Dating Was Never "Not Broken"
Dating is hard because we need to forgive everything we've been through. The idea that dating itself is somehow broken is ridiculous. That implies that in the past, at some point, dating wasn't broken. Please tell me a point in history when dating absolutely made sense and was whole, when it totally worked. I don't remember any personally — not in this life or in past lives. Dating has always been crazy. Back in the day it was arranged marriages, or you literally had nobody else you could date except one person. I remember fifteen years ago, dating was crazy back then too. What we're feeling in dating today is an exaggerated sense of heartbreak.
This is what I've been working on personally. I dated and hooked up a lot in my twenties, and then I met a woman I fell madly in love with. We were together fifteen years, and then we got divorced last year. As I talked about recently, when I got with her, the main thing I cared about was beauty, and that eventually led to a lot of incompatibility. Then I've been trying to date again. It's not that dating itself is broken — that's a disempowering idea that tries to get you to feel like the whole system is a disaster. No. When you're hurt, when things are difficult, when you struggle, then there's a need to forgive.
Crying in Yoga Class
I was in yoga class crying again today. I walked in and put my mat down, and what do you know — one of these women who looked like she was in her early twenties, her and her attractive friend, one of them actually looked at me and smiled. And you know what I did? I gave her a dirty look and a frown, because I'm like, what? I don't even believe it. I don't even want your smile. I don't even want it right now. And then I felt bad afterwards. How hurt am I that when the thing you'd think I want happens — especially as a guy — I react like that?
As I've talked about in recent videos, I'm not initiating anything with women. I'm not asking for phone numbers, not asking women out on dates, not following up after dates — literally demanding that the woman chase me completely. Since women end most relationships, I think they should start most relationships too. I refuse to start or advance any relationship. I refuse to do anything besides reciprocate. Or as my friend said yesterday: you refuse to be vulnerable. Absolutely. I am not putting one bit of vulnerability out towards a woman without her doing it first. I will match her, but I will not step one foot ahead of her in vulnerability.
Because, well, I guess my heart's kind of broken after divorce. And the divorce is one thing, but then dating and trying to meet women, I've just been crushed over and over again. I'm sure there are a few women who would say I hurt their feelings too — maybe we both think we hurt each other. But the answer is not looking around and saying dating's broken. That's ridiculous and disempowering. The answer is to forgive everybody involved in the process.
Forgiving Myself First
I was on the yoga mat crying and just affirming: I forgive myself. One of the most important people to forgive in dating is ourselves, because our own behavior is often what truly bothers us more than other people's. You could at least argue that other people did what they did and you really couldn't do much about it — but in theory, you should be able to do everything about your own situation. So I was thinking and forgiving myself. I forgive you for having crushes on other women while you were married. I forgive you for not divorcing your ex immediately, as soon as she said no more kids and wouldn't even have a discussion — just laid that down as an immediate ultimatum right in your face. I forgive you for not divorcing her when you had a toddler, when you had a newborn. I forgive you for wanting a divorce and then for offering it up. I forgive you.
And then I forgive my ex for not being a teammate, for deciding unilaterally, with no consideration of me at all, what we were going to do about something really important in our future — without any kind of kindness or consideration, with just pure cruelty. I forgive her. And I forgive all these women who have ghosted me, who have gotten excited and then been turned off by my enthusiasm, by my joy, by my intensity. I forgive them.
What you'll find — and what I'm finding — is that the more we forgive, the more you'll see that these narratives about how dating across the whole world is broken are ridiculous. It doesn't matter how dating is working over there. What matters is: are you in a position to have the relationship you want to have? Forgiveness is the key to opening our hearts.
Whose Hurt Is It, Really?
Here's what was painful to face when I went to yoga this morning. There are all these beautiful people in there — maybe a handful of chads, and more beautiful women, and then some women not so beautiful. And then there's me, and I walk in with a closed heart, with a fuck-you attitude toward the girl who's giving me what you'd think I would want. And then I'm thinking: how many of the women I've come across really actually did want to connect with me? How many of the women who gave me that fuck-you look while I'm walking around the park smiling at them — they just look down, they give me some dirty look — how many of them were so hurt that it wasn't really about me at all? They're so hurt that they're projecting their hurt onto me. How many women has that happened with? Could I forgive them for feeling the same way I feel today, and for acting the same way I've been criticizing them for acting?
We need to stop this whole "dating is broken" dating war, gender war. All of this is making it harder to open our hearts and get what we want. It's not that dating is broken. It's that many of our hearts are broken and we're not doing the work to fix them. It's not somebody else's job. It's not my ex's job, even though I'd like it to be. It's not her job to come and own up to all the stuff she did that put us in the situation we're in today, because she seems to be getting along just fine without doing that. I did write a letter to her with all the stuff I did, and then I found more stuff. Maybe that helped her — it certainly helped me. The idea is that we first and foremost need to forgive ourselves.
Maybe It Was for the Best
A lot of us go around with these butthurt attitudes — like me. What, you're so mad that this single mom didn't message you back? That she didn't reply to your last message, your last call, the last video you sent? Why? Maybe that was for the best. Maybe you weren't going to have a great relationship with her. Maybe the best thing she could have done was not go there with you, so you wouldn't be stuck wasting your time with her. Especially since I want more kids — a woman who's almost forty and already has multiple children is probably not going to want any more kids either. So a lot of forgiveness is being able to say thank you. Thank you for helping me learn these lessons. Thank you for helping me be a stronger man.
