On July 10, 2023, the kids were back at school because it was Monday, and I'd decided this was the day. I was finally going to talk to my wife about the yoga crush video I made and about this girl from yoga.
I'd only mentioned her once before, telling my wife casually while we were driving that I had a friend at yoga. I hadn't actually had the conversation with her yet, and there was a reason for that. In the past, any time I had a little crush, or a bit of a feeling that I was starting to like a girl, I would tell my wife about it — to be accountable, to get her perspective, and to help stop it from happening in the first place. That was our agreement.
The rule I thought she had set
The last time this happened, though, I was sure she had told me something different. I remembered her saying that I didn't need to tell her about a crush anymore, or about my little feelings for girls, unless I was going to leave her for them. I took that to mean that unless I was actually going to leave and something was really serious, I didn't need to talk about it.
And this thing with the girl at yoga felt pretty serious, despite not knowing her last name or having her phone number, and despite not having seen her in months. It still feels very much alive.
The conversation, and what she actually remembered
So I sat my wife down at the table and told her about the song I made the day before, and explained that I'd had this crush on the girl at yoga that was really intense. I explained it — not in quite as much detail as I've gone into in all these diary entries, but in a decent amount of detail — to make sure we were clearly on the same page.
And my wife said that she doesn't remember telling me not to tell her about the crushes. That's interesting, because I clearly remember her saying that. But she doesn't remember saying it, which might actually make sense: if it was a bit painful for her, she might have blocked it out in her mind and just said that at the time to dismiss it. But now I know what to do going forward. And I'm glad we finally had this conversation, because we've needed to have it, and I feel like it's out in the open now.
Why I'm still looking for her everywhere
I hope this will help me move forward, because every single time I go to the Body Electric for yoga, I'm still looking for the yoga crush girl. I'm still sad when she doesn't come to class. I still regret how things worked out. I still think people misled me and should have encouraged me to just pursue a friendship, to set clear boundaries, and to be honest. And I'm wondering constantly whether this is a one-way thing. Is this girl still thinking about me, or has she moved way on by now? I would really love to know.
I've even started, everywhere I go, to wonder if she'll just pop up at the grocery store — if I'll randomly run into her at Publix or Trader Joe's, or while I'm out walking around somewhere. Basically, any time I'm in St. Pete, I'm wondering if I'll see her again.
And I have conflicting thoughts about it. Obviously, it's so much easier if I just never see her again. But my curiosity says I've got to talk to her and say, hey, I've been really obsessed with you — what has your experience been? Because there are definitely times in life where we get fixated on somebody and they don't even seem to be thinking of us. But there are other times where you find that you are mutually thinking about somebody just as much. I wonder which one of those this is. And I wonder when I'll be able to stop thinking about her every single day.
This is the kind of thing I keep working through honestly in my Dating playlist, and if you want more of where this story goes, here's how a stranger on a bike crashed my yoga crush and woke me up to my marriage.