The advice that keeps failing me
Here's why I don't trust just be yourself in dating, and this will be a really helpful video if you're struggling with who am I in dating, should I run the game, or why don't people just like me as I am? This is what I've been facing recently, is the advice everyone gives me is saying, just be yourself, be authentic, be honest, be open, but I've got a problem with that advice because in my experience, that doesn't actually work. What works is running what I call the game. Let me give you some context.
When being open-hearted backfired
When I got divorced last year, I started being what I thought was myself. I was just real open hearted and excited and honest with the women I liked, but it did not once did it even start to go well. I came in warm, I saw the possibilities, I felt hopeful, and all the women I liked were universally repulsed from that. Meanwhile, when I actually got with my ex, who was absolutely gorgeous 15 years ago, I was constantly running the game. I was playing the game. I was being more neutral, more indifferent, less invested, and the attraction, not just with my ex, but with a bunch of attractive girls before her, came much more easily.
This creates a real conflict and a hard question. If one version of me.. If one version of me gets rejected, the version of me that goes up to a girl and is all excited to talk to her and really wants to get to know her and is open hearted and enthusiastic about the possibilities based on the attraction I feel, if that version consistently gets rejected, where the women I like, for example, let me give you some very clear examples. I go to this sober dance party in St. Pete, Florida, and I meet this girl there on the dance floor. And she's looking at me, making eye contact.
Her friend introduced her, so she got a warm introduction to me. She's giving me signs. She's interested. I talked to her for a couple hours. She's not dating anybody, although she said, I'm not dating right now, which if I was running the game, I'd immediately, either roasted her over that or said bye. But I kept talking to her. We held hands. We sat and looked over the water, and we had a lot of fun and laughter together. She gave me her phone number. And then I was being very real and authentic. I was excited to meet her, and I texted her the next morning saying, hey, there's a yoga event tonight I think you'd really like.
Would you like to go? And of course, she's immediately cooling me off with that. Oh, no, I don't have time. I'm too busy. And see, in that scenario, I always felt like I was being really authentic. I just shared from the heart. I didn't try and filter or make anything happen. I just was connecting with this girl. And I woke up honestly excited and reached out. And do you think things went well with that girl? Absolutely not. She had no interest in me and was never that warm again. As soon as I sent that text message the next day. And then I wonder, that side of me felt pretty authentic.
But let's compare that with playing the game.
What I mean by running the game
So a lot of men and like dating coaches and guys that are in like the manosphere and stuff, I've learned how to play the game 15 years ago really well. I actually learned in 2009. So 17 years ago, I was playing the game and I got one hot girl after another to like me, to fall in love with me, to want to go to bed with me over and over again. And I knew how to run the game. The game was not showing too much emotion, not appearing to be too available, being a little aloof, having options, not acting overly attached too early. And that meant not showing.
Girls, honestly, that I had interest in them. And the crazy thing was, it was also not honestly feeling interest in them. And it worked over and over again. For example, if that girl I had met at the sober dance party, if I don't message her for several days, she probably is actually more attracted and more interested in me because now she spent several days wondering what I've been doing and hoping, thinking, did I like her? She's had several days to miss me and want me. But instead, when I text her the next morning, which feels authentic, like something somebody not playing any games would do, then she's turned off by it.
When the game runs itself
The uncomfortable truth is, too, this game was working for me even when I wasn't even consciously playing it. I was just honestly, there was one girl that I hooked up with right after I moved out of the house from, getting separated with my ex. And I woke up. This one morning, and I'm like, I'm going to just go through my phone and text girls and try and get one to come over tonight. I texted 11 girls first thing in the morning, and I had one girl that came over and spent the night. And I didn't even like this girl. I felt like I had to stuff every part of authentic me and just zip my lips and not criticize all the ridiculous things she was saying, all the things she was saying that were turning me off constantly, that were making me not like her.
