My friends, here are some ideas, especially for men who are struggling with sex and love addiction. These are some better ideas, some coping mechanisms, if intimacy disorders are causing you to keep suffering and being miserable and blocking you from having the love you want in your life. I want to share what has worked for me, in my own experience, not as any kind of professional or medical advice.
I've struggled with sex addiction, and I've had years now where I have a wonderful, healthy sex life. Since 2014, I've only had a single day where I suddenly did things myself and then felt bad about it and remorseful. I think that's pretty good out of almost nine years now, and I've been married the whole time. So this is a video more for guys who are still single and struggling with this. I used to drink and struggle with sex addiction back when I was single, so I know what not to do, and I've got a lot of better ideas now, because today I have a healthy life where I love the intimacy I have and where I have great sex consistently. I know what doesn't work, and I know how that suffering happens, where you've made the connection — whether you had someone come over that you paid for, or whether you went out for it — and then the next morning you're just so miserable. You want to die, and you can't ever imagine doing it again. And then a week later, you're right back into it. I've been there.
The first step is getting honest with yourself
What I can say is that the first step to getting out of there is reaching out and getting honest with yourself. First, going inside and being like, I'm tired of this. I don't want to end up 10, 20 years in the future still stuck in this same position. The first step is to think about how your life is going to go if you keep down the current path.
I've seen guys in Alcoholics Anonymous who also struggle with sex and love addiction, and they're 70 years old and they're single and they're still doing the same crap that some of you are doing now in your 20s, 30s, 40s. What a sad, lonely existence. Do you want a sad, lonely existence?
What I contemplated was what my life was going to be like. My hardest addiction was alcoholism, and what I contemplated was what my life was going to look like if I kept going down the path I was on. I looked at it honestly. And that gave me a very strong desire — I don't want to be stuck drinking my whole life. That's when I started to get some better ideas, like, I'll do whatever it takes, I'll do anything to be sober. And today, I'll do anything to have a healthy sex life.
Start with prayer or setting an intention
That's a good prayer to start off with immediately, because some of the suggestions I'm going to offer might sound unappealing until you've loosened yourself up with prayer, at which point you may find, you know what, that's actually a good idea. When I was struggling with the worst of my addictions, the big thing that made a breakthrough was to set my intention, to pray, whether or not you believe in God. If you believe in God, you can say, please God, I'll do anything to have a healthy sex life, to not harm myself, to keep my integrity. And if you don't believe in God, you can just set an intention: I'll do whatever it takes to have a healthy, happy, enjoyable sex life.
With that intention done repeatedly, in the face of thoughts suggesting that you should go out to the massage place, or call up, or go online and have someone come over — if you do that intention or the prayer repeatedly, then in my experience you'll be opened up to alternative ideas that you would be absolutely closed to otherwise. For me, one of the most profound ways this played out was with my drinking, where my mind was constantly thinking about drinking. I kept praying to stay sober, and finally I took a suggestion to go get a massage.
A professional massage to meet the need for connection
I'm going to give the same suggestion here: if you are seeking some connection, a massage can be a healthy way to do that. And yes, there will not be a sexual component, I would imagine, if you're going to get a professional massage somewhere. But getting the professional massage will satisfy that desire for connection with someone else, and it will give you time to focus on your body. This may be a suggestion you might not want to try if you've struggled a lot with massages in the past. However, in a lot of cases, getting a massage and setting the intention to take this time to take care of myself, relax, and connect with someone else can help you balance all that energy out.
A healthy masturbation practice instead of acting out
I also find, if I'm single, that having a practice of doing things myself — I don't like the word masturbation, but there it is — having a masturbation practice is much better than acting out with someone else in a way that leads to hurt. For example, when you're pissing your money away, spending hundreds of dollars paying someone else, you're supporting often either human trafficking, or their own money addiction, or their own sex addiction. Not only are you hurting yourself, but you're supporting someone else in doing the same.
