Your single life sucks, but you're just used to it and comfortable there. I'm making this because I am here to help wake you up to my experience that relationships — a life lived in a happy relationship — is the best level you're going to get to. A lot of us know this as teenagers, when we first start having all our hormones and we start trying to date. But a lot of us lose this vision and we give up. I see so many people I know — men, women, old, young — and I can tell you, in my experience, people in relationships are the happiest. People in relationships have life the easiest. People in relationships have a backup plan, a partner, less financial stress, so much more sex and joy. In almost every metric I've seen, people in relationships are better off. Especially — especially — when you remove people in toxic relationships.
So I have an analogy for you that will make this obvious. And if this is tough for you to even hear, good. I'm challenging you to question what you're doing. And I'm here to help. You can schedule a call with me. You can join my chat. I'm here to support you in this transition.
What Working in a Prison Taught Me About Being Single
I was a correction officer in 2006, and the first few months of working in prison absolutely sucked. I was there 40-plus hours a week in prison with the inmates, and those first few months were just hard to tolerate. I hated being in there. I felt like I was locked up with them just because I had the keys. I was in there getting a paycheck, but I still was spending about 25 percent of my time in prison. What's crazy is that after about six months, I started to feel comfortable. I would go into the prison and it started to feel like home. It started to feel like a place I belonged. Thankfully, I got out of there and I got to be a police officer, and that felt so much better than working in prison.
But this is what has happened to so many people who have actually been in prison. They get used to being in prison, and being free feels strange and uncomfortable. There are many people who intentionally re-offend just to go back to prison, where life seems to make sense and be more comfortable. I've come to believe most people's single lives have turned into this same institutionalization, because you get used to being single.
And yes, being single is much better than being in a bad relationship. Never tolerate an abusive, awful relationship. Never tolerate a relationship where you're being disrespected, where you're fighting all the time, where you're making each other's lives worse. But just because that's been your experience with relationships doesn't mean that's what all relationships are like.
The Honeymoon Phase Does Not Have to Wear Off
I was on a date with a woman who told me that the honeymoon phase wears off after three months in a relationship. I said, no, it doesn't — that's ridiculous. My ex-wife and I had years, years of honeymoon phase. Years of it just being awesome to be together — at least I did. And even most of the 15 years we were together were so much better than being single.
Now, my ex and I chose to get divorced because both of us thought we would be more compatible with someone else. I wanted more kids. She didn't. We both agreed that I should find a woman to have more kids with, and that since she said no, she didn't want more kids, she should find a man who didn't want more kids and would be more compatible with her. You see how I am — I'm this very high-energy YouTube guy, very public life, very out-of-the-box thinker. And my ex-wife is a corporate worker who wants a guy that's liberal, that's on her wavelength. The two of us — our initial attraction was that we were opposites. And I got to be kind of weak in my masculinity also, and that turned her off. So we got divorced.
At first she was like, oh, I don't want a relationship — I'm much happier single. She very quickly found that's not true. She's been dating someone the last several months, and it was literally the first guy she went out with from a dating app, because she knows that having a great relationship is way better than being single.
Why I Believe It's on Men to Initiate
I've struggled this last year, because I think as a woman it's a bit easier to be desperate — now, that's just a generalization — but as a woman, it's a bit easier to just kind of throw yourself at a guy and he'll accept you. Whereas when men really want relationships, women often interpret that as desperate, as needy: he's a loser, he has low social value. So as a man who realizes how valuable a relationship is, dating can be quite a challenge. But I think it's primarily on men. We need to be going out there and looking for relationships.
Because if you look at the statistics, women do a bit better out of relationships, while men tend to fare very badly out of them. In almost every statistic you look at, men that are single have, in almost every way, much worse lives than men that are in relationships. I would say relationships actually benefit men generally more than they benefit women, because women generally have better social support from other women, better connections with their family and friends, and lives that are better set up to be single. So to me, it is on men to be going out there and trying to find a woman, because I would say men have much more to gain from a relationship.
