Women Are Now Paying Men to Be Their Boyfriends
Women are now paying men to be their boyfriends. I wouldn't believe this. I've seen other videos suggesting things that are similar, but I would not have believed it if I hadn't firsthand seen it and talked to a guy who is making $10,000 plus a month being a boyfriend. I thought, oh my God, this is so crazy — I can't wait to make a post about this. Now, to be clear, they are not having intercourse. It is strictly platonic, 100% legal, and they're even paying him to do what he called, in some technical terms, the disinterested, kind of negative, avoidant communication with them. They're literally paying him, intentionally, 10% of the time, to be so realistic that he acts like a real boyfriend being disinterested and avoidant. This is so crazy.
I saw this guy with these women before he explained to me what was happening. I've seen him a few times — I've known him for at least a year, maybe several years. Suddenly I'd seen him at a few events with a few different women, all of whom I thought were attractive. Then he said, "Yeah, my business is blowing up." I asked, "What do you mean, your business? You do coaching, right?" He said, "Women are paying me to be their boyfriend." I said, "Oh my God. One?" He said, "Four." I said, "No — four?" He said, "Yeah, I'm making 10 grand a month. I have four women at the same time paying me to be their boyfriend." I told him, "Dude, you've got to tell me everything. This is so good." I'll have him on if he's open to it at some point.
Why Would Women Do This?
So you might think: why would women do this? Why do I want to talk about this right now so much? Here's what's happening in the bigger dating scene. If you're a safe man, I think you've got a great career ahead of you being a paid boyfriend, because this looks like it's going to actually increase — this is going to become more common. Right now, what is truly valuable is a safe masculine presence. This is happening because we're in a culture and environment right now which has been very anti-man, that has taken a lot of effort over the last 20 years to try and put men down, to empower women as much as possible, often at the expense of men.
I personally have seen this. When I got divorced, I started trying to act like I did when I was in my 20s. The culture 15, 16 years ago was a lot different. I started going around doing the usual stuff — talking to women, approaching women, asking for phone numbers. And I started racking up complaints for stuff that was harmless. I literally gave a woman a compliment on her sweater one day, and she complained to the yoga studio that she didn't feel safe around me. Are you serious? So what's happening is we're living in a culture where, if you're a decent man, you're going to be pretty sensitive to being treated like that, where the logical response is: fine, I'm just not going to talk to women anymore. I'm never giving compliments, that's for sure. I'm not even saying hi.
My last post fully reflects that. It was titled — what was it titled? — I'm Never Asking a Woman Out Again. I know that's a pretty extreme position. The thumbnail says "I want a wife," and then the text says "I'll never ask a woman out again." I consider myself a safe man. I'm not going to do anything without your permission. I'm not dangerous. I love women. I enjoyed most of my 15-year relationship with my ex. I have two kids. I want more kids. I'm a safe, happy, masculine man. And this culture is making it very difficult for women to even get in contact with that kind of man.
The Two Kinds of Men in Today's Polarized Dating World
Right now, there are two basic kinds of men operating, because we're living in an environment that's encouraging polarization. The first type is the man I identify as right now: a safe, loving, warm — sometimes I'm a little cold, but a safe, masculine man. I am here to love a woman, and I want a real relationship with unconditional love, a safe container, respect, joy, a happy household, a partnership, a team, children, family, long-term.
Consistently, when I've gone out with women, they've reflected this back to me. For example, there was one woman who was talking about how great she was with energy and all these amazing things she could do. We did some eye gazing on the beach — this is a woman I went out with in her 50s that I met at a speed dating event. I asked her, "What do you see?" She said, "You are just so kind and so sweet." And that is accurate. I certainly have the potential to be the opposite also — I'm not going to deny that. But on a day-to-day basis, I'm a kind, sweet man. And I'm sensitive to having women complain about my behavior and act like it's unsafe.
