life, what else is possible?
That's what happened to me after about 90 days. I went through the steps for the first time on my own without a sponsor, just by going to a couple of meetings a week. I was utterly miserable, and the obsession to drink was all over me. Then, when I finally got into the 10th, 11th, and 12th step, I prayed desperately. I got a massage, which helped me do a very deep meditation and take a very effective inventory. In the 10th step, I had a spiritual awakening, immediately got a sponsor right after that, and doubled down on the program. Since then, I've come to meetings most days, at least five days a week on average, gotten completely cleaned out with my 4th and 5th step, and went to change my whole life to make amends and live as a productive, useful adult.
If hearing how this actually plays out over years helps you, I share more of it in my post on long-term emotional sobriety in action, and a lot of what I'm describing here is the same ground I cover when I explain the 12 steps of AA for someone just starting out.
You don't have to let anyone run your life
The truth about Alcoholics Anonymous is you don't just have to submit and give up to whoever is trying to run your life. I can't stand that crap in meetings. Maybe that works for some people, but for a rebellious personality like this one, I've never just done what everybody's told me to do in Alcoholics Anonymous. I've continually processed things through.
This one guy in a meeting shared one day that mushrooms had been a great part of his recovery. I asked my sponsor, I'm like, that doesn't sound like a good idea to you, does it? And he's like, no, that does not sound like a good idea either. But I've done things my sponsor said that didn't sound like a very good idea to him, like publishing a book with my whole fifth step in it, called Speaker Meeting 2017. My sponsor said he didn't think that was a good idea, and I said, I understand why you think that's not a good idea, and I know that I need to do this, because this is how I carry the message to other people.
A lot of people have told me, Jerry, you can't keep having your name and your face in these videos, you're violating the 11th tradition by saying you're a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I say that we need to change Tradition 11, where I can tell my own story. Now, I don't go tell your story, but I can tell my own story anywhere. I don't care what they did in the past, I know this to be right for me. I follow my own inner guidance from within, and I check with others on my own inner guidance, because sometimes my own inner guidance gives me dumb ideas. When I check with other people, I get clarity.
What a good sponsor actually does
I find that the truth about having a sponsor in Alcoholics Anonymous is that my sponsor is there to assist me, to help me, and to keep me accountable. My sponsor is not there to run my life, to tell me what to do, and to play God over me. I love that I've never had a sponsor that's tried that crap with me.
My sponsor's been very gentle and made subtle suggestions. When I first started working with my sponsor, who I've been with almost eight years now, he suggested that I go to the rector at the Episcopal Church and do another fifth step. After I'd already done a few, he suggested I go do another one. He didn't say I had to, he didn't tell me when to do it, he suggested it, and I went and did it. He suggested that I try some different meetings, because I went to the same meeting at the same time and the same place almost every day. He suggested I try some new meetings. I did that. He has not had very many other suggestions for me, and I love that. However, I ask him questions. And when I ask questions, he gives answers.
My sponsor leads by example. I think the best sponsors in Alcoholics Anonymous simply lead by example, and offer support to those who ask for it. Believe it or not, I used to get more people that asked me to sponsor them when I was newer than I do now. I guess some people feel like they can't relate with me. But the truth about AA is there are lots of different ways to successfully work the program. Some people love having a militant sponsor that tells them exactly what to do and exactly where to do it. Others, like me, that doesn't work. And what's beautiful is Alcoholics Anonymous has all kinds of different choices.
If you don't like one meeting, try a different one
The truth about AA meetings is if you find that you don't like one AA meeting, try going to a different one. And try checking your app. Try checking your attitude. I went with someone to an AA meeting one time. We sat right next to each other, and they thought the AA meeting was just so depressing. Look at this sad room full of people who can't drink anymore. I sat right next to them and I said, I didn't get that. I got, how inspiring.
All these people were hopeless, miserable drunks, living lives that they're ashamed of and felt powerless over. And look, these people are empowered now and helping others. We sat at the exact same meeting right next to each other. If you're taking all this depressing, negative outlook out of AA meetings, maybe that's because that's how you're choosing to look at it. Maybe there is that inspiring, hopeful component that's there in meetings. But if you're filled with self-pity, oh poor me, I can't drink, my life sucks, I'm a victim, everybody did this to me, I don't deserve this, it can be hard to see that.
And yes, the truth is AA meetings are not for everybody. There are other recovery programs out there. I'm big into going where you feel the energy is right. If you go to an AA meeting and you think the meeting sucks and it's depressing, try going to a different meeting. I would suggest you try at least five different meetings to get different flavors.
In St. Petersburg, Florida, where I'm at, it's one of the best places I've seen to get sober. There are so many different meetings. There are meetings filled with just old dudes that have tons of sobriety. There are meetings filled with working people who are just getting off of work and have jobs. There are meetings filled with young people who are crazy as hell and sick as hell and desperate for help. Those tend to be the ones I really like going to. I like the sick, crazy cases. I'll be happy to help you with that.
Work with people after the meeting
The truth is, in my experience, working with people after AA meetings tends to be what has worked best for me. I did my first two fifth steps with my sponsor and then with a grand-sponsor by just sitting down with them after the meeting. I did not plan ahead to do it. I simply had like the butterfly effect or total recall. I had these memories that were blacked out in my mind all of a sudden come back to me. Some of them all the way back from being a young adult in the middle of my crazy drinking, and others from childhood, things I hadn't remembered and been told never to talk about in 20 years. These things came up and I talked to people after meetings.
The truth about AA meetings is you want to listen like only the dying can. Pay attention to people who have what you want and then go work with them. Ask for help. Some people say, well, Jerry, you seem intimidating and unapproachable, like I can't just come up to you. I'm like, look, if I see somebody who has what I want, I go to them. They're not obligated to come to me and give it to me.