I didn't find myself. I didn't find myself very physically attracted to her. I was pretty indifferent and honestly unavailable and not showing very much emotion except intentionally faked emotion to try and connect with her. And as soon as we were in the bedroom and she had a good time, she really liked me. I was so excited when she left the next morning. I made sure to get rid of her as soon as possible the next morning. If I would have actually liked her, I would have made sure to get rid of her. I would have made sure to keep her around the whole day if she wanted to.
But I made sure to get rid of this girl immediately. And I haven't seen her again since then. And of course, what happens? She starts texting me. I don't reach out to her at all. She texts me. She's texting me all day. She really likes me. But I ran the game honestly on her because I honestly didn't have any emotion for her. I wasn't available or interested in a relationship with her at all. I was totally aloof because I knew this isn't a girl I really like. And I was not at all attached to her. And it worked. She was very interested in me. I don't know if I've ever turned a girl on that much before.
I share more of these honest dating stories and what I've learned from them in my Dating playlist.
And it's ridiculous because it's a perfect example of the conflict between I know that the game works and the girls I'm most wanting to just be authentic and not run the game on, the ones I find attractive and I'm interested in, then, those are the ones I most need to run the game on because I can effortlessly not like a woman or pay much attention to a woman. Now, I think the ideal issue is that we should all be treating each other with love and fairness. And ideally, we should all be rigorously honest with each other. And that's why, at this point, running the game or playing the game, I can't stand it.
I don't want to play the game. But I get no results if I don't. When I was running the game, and I was, when I met my ex, like, I was blatantly not being real. I was intentionally hiding as much as I possibly could of anything I thought my ex wouldn't like. And all the girls before her. I was intentionally just being whoever I thought they wanted to be, whatever would attract them. And it worked. Not every time, for sure. But it worked. And it worked great. But as soon as then we got to the point of hooking up, I often would get very tired.
Because the energy I went into playing the game with required that I consciously didn't even like them that much. I had to intentionally push down any positive feelings I had and emphasize the negative feelings. And then many of the girls I was just interested in, increasing my body count or looking at them as a conquest. And I couldn't even tell if I really liked them until we hooked up. And my ex, I just found out, that I actually did really like her. But she was also so hot. That seemed to be all I really cared about, too. And she was pretty cooperative and fun.
How I won over my ex
When I met my ex wife, if I wasn't running the game, I probably don't get a second or third date with her. If I just met her and I was like, oh my gosh, you're so beautiful. Tell me all about yourself. Here, let me tell you all about me. She probably, she was dating another guy at the same time she was dating me. I was, according to her, I was running my game better than him. I was aggressive. I was manly. I was running the game. And this guy sounded like he was just being very authentic and taking it slow and really into her. And I was the one like on the second date where I'm going in for the kiss.
And I'm like, my thought is at the time, my game was if we don't kiss at the latest by the second date, I'm finished with the girl. I don't care anything. I don't care anything else about her. If we don't kiss by the second date, I'm done with her and I will go for it. And unless she like says, absolutely not, please don't. If there's any, if there's positive signals, I will make the effort. And if she's not interested, I will back off and be gone permanently, immediately afterwards. So this is the thing is the game gets so much in terms of results. And I'm certain that I can just keep running my game and even get better at it than I was before.
And I can have all kinds of women, but some beautiful, some not, but I can have as much action as I want running the game. And I will also not waste my time with women either. Like I went out with a few girls that I didn't like that much from online dating apps and it was effortless to just never text them again. And they didn't reach out to me either. If they had to reach out with me, I would have shut that down or I would have just ignored them. So here's the problem though. My ex often said that she didn't feel we were really compatible.
She feels that normally the two of us would not have got together, but she never put it together the way I've put it together now. We got together because I knew how to attract a woman. I knew how to get a very beautiful woman to fall in love with me because I'd done it repeatedly. I knew how to run the game and turn women on and get them attracted and hook them emotionally. And it felt like I had to be dishonest in order to do that because if I was being honest, like I went out with this, as I described in one of my recent videos, I went out with this girl that was a 29 year old doctor and I didn't run the game on her.