I've had women in person that I've had some really bad interactions with, because they got all triggered and started talking boundaries and all this stuff, when I was literally just asking them normal, boring questions — like, what are you passionate about? Just boring, regular questions you would ask someone you had any interest in. One woman I'm thinking of in particular: I asked her what she was passionate about, and she got all triggered. She said, "I don't know you that well." I thought, all right, I've seen you three times now. We have some things in common. You are very interested, clearly, in talking to me, but yet you're acting offended because I asked you what you're passionate about. I just left that conversation dumbfounded. This makes me never want to talk to a woman again. It's so ridiculous that I leave a regular, what should have been a boring conversation, feeling like somehow I'm a monster because I was interested in this woman, asked regular questions, and she somehow took it as nuts. My friend knows her, and he validated that experience.
That's one spectrum of things. Right now, if you're a loving, kind, decent man, this current system is absolutely punishing you. Now, these things are not meant to put anybody down — let me be clear. It's the system we're in, the environment, all the things we're getting signaled through algorithms. I think most men and most women want love. A lot of women who want a safe man are struggling to find one, because there's this polarization where some men these days, like me, have gotten very safe, very respectful — but I'm not initiating anything. As I said in my last post, I'm not asking for your phone number. I'm not starting the conversation with you. It's basically where the safe men have turned into what women used to be. Safe men are just going around being passive now, because I don't want to get punished for opening my mouth and then having it interpreted in the most insane possible way you can imagine.
The Other World: Dangerous Men and Hookup Culture
Obviously, that's just one kind of world people are operating in. Another world people are operating in is the dangerous man — all kinds of attention, trauma bonding. That's what I used to do in my 20s, but I've gotten sober and I've changed my personality. I've gotten rid of most of all that toxic stuff. I'm a modern, healthy man, and I can't stand being in the hookup culture, where people are having sex on the first date off a dating app with somebody they don't know, and then trying to have a relationship from there. In that culture, the men are being very forward and immediately bringing up sex, trying to do everything they can. And there are all these YouTube channels that teach you the exact things to do that turn on the kind of women who are interested in that. I just find it disgusting. I can't stand to participate in that. I don't want to be a part of it. It's just gross and it feels bad.
I talked to a guy who was in that world. He is dating one woman right now who is like 30 years younger than him, and he has several other women he's trying to see or having dates with. He signals his wealth — he puts a picture of his car and a boat he was on in his dating apps. He spends a bunch of money to get his profile out to every woman in the area that's on the app — we're talking hundreds and hundreds of dollars a month. He boosts his profile every single day. This is a guy who is triggering all these kinds of reactions that I'm experiencing when I'm not doing anything to deserve them. But this is a guy going around acting like that, and he's mostly going around with women who aren't concerned with safety. They are very much looking for adventure, looking for danger, looking to try and get a piece of his money.
So that's the world we have going on right now, where there's that world of instant hookups and signaling. That's the world some of these dating coaches are talking about, where all you need to do is be attractive — just be a Chad, be looks-maxed, be super attractive, and you'll succeed in that world. There's some validity to that. But there's this other world where people are being nice and respectful and loving and caring, but often the men are being so passive that the women — women I'm proud of, to be sure, women who have no desire to be around one of these toxic men who's going to immediately try to get them in bed, who follows all these dating coaches who tell men "say this, act that way, have this line memorized," like the pickup artists — I can't stand that stuff. And the women who can't stand that stuff either are in a rough position, because if they don't like that, then they have passive men like me who will not approach anymore.
I'm not approaching you. I'm not asking you questions about yourself. I'm making absolutely no effort, because all that's happened is I've gotten punished over and over for my effort, and not once has it gotten rewarded. Not once. Being a nice, kind, loving man, I've not gotten laid all year. Asking questions, asking women for their phone numbers when they appeared very interested in me, and then trying to ask them out on dates — I've been out with like 20 different women. But being a nice man who is not just trying to kiss a woman on the first date and immediately get in bed with her has not gotten me laid once. It's gotten me told that there are no romantic sparks here. It's gotten me ghosted. And then some of the women who were interested in me — I'm like, you are way too unsafe and dysfunctional.
