All right, here we go, my friends — Goldeneye 007 on Nintendo 64 with my friend Joe. I asked him if he was ready and he said, "I'm ready." Thanks for being here, Joe — and he thanked me for having him. Joe has played Madden with me before. Joe whooped my ass at some Madden, so I figured, let's do some Goldeneye today and see what will happen here.
Slappers Only to Start
We started with slappers. Slap that ass — come on — there we go, I got a nice slap in on Mr. Bond here. Can I get a teabag in as well? Oh, his body disappeared before I could teabag him. Come here. Whoa. I was using my strafe buttons, and it turned into a real circle jerk right away, both of us spinning around trying to find each other. I've got to find out where you're at here. How have I not slapped you yet? I just went straight in. Damn it. Joe said he was going to crouch, then realized he couldn't stay crouched. How have we not hit each other? Shit. I felt like he was going to hit me in the back, and Joe admitted he was trying to. I needed to look down — there we go. My guy is so damn tall that Joe's character was basically swinging over my head. I went straight in and he got me. Nice. Good slap.
I asked who has lost friendships over this game. My brother and I — my brother stopped playing games with me because I beat him so much. He wouldn't play with me anymore. Joe said he used to play this game all the time with his cousin, and his cousin is definitely very competitive. Oh, yeah. I see you. Oh, we slapped each other? It was a double. That's funny. I'm going in. I'm going to duck my head down because he's shorter. Oh, yeah. Here it is — here it is right here. Shit, how did I miss? Actually, I need to ask better questions: how do I hit him in the face? Joe suggested maybe I've got to run behind him. Come on. I think we're going in circles. I'm going to slap the shit out of you. Damn it. Good shit. I was really surprised he got that one — really surprised. That was a good one. Good — make me work for it. I like to work for it. I even like getting my ass kicked. Joe whooped my ass in Madden 22. I didn't think we tied, did we? He won two games.
The Double Slap and a Criminal Justice Love Story
That double slap kill — I know, right? It'd be funny. It reminded me of this story I heard when I was in criminal justice. Hold on — I'll tell it after we slap each other. Yes! Got his ass. Crashed down and slapped him right in the dick. So, I was in criminal justice school and they told us about this one couple. The man pushes the woman out in front of a bus — like, bitch, I'm done with you. He pushes her out in front of the bus, and she's like, fuck you — if I'm going, you're going with me. She grabs him, and they both get run over by the bus together. And die. I'm like, God, that's romantic. Nice love story. Joe agreed — that's beautiful. That's what I thought of when we did the double slap.
I crouched down so he couldn't hit me as easy. And it's nine to nine — now it's nine to nine, and this is the first game. He needed one, I needed one. God, I'm going to come in and finish it off. Oh shit — he got a pistol. Fuck. All right, that was good. Well done. Joe said he was cold blooded. That's what that guy did instead of pushing her out — better love story than Twilight. I love that. At least if you're going to be crazy for each other, just let it be till death do you part.
Time to Get a Gun
I guess I've got to get a gun. Joe told me, yeah, you're going to want a gun. Oh shit — you got a good gun. That's a good gun. Holy shit, my aim right now. Fuck. He was low on ammo — Joe pointed out you've got to watch that screen, you see that zero over there. Time to kill. Shit, he got ammo. Do I need manual aim? My shit is not hitting. Oh my God. All right, wait until he reloads. Push. Come on, big boy — that's what she said. And honestly, I want to help Joe out. I want Joe to perform his best. You ever hear Arnold Schwarzenegger talking about sabotaging his competition at the bodybuilding contests? He's like, no, I want my competition to play their best, so when I win it's fully satisfying — like, that was your best and I beat you.
Well, there you go — he got the Deutsche. That's the best gun, and he's got manual aiming. Nice. Damn, I missed three rockets on his ass — woo, the fourth one barely got him. Shit, I've got no gun now. What? I am gunless. All right, now I've got the same thing he's got. Come on, I need some grenades. Oh, there's a rocket launcher right there, but I missed most of my shots. Oh shit, there he goes — he's getting warmed up here. We both had to reload. Oh, it's going to be close. Come on, auto aim — thank you. I'm pretty sure this game was the cause of multiple broken controllers. I still have all four of my original Nintendo 64 controllers, but I broke some PlayStation controllers on Madden. Holy shit — I pre-fired him. That was dirty. I just pre-fired while he was coming around the corner.
