On December 27, 2024, I woke up for what was my 4,960th day on YouTube. I'm a full-time YouTuber, and most people currently watch me for my ICP crypto and Internet Computer videos. This is the personal side of me, a day in the life. So here is what actually happened today.
A down morning and taking my mom to the airport
The first thing I did was wake up at 7, which is when I normally get up, and take my mom to the airport. She's going to Boston to visit her sister and her niece. She had perfectly timed the flight, so at 7:30 I could drive her to the Tampa airport. This is her dog, Scooby.
I'm amazed at how she's able to function while being so sick. She's nauseous, and if I had as many physical pains and symptoms as she does, I would definitely just pass on and move on to something else. I have a friend from college who passed on. He was born about six months before me, and he died about a year ago. He's visited me in dreams, and I asked him what it's like to be dead. He said it's a big reality, that his reality is much bigger than the one I'm experiencing. There are so many things he can go do and see, and he seems really happy with it.
That's how I look at it. I'm going to be here, I'm going to have a great quality of life, and if my quality of life sucks, I'm out. Everybody will be fine without me. But I love my life most days, and sometimes even the hard times are interesting, which I'll get to in a minute.
So I took my mom to the airport, and I mostly just listened to her talk. When she said she felt bad and didn't know if she could make it, I didn't say anything. I didn't give her encouragement like "oh, you'll be okay," and I didn't say "well, you should just stay home." I literally just assumed that regardless of what she said or how she felt, she'd go to the airport and visit her sister. So I just listened to her talk. I was feeling kind of down myself this morning, which helped me listen more. When I feel down, I really want to listen to other people even more.
The marathon-coach talk I gave my wife
Last night, my wife and I were together before bedtime, and it wasn't a very good experience. After things were done, I said, "I think you can do better." Now, I know some people will be horrified, but that's what I said, and I gave some specific tips. She was defensive. She said I should be grateful that I get anything at all, that some wives wouldn't do anything for me and I'd be on my own. I said I don't care about them or what other wives are doing, because I won't accept that.
I have a very high sex drive. I could do it morning and night, every day, and maybe some days at noon too. I've always had a high sex drive since middle school. I remember Kate Mulgrew's autobiography, where she said that any truly interesting man has a high sex drive. I've got to say, I agree with that. Maybe that's just me, but it's annoying to my wife a lot of the time, because she has more of a normal woman's sex drive, where once or twice a week would be plenty to meet her needs. So we've met in the middle, at about every other day. To me, every day would be ideal, but every day with someone who is just providing a service is not ideal.
One of the biggest frustrations I've had over the last decade of my relationship with my wife is this. When we were first together, before we had our daughter, she was so eager to please and do whatever I wanted that she just did it every day. I believe she wanted to, or she was happy enough. But after our daughter came along, she wanted to cut back. One of the biggest pain points in my marriage is that I'd love to have someone whose libido matched mine, although I realize that could be a bit of a crazy girl, and maybe I wouldn't even be enough to satisfy her. It is nice that I don't have to worry about my wife finding some other guy, because compared to some of her friends, she effectively has two. In terms of how much I want it and how much she has to provide, I'm two, three, even five times the man some of these husbands are in the bedroom.
She'll say, "well, my one friend, they only do it once or twice a month." I tell her I don't give a damn about that. I'd be leaving or laying down an ultimatum immediately if that was my marriage. I won't put up with that. She has another friend, and she'll say, "well, my other friend's husband just loves her and wants her to be happy." I laugh, because I love her, but I think she's going to be happy by me holding her accountable.
I told her last night to picture me as a running coach. My wife is training for a marathon, and I'm like a marathon running coach for her. I'm saying you can run faster. I'm saying you can run farther, faster. So don't take it as all negative. I'm the one telling you that you have untapped potential, and I want to see it.
The fantasy, and the reality of wanting more
So I woke up this morning feeling kind of like, can't I find a woman where we could just go at it all day, morning, noon, and night? And the thing is, I know I could. That's part of the problem. I know I'm very attractive to some women, not all women. Clearly some women look at me and think, ew, this guy would want to be on top of me every day, no thanks. But there are other women who look at this guy with the fire, the energy for life, the rebelliousness, the manliness, someone absolutely certain and determined to get whatever he wants, and some women find that really attractive.
There was a girl last year who found me very attractive, and I started to have a hard time remembering I was married when I was around her. I eventually pushed her away. Today I was thinking that I regret doing that. I wish I'd explored that further. I felt pretty sad this morning, tired of being here, like this marriage is the most boring thing in my life and it's holding me back. I could have so many adventures. My ideal scenario would be to have two or three wives, or maybe not wives, maybe just my wife now and then a girlfriend or two, and occasionally rotate one of the girlfriends. That would be my ideal scenario. But my wife is absolutely opposed to that.