The Huge Gap in Today's Dating Market
There's this huge gap right now that exists, where there are men going around predatorily hunting for women, trying to just increase their body count, and then there are a bunch of men who are like: no, I'm not participating in this. I love and respect myself, and I'm not going to put myself in a position to be hurt, to be humiliated, to be treated like I'm one of these predator hunter guys. I'm not going to put myself in a position to be treated like that when I'm not acting like that.
What's happened is there are a bunch of women right now who are desperate for a boyfriend but cannot find one, because a lot of women don't realize that today, if you're a woman who wants a safe man, you need to do the approaching — because I can't approach you. As soon as I try to approach you, you start getting danger signals. Most of the time, what I'm seeing is that anytime I even make an approach today, even if it's a girl who's nice and might appreciate a safe man, something is setting her off with danger signals. This is why so many men have stopped approaching at all today.
I go to yoga, and I'm not talking with anybody. I had a woman at yoga today — I thought she was very pretty. She walked by me, smiled real quick, looked at me, and then looked down. That's generally body language that would indicate there's a potential attraction there. I'm not starting a conversation with her. I'm not getting another complaint at another yoga studio because I gave a woman a compliment on her sweater. And the woman whose sweater I complimented had known me for years — that complaint was from somebody who knew me for years. Do I sound a little hurt and bitter? Yes. This is a messed up culture we're in, where women struggle to locate a safe man who's respectful, who will consider their boundaries.
The Woman Who Chased Down a Safe Man
Some women have figured out you've got to take things on the offensive today. As I said in my last post, I personally know a woman who literally ran after a guy to give him her phone number. This is a woman who's so attractive that all the hunting men were trying to pick her up all the time. She was absolutely uninterested and avoidant and kept all of them away. Then she found a man who was safe, chased him down, and gave him her phone number. From what I know of both of them, she did basically everything to progress the relationship. He personally told me that he had given up completely on dating because, like me, he was a nice guy. He has kids — a single dad — and he just wanted to date and have a decent relationship with a woman, no drama, just something nice. He said all he'd get was distractions or drama — nothing, just a waste of his time. So he had literally given up on dating for years. And this woman was able to spot him and think, oh my God, there's a safe man — and she sprints after him and gives him her phone number. And this was years ago, too.
There are still a lot of women, though, who haven't figured this out: that you've got to go after the men you want these days. And it's tough, because this is totally the opposite of how I was raised. The culture I grew up in was: you had to go get those women, pick those women up, play the numbers game, try to get as many phone numbers as you can, take them all out on dates. It's so crazy now — all I need to do now is literally nothing. And matchmaking services are becoming popular today, too.
What These Women Are Actually Paying For
So with all this set up in the culture now, you can see how this actually makes a lot of sense. As I said before, this guy is not getting paid to have sex. He is getting paid to act and be there as a real boyfriend who goes out to real events with them, who is there, with platonic touching — like hugging and snuggling. I did not know what this guy had going on. As far as I saw, I thought he was a real boyfriend — I know he's polyamorous, so I thought, where is this dude getting all these women from? And these are women who look to me like they're in their 30s, 40s, and 50s.
As a woman, often, especially in your 20s, if you're attractive, you're going to get barraged with all those unsafe men constantly trying everything to get your attention. But often what happens as the decades go by is that even the unsafe men start to disappear, as they're focused mostly on women in their 20s and then 30s. A woman gets to be successful in her 30s, 40s, and 50s, and she's not getting approached constantly by all the unsafe hunters. Sure, some of the men operating that way may be safe — I'm unfortunately making generalizations to make something make sense, because if I went apart into every single nuance, this would get unbelievably complicated. I do see there's a much bigger picture; these are just general trends.