I told her that I thought she was attractive. I gave her compliments. I said that I had a great time and wanted to see her again. What do you think happened when I text her the next day? She didn't respond. And like now, it's just extremely predictable. I guarantee you, if I run game on that girl and I don't talk to her for several, I don't message her or ask for several days after the date, I guarantee you, she feels totally different about me. The problem is with this, though, lots of time what works to get someone attracted and get them in the bedroom and even to get a relationship and even have a family and kids, is that something necessarily, sustainable for the long term?
Because maybe my ex would have had a better life if I hadn't been running the game and she got with this other guy instead of me. This other guy who is more passive and not such a man, not so masculine. But this other guy who might have been nicer, might have been, a much more compatible fit for the two of them. But I bulldozed him out of the way. She didn't have time. She didn't have time to even think about him with me running my game at my level. And then this gets down to, well, my friend, I was talking to him and his wife last night and they both tell me that they weren't running game.
They were just being authentic with each other and he expressed on his date, first date, how much he liked her. He followed up right away. He even went by her workplace and brought her coffee just a couple of days after their first date from online. Like, that's, you won't see your boy doing that if I'm running the game. Now, if I'm being authentic, I love to do stuff like that. I love to do things that make my woman feel special. But unfortunately, that doesn't seem to be what actually gets a woman interested in me. If you're caught in this same tug-of-war between being real and getting results, you might find it helpful to join Jerry Banfield Family so we can talk through what's been happening in your own dating on a weekly call.
Friends who say authenticity works
Now, this got me thinking because my friend was trying to sell me on being authentic and telling me that will work, but I have no evidence that will work. I've never seen me authentically being authentic. Being loving and excited about a girl. I've never seen that once work in my whole life. Every girl I've ever got with was from running the game. Or from, like, literally, whether it was on purpose, like, ooh, I think she's hot. All right, game face on. Or being so disinterested that I was just naturally running the game. So my friend's telling me about trying to be just be yourself. But then this gets to what is authenticity.
Authenticity is me being a guy who is all enthusiastic about a girl. Is me on that date I went out with on the 29 year old doctor, is that me authentically? Or is that just me running kind of a version of myself? Like, if you think about it, like, each of our personalities is just kind of a working program we're using today. And about a week ago, I realized my working personality was not getting effective results with women. That I'm grateful. I'm physically attractive enough. Now, if you're not physically attractive enough to get that first impression with women where they find you physically attractive, I just put up a video about weight loss, for example, that can be really helpful.
I'm lean. I have a beautiful face, in my opinion, which matters most. And I have an energy about me, like a strength that women, not all women, but consistently, women notice me and find me attractive. Even dudes notice me. Like, when I walk into a room, I got a, big, strong energy and presence about me. That's, the kind when I share, people are like, who is that? I've got that presence about me. For example, the 29 year old doctor I went out with. She was very physically turned on by me when, based on the first impression. Like, I could see she was very enthusiastic to be out with me.
She was having a good time. But the more I was authentically me, the more she kept getting less and less interested. I guarantee you, if I had ran my game, she'd have been more interested and probably made out with me at the end of the date, instead of me getting her phone number and texting her and she ignores me. And that brings back to what is authenticity. If my goal is that, if there's a woman I'm attracted to, I want to do as much as I can with her. Isn't it authentic for me to just adjust my personality to run the game, to run whatever programs that achieve that objective?
I've successfully done that last week. There was a gorgeous girl at yoga today. And I came in with a, I don't care at all attitude. She starts talking to me first. And I, like, I put my mat farther away. And she's like, do you have enough space? I made her repeat herself. Cause I was like, I don't even understand what you just said. So I said, what did you say? And like, I didn't, if I was being like what I thought of as authentic a couple of weeks ago, I would have been all excited and I would have started talking to her and asking her questions.