I told her that she says she has to make this effort with our sex life, and I have to make this effort with monogamy, and she doesn't have to make that effort. For me, it's an effort every day not to pick some girl up or try to cheat. That's the effort I'm making, and she doesn't have to make it. I go to yoga and there are so many attractive women there. Sometimes it's better for me just not to talk to them, because I'm going to want to know their names, I'm going to want to ask all about them, and if they actually like me, that's when things have gotten awkward in the past. If a girl actually flirts with me and likes me, I start to feel afraid of ruining my marriage. So I'm grateful that I'm able to have so many girls as friends and set clear boundaries that I'm monogamous at the same time. Some days I really resent it, though. I think, man, my life would be so much fun.
Back when I dated, I was 50, 60, 70 pounds heavier, didn't have as much self-confidence, and was a mess from drinking. I was two-faced: what I showed you on the date versus what you got a few months down the road was drastically different. I very much did a bait-and-switch on my wife, but she did with me too. I write about how different it is now in why I can't date like I did 15 years ago. I love the idea now of trying to date, because the odds are in my favor and I know I could have a lot of fun. But there are a lot of crazy girls out there, and it could also be a lot of pain and suffering. I already have a wife, I already have kids, I already have a home I'm happy in. The grass is not always greener on the other side. I remember how painful dating was, and I have no illusions that there wouldn't still be lots of pain, confusion, and annoyance. Plus, what about this family? If you want the longer version of how I think through all of this, I keep it going in my Dating playlist.
Why I tell people the truth when I'm down
So I came to yoga feeling pretty down this morning, and I don't BS people when I'm feeling down. I'll tell them the truth. Last week at tennis I was aggravated with my wife, and some poor guy made the mistake of asking me how I was doing. I said, "lovely," and then immediately corrected myself, because that was my automatic response. I said, "actually, I'm annoyed with my wife right now." It was for something else, I don't even remember what it was now. Why am I telling you this? Because being able to talk these things out is very important to me. It's very important that I can express these things and hear other people's opinions. That's what I did this morning.
Getting to know other people's wives
At yoga, there was another wife I saw there, somebody else's wife, and I'm friendly with her. I love getting to know other people's wives, because it helps me appreciate mine. I'm very aware of the ways my wife could be better, and very aware of things other women could do that I'd like better than my wife does them. But ironically, getting to know other people's wives makes me like my wife better, because they often show off or say things that make me think, oh, I'm glad I'm not with you.
I like to be friendly. If I know somebody at yoga, I like to put my mat down next to them and talk to them. My kids say I'm one of the friendliest parents in the car circle, which sometimes works against me when I try to talk to a parent who doesn't want to be friendly and is wondering who I am and why I'm talking to them. Today I was so sad that I just put my mat down in my usual spot and didn't notice that one of the friends I hadn't seen there in a while was there. So today I was the one doing the ignoring. In the past I've gotten annoyed when friends come in and put their mat on the other side of the room and act like I'm not even here. But today I was the one ignoring. She always leaves early, so I managed to get a wave in to her on her way out so she knew I at least noticed her. I wasn't moving my mat once class started, though.
My AA meeting and feeling my feelings
Then I went to my Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. There was a girl there in her first few years sober who shared her story, which was great. I've seen her at meetings most of the time over the last few years she's been sober. Then there was a guy who's been sober most of my life, and he shared his story, and it really helped me. I dug in and listened to them. I felt my feelings and my sadness.
After the meeting, a lady came up to me and asked how I was doing, and I told her all the stuff I just told you. She said, "well, why don't you just use your hand?" I said I'm not trying to have a wife so I can use my hand. If my wife's gone on a trip, that's different. I tried retention when she was gone for 10 or 11 days last year, and that was miserable. My back went out halfway through. I was so screwed up that I would never do that again. My body and retention do not go together. All these guys talking about retention on YouTube, no, that does not work for me. My body hates it. We make this stuff so we can get it out. To me, if you're not doing it with somebody else, it's a practice run. It's like Kobe Bryant shooting free throws to prepare to play the game. I'm into being prepared to play the game. I guess this whole vlog is a digression.
Who shows up when you're down
After the meeting I talked to a few people and realized I was in a pretty dark place. What was really cool is that the girl who spoke came up and was much more friendly with me than usual. She gave me a hug, and she could obviously tell I was feeling bad. This girl often doesn't pay much attention to me when I'm in a good mood, and as with me, often we don't make time to talk to each other much on a good day. It was really sweet. I enjoyed seeing how she noticed how down I was feeling and wanted to cheer me up and show her support. It's nice when you're down to see who's there for you.