A lot of the women who seem to me like they'd be great women to be with — who are looking for a guy who's healthy, who doesn't have a bunch of drama — they don't have any men. They haven't realized they need to be proactive. Most of the safe men they run into are in relationships already and out with another woman. They don't want to use dating apps either, because most of the time you're not getting quality people on dating apps. Most of the time, people on dating apps — and that's why there are so few women and so many men — are in this mindset of toxic trauma bonding, that whole drama thing.
So this has created a space where there are a bunch of women who really want a boyfriend and have money, and if they find a safe masculine man, he's not available to be a real boyfriend. But this guy is actually charging women to be a paid boyfriend. And what they're paying for is the safe masculine presence. They're paying to have somebody to go out to an event with so they don't have to go alone. They're paying for somebody to call them and text them and act like a boyfriend. And the best part is they can still look for a real boyfriend. They can get used to and feel familiar with having a boyfriend and not feel that lack.
I think this is great for women who are trying to find a safe man and struggling. I think this is a great step: once you've got this paid boyfriend, you can say, look, I'm going to make the extra effort and try to find a man. I know what a man like this feels like now. I can better identify when I see one in person who fits this, and I'm going to be proactive — I'm going to approach him, I will start the conversation, I will give him my phone number, I will ask him out on a date, and I will progress things physically when I'm ready to. Because to me, that's the environment I'm in. I'm not doing anything, because every single thing I do is liable to be interpreted as unsafe — as harmless as asking "What are you passionate about?" or as harmless as saying "That's a nice sweater." It wasn't even a great sweater compliment. I said something like, "That sweater fits the season well." It was a boring compliment — a lot of women would just think, wow, he didn't really try on that one.
A Career Path for Burned-Out Safe Men — and Why We Get Picky
So, women paying men for boyfriends: I think a lot of men who have struggled with dating, who are burned out on dating — I think you've got a great career ahead of you. Because when you really know how to be a safe man, you're going to be able to put yourself in positions to be around women who could be an ideal girlfriend, but also could be a woman you might not want to date.
One of the problems, too, is that a lot of men like me who are safe are not willing to put up with a bunch of drama. That means I meet a lot of women, but there are not a lot of women I end up being interested in dating. I meet women who are looking for safe men, and I end up rejecting them a decent percentage of the time, because I'm like: no. I'm a safe, nice guy. I'm not dealing with this. I'm not dealing with your drug problem. I'm not dealing with the inconsistency of your hot and your cold. I don't want to deal with that — it disrupts my nervous system too much. Some of us guys who are really safe and comfortable just being by ourselves are getting a little too picky sometimes. I've noticed I think I need to be a little less picky, because I have zero options that I'm aware of right now — although I do have six matches I paid for on matchmaking.
And I'm going to have this conversation with them up front, right away: listen, I'm a safe man, and therefore, to make sure we honor that, I expect you to take the lead in advancing every part of our relationship. That starts with texting me first — always texting me first. If you want to hear from me, you text me. Don't expect to hear from me. You must pursue me and chase me completely, because I want to honor where we're at today, and that seems to be where it is.
Why Women Need to Get More Active in Approaching Men
I hope this helps women get more active in approaching men. If you want a man — some women are hesitant to be more forward with a man, because yes, if you do that with a guy who's kind of toxic and ready to sleep with you right away, that forwardness can be used against you. So you ideally want to get to know a man and see what kind of man this is. If you see this is a man who's safe, who's loving, who's kind — if you get that kind of energy — then you do need to be forward and say, look, here's my phone number, I want to go out with you.
If a woman's not that forward with me, it's not happening, because I'm going to assume she has zero interest unless she demonstrates it — because it's not safe for me to demonstrate any interest. Not only from a safety point of view: I risk complaints, I risk being talked about badly behind my back — I've experienced these things firsthand. Not just that, but I've noticed it kills a woman's interest these days. For some reason, the women who want a safe man don't want the man to act at all like one of these hunter guys. This actually makes me hopeful, though, because I think the more women are willing to pay for a man to be their boyfriend, the more women will start realizing: hey, we need to be active — women will actively be hunting safe men more.