And in almost every case, that has left me with a lot of anxiety. But I come in today, this girl starts talking to me first. I put my mat down with this energy of like, I don't care. I'm going to be where, and it, she starts talking to me first. And I'm, I make her repeat herself. And then I give her a one word answer. I say, yes. And then I walk off. It's like, I put this energy out of, I don't need anything from you. And that seems to really attract women, unfortunately, especially girls that are hot. And I'm like, I don't need anything from you.
And I guarantee you, even if I just go in there with the energy that I had before, this girl does not talk to me first. When, when you're really running your game properly, hot girls will start conversations with you. My personal trainer was on his game and like he just, girls would just try and pick him up. But this brings back to what is authenticity because I feel like there's this version of me that's really loving. Like I am with my kids, like where I just, want to snuggle them and play with them and have fun. And be as nice as I can. That feels authentic, but it also feels authentic to roll into a room and have this alpha male energy where, I'm a big presence and a big deal.
This same tension between who I am now and who I was a decade ago is something I dig into in I Can't Date Like I Did 15 Years Ago.
And if you want some of this, you better start something because I don't need you. I got all kinds of views all around and I'm only interested in the best I can get. And I'm not tolerating any, any wastes of my time. I'm not tolerating any BS. I will ghost you immediately because I have a full life and I don't need you. The crazy thing is women often like turn their heads at that kind of energy. And women just run away from the honest. Now, this is not all women. What I'm saying is most of the time, what my friend described sounded like an exception last night.
And maybe it's a certain level of maturity. Maybe it's a certain level of attractiveness. What I find is funny is if a girl's attracted to me enough, it's like I can just do whatever I want to. Like, but still, if I had been real and authentic with the girl that I hooked up with last time, I'd have told her, I would have said, you completely turned me off. And if I'd have been, if I'd have not been focused on running the game and just, getting mine, I'd have told her, get out. I'd rather be here by myself tonight than deal with you. This is a challenge because I'm looking at, I ideally would love a world where we can all just be honest with each other.
And where our honesty is that we are open hearted and loving and we want to embrace each other. And when it comes to dating, if we could all just honestly express our preferences, our likes and our dislikes, what we find attractive, our interests. But that doesn't seem to work. And if I focus mainly on what I love about a woman, they seem to not like that unless they have pretty low self esteem. And the ones that have that kind of low self esteem, I can't seem to find attractive.
Which version of me is real
So now I'm going down into like, what is honesty? Maybe authenticity is not whatever I feel most strongly at the moment. Maybe authenticity, maybe the excited, romantic, open hearted side of me that's real, but the cautious, discerning, emotionally contained side is also real too. And that leads me to, which one should I lead with? Well, I know that if I lead with the cautious, discerning, emotionally contained side, that that's the one women raise their eyebrows and notice when a man comes in with that energy. I had another interaction with a girl that was very pretty and I was so excited to get to know her and her friend had already told her about me.
So she already had got a positive opinion of me before she even met me. And then she's really cautious and guarded though. And if I'd have been running the game, I'd have cut that off immediately or I wouldn't even have triggered that cautious and guarding. But instead I went in like a kid just trying to be excited and fun. And and I left feeling horrible. I left feeling roasted. I left without a phone number. I left with a resentment. And it's like, if I'd have been running my game, either I'd have just not even hardly paid attention to her. And she would have tried to chase me more.
This same girl right now is chasing this guy and doing everything she, from my view, she's doing everything she can do to try and get with this guy who has stated to me that he has no interest in her like that. This is the guy she's trying to get with. And he has stated to me, he has absolutely no romantic interest in her. He does not find her attractive. He does not want a relationship. With her, he won't even do anything physically with her because he doesn't want her to hook him emotionally and try and rope him into something that he knows he doesn't want.
