Loneliness Is at Record Highs
Millions of people have no one to talk to — maybe even billions at this point. Twenty percent of Americans report that they are lonely on a daily basis, and from what I can see, these are record high numbers, given that we're more fragmented and isolated because of technology than ever. My point in writing this is to start figuring out what we can do about that — specifically, what can I do about that? How have I gotten through some of the loneliest and most isolating times in my life, and what hope is there for others?
According to the book Mind Over Medicine, written by Dr. Lissa Rankin, being a part of a community is one of the most supportive things you can possibly do for your mental and physical health. And therefore, the opposite of that — being isolated, being lonely — is, in my understanding, one of the worst things you can do for your entire life. And yet it's hard today. It's hard not to be lonely. Look at me, living in this 1,400 square foot house by myself right now. It can be hard living with other people. I'm sober — I don't want to live with someone who drinks or does drugs or stays up late. A lot of us have become kind of intolerant of others. We do work that's on technology, so we don't even go into an office.
What Has Helped Me
So I've been trying to figure out: what has been helpful for me, and how could I offer that to other people? What's been helpful for me is having someone to talk to. I'm grateful, especially as I got divorced in the last year — which was quite challenging, to say the least — that what really made the difference is I've had so many people in my life to talk to from Alcoholics Anonymous. I've had people who were formerly psychologists who have been able to have very deep conversations with me and essentially given me free therapy. And I've been there for them for a long time — I've shown up for them in their lives as well. I've got a sponsor in AA whom I've called most days to share my life with. He's in his 70s and he's been through a lot, so anything I've experienced, he's been there and done that. Divorce? Been there, done that.
Then I have friends I reach out to. I have family members, like my kids that I see almost every day, and my mother that I spend hours with every week. I have more friends and family I talk to on the phone. Plus, I have all of you that I talk to through my videos. Even with all of that, that's what it takes for me to not be in that 20 percent. A lot of my life — maybe not as much when I was in a relationship with my ex-wife, but a lot of my 20s — was very lonely. And I swear I was just one or two close friends away from having a serious problem, from getting so lonely there was no turning back.
A Weekly One-on-One Call With Me
So I've been thinking: what can I offer to help people who are lonely? What can I offer to help people who want somebody to talk to that they know understands them? The best I could come up with involves my community on Skool, which I call the Jerry Banfield Family. I've decided the best thing I could do would be to offer everyone in the community a chance to have a one-on-one call with me every week. To me, that's kind of my baseline — obviously the people I'm closest with I tend to talk to every day, but the threshold where someone's a meaningful part of my life is: do I get at least 20 or so minutes to have a one-on-one conversation with them every week where I can share what's really going on with me? Everybody in there now gets access to a one-on-one call with me every week. If you want to instantly add someone to your life that you can talk to — especially about all the stuff you see me talking about — I'm here for you.
I can see this will help me make a lot better videos, too. Since I mostly talk in my videos, it'll really help me to talk to more people. One of the best things that helps me feel better when I'm down — and I've been pretty down last night and today related to dating again — is having people I can talk to about it. People that I know understand. People who often mostly just listen, but then when they do talk, it's something that leaves me feeling really seen and heard, and it will often help my perspective. I talked to my sponsor today, and he said, "Well, that's nice you can walk, because I'm in a wheelchair right now." And even in a wheelchair, he says he's still making moves and inviting women over to his place. To me that's inspiring, because I'm really happy I'm not in a wheelchair today. I played tennis for two hours this morning and got beat — just wrecked — because my mood was so bad from dating. I'm afraid of being as lonely as I was before, but I take proactive action to keep connections in my life.
I figure with all the time people spend listening to my videos — maybe not you specifically, but there are probably a thousand people who spend at least an hour a week listening to Jerry Banfield videos across all my six channels — if you spend that much time listening to me, I would be in a great position to listen to you. Now, I don't provide therapy or mental health counseling or any of that. I listen, and I generally share my own experience from my own life on whatever you've talked about. And I make sure there are no identifying details: if you talk to me about something and I mention it in a video, there are no identifying details — it's a generic, "my world perspective" version. I keep what's shared with me private as long as no one's in imminent danger or anything. There's no client privilege or anything with me, since all I do is coach and lead by ear. I'm not going to leave you. And I think that's what a lot of people need.