So to me, a healthy masturbation practice where you don't use any outside stimuli — it's just you loving and appreciating your body, no phones, no internet or TV, just really being present with your own body and not off somewhere else doing it in your head mentally — that is much better. For example, while I generally do not masturbate, after my wife took a long trip I decided I wouldn't masturbate even while she was gone — and then I decided that from now on, if she's going to be gone a week or longer, I'm going to have a healthy practice for myself. To me, it's physically uncomfortable if I'm withholding, and of course then the desire is going to come up to act out.
What I've noticed some guys do with sex addiction is put themselves in a position to fail by not having any other outlet — by refusing to have a healthy, happy, natural orgasm, and instead withholding and building up this willpower, until then it's the unhealthy outlet that leads to shame and feelings of remorse. So to me, getting a massage and having a healthy masturbation practice could really satisfy, very quickly, both the elements of release for yourself and connection with someone else, in a way that's fairly instant. Because I know addiction is generally a business of instant gratification. If you weren't in that instant gratification mindset, you wouldn't be drawn to doing things that provide short-term gratification in exchange for long-term pain and suffering.
Move your body: yoga, sport, running
Now I'm going to list a bunch of other tools here that can be very helpful as well. A physical movement class — something like yoga, dance, playing a sport that's more active, or even something like riding a bike or going running. These things can provide physical releases as well. For example, I did extra yoga and exercise when my wife was gone for the two weeks, because without that release of sexual energy, or without someone else to do it with, there's often an extra abundance of physical energy — for which I say thank you. I love having all this energy to do things. And those are practices that can be done with other people and can put you in a position to find someone else to connect with.
Set yourself up to actually date
Another better idea: in addition, if the massage and the masturbation get the job done in the short term, start doing maybe a yoga class, some exercise, and then start setting things up for the long term so you actually have someone you can date. Because the ideal scenario, to me, for a healthy sex life is to have a partner you enjoy having sex with. That's the ideal setup. But you just can't get that when you keep doing this, when you keep sabotaging yourself. You've got to break out of that cycle first on your own, because even if you start dating someone else, you'll often do these things that from the outside look stupid. There's so many of them. It just obviously looks dumb from the outside, but from the inside it makes perfect sense to you. If you want more of how I think about meeting someone the right way, I share a lot of it in my Dating playlist, and it's part of why I believe men are better off staying single and skipping hookups while they seek an amazing woman.
Go to meetings and let people help you
Another thing to do is, if you have SLA (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous) meetings you can go to, go to those. Share what you're thinking and experiencing, and try to help somebody else there. Because as sick as you might be, there's someone else who's probably sicker. And if you're the sickest one around, you can let other people lift you up and help you.
I love going to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. Very rarely now, at over nine years sober, am I the sickest one there. Sometimes, not too often, but sometimes. And whenever I'm the sickest one there, I beg and plead, and I'm very honest about the exact kind of help I need, and I let people help me. Then when I'm doing well, which is most of the time, I'm there to lift someone else up. Just like I'm here to lift someone else up right now. The effort is up to me to try; it's not up to me to get the results. It's up to me to put the effort out there.
I am certain that if you want a better life, you can have a healthy sex relationship, and that engaging in addictive, destructive sex behavior is, in almost no scenario, going to make your life go well. I love the sex life I have today. It's so nice, it's so good, and it's the opposite of what I used to have.
So if you have SLA meetings you can go to — some of them are on Zoom — reach out and ask for help. If you don't have meetings you can go to, there are people in your life you can be honest with. If you've got other addictions, programs like Alcoholics Anonymous may be able to get you some help too. That's how I worked through my sex addiction: with people in Alcoholics Anonymous who had worked through their own sex addiction. My ex-girlfriend had a sex addiction, and I went to her SLA meetings and a bunch of other SLA meetings. There was a man who had had sex addiction for 14 years, and he talked me through it and worked me through mine. I didn't even need to go to SLA meetings myself, because I worked with him — and it's been easier for me because I've been married. If you want things to be easier, finding a partner is the ideal long-term solution.
Explore your own creativity
After you do the things you can do — like a massage, masturbation, some exercise — another instant gratification thing can be to explore your own creativity. The friend I'm making this for in particular likes to create music. And I promise you, if you get a massage and masturbate and make some music and exercise, you will not need to engage in that destructive, self-destructive behavior.
