The Rejection That Sent Me Looking for Answers
I just experienced a painful rejection where I was really into a woman. I thought we had huge levels of compatibility. I went on and on about her. I literally cried for her on my Jerry Banfield channel in vlogs and called her my queen. I thought I'd met my second wife. That's how into this woman I was, and I just went on and on with that series. In my recent video I documented the full story of it — I thought I was respecting her; she felt rejected.
So here's the next action I've taken. Because to me, if you're experiencing painful failures in dating, it doesn't mean dating is broken. There are so many opportunities in dating. I think there are record numbers of single people today. If you want to date today, the opportunity is incredible — I've never gotten this many dates before. I had my dating game down in my 20s, but I couldn't get nearly as many dates then as I'm getting now. I have so many dates. I have a woman in her early 20s coming over to my house tomorrow that I've already been out with. We're going to spend hours together, and maybe I'm actually going to get a conversion out of this one.
In all that pain, I asked all my friends for advice, and one friend told me: you need to listen to Andrew Tate's PhD course about dating and women — this guy has a lot to teach you.
Why I'm Not Following All of His Advice
Now, I don't agree with everything he says by any means, and some of it does not seem relevant for me. For example, he talks about DMing women on Instagram to try and get dates. I don't use Instagram. Instagram is disgusting to me, and I'm not going to sit there messaging hundreds of women trying to get in their DMs, get some attention, and maybe go on a date with them. I'm just not interested in doing that, and I don't like being on Instagram. I would much rather meet women in person and go from there. I'm even testing running an ad on Google to see if I can get a woman to play tennis with me — I'd much rather do stuff like that. Instagram is gross and it's addictive for me. I wouldn't be able to just use Instagram without trying to build all my followers and getting distracted. So I understand that approach worked well for him; it doesn't work well for me.
However, I've taken some notes based on his course. I've listened to the first two hours of it now, and what's amazing is I had this stuff down in my 20s. That's how I got a beautiful, intelligent woman to fall in love with me, marry me, have kids, and make a beautiful life together — a woman who devoted her life to me, at least until I slipped out of being the man in the relationship. She started to dominate and control the relationship, and at that point it went downhill. So these are some of the notes I took from the first stretch of his PhD dating course.
Men Want Sex, Women Want Attention — the Framework
One of the biggest things I've done wrong relates to Andrew Tate's basic framework: men want sex, women want attention. Now, obviously that is an utter simplification — because I want attention too, and women want sex too. But it helps to have a framework for the game like that. What I have to offer her that she appreciates is my attention, and what she has to offer that I appreciate most is sex. The way to play that, though, is you only want to be interacting and giving her attention when she's giving you positive attention — when things are escalating, when things are good.
Where I went wrong with the queen is that when she canceled what would have been our fifth date, I should have immediately concluded she's not interested. Unless she reaches out, I'm done with her — be very ready to just back off and give her the chance to say, "Oh, I want this guy. Man, I'm sorry I canceled that date on him. Let me try and make it up. Let me make sure he knows I'm still interested."
And to be clear, this could apply to gay or straight relationships, and women could apply this to men. This is just a framework I'm using for myself. I know there are generalizations in it, and I know I'm working from his video, but it's meant to be a framework that works for me.
Where I Went Wrong with the Single Mom
Here's an example of where I've gone wrong. There was a beautiful single mom. I asked her out on a date about eight months ago, and I put this principle perfectly into practice at first: she didn't respond, so I deleted her phone number. I said to myself, I'm not going there again — she's not interested. Then she reached out to me, and I had to ask, "Who is this? I don't have your number." She told me who it was and immediately asked me to go out for coffee.
We went out to coffee, and then I gave her too much attention. Instead of just asking her immediately out on the next date — instead of saying "when are we going out?" and focusing on scheduling — I was exchanging pictures of my kids with her and messaging her about how she was doing. First of all, I shouldn't even have followed up with her. If she wants to see me again, she can follow up with me, because I shouldn't be giving her attention unless something I want is happening. If we had a nice date, she's going to want to see me again. Maybe if I follow up at all, I wait a day or two and say, "When are we going out again?" She did follow up with me first — but then I sent pictures of my kids, and I should not have done that. As soon as I did, she started to lose interest. Then I messaged her again with some generic thing, and she didn't respond for a day. Then I messaged again, when I should have just stopped replying and waited for her — "whatever, she's not interested" — and then whenever she replied, immediately: "When are we going out?" I don't need to talk. I don't need to hear about your day. All I care about is meeting in person. I don't need to mess around on the phone; I want to go out and meet in person.
She did eventually set up a date, and then she canceled last minute. What I should have done is immediately not replied — "whatever, she's not interested, I'm moving on, I don't care." Instead, I sent a reply back one minute later saying, "It's OK, let's reschedule." And she absolutely ghosted me after that.