Now, women have a ton to gain from relationships as well, and in my experience women generally will be much happier in a relationship too. A lot of the women I meet that are single are so stressed out about their finances, and they're struggling with their moods and their emotions to have a life that actually is meaningful. So many of the women I know that are single are always trying to find themselves. They work so hard, they stress out about work, and then they spend all their money going on trips and trying to fulfill themselves with things that end up being pretty empty. Then they're getting medications and trying to deal with all these mood struggles. From my view, if you had a man that you loved, that also provided financially — and maybe that you had a family with, maybe not — a lot of these other things in your life would go away. So women have a lot to gain also. But men, we need to be initiating things, because a lot of women aren't comfortable going out and asking a man for his phone number.
The Grocery Store Story
Now, I know a woman — and this is as beautiful a woman as you could want to meet — who literally chased a guy down in the parking lot of a grocery store because she'd had a great conversation with him. And he had given up. I've talked to him. He had given up so much on having a relationship. He dated for years after getting divorced, and it was just pain, suffering, and incompatibility from every direction. He had given up for years — given up on even finding a relationship — to the point where he has this great conversation with a beautiful woman in the grocery store and he just walks out, because he figures there's no point even asking for her number. He's like, "I'm going to go get a drink." He gave up. And in this case, the woman actually, literally ran after him in the parking lot and gave him her phone number. They are still together years later today.
I definitely think women need to be making moves like that, because a lot of men have just stuck themselves in these single prison cells. So much content out there is telling men: just withdraw, stay single, the dating game sucks so bad you shouldn't even try it. And that is so disempowering, because men, look at all the data — all the data out there. Men in relationships are much happier, live longer, are healthier, and make more money, because men that are in a relationship with a woman often tend to be motivated to make more money and provide for her. And women in relationships, in my experience, tend to be much more relaxed, much less stressed out — especially about money — with much less of a need to go find themselves, and much more emotionally stable, because a real man will help a woman have a place to ground all her emotions, to feel all her feelings in a safe environment and not feel crazy.
Women Aren't Crazy — That's What You Have to Offer
A lot of guys are screwed up today. I know a guy, a decade older than me, good-looking, very well liked. He goes out with lots of women, and he goes around saying all the women he goes out with are crazy. It's like, do you not understand women? Women have lots of emotions, and it will appear crazy — but that's what you have to offer. I realize women can seem crazy, and I'm extremely consistent, despite what some of you may think. I show up and make videos every day no matter how I feel. I can show up and love a woman every single day no matter how she acts, and I have the grounding. I know what it feels like to feel like a man — I'm very grounded, consistent, and undisturbable. And I know what it feels like to feel like a woman in a relationship, which I did with my ex — to feel all my emotions and feel like I need my partner to help me be okay. That was one of the dynamics behind why we needed to get divorced.
The First Step Is Awareness
So the bottom line here is that life is much happier in relationships, and this is important: the first step is awareness — realizing that you're being dishonest with yourself, going around saying that you don't know what you want in dating, that you're unhappy with relationships, that you don't even need someone in your life.
And it's amazing how single moms especially seem to be in this rut. I have two single moms I just reached out to last night. Neither of them messaged me back. These are women that, as far as I know, are not dating anyone else. They're very single. And yet they're just in a rut. They're used to being single. They've taken on this masculine "I'm going to do all of it, I'm going to provide for my kids" — but then they're stressed out, then they're lonely, then they don't have any backup there. And the thing that sucks is that from there, it's harder to get into a relationship. Like this one single mom I just reached out to last night: on the surface, if you look at her Instagram, she's attractive, she's successful, she has a business. But if you dig into the personal details, her life and relationships are a mess — breaking up with the same guy a whole bunch of times, not even knowing what she wants in dating. And then here's a guy her friend recommended.
I sent a text message saying hi, and she didn't even respond to it. That's the problem. So many of our hearts are stuck in prison, and they've just taken being in prison as what's normal. The crazy thing is, when somebody opens the cell door, they don't even walk out. In fact, they're scared: "Oh, it's dangerous out there. I might get hurt." It's like you're settling for this solitary confinement. And yes, the solitary confinement might feel safe. But to me, the biggest danger is to get to the end of your life and realize you pissed your life away.