Because getting divorced and then trying to date has helped me be a stronger man. It's made my work seem super easy. I had it so easy before, being married, getting all this love at home — and even though I'm divorced now, my ex and I mostly had a great relationship. My work felt so hard until I got divorced and started dating. Dating has felt so hard that with my work, it's like: oh, you published a video and it got 50 views? I just don't even hardly feel anything, because the emotions in dating are so much higher, so much attacking my ego, so much revealing my broken little heart — which is not actually broken.
Your Heart Is Not Broken
Look at your heart. It's not broken. For probably 99 percent of you, it's not broken. If you genuinely believe your heart is broken, in my experience it's worth getting real help with that. But your heart is full. It's whole. It's functioning properly. There are just some stuck emotions, stuck feelings, and some tears that need to come out. And all of a sudden you'll see dating's not broken — you just had a closed heart, and then you watched a whole load of videos that tried to tell you, well, it's not you, it's dating.
Yes, I understand there are some messed-up things going on with dating. I don't have my eyes closed — I see all kinds of people. Looksmaxing is just ridiculous to me. Geez, stop looksmaxing. Obviously I believe in eating well and taking care of yourself, but that turns me off. If you're a woman who's looksmaxing, that personally turns me off. It screams to me that you don't appreciate your own beauty. That's what it says to me. And I share my dating videos because I want to put a different point of view out there than what most of the algorithms are pushing. It's not up to me what the algorithm does with my videos. But the best part is that doing my videos helps me.
I did a video before saying I'm never asking a woman out again, and one of the comments was: you're just hurt. True. I am hurt. I'm hurt by thinking I had a relationship that was forever and mostly awesome, and having it suddenly end in divorce. I'm hurt by the treatment I've received from women. For every one woman I've given some cold or dirty look or ignored, there have probably been five or ten who have done the same thing to me. For every woman I've ghosted, or who's going around saying I hurt her feelings, there are probably two who have done that to me. So it feels perfectly equal in a way. This has been a tough process. And I think, based on all the men and women I've talked to, dating is tough because it reveals stuff you could get away with not looking at otherwise — whether you're dating and jumping straight into a relationship, naive and not even looking, or doing what I'm doing: dating and trying to really look at the woman across the table, or next to me. I'm trying to really look at her. So yes, there are a number of women I've said no to. Maybe the ratio is more one to one, because I have gone out with a number of women and never texted or called them after the first date, because I had no interest in seeing them again.
It's Not a Men Problem or a Women Problem
So maybe some of those women are hurt over that — I hadn't considered it. But for some reason I don't think that's hurtful, because they didn't text or call me either. They must not have been that interested in me either, which is fine.
I have a friend — actually, my dating coach — and she's talked about how some days she struggles with having a lot of thoughts that are critical and judgmental about men. That really helps me, because I have the same thing. I have days where my mind is critical and judgmental towards women. But a heart that's forgiven will override that stuff. And here's the thing: if my friend, who I love, who I have a great friendship with — and who I would probably date if she was interested in dating me — is having the same kind of feelings towards men that I'm having towards women, it's clearly not an issue of men or women. I also have many women I love, women I have happy, healthy friendships or acquaintances with. So the problem for a lot of us is that we're not doing our work: forgiving ourselves and forgiving everybody else.
Committed to Releasing the Hurt
I'm committed to releasing the hurt — forgiving all the women, and forgiving all the men, because there are a lot of men out there doing lots of stuff that needs forgiving too. And yes, it's unfair when some woman comes at me projecting all the hurt she's received from other men onto me. I feel that unfairness. I'm like, I didn't do anything to you to deserve the way you're treating me right now. But then again, that woman this morning at yoga class didn't do anything to get that kind of energy from me either.
I intend to be in a position where my heart is open, where I'm in a welcoming connection with others — and that requires forgiveness. Sometimes I have to just affirm it over and over: I forgive. And I like to do it by name. I forgive this woman, and I say her name. I forgive my ex. I forgive my mother. I forgive whoever it is. If all of us did that — even if a decent percentage of us did that — it would be obvious that dating isn't broken.
When Your Heart Is Open, It's Easier to Attract
I think a lot of us, when we do our work of forgiving and opening our hearts, will connect pretty quickly. The more I've done in forgiving and opening my heart — and I'm not using dating apps at all — the more I'm constantly connecting with women and making new connections. I have a date on Friday that my dating coach set up. I literally paid her, and she's setting me up with one of my friends. I'm telling you, when your heart's open, it's so much easier to attract someone to you.
But I got frustrated, and I cried on my mat today, because I felt out of control. I'm like, how the hell am I going to attract a woman that I love, and that loves me, when I'm going around with the attitude I've got right now? What if I'd had a different attitude? I might have had a really positive interaction at yoga class this morning.
Take Ownership and Stop Blaming Dating
So let's take ownership of ourselves. Let's stop blaming dating. Let's stop watching videos where people are saying dating's broken and defining exactly how broken it is. Instead, let's fix ourselves, and let's let others help us fix each other — because giving somebody else a hug, helping somebody else feel good, is a key part of helping ourselves get fixed as well. If you want more of my honest journey through all of this, I share it in my Dating playlist.
You can schedule a one-on-one call with me. It's super easy, super fast — 30 minutes. You can just pop in and have a real conversation with me based on my experience of actually having a very happy relationship for most of fifteen years. I'm not teaching you from a hookup culture. I'm only looking for a wife I can have more kids with, only looking for another happy relationship — I have no interest in anything else. You will love having a call with me.