Where the hell is the body armor? I'm on one shot right now — I need the body armor. Oh shit, Joe's got another rocket launcher. Damn, he's right next to me. I'm not in a good position for a fight right now. Oh shit — he got me with the rocket. There you go, first rocket kill. That just reminded me of this kid in school we used to call Nick the Dick. Kids are so mean, man. I think adults generally are much nicer than kids are. Come on, give me one hit with this rocket launcher. There we go — that was on the money. Good shot. Oh, that got in there. Did I come close to getting you or no? Was I close to hitting you? Joe said nah — I missed.
NBA Jam and Pickup Basketball with Joe
Joe asked if I thought I'd have better luck in NBA Jam. Me? I don't know. Now, NBA Jam I've played probably three hours against the computer, and I played another hour or two against James. I think I'd beat Joe. He said, you think so? He is good at basketball, though. The only way I could get picked playing pickup basketball is if Joe was one of the damn captains — nobody would even pick me otherwise. I'm like, Joe, if you get to be captain, you'll pick me, right? Otherwise I'm going to have to sit this one out again.
Oh, shit — just throwing these all over. Ah, shit. Did I get you? Yep. Oh, I got myself. And Joe got himself too. I've found that if I don't eat for a few hours beforehand, I'm more wild — I get wild on stream with crazy amounts of sweat. Oh, shit — he almost meleed me. Took me by surprise. I'm going to come right at you too. So there's a mine down the hallway at him. Shit — oh, he's closing the door back here. Shit, I'm missing my mines. Damn, my mines are going all over the place. Blow that shit. None of my mines are blowing up. Fuck, there's one right in my face. Damn, I missed all my mines. I'm ass.
Oh, shit — he's on the edge. Oh, we killed ourselves. Yes! Wait — did I kill myself? Joe said he shot me in the head. I thought that was the last kill. If I killed myself, it takes a kill away. I did. Damn it — I killed myself, so it took a kill away. Well, he got an AR and pushed me with a pistol, and then it just ended. Oh, it just ended — I guess I set it to end on 10 minutes instead of 10 kills. Damn. So much fire. I love the mines.
The Facility and the Cougar Magnum
My brother said one of the greatest gaming achievements of his life was beating the Facility level on the hardest difficulty, under the time limit — you've got to beat that single-player level in like two minutes. Oh shit — I was right next to him and I missed with my gun too. What's the difference between a Magnum and a Cougar Magnum? Whatever it is, it still fucks. Oh — there's a hidden wall. Nice. And Joe killed me — good job, right into it. Thanks for showing me that hidden wall. Hey, where the hell is that at? Where's the gun? Oh, all right — I have a Cougar Magnum as well. Yeah, the Cougar Magnum did not get it done against the younger Doskoi — whatever the hell it is, it's the young stud. Looked like a fresh gun on the factory there. You know the Cougar Magnum couldn't keep up.
Throwing Knives, Axe Throwing, and Why I'm Glad I Don't Drink
I think we found Joe's mode here — the one-hit-kill throwing knives. This is like how people are doing axe throwing now, except — I mean, imagine if you did your axe throwing and threw it at each other. It'd be more fun, wouldn't it? Until somebody got hit with it. Joe figured maybe it would be, and then it would be — good, dude! What kind of day you're having. I know I got you there. You have to take the time to throw it. I don't know whatever I'm doing. Ah — he got me. Finally got a hit. I threw all over the place. I play with knives all over the place — knives everywhere. I'm glad I don't drink anymore, because if I went to a bar that had axe throwing, that would not be a good situation — there would be an axe chucked some random place. Joe said sure, it's happened before.