What Massage Therapists Taught Me About Connection
A lot of people pay for things like therapy. One reason I pay for massages is that I like to have the conversations — and that's the kind of massage therapist I ended up seeing. If I'm going to pay someone for a massage, then one of the big things that can make it better is to also have that be someone I can really talk to. One therapist recently got all frustrated with me and said, "I just can't give you what you want." I said, "You mean you can't have a conversation with me during the massage — really talk to me during the massage?" She said, "That's not what I'm here for. I'm here to do body work." Although we had some real conversations, she couldn't take a deeper conversation — it threw her off. One thing I told her is that the massage therapists I've paid tens of thousands of dollars to have done the body work and had great conversations.
I imagine a lot of the barbers and hairstylists out there — a lot of the people others go to see for beauty and body stuff — a big part of their job is also great conversations. I know a hairstylist, and a huge part of his job was listening to people while he did their hair. Meanwhile, this massage therapist has her own business, and from her schedule she doesn't have a lot of bookings. I guess she has enough to get by, but her business is not thriving from what I can see. The body work's important, but clients are also looking for human connection — conversation, common understanding, having someone to really talk to. Now, not everybody wants that, but your top clients generally will. She seemed to think that was unfair or wrong, and my honest take was that it's a bit naive, because I'm not going to come see someone every week who just does quiet body work. That's not good enough — not when other therapists are offering amazing conversations and just the same quality of body work.
I figure one of the things I offer uniquely is that you already know me. Most of the time, for example, I try to avoid going to a new massage therapist because I don't want to have to start off from zero, not knowing them. If you're reading this, there's a good chance you've watched a number of my videos — so I can be like an extra person in your life to talk to. I think almost everybody — maybe not everybody, but at least 20 percent of people for sure, and probably 30 to 50 percent of people today — could use one extra person in their life to really talk to. According to some of the data, the number of people we really talk to has dropped by one person over the last decade or two.
An Offer Too Good to Pass Up
I want my business to give the absolute most value possible. I've set the price of being able to have a 25-minute call with me every week at what feels to me crazy low, with the plan to raise it as the community grows and my calendar fills up. Part of me thinks I'm devaluing myself too much to offer that. But at this point, I would rather make it like The Godfather — make an offer you can't refuse, an offer that's too good to pass up. When the group grows, I'd be looking at a full week of one-on-one calls, each taking at least half an hour — real, meaningful work that adds up to a solid monthly income. That sounds good to me. As the community gets bigger, we'll have more social proof, and members will also be able to direct message me, post to the community, and watch my courses that aren't included on YouTube.
When I look at the fact that millions, perhaps billions of people have no one to really talk to — or don't have enough people to really talk to — to me, this is something that a lot more of us could offer. I believe this is probably one of the best offers someone who wants to be a full-time content creator can make. You create content, and that reduces the friction to talk to you. The more of my content you've watched — whether that's my newest videos or the stories in my Life playlist — the easier you should find it to open up to me, because you already have a good idea of how I think, how open I am, and what my life looks like. That should make it easier for you to just share the truth of your life with me.
This is an idea I had at like two in the morning, when I woke up wondering what the hell I'm going to do with my life after having a really down night. But often when I have a really down time, I tell myself: okay, we're going to have a breakthrough here, so let's have it. And this is my breakthrough — help the people who need someone to talk to, make it super easy, make it super affordable, and then raise the prices as my calendar gets filled up. The first people who joined the Jerry Banfield Family before this was offered got a fantastic deal, and I invite you today — you have the same chance here. I will need to raise the price eventually because I only have so much time every week, and I'm not going to delegate this out to someone else.
I would love the chance to be one of the people you can really talk to.