Magic and Game Are Both Real
Here's what I've come to believe: there is magic in dating. There absolutely is. But there is also game, and there's transactional value. It's both — it's not one or the other. There is magic, beautiful stories, true love, human connection. But there's also transactional game, and it's kind of naive to think it's just one or the other. You can have the best game and no magic there. Or you can have some magic happen — like I had some magic happen with this woman who came into my life — but my transactional game was very weak. The last message she sent me yesterday was essentially, "I'm just not that interested in you. You're more interested in me." Exactly — because of all the stuff Andrew Tate pointed out. Of course she doesn't think she's that interested in me anymore, because of how I acted. And yes, it does feel kind of stupid. Some of these superficial actions I was taking — actions I could easily condition myself to do differently — are what led us to where we're at today.
I also added this note for myself: there's a woman I've seen a few times in a non-dating context, and I should have just sent her a message saying, "Hey, how are you doing?" or something like that first. One mistake I've made is that you usually don't want to ask a woman on a date in a cold interaction. If you haven't talked to her in a few weeks, jumping straight in and asking for a date is not the ideal way to go about it, because the woman generally needs to be in the mood for it. On dating apps, I've jumped straight into asking women to hang out in person — sending a rose on Hinge — and that doesn't work very well, because what they're hearing is that your attention is not valuable. You'll offer a random woman you don't know a chance to spend hours with you, and therefore you must not have many things to do; your time is not that valuable, and you are not that worth hanging out with. Andrew Tate really nails that point.
Keep the First Date Short
What I like about his advice is: keep the first date short — say hi and leave her wanting more. I've done very poorly at that most of the time, having long dates of an hour to two-plus hours. Especially when I didn't even like the girl. I had this matchmaking date where I showed up and knew I didn't like her right away — I should have ended that as soon as possible and gotten out. When you're going out on dates, think about it this way: would you want to watch a movie that went on for three hours immediately? Or if you watched only the first hour of the movie, wouldn't you be really curious about what else happened? The first date should just be there to say hi and see what happens from there.
The Second-Date Rule
In my 20s I had a rule: if we don't kiss by the second date, it's over. She's not that interested. I don't want to play games, and I don't want a woman that's cold, or so ultra-religious that she has all this guilt and shame tied up in it. If we're not ready to kiss, I'm moving on. Andrew Tate offered some related advice: if you're on a second date, she's clearly interested enough to be out there with you. There are obviously exceptions, but generally, the first date is just to say hi and get to know each other — don't put much of anything into it. And then on the second date, well, she definitely wanted to see you again.
Kiss Earlier on the Second Date
If she's out with you on a second date, she's probably very interested. So kiss earlier on the second date, because if you wait until the end of the second date, you've built up all this tension, and then it's likely to diffuse and you kind of miss the opportunity. I made this mistake with the woman I was going out with. We met in person, arranged a date, and had a really nice date. She was definitely ready to kiss me at some point on our second scheduled date — I called it the third date because we had an instant date first — and I didn't go for it at all. In my 20s, I always went for it, and usually they were at least interested. I rarely got rejected on a kiss.
Yet for some reason I'd fallen into this "I'm a nice guy, if a woman wants to take it slow..." mindset. No — I'm not that guy. I want what I want. I want to get laid. Let's stop acting like I'm someone else. Where did I even get this idea that I'm some guy who holds back? I do respect and love women. And I love what Andrew Tate said in his course: don't be one of these guys who acts apologetic about desire. I love women — that's exactly why I want to have sex, because I love having the most intimate possible experience I can have with a woman. I like dudes as friends, but I don't want to have sex with men. I love women so much that I want to be much more intimate with a woman than I am with a guy. I'm nuts for women. I'm excited for the woman coming over to my house tomorrow.
Clear Out the Resentment
He has great advice on this too: if you have any resentments, anger, or frustration toward women, you need to clear that crap out — clear it out and admit how much you love women and how much you want women. Because women generally want to be desired. Now, some women don't, and this is exactly why nothing is absolute. Nothing is right all the time. I disagree with Andrew Tate when he presents things as absolutes. No, they're not. Nothing is ever an absolute; everything is always relative. Maybe in his world that framing is appropriate, but we all live in different worlds. For me, I want a woman who really wants to have sex with me and is very interested in doing that as soon as possible. It's ridiculous that I've been taking any different approach — except that I've now tested the other approach and I know it doesn't work.
Also, after the first date, one thing I fell down on is being smoothly suggestive. Look, if she's still talking to me after a first date, she's definitely considering that she might want to have sex with me, and I might as well say something that at least alludes to that so I'm not stuck in the friend zone. I don't ever want to be in the friend zone with a woman again, unless for some reason I've consciously chosen to just be friends with her — for example, maybe she has a boyfriend.