Someone Has to Move: Why Women Should Initiate Now
Right now, there are not enough women out there looking, and too many men have kind of withdrawn or just gone into "I'm just going to be me and not worry about dating" — which I was a bit critical of before, but surprisingly, I've turned around on a lot now. There are not enough women out there looking for men like me at this point, because the women who want a guy like me are thinking that I'm going to come to them, and I'm just not. I'm not going to come to you.
And I don't think anyone should become bitter in this scenario. This is a hard scenario for all of us. This is a scenario where we're all doing our best — or, as I did in one video on my channel, everyone's doing our worst. This is just modern dating being so broken with dating apps, so dysfunctional, with a culture of extreme danger being promoted on one end. The dating app hookup is just so dangerous for everybody involved. It's insane to meet somebody you met online and immediately have sex with them. I've done that in my 20s — I know how that is, and I wouldn't do it again. And yet, then we have the other extreme of people so burnt out and frustrated and hurt by this whole system, wanting something better. We really haven't created that full product yet. We've got the dating apps for all the people who just want instant hookups and attention, but we don't really have the other side yet — a place where a woman can go where men will not hit on them. Then the women need to realize: okay, well, you're going to have to hit on the men. You are going to have to be very forward, and otherwise nothing's going to happen. Someone has to move. Someone has to initiate and lead.
I figure, when you've got the majority of divorces being initiated by women, it makes sense that the majority of relationships should be started by women also. If you're going to take the lead in getting divorced, you should take the lead in giving me your number and everything up until the divorce also. That just makes sense.
Boundaries, Ethics, and Why This Makes Me Hopeful
For getting paid, this certainly makes boundaries complicated, because what happens when a woman is paying for a boyfriend experience but she wants the whole boyfriend experience? What's interesting is that sometimes these paid boyfriend relationships, in theory, could convert into an actual boyfriend. There are a lot of ethical dilemmas and problems there, though — especially on the other end of the spectrum, where you've got men out there paying to have sex. From what I've heard, and in my experience in my 20s, you don't usually end up getting a girlfriend out of that. You don't generally get a relationship out of that situation. That's a thing that's illegal, first off, and second off, it leaves everybody feeling bad. My thought with dating is that you want to leave everybody feeling good.
I'm grateful that right now, safe men are getting paid — turning their love of women, knowledge of women, and masculinity, instead of turning it toward the dark side, you would argue, with pickup artistry — getting to know women so well that you're just picking them up, which is yucky — turning it the other way and saying: look, I know women so well, I'm going to help meet all your emotional needs and fill the space a man could take up in your life. This actually makes me excited about the future. This is so interesting. I wonder what kinds of things are going to happen to help facilitate more women being proactive and looking for men.
It's crazy when you want to prioritize utter safety, but then you also want to be passive and sit back and have men come to you and have options. Those two kind of don't go together. Either you've got to say nobody approach me, and I'm going to go choose who I want. And today it seems like, if you want to be a decent guy, you've got to wait for a woman to choose you and put yourself in a position for that. But how nice is it to think that you could get paid to be there and support? This is such a cool idea. I hope you enjoyed hearing about this. To me, I hope this takes our broken dating culture and gives it some concrete hope — not just "oh, everything's so broken, men are just giving up." I'm not giving up. I'm giving up on hunting. I'm giving up on trying. But I'm showing up more than ever. I'm paying for dating coaching. I'm paying for matchmaking. I'm paying to be a part of communities where I'm just naturally around women. I'm talking to the women I'm around, making it clear: look, if you want to be with me, you've got to do everything. I'm not going to initiate. I'm communicating clearly, so the women who know me know that if they want to be with me, they have to signal it — they shouldn't wait for me to do that. This is a lot of fun.
