Only date average looking women, and you will be so much happier. I saw a video from Coach Kyle Raw today saying never date average looking women, and I'm like — that's ridiculous. Based on my experience: all I cared about in my 20s was getting the most beautiful woman to date me, to marry me, and have kids. And I lived that. I had the hottest girlfriend, then wife, out of any of my friends by far. My dad's like, "That woman should be a model." My dad was blown away. But all I cared about was getting an attractive woman to fall in love with me. I already lived the beauty-first strategy, and what I can tell you is that it doesn't work out in the long term.
Certainly in the short term, I was very happy having this hot girlfriend, showing her off, having all kinds of sex, and feeling like I had won the game of life. But what I didn't do is consider personality constraints and compatibility at all. I didn't think at all about where this was going to go long term. Where it went long term is years of a marriage where my now-ex is saying that we're not compatible. And I was in denial, because I'm like: you're hot, and I have to stay with you, and nothing else matters. Now that we're divorced, I'm like — she's absolutely right. Our relationship had so much friction because all I cared about was beauty. And what you can also see over time is that beauty fades. Now I'm like: I want a woman where I really love her personality, and that is just an average looking woman.
I Lived the Beauty-First Strategy
I had a hookup after my ex, and this woman was average — and I've never been desired like that in my life before. You see, when you go try to find the very most beautiful women and get them to date you, unless you're one of them, you're not going to be able to date them. If you're one of the very most beautiful men also, then yes — my ex and I did have a lot of chemistry. We had sex every day. We had like ten, eleven times in one weekend before, six times in one day. We had tons of sex, and there was a lot of chemistry there. And to some degree, I just did the numbers game that some of these guys are talking about, and I won based on numbers. I found a woman that wanted a guy to worship her.
The Trophy Trap
This is one of the main things I will point to and call the trophy trap. What I had with my ex was a trophy trap, where she wanted a man who would worship her for her beauty. She wanted a man that would treat her like a goddess. And yes, I do believe that's important — but especially in the long term, that creates a bad dynamic where she's in control of the relationship, where she knows she could get rid of you at any time and just have somebody else. That's what happened. My ex got tired of me, divorced me, and just immediately went online and found another guy right away.
Whereas I've been dating now — I got separated in October, it's now July, and I've been dating the whole time. I've gone out with at least 20 different women. What I've found is that these days especially, it's a different environment than when I met my ex 15 years ago. We didn't have Instagram back then. Think about that. Women didn't have this endless validation, these endless options, these guys all over the world they could DM to fly out all over the place. The trophy trap today is awful.
What Being Desired Taught Me
I love having a woman desire me. With the last woman I had sex with, I had never had a woman desire me so much in my entire life. Because of that, she was extremely easy to please and very excited. Unfortunately, I didn't like her personality that much — but it did give me a very big takeaway. I don't need to date some quote nine or ten. I would rather date a five, six, or seven, or an eight that I'm attracted to, where I'm obsessed with their personality.
Because when I look back at the relationship with my ex, all I cared about was her beauty. What I should have been paying attention to was: how is she acting when you tell her about your business and your YouTube ideas? How is she going to act when she wants to stop having kids? How is she going to treat you around her family? I endured a decade of having a wife that did not like or support my work. She tried to, but she hated hearing about what I was most passionate about. And yes, I should have had more friends to talk with perhaps, but I lived with a woman where we didn't have very good personality compatibility — where her family does things one way and mine does things a different way, where hers likes to be very private and just not talk about stuff, whereas mine is the opposite. We struggled for a long time on personality incompatibility, because I was worshiping her, and that's all she wanted.
What Happens When You Stop Worshiping
The problem was: what happens when I stopped worshiping her? Over the last few years, I stopped worshiping her, and then I started getting interested in all these other women — because now my ex is 15 years older than when we got together, but then I'm at yoga and I see a woman a decade younger than her, and now I start to worship her instead. You're not going to get to keep the beauty. Often people's beauty does not stay at a nine or a ten indefinitely. And when your relationship is based on worshiping someone's beauty, and only wanting to be with them because of how pretty they are — what happens when that beauty starts to fade? Your whole relationship is going to start to fade. That's what happened with me. I started worshiping other women. Even though I was physically faithful, my emotions over the last several years started going out the window.