No Woman Is Truly Single
I also liked Andrew Tate's point that no woman is truly single. And again — he framed it as an absolute, and it's not. There are women who are truly single, but they're not common. Almost every woman has men talking to her who would like to date her and have sex with her. Almost all of them. The woman I just went out with has a bunch of guy friends, and I'm sure plenty of them would like to have sex with her while she keeps them all at a distance in the friend zone. I'm not going to be one of them, and I'm not going to act like I'm going to be friends with her. If a woman doesn't want to have sex with me, then I'm not going to be her friend.
Now, I do have some women as friends — but I can only be friends with a woman if she has a very strong, stable boyfriend, or if for some reason we have work to do together, like if she's going to pay me as a client. Other than that, I don't have time to be interacting with women who don't want to have sex with me, especially because I'm single. I also found I had way too many women friends when I was married, and that was detrimental to my marriage.
Loyalty Over Being a Player
Here's another place I disagree with Andrew Tate: he says you should be a guy who has all these women — your woman is loyal to you, but you have all these women. I don't agree with that. I love being loyal to one woman. I recognize the benefits some people see in being polyamorous, but I love being loyal to one woman. It's simple. I want to get married. I want to have a family. And most of the advice he gives actually applies perfectly to that goal. I don't want my woman having a bunch of guy friends who want to have sex with her, and I shouldn't be having women as friends that I want to have sex with either. I've got a very clear line.
The same goes for my guy friends: I'm only friends with guys I enjoy doing stuff with, or where we help each other. I only have guys as friends who can help me, who are mentors to me, where we're exchanging value, or where we have a long history together. I'm not friends with guys where there's nothing significant going on — friendship, helping each other, making money together, et cetera. I don't just casually collect friends I don't care about.
No One Is Perfect
The last two notes wrap this up. First: no one is perfect. This is a great point, because sometimes in the past I've met a woman and immediately thought, "She's going to be my perfect queen and my wife." No — no woman is perfect. The last woman I dated made it very clear that she really struggles to form a partnership and be a teammate. She's a lone wolf, doing things on her own, and she struggles to cooperate with a man. She's a content creator, and I offered to edit all her videos with AI. No — she'd rather sit at home, struggle editing her own videos, and complain about it than let me help. That's not a good teammate. That's not a woman who — at least without changing significantly on her part — is going to make a good wife, which is probably why she's single. And I need to be a good leader. Being a good leader means respecting that every woman is going to have some downsides and some issues, and the question is: can I be a man who can support her and deal with her issues or not? That needs to be my judgment call.
Never Let a Woman Disturb My Emotion
The final note: never let a woman disturb my emotion, especially before we've had sex. Maybe a little disturbance after sex could be reasonable, but before I've had sex with a woman, why would I invest my heart? I can tell you from experience, doing that is absolutely brutal. It was a good learning opportunity, but my emotions should not be disturbed easily. And even if they are disturbed, I should be crying to my guy friends, my mother, or my kids — not to my woman. I just had everything fall apart with this beautiful woman because she saw me on my Jerry Banfield channel videos crying and everything, and she internalized that as: he's a weak man, he doesn't deserve me, he's not good enough, I could find a better guy, I shouldn't give myself to him, he's not trustworthy — all of that. I'm not going to let a woman disturb my emotion again. If she gets difficult, I'm leaving, and it's no big deal — because I want a woman who cooperates with me, loves me, has sex with me, builds a family and marriage with me, and ultimately we hold hands in bed and pass away together 70 years from now. That's what I'm looking for. I don't want a woman who's difficult and doesn't want to give herself to me. I want her to give herself to me so I can give myself to her, so we can be a team.
What I'm Taking from the Course
I'm very grateful Andrew Tate reminded me of things I already had locked down in my twenties that somehow I'd forgotten while I was married. I'm going to go through the rest of his seven-hour dating course, and I'll listen to all of it. The stuff I disagree with, I think, "Nah, that's ridiculous," but everything else, I can see how it matches my own experience.
I can share the exact course with you if you join the Jerry Banfield Family. If you have questions or comments, join the family and get in there if you want the best experience with me. I don't have time to read comments from people sharing opinions on my videos — but if you're a member, you can hop in, tell me everything, and I will pay attention to you. Simple value proposition.
Thank you to Andrew Tate for reminding me to value my time. I want to learn and practice some of what he does with women, but I do not want all of what he has — including the prison time, the charges, and all of that. I don't think it's ideal to be a player and sleep with as many women as possible. In my view, that's bad and will generally result in an inability to really connect and have a great relationship. That said, if I need to sleep with a few women to find a great wife, then I will do that, and I will waste as little time as possible in between doing anything besides that.
If you want to see my vlogs, watch my Jerry Banfield channel — and if you want to follow everything I'm learning on this journey, check out my Dating playlist.