The Longer You're Single, the Harder It Gets
I see a lot of people in their 60s, 70s, 80s who haven't had a relationship in decades. And the longer you go single, it tends to be more and more difficult, because you get to be more and more set in your ways, more and more unable to build a partnership. Like the woman I went out with — she's been single a lot of her life; she's had a relationship for a few years at least. And I told her, to me, the main thing I need to qualify a woman on is: are you willing to give up your single life and be a part of something bigger than you, where your life is not all about you and what you want?
Like when I went out with the queen that I talk about in some of my older content — she's been single basically her whole life, never had a long-term relationship. And that's something I should have seen. She's been single for a long time, and I see it now: you just don't know how to be a teammate with somebody, to not put everything you want first and foremost all the time, and to kind of surrender. She told me she's run from every guy that liked her. And that's what we need to stop doing. We need to give people a chance. We need to at least try relationships. Even if it doesn't work, okay — maybe you learned something.
But the problem is that the longer you're single, the more you start to adapt your whole life to it. Like the woman I dated a month ago who's been single essentially her whole life — her whole life is set up to be single. She has all these things she does, she has all these people, and she doesn't have space for a relationship. She made space for me the first week, but then the rest of her life was competing. She does all these activities, and many of them are nice, but a lot of them are just not enough — and I think that's a waste of time that's set up to fill space, so she doesn't have to look at how single she is and how lonely she is. Then when somebody else comes in, dating starts to feel inconvenient: "Well, I don't want to hang out with him, I've got all this other stuff I want to do." And then she's all stressed about money — when if she'd make a partnership with me, money wouldn't be a concern anymore. It is so much more expensive to be single than to have a partner. If I could easily have a woman move into this house, both of us would save thousands of dollars a month. That's a lot of time working every month.
"I'm Better Off Alone" — Says Who?
So a lot of people's single lives have turned into "oh, I'm better off alone." And then you watch a bunch of content that tells you, yeah, you're better off alone, dating sucks, it's humiliating. And in the short term, that actually leaves you feeling better. A lot of people reading this will feel bad. You'll start to feel confused. You'll start to feel like, oh, I'm better off alone. You'll start to feel dumb. You'll start to feel sad. And a lot of people run from those feelings — just like a lot of people that have been single a long time run from feelings of love and joy and connection and interpret it as pressure. "He's pressuring me." It's like, yeah, I'm pressuring you to stop being a lonely, sad person and to become part of something bigger — a team — to build a bigger life than just you trying to survive.
And yet it's this kind of conversation that will change someone's life. This kind of conversation will get you thinking and get you honestly looking at your life and being like, damn, is he right about me? Have I gotten to the point where I forgot how much I wanted love, and wanted to be loved, at some point? Have I given up on being happy? Is being single really something that's okay? And I believe it's not.
Most people, you get to the end of your life — imagine some of these people. I focus on a lot of women, but there are a lot of guys too, great guys I know, who've never had a long-term relationship either, and it'd be sad to think of them getting old alone. Men actually have more time, because women tend to like older men — I do have a family member that found love in her 60s — so men often have more time to kind of screw around and be single. But women, in my experience, if you don't find a man you fall in love with and make a great relationship with by the time your 30s and 40s are over, often that's it. If you don't make the most of your 20s, 30s, and 40s, you'll often be so comfortable and locked into being single that you generally won't be able to have a partnership with somebody ever again. Like this woman I dated — I think if she doesn't find someone soon, she's probably going to be single the whole rest of her life. And that's sad, because life is better lived together.
Life Is Better Lived Together
Life is better with somebody next to you in bed. Life is better with a teammate — if you lose your job, they've got a job. And it feels better to help other people: if your partner loses their job, you're their backup plan. That feels better.
So if you enjoyed this, or if you felt a lot of emotions and you want help with that, you want support with that — I am leading by example. I'm going through the pain of dating myself, especially when I'm very aware that being in a relationship is so much better. That makes dating harder. It makes it high stakes. I share the whole journey on my Dating playlist if you want to follow along.
If you want to talk to me, join the family in my chat — you can talk to me all day, every day — or schedule a Zoom call with me.
And I'm putting a dating coaching package up on my website to help those of you that have been single a long time: break out of your single routines, take inventory, get your heart opening, and get ready to date.