Even earlier than that, I got tired of being the submissive one in the relationship. When you get with a woman that is very, very, very attractive, often you are not going to get to be in even an equal position, let alone the dominant position. The woman's going to tell you what to do. And at least if you're a man like me, I don't like being told what to do. The relationship with my ex started to fall apart when she comes in after having our second child and says: you need to get a vasectomy, I'm done having kids. There was no discussion. There was no "maybe let's think about this." She's giving me orders. And that just destroyed our relationship. Then I started getting crushes on other women after that, and then I stopped being able to be a provider after that as well.
That's what happens when you get stuck where, instead of being an equal — where you both belong together because you're compatible, because you want to hang out together — all you do is prioritize beauty and go for "they've got to be a nine or a ten or I'm wasting my time." That's more about validation for your insecure ego. That's what it was for me. I wanted this beautiful woman to prove my worth as a man. But give it long enough — even though I got the beautiful woman, I ended up on the other side as the ex going, what the hell did I do with the last 15 years? Now I have an ex that can just date anybody she feels like, and I'm here having to start over again.
And I catch myself going through the same stuff in my mind. My first thought with dating was that I needed to get another really attractive woman. And now I'm like: no, I want an average looking woman that's attractive enough for me to be with, where we have the best compatibility in our personalities — where we can just talk to each other, where how my personality works plus her personality equals a super cooperative relationship. Because as Jimmie said in Pulp Fiction: I don't want to get fucking divorced. I didn't want to get divorced once, but we needed to, because even though we both were trying, the relationship was so hard because we didn't have this compatibility, especially when I stopped worshiping her.
I promise you: if you date based on attractiveness being most important, first, that is coming from a place of weakness in yourself — that you need other people to validate you, that you need a woman beside you. That's all about ego. And second, it's generally not going to work out, because at some point you're going to stop worshiping her. As my dad always used to say: boy, look at any attractive woman and just know there's some guy tired of fucking her. That's exactly what will happen. And if that happens when you've based the whole relationship on worshiping, then it really goes downhill. That's what happened to me. After a decade with the same amazingly beautiful woman, I got tired of it. And then I start seeing women five, ten years younger that seem so much more attractive, and I don't worship my wife anymore.
Date Close to Your Level — or Even Down a Little
So the trophy trap: ideally you should always be with someone who is very close to your level of attractiveness, or even date down a little bit. Like with the last woman I had sex with — she was probably a step or two down from me, in my opinion, if you saw both of us. I'm not showing you her, because one, I don't have a picture of her, and two, we've got to keep that private. But if you looked at the two of us, you'd probably think I was maybe a point or two higher. And my God, I would rather be the one who's worshiped in a relationship, let me tell you. I had never experienced that before, and it was awesome. But ideally, I would rather have someone perfectly equal.
And I'm absolutely against looksmaxing. You will not catch me doing any fake shit trying to make my appearance different. I love how I look, and I want a woman who loves how she looks also. And I want a woman who's loyal to me — because the more options you have, the more difficult it can be to be loyal. Even me: I was out here while I was married, looking at all these women and getting attention from them. Even a guy like me has enough other options. You take that up a level or two, and you don't want that.
Rate the Whole Person, Not Just Looks
This emphasis on looks is so shallow and so superficial, because when you're talking about marrying somebody — to me, the point of dating is to build a deep spiritual partnership. If you're just looking to hook up, a lot of these dating coaches will give you very good advice on that. But I've hooked up enough to know that's a waste of time. I don't want to approach all these women just to get some attractive woman to sleep with me — to then what? Validate myself as a man? I'm already extremely proud of who I am as a man, and I don't need a woman beside me to validate my worth to society.