The massage will cost much less than acting out. Some honest, real doing-it-yourself while not having any other distractions might be extremely therapeutic for loving and appreciating your own body, instead of this endless lusting and wanting someone else. And then the creative outlet. I find sometimes that my sexual energy is spent when I'm creating. When I made a whole bunch of videos online and made music myself, I find I often have less sexual desire. For example, I took a road trip with my wife and family where I wasn't able to create anything, and my sex desire went crazy, because I didn't have any other creative outlet. All I was doing was driving and hanging out with family and friends, which was nice, but my creativity satisfies that same kind of sexual desire.
The friend I'm thinking of here is generally working jobs where there's not that much of a chance to express creativity, and is then often too tired and not taking the time to make music. Then the mind suggests, and not having any kind of masturbation practice, not out there connecting with other people — then the mind suggests these old instant gratification strategies, like the massage parlor, or paying for someone to come over. I've done that before, and man, those are some of the worst days I've had in my life afterward. I'm glad I don't have to do those anymore.
Think preventatively and plan your weekend
You've got to think preventatively with this. That's why the intention-setting and the prayer help, because you masturbate, massage, exercise, and then have some kind of creative outlet, and the need to go down and do something destructive will disappear. Once you've got the instant gratification under control, you're in a great position to reach out and help other people, and you're in a position to set things up where you can actually have a partner you could have a great relationship with.
So if it was me and I'm single and I'm looking at the weekend coming up, I would schedule a massage for Friday afternoon, and then have a masturbation practice either before or after, whatever's most comfortable — maybe before and after, who knows? Just to myself, no distractions, nothing to look at or watch. It's just me and my body. And then I would spend the whole weekend making music, going to AA and SLA meetings, hanging out with friends, exercising in yoga classes. I would also be working on meeting girls through online dating. I would get my dating profile right, be reaching out and doing icebreakers and messages to as many girls as possible, and I would be setting up dates for the next week.
And then, looking at the next week, it's going to be easier. What happens when you engage with the addiction is that you also have to start from zero over and over and over. Starting from zero is the hardest. Getting through that initial transition period is the hardest, because once you get through that, you've got dates lined up all week. Just line up lots of dates. If one says no, if one doesn't show, it doesn't matter. When I was dating my wife, I sent out icebreakers on Match.com to 50 different women. My wife and several others responded back. I exchanged messages with several others and went out with my wife, and I liked her so much that I didn't go out with anybody else on Match until my wife agreed that we would see each other exclusively.
I can tell you that it's amazing how good my life is today, and how many other people I'm able to help, and all the suffering I don't have. I hope in your mind you can start to imagine how good your life can be.
Part of you loves the suffering — let it go anyway
To be honest, there's some part of you that loves this addiction to suffering, that loves the familiarity of the suffering, that's scared of the unknown, that's scared of trying new things, that's scared of letting go of this old personality that's familiar. But it's like a bad relationship: you can't have that good relationship until you let go of the bad one. I'm so glad that when I dated, I dumped people and they dumped me when we weren't feeling it. I didn't waste much time.
Think about the other people
The last thing is to think about other people. Sex addiction is a very lonely, selfish, and self-centered business for everybody involved. What I encourage my friend to think about is that there's someone else out there who is doing without you, because you are doing without them. The realities, the worlds you create — if you decide to pay someone to spend time with them, you're deciding to suffer. You're deciding to take yourself down. You're deciding that you want to be depressed, that you want to be miserable, that you want to be lonely, that you want to fuel someone else's feelings that are the same. If you engage in that behavior, you're consenting: I want to feel bad, I like feeling bad, I want to piss my money away, I don't want to have a great relationship, I don't want to have a family, I don't want to have the life of my dreams. I'm okay becoming a pathetic old man who at 70 years old is still having to pay for it, and I'm okay with a lame, half-lived, pathetic life.