Oh, one actually hit. Ah — he's going for the slap. Here comes slappy. Yeah — ah, you hit me right in my dog with the height difference. Come here. I like the time to kill in this game — like 30 seconds. The time to kill in Warzone is like half a second. In this game you get to really think about what you're going to do for the rest of the day while you're killing somebody — what am I going to have for lunch? I used to like to watch all those movies, but how many times can you watch a movie of somebody getting kidnapped before it gets boring? You almost hope they just shoot them and kill them — just make it a five-minute movie. Yeah, like five minutes: oh, his daughter's kidnapped and they killed her — all right, I'll go watch something else now. The Western movies, they make it so boring — it's like, you know how this is going to go. I like the foreign films. They don't give a damn — they'll throw a curveball.
He's up nine to eight — here it is now, the big finale. I've got you right in the head. Yeah — damn, my manual aim's not working any better than my auto aim. I crouched down. Good game, Joe. Good game. Come on, get him — that went right by your face. Joe said I guess you could say that about all of mine, and honestly, you should probably say that every time. Oh, you little — let me get these knives back. Aim at him — it's too slow. Thank you. It took forever to throw. A nine kill — holy shit, how did that miss you?
The Knife Rematch
Right — ah, there we go. As long as Joe stands still for two seconds, I can get a kill. Oh, he just ran by. Ah — yes, I'm baiting him into standing still. I think I need to move a little bit. I think I need to move a little more. Okay, I died five times — how many times did you die? Joe had died five too. Tied up now. I told him I was taking it to the next level, and Joe shot back, "I think you're saying 'next,' buddy." You can lean? No — I stood still for five minutes. I stood still. Holy shit, he didn't move. All right, how about one more rematch on that? Joe said okay, sure. That's your ass in the eyes. Yeah, we've got to do that — I've got to be able to win the knife match.
Nerf Knives, Personal Training, and the POW Workout Camp
It'd be kind of fun to do in real life — if you didn't get seriously injured doing it. That would make it more interesting. What if we got like Nerf ones? Nerf knives? I used to do personal training, and I thought sometimes — the guy's like, yeah, work it, see how hard you can go, don't quit. And I'm like, see — if there's no consequence, I really can't see how hard I can go. I like the idea of using markers to see if they're pretending, and every time you get marked on, then you get a penalty. What I'm thinking would be fun is to have like a pre-POW-camp kind of experience. Like, okay! First one of you that stops doing push-ups gets shot. You're like, oh, I hope that guy next to me drops before I do. Then you really see how much you could do. The person next to you gets shot, and it's like, all right, time for sit-ups. Shit. Right? Then you can really see how hard you could truly work out. You're doing push-ups for hours, just trying to keep moving.
It's funny sometimes — you think, think... Ah! What?! I'm just bullshitting, and he hits me in the ass with a knife. I killed ya. All right, I've got to stop talking and focus on the game. I'm focusing — this is me focusing. Damn, Joe's just doing good at throwing knives. Oh, he's right next to me. Shit! Ah — double kill. Took you with me. There we go. It's okay. Whole screen's red now. What's the score? You got 3-0... 6... 3-5. Good. Nah, I'm not good — I was doing better than that. Shit! Joe's getting even better at this. He likes the knives. Oh my god. Maybe I'll take the knives and give him, like, grenade launchers. Here we go. Oh, don't — oh, move, move. Fuck, I'm against the wall. Oh! Nice! Nice throw. Oh, man. 5-9. All right — five more throws like that and it's GG. I just randomly chuck knives all over and trust the auto aim. I'm standing there and he's killing me. Make him work for it — he can't be standing still. He's standing in a damn hallway. I'm not going to move until the auto aim... Ah! Yes! You will move. I think it's 9-6. 9-6 now. 6-9 — hi. Hello.
Star 69 and Good Game
Jerry Seinfeld did a routine about star 69. He's like, seriously? Is this the only phone number we could have picked, back when you could use that to private your number or something? He's like, seriously — star 69? Joe had forgotten all about that. I'm so old. Fuck! Good game, Joe. Good game. That wiped me out, man. All right, you had enough, Joe? He had. That was fun — we played for an hour and a half.
Slappers, rockets, mines, and a knife rematch that came down to the wire — Goldeneye 007 on the Nintendo 64 still delivers, especially 1v1 against a friend like Joe. If you enjoyed this one, you can watch more matches and playthroughs like it in my Games playlist.