When I was new in my first year sober, I relentlessly went to people who I saw with great long-term sobriety. 10 years, 20 years, 30 years, and happy and courageous, and that other people loved them and had passion for them. I didn't go to the grouchy old timers that seemed to be bitter and full of resentment and just hanging on by a thread. I did not go to them. I went to the people who had the kind of life and the kind of energy that inspired me. I asked them to help me do my first step, like my grand-sponsor. I would go to them and talk about all my crazy ideas that came through my head, and I would ask them, what do you think? Often they'd actually done the things that were crazy ideas in my head, and they shared their experience and they helped me feel better.
I find this works in any area of life, like being a parent. When I was about to be a parent, I went to lots of other parents and asked for advice and asked for help. I went to parents whose parenting I liked and was inspired by. In my business, I go to people who have what I want. I started a new crypto channel, and I talked to two successful crypto YouTubers and got a lot of feedback from them that helped me learn from them. AA is a place where you can find people that have fantastic sober lives. This is the same spirit I try to keep alive in the Jerry Banfield Family, where we go to each other for help instead of going it alone.
The truth about alcohol
The truth about alcohol is that it is a mostly inert substance that is a little bit of a depressant and a poison to the human body. Through the collective work of alcohol companies and all the people they employ, and all the money they spend on advertising and product placements, the truth is you've been programmed very hard to drink alcohol. If you're an alcoholic, that programming is set in you successfully. There's no telling if you can ever get rid of that programming or not. But the truth is, AA meetings, a sponsor, the 12 steps, and the Big Book will help you have a chance to reprogram your mind, that being sober is awesome, that you don't need alcohol to quench your thirst, to dance, to have sex, to have fun, to talk with people.
Anything I did drinking before, I can do much better sober. My dancing is better sober. Actually, drinking ruined my dancing. When I was a freshman and I didn't drink in college, I had way more fun dancing. As soon as I started drinking, it became all about the drinking. While I certainly didn't care anymore about my dancing, the actual quality of my dancing dropped drastically. The quality of the decisions I made dating dropped drastically once I started drinking. I had beautiful girls that I went out with before I started drinking. And man, you don't want to see the heifers I was out with at 7 in the morning after a night of drinking, and all the money I spent at strip clubs.
The truth is, alcohol sucks, and people are making a massive profit selling it to you and keeping you oppressed by drinking it. The truth is, I prefer not to be around alcohol anywhere. While the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book says it's possible to go places where alcohol is served, it's much easier and preferable to simply stay away from it and to stay away from people who drink as a way of life.
The truth about the Big Book
The truth, to me, is that the Big Book is a helpful resource. But there's a lot of stuff in the Big Book that is crap, or that I find is not relevant to me. I've read the Big Book three times all the way through on my own. While I do go to a literature meeting every week or two, I prefer not to read the Big Book anymore. I've got it. It's sunk in. I prefer to read other books like A Course in Miracles and so many others, Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now, books on nonviolence and communication.
The truth is, if a book like Alcoholics Anonymous can be a very positive force to change my life, then there are thousands of other books that can do the same. Instead of reading the Big Book repeatedly, I've chosen to read a book about just focusing on finding a higher power, A Course in Miracles, and getting to know myself. To find a book just about how to eat healthy, like How Not to Die and How Not to Diet. To repeatedly read books to educate myself and grow up.
For me, reading the same literature over and over again gets to be pointless. I read Daily Reflections every day for a couple of years, and I don't do that anymore. I don't need to read that. I've read those, and it doesn't work for me anymore. I think that many of us crave new ways of hearing the same message. If you're going through the motions doing something like reading the Big Book or Daily Reflections, and if you're brand new doing that, there just might be some resistance. Once you realize, for me, this is a life and death program. This is a miserable, dishonorable death and a crappy, half-lived life if I drink, or I get to see my full potential if I stay sober. Those are the two choices. There's no middle. To me, this has been an absolute gift from God.
Hold your opinions loosely, even mine
The truth for me is, in AA meetings, it's valuable to hear a lot of different opinions, and to not be too attached to even what I say. Sometimes people are going God, God, God too much in a meeting, and I'll talk about how people that are agnostic and atheists really inspired me when I first got sober. In another meeting, no one's talking about God, and I'll go off on God. In another meeting, I'll say that I found that I am God. I need no higher power, higher than my own awareness. I am certain that the same energy that flows in you, and in all the rest of us, and in whatever God we come up with, that's who I am. That's who all of us are.
I'm certain that Alcoholics Anonymous gives me the chance to find a higher power, and that in seeking and getting to know the higher power, I will see there's no difference between me, who I really am without this mind and this body, and a higher power.
The truth, all together
The truth is, Alcoholics Anonymous has been one of the best things that's ever happened to me. The 12 steps are a way of living that I practice every day, and I'm out here carrying the message as often as I can carry it, and in meetings almost every day.
The truth is, the Big Book is very helpful, but it's not a Bible. It's not something, in my opinion, you want to read every day and just stick to forever. I read the Big Book, the 12 and 12, Living Sober, Came to Believe, Daily Reflections, Twenty-Four Hours a Day, and hundreds of other books since then.
The truth is, having a sponsor in Alcoholics Anonymous can be very helpful, but if you get the wrong sponsor, you need to get rid of them and find the right sponsor. The truth is, I wouldn't be here alive today without Alcoholics Anonymous, and I show I'm grateful by constantly paying it forward. If you want to see how all of this weaves into my ordinary days, I keep sharing it openly in a day in my life with ICP crypto, AA, and owning my reality, and you can watch more of where I'm at lately over on my Life playlist.