Work With Me on a Real-Life Dating Plan
If you enjoyed this, for the best experience, you can have time with me as a safe man over Zoom, and I'll talk with you about a real-life dating plan. If you're a man and you vibe with what I'm saying, I can talk with you. I've been down this road — the transformation from being on dating apps and trying to hunt women, but feeling like it's just awful, like this isn't me anymore, and I don't want to even do this, but I don't know what else to do. I've got a nice real-life dating plan set up that involves me essentially being like what women used to be, where I'm just around, I'm getting attention from women, and I'm in a position where a woman may take the lead with me at some point.
If you want help with conversations and navigating what you're already doing, I've been in a relationship for 15 years. I've got a lot of experience having a healthy, happy, supportive relationship — and transitioning out of that in a way that was as nice as it could possibly be for everybody. I can also help you with your relationship readiness.
You Don't Have to Be a Chad
The great news is that you can get paid to be, essentially, a boyfriend. You don't have to be a Chad. I've seen so many men recently where the woman they're with is a lot more attractive than they are. It goes directly against what a lot of these dating coaches are saying — like Casey Zander out here telling people, oh, you've got to just be a Chad. No, you don't. Just yesterday I saw an absolutely beautiful woman with a very regular-looking guy, shorter than her, and I thought: this must just be a nice guy. This must be a safe man, and that's why she's with him — she picked him out. Lots of times, when women feel safe, the attraction doesn't matter. The physical characteristics that get prioritized in the hunting environment don't matter in a safe environment.
That's where relationship readiness comes in — there are things you can do to be very attractive. For me, I eat whole-food plant-based and I'm lean. At the same time, I don't have huge shoulders from working out; I just have a very healthy, regular body type. In my experience, the diet and the weight are among the biggest things you can do to prepare successfully to be in a relationship. That's something I've got a lot of experience with and can help you with.
My First Date Strategy as a Safe Man
Then there's first date strategy — especially if you classify yourself as a safe man, which sounds better than a nice guy. It's up to you to communicate the container, too, even though the woman is leading and advancing the relationship. I think it's more important than ever today for men — especially if you consider yourself the kind of guy who's not out there hunting and being dangerous — for it to be up to us to say: look, it's up to you, my dear woman, to advance this relationship. Yes, this makes you vulnerable, in that I may reject you at some point. But just know I'm not going to advance it — not because of anything about you. It's just my policy to let a woman totally create the relationship with me on her terms, when she is ready.
And that is how I operate. That means I don't text first, ever. I don't call first. I don't ask out on dates. I don't advance things physically. That's all up to you. That, to me, is my first date strategy at this point: communicate very clearly, so the woman's not expecting a "had a nice time with you" text the next day — I'm not sending that. The woman's not expecting me to ask her out on a date after we met up through matchmaking — I'm not doing that. If she wants a date, she'll ask me for a date, and then I'll set it up. I'll do everything else, but she's got to ask for it.
If you're also struggling with things like standards and boundaries, I can help a lot with that too — even the language around it. I've struggled with having a bit too-high standards and then having no boundaries. Those can go together: my standards expect this woman who's just perfect, but then if you trick me and get past that and I didn't notice it, then I just have no boundaries, and I'm pretty hopeless or it's too reactive.
We're All in This Together
I really appreciate your time here. Thanks for being here. I hope everything I've said was respectful in terms of men and women. We're all in this together. I understand feeling upset. I understand all the gender war stuff, but I don't agree with it at all. I think we should all love each other and help each other as much as we possibly can. It's easy to start looking around and saying, "well, they, they" — when really it's "we." We're in this together, and this is hard for all of us. Let's do what we can to make it better for each other. And that starts with having conversations and being open-minded to seeing new possibilities — like women paying men to be their boyfriends. Who would have ever thought? If you want more of these conversations, you'll find plenty in my Dating playlist.