I used to be a hookup guy. I was raised in a culture where you tried to get with as many women as possible and your body count was your success count. I'm a different man now. I treasure my sexuality and I want to give that part of myself only to a wife, to build a family. Twenty-year-old me wouldn't recognize that — but I've got good reasons, and I think it's time more men took this path.
Quantity left everyone empty
When you're in the mindset that you're just willing to hook up, anything goes — why not sleep with someone you're not even attracted to? It's just quick sex. But I recently talked with a man who came out of the original pickup-artist world, with a body count around 500, and he said it was never even satisfying. The moment you're with one woman, you're already onto the next. I lived a version of that in my twenties, and I have no desire to go back.
What the one hookup taught me
The only sex I've had since my divorce was a single quick hookup, and it was a mistake. I wasn't attracted to her; I was just desperate, so I went along with things I didn't agree with and could barely follow through. She was genuinely hurt that I didn't want to see her again, and I spent the next month emotionally tangled up in energy that was never mine to take on. That's the hidden cost of hooking up: it's rarely as consequence-free as it looks.
You have to pick a path
Here's the core of it. If I'm a hookup guy, I waste my time and energy on women I already know I don't want to marry or have kids with — and that time is stolen from being available for the woman I'd actually be excited about. I know exactly what I want: a healthy woman who wants at least two kids and a marriage, who loves and understands and supports my work. You can't chase quantity and hold space for that at the same time.
Holding out on purpose
A friend recently pushed me to quit a private personal practice I keep most days, insisting I should just "be with real women." I sat with it for a day — and the moment I considered dropping it, I noticed myself getting desperate and thinking about hookups again. That told me everything. I'd rather take care of myself and wait for the woman I can build a beautiful life with. My ex and I built a beautiful life for fifteen years; even our divorce has been peaceful — she's dropping the kids at my house as I say this. I'm proud of who I've become, and I'm holding out for the right person.
Quality over quantity — with women, at least
I take the quantity approach in one place: making YouTube videos, where I crank out as many as I can. With women I want the exact opposite, and I'm setting that intention publicly. Men, it's time to skip the hookups and seek one amazing woman. It's the same boundary I describe in making dating fun again — only a "hell yes" gets a yes.
If this resonates, you can watch my dating playlist here.