Then when you combine that, beauty often will stop you from looking objectively at other things. When you date an average looking woman, you will much more objectively assess the rest of her. And I hate these rating systems — I'm trying to talk in your language; I don't use them myself, and they're extremely subjective — but I would much rather date an average looking woman who would be a ten out of ten mother, a ten out of ten wife, a ten out of ten best friend, a ten out of ten lover, a ten out of ten business partner, who would listen to and love all my YouTube videos.
Because when you get with an attractive woman and she is not as turned on by you anymore — which can happen very easily — my ex did not want to have sex with me that often by the end of our relationship, and it just felt like a drag for her. That leaves you feeling bad. That's what seems to be happening with a lot of guys: you find these women that are really attractive, and then you're out in public with them and you don't even feel good about it, because you know she's not that interested in you in the bedroom anymore. That's what happened for a lot of the last years of my marriage. I wasn't even that proud to be out with my wife anymore, because then it comes time when we could have sex and she's tired. She'd still do it out of doing her best to support the marriage, but then neither of us feels good. It just feels super transactional.
To me, it's very important as a man to use your logic and your reason and your observations to evaluate and rate all the different characteristics across the board. Never simplify it to rating by looks — and often the way these coaches are talking to you, all you need to do is rate by looks and everything else, whatever, it doesn't matter. No. You should be looking at every aspect, and ideally the highest combined score wins. If you find a six or seven in attractiveness who's an eight or nine in terms of how your conversations are, an eight or nine in terms of what kind of mother she could be — does she want family and kids? Look at what kind of sister and daughter and friend she is. Look at her friends. You'll notice sometimes if a woman just has all attractive friends — that shows you how things are going to fall off. If your attraction falls off, if anything falls off with you, you're out of there, and there's going to be no loyalty. Beauty has such diminishing returns over time.
These Coaches Haven't Lived It
This is why so many of these coaches have never had a long-term relationship. They've never had kids. They don't know what the fuck they're talking about. I do, because I've been where they've been — I had a relationship for 15 years with the beautiful woman they're telling you how great it is to get, and I can say: I've been there, I've done that. It's delusional to go tell guys never to date average women. It's absolutely part of the problem. You should just love people holistically, wholeheartedly. Stop looking at people's appearance and thinking that's all that matters — because if you look at other people that way, then you're going to be seen that way too.
What I love is that women generally care much more about the depth of a man than the superficial stuff. Obviously there are going to be examples where you could show the opposite, but to me, it seems women — at least off of dating apps — are much better at looking for and putting together a whole picture of a man. How attractive is he? What kind of status and money does he have? But also: what kind of personality? How does this guy make me feel? How does he treat other people? Would this guy be a good father? Would this guy be a good husband? Would this guy be loyal over time? That's how men should be thinking too.
I hope I can help at least one person avoid the trophy trap, because the trophy trap also makes life too hard. Many of you have no realistic chance of ever even getting a nine or a ten to date you. It took me a lot of work and a lot of failure and a lot of rejection — and things were easier 15 years ago, when they didn't have all the infinite options. Most of you have no chance of ever having anything real or decent or long term with a woman that's a nine out of ten anyway. These guys talking all this shit to you are just wasting your time and setting you up to feel bad. My dating channel and my dating content are all about setting you up to have a beautiful long-term relationship, to learn from my actual lived experience, and to have a life of connection and joy — which will best happen when you're in a healthy, loyal, stable relationship with someone who's extremely compatible with you.
If you want to talk more about that, I'm available for one-on-one calls. I have much deeper experience than almost any of these other dating coaches on YouTube who are teaching you shallow shit like hooking up and looksmaxing. If you want somebody to help you with a real-life dating plan to get off dating apps — man, you should never be on a dating app — you want real conversation help to have better conversations with women, you want to translate that and get ready for a relationship or see what kind of relationship you're in, you want strategies for dating, standards, and boundaries: I'm there. Schedule a call with me.