I can't date the way I did 15 years ago, back when I met the woman who became my wife. I was a different person then, and dating itself is different now. If you've been struggling — especially after a divorce or the end of a long relationship — I want to share the lessons I've worked hard to capture lately. See how many of them you recognize in yourself.
I used to date like a hunter
Fifteen years ago I dated like a hunter. I was looking to get with women as fast as possible — basically a salesman trying to close — and I approached every woman that way. I'm still a little surprised it worked. My ex and I were together for 15 years, and back then I could barely say the word "relationship." I was trying to get to the bedroom as fast as I could, and to make as many women like me as possible to get there.
That approach doesn't fit me anymore. When I got divorced I was still operating like the old me, but it no longer matched who I'd become. Getting sober and doing the work in recovery changed my personality — I'm more friendly, more introspective, more willing to actually evaluate a connection. Hunting was pushing away the exact kind of woman who would genuinely like me, and the times I wasn't hunting were still a mess. I'm grateful I finally adjusted this in my own head.
Slow is a feature, not a problem
Now I want to take the time to get to know a woman and to see how I really feel before jumping into a bad situation like I did so many times before. Guys often try to rush the romance and the physical side as fast as they can. I don't want that anymore — it doesn't even feel right. Why would I want to be physical with someone I just met? Part of that is finally taking care of and respecting my own body, something I didn't think about at all 20 years ago.
Going slow also protects me from getting attached to someone I don't actually want to be attached to. It takes time to know a person — being around a woman for a month, seeing how she communicates, how consistent she is, and whether I truly like her as a person. My ex and I are a good example of the cost of rushing: we still like each other and co-parent well, but we were never very compatible. We forced it and manufactured things in common, because I sprinted into romance instead of letting it reveal itself.
Stop chasing the romantic payoff
The biggest shift is this: I'm no longer chasing the romantic payoff. When you chase it, you're just trying to reach the fantasy as fast as possible — love-bombing, saying whatever fires her up. Instead I want to evaluate the friendship and notice how it actually feels to spend time together. That gives the other person room to feel her own feelings instead of being pushed into mine.
What I'm after is long-term attraction and love built over time, not falling headfirst into lust and being head over heels one week and done the next.
Healthy connection doesn't feel like wild sparks
This part is tricky, because we're taught that wild romantic sparks are where the real action is. In my experience, a healthy connection usually doesn't feel like that — at least not at first. The strong relationships I see between men and women, and most of the good people in my own life, didn't start with fireworks. There often wasn't much initial attraction at all; it grew slowly and in a healthy way. That's what I want now: attraction that grows over time. If you want to see more of how I think through this, you can watch my dating videos here.
Getting clear about what I actually want
I've also gotten specific about what I'm looking for: a healthy woman who wants kids and will support my work as a YouTuber by being loving, happy, and enthusiastic about what I do. Sometimes the women I'm drawn to live at a distance, which means building an intentional connection through FaceTime and real conversation rather than seeing each other for an hour or two once a week and expecting something amazing to appear out of nowhere.
The more I look at it, the more I see that community is the natural setting for all of this — being around each other consistently, as friends first, is how healthy attraction actually forms. This new way of dating feels completely different from the old me, and I wanted to write it down so I don't forget it, and in case it helps you too. And if you're telling yourself you're perfectly happy on your own, I'd gently push back on that in you're not happy being single.