And here she is following him, feeling like in her mind, from what I can see, that, she's treating him like a boyfriend and she's trying really hard to break through. And when I hear my mom tell the story of meeting my dad, same kind of thing with him. So this leaves me looking at, like, it doesn't seem like pure authenticity works at all in dating. And it leaves me frustrated because if I'm authentic and then I get rejected, it kind of really hurts. And maybe that's why I don't want to do it. My friend said that, the cost of, that you are running the game, because you're coming from a place of hurt.
And I am hurt. One woman after another, after another. Universal rejection when I'm being what I feel is authentic. But when I'm running game, it doesn't hurt. If there's no hurt, if there's, if they don't text me or they're not interested in me, I don't care because I don't need them. And I'm just out there. I'm going after whatever's available. And if you're not available, I don't care because I'm going around when I'm playing the game, I'm closed hearted and you're not getting in here. And you're going to have to work to even try and get a little piece of some genuine emotion for you.
I'm constantly intentionally encountering any of the loving emotion I have to try and balance it or even slide it to negative. And it's just, it's really annoying that this works so well. And it works 15 years ago in my twenties. And it works. Right now, just the same 15 years later, despite so much of the world changing, it works just the same. Even though there's so many women out there that I know, and I respect that they're saying, stop playing games with us. Don't use these rules. But then I say, well, stop, stop letting that work to attract men. Stop being attracted to men that you can fantasize about because you don't know them enough.
I've passed out books to all kinds of women, like autobiographical books and universally turned, turned off every woman. Not one woman found me being real about my life. Not one woman found it attractive. Every single woman found me honestly sharing about my life repulsive. Across the board, across any type of relationship, any type of friendship, any type of history. Women universally repulsed by me sharing the truth. Now my friend says, and it seems that authenticity can lead to a better long term relationship. But it seems like if, if I go down, the authentic path, I'm going to be completely alone and just have to have faith that someday someone's going to come along who isn't repulsed by a man being straightforward and honest.
So far, I've not seen any evidence except my friend and his wife that point to this even being possible.
The cost of running the game
At the same time, the game has a high cost to just a couple of weeks ago, I was going around putting out all this loving energy towards women. And so enthusiastic when a girl I liked actually liked me. But the game also creates fusion. Confusion hurts feelings, leads to false hope. And I know the game is not nice to be on the other side of. Because looking back, I can see the wreckage of all the girls I dated before. And even looking at like my ex, where, maybe she'd have had a better life with somebody besides me. But I got her. Because I was running the game and the other dudes weren't.
Will running the game actually lead to a happy relationship? I've noticed a lot of men that write dating books seem to really struggle to have a happy relationship themselves. They can always get dates and hook up with girls. But a lot of the guys who talk about how to play the game don't seem to actually have long term healthy relationships. And when I stopped playing the game with my ex too, and it seemed like once I stopped playing the game, she didn't like me. She didn't like me as much anymore. The version of me she fell in love with off the game was not the version that then showed up to just be authentic and be there.
If you're wrestling with the same questions, you can join Jerry Banfield Family and we'll talk through them together on the weekly calls.
And I know, I know it hurts when you get ghosted when you go out with a guy. And he doesn't text you back for five days. Yeah, I remember one girl went back in my game running days, aggravated me. So I, after spending the night with her, I left her and didn't text her for four days afterwards. Even though we're a boyfriend and girlfriend. It's like, I'm tired of this, you can, you can have some space to think about me. And she, she decided that after four days of not hearing with me and and deciding that the phone didn't work on her end either, that she was ready to break up and I was a little hurt at first, but at the same time, I moved on.
And then there was another girl right after her, another attractive girl that was really into me right after her. That's the thing. The game can work in the short term. Absolutely. But what if it works on the wrong people? I don't, I don't like being a version of me that feels fake, but I don't like being this guy that women just are universally turned off on either. I want to be honest, but I'm not even sure what to do besides run the game at this point, because I don't see a better alternative than just running the game. Rolling in everywhere I go, say whatever I feel like, like last night, there's this girl I've, I've known for six months.