Here's why I don't trust "just be yourself" in dating. If you're struggling with who to be — should you run "the game," or why don't people just like you as you are? — this is the conflict I've been facing. Everyone tells me to be authentic, open, and honest, but in my experience that doesn't work. What works is running what I call the game. This is me thinking out loud, not claiming to have the answer.
The pattern I keep seeing
When I got divorced, I started being what I thought was myself — warm, open-hearted, excited, honest with the women I liked — and it never once started to go well. They were universally cooled off by it. Meanwhile, when I got with my ex-wife 15 years ago (and plenty of attractive women before her), I was running the game: more neutral, more indifferent, less invested, a little aloof, not showing too much interest. And attraction came easily. By her own account, I won out over a more passive, authentic guy who was taking it slow.
The painful conflict
That creates a real problem: the women I most want to be authentic with — the ones I'm actually attracted to — are the ones I most have to run the game on, while it's effortless to be "aloof" with someone I don't care about, which ironically makes them more interested. I had a great first impression with a woman recently, then watched her interest drain the more openly enthusiastic I was; I'm certain that holding back would have changed everything. And I hate that it works. I'd love a world where we can all be honest about our likes, dislikes, and attraction — but when I lead with what I love about a woman, it tends to repel her unless her self-esteem is low.
Is there a better way?
So what is authenticity, really? Maybe my excited, open-hearted side and my cautious, emotionally contained side are both genuinely me — and women clearly notice the contained, unbothered energy. A friend insists authenticity led to his happy marriage, and maybe that's a certain maturity or fit I haven't found. But I notice a lot of guys who teach "the game" can't keep a healthy long-term relationship, and that when I stopped running it with my ex, she liked me less — the version she fell for wasn't the one who just showed up to be present. The game works in the short term, but maybe it works on the wrong people. I'm genuinely looking for a better way, and until I find one, I'm honest that I don't yet know what it is. If you want to talk it through, watch my dating playlist here.