If you don't fight with absolutely everything you have to decide exactly what kind of life you do want to have and go for it, then you're deciding to have that other life. That's why this starts with being honest. You're also deciding that someone else should be lonely and should struggle to find a man, when you could be a great man for them. You're deciding that this other person — who you might not even know — also should be lonely and struggle and be on their own, because you don't know what else to do.
So you've got ideas here of exactly what to do. If something doesn't resonate with you, then that's okay. But lots of times it's just fear of the unknown and fear of getting what you really want. Think about it: what kind of world do you want to live in?
What kind of world do you want to live in?
Do you want to live in a world where people are not considering everybody else, just trying to instantly gratify whatever desires they have in the moment, not thinking about the future? Or do you want to live in a world where people are connected and love each other and are supported and are working together and are considering other people? Because every single decision you make impacts the world all the rest of us live in. There are a lot of single, lonely people out there today, and you have the chance to help someone else not be single and lonely. That, to me, is a worthy life goal. You have the chance to let someone else experience the joy of connecting with you.
So if I was you, I would have everything set up and I would have a great weekend. I would be enjoying getting to date and know different girls. I would be having a great time. I would be saving my money. I would be doing what I love and creating music. I would be having fun messaging girls online, and I would not get hung up on the rejection — because there are so many girls out there who are single that if a hundred say no, it doesn't matter, because the one that says yes is the one I actually like. I've gotten rejected more than almost all of my other friends combined at dating, and now I have the happiest marriage. We've been together 12 and a half years now.
Don't be afraid of rejection — be afraid of the same old hole
If you're willing to take it, every time you get rejected it proves that you're willing to grow. That's good, honest growing pain. Don't be afraid of rejection; be afraid of going back into the same crap hole you've been in before, feeling the same way you felt before, living a life that's not what you really want.
To me, the worst way I could go to my grave would be to drink myself into addiction and be like, oh my God, I don't want to be in addiction all the way until I die. To me, there's literally no worse way my life could work out. That's why I go to AA meetings almost five days a week, and I make videos almost every day trying to help lift other people up. I'm there for my wife, and she doesn't have to be alone, because I'm there and I'm thinking about her. Because I feel good, I'm easily able to help all these other people feel good — to help other people have great relationships instead of being alone, to help other people do work they love instead of just being a slave at some job. And I'm seeing the kind of world that I'm really excited to live in, instead of one that's evil and miserable and lonely. This whole approach is the same long-term emotional sobriety I try to live in action, and a lot of it grew out of the principles in the 12 steps of AA.
To summarize: my ideal recovery weekend
So to summarize everything, if it was me and the weekend was coming up: I'd have a 90-minute, whole-body, no-sexual-touching massage — but very sensual and connected — scheduled. I'd have a masturbation practice, probably afterward, or maybe before and after. I'd be online dating. I'd have a yoga class every day, Friday night, Saturday, and Sunday — maybe that's too much with the massage Friday night, so maybe yoga Friday night and massage Saturday. I'd have a couple of AA or SLA meetings to go to. I'd be talking to my sponsor and my friends every day. And I'd be preparing so that the next week would be easier — doing the work so that next week everything would be easier than it was this week.
My life has gotten so easy because I've repeatedly asked: what can I do today to make next week easier for myself? So that future Jerry is high-fiving present Jerry and saying thank you for making my life easier — instead of what I used to do in the past, where I'd get wasted, engage in sex addiction, and laugh at how much I was going to suffer the next day. Then when I suffered the next day, I felt sorry for myself, like life dealt me some unfair blow, when I did that to myself.
You are worthy of feeling great. You are worthy of a great relationship. You are worthy of a happy sex life. You are worthy of a meaningful life — a life that's not wasted in your 70s and 80s still lonely, still doing the same crap. You are worthy of a life that, when you die, you're proud of. You get to say, wow, that was really nice, I enjoyed that, I helped other people, now on to the next one. If you want to keep going deeper with me on this kind of inner work, you can join the Jerry Banfield Family and we can talk it through directly.
For my friend I made this for, I hope this was helpful. I enjoyed making it, and maybe you, or somebody else, will find it useful too.