As a creator online, the real community is there when I've had a tough time. When everything's going great in life, you can't tell who your real friends are, because there are a lot of people who just want a piece of the attention and want to be friendly when I'm getting lots of views, lots of money is coming in, and people are talking about me. You find out who your real friends are when you get canceled somewhere, when you get banned. Then you see who really cares and who doesn't. There's always a small percentage that really care, and it can be difficult to see who that small percentage is. When I was on Facebook gaming, I was one of the biggest Facebook gaming partners and streamers. As soon as I got demonetized there, so many people were talking junk about me, unfollowing me, blocking me, calling me names on other people's streams, and these were the people who had been in my chat every day dropping money. So it was really nice this morning that a couple of people I don't normally talk to as much connected with me, just because I was down.
Why I talk to women about this stuff
Some of the men think you shouldn't talk with women about sex stuff. I disagree. I've found it very helpful to talk about it with women, because I need a point of view different from my wife's, and to see how most women look at it. Yes, my libido is very high, and most of them wouldn't want to deal with that. That helps give me perspective. My wife is actually more of the normal one. Talking to all these other women has helped me see that I've got a great deal. My wife is pretty normal when it comes to her libido, and most other women out there are likely pretty similar to her. The ones who have a libido on par with mine, I don't know if I'd like their personalities, and I don't know if I'd want a polyamorous relationship where they need me and three other guys to satisfy them. So I'm feeling a lot better now. Everybody talking at the AA meeting, listening to me, and sharing their experience with me is really helpful.
Why everyone needs places to talk outside home and work
That's why I think it's so important that all of us have some places we can go outside our home and outside our work environment where we can have real conversations with people. If you're not an alcoholic but you have alcoholic friends and family members, there's Al-Anon. There's yoga, there's massage, there are all kinds of support groups. I also go play tennis, although I haven't had that many deep conversations there yet. If you want more people in your life to have the kind of conversations I have at Alcoholics Anonymous, I'm sure you can find them, but you have to get out of the house. One of the communities I'd point you to is the Jerry Banfield Family, where I have these same real conversations every day.
I have a friend whose husband is just stuck in the house, codependent and constantly demanding everything from her all the time. You both need to get out of your house. If watching my videos is your social activity, you need to have real people you're talking with in person. You need communities of real people in your life. That's what's made a huge difference for me. I was very isolated before I went to Alcoholics Anonymous, stuck in my head with my own thoughts, without anybody outside my family. Often the problem with family members is that their points of view are too similar to our own, or we already know what they're going to say. I find I always need to talk to new people, and I need people who really know me outside my family, like in Alcoholics Anonymous or yoga.
I talked to a guy at yoga whose parent just had a stroke and is in the hospital, and that was difficult for him. He said, "I'm going back to work, and my parent just had this stroke." I told him what I told you, just a faster version. He said, "I'd happily trade your problems for mine." This is a guy who, as far as I know, is single, and he's been sober a while himself. I'm happy where I'm at, to be clear. I'm not interested in taking his problems on and giving mine up. At the same time, though, his problems don't look so severe to me. I told him my dad's already dead. The first time you have a parent with some serious health stuff is hard. When my dad had all his diseases before he died, it was hard. But I imagine it'll be a lot easier with my mom, because once you've had that first parent die, it changes. That was one of the best things my dad did in my life. He loved me. He was there for me for 29 years. He was a parent who was at home every day while my mom was at work and had the career. He was the main person in my life before my wife came along, and losing him was huge.
The best gift my dad ever gave me
At the same time, one of the best gifts my dad ever gave me was to die. Once he died, it opened up all this space for growth, for new relationships, and for new ideas. My dad was not into Alcoholics Anonymous, but after he died, I was drawn to go. Before that, I'd always try to get sober the way my dad had, just on my own willpower. After he died, I needed new father figures and grandfather figures in Alcoholics Anonymous.
So from my view, having a parent with a stroke or some big health problems isn't that big a deal, maybe because I've already been through it. From his point of view, his life was so stressful and so difficult because of these things. From my point of view, it doesn't have to be. Your parents are going to die, preferably before you do, and that's fine. In fact, sometimes it's nice once they're out of the way, so you can truly be your whole self. Sometimes having our parents holds us back, because we're trying to please them instead of just being who we are. My dad also taught me a lot of things not to do. The way my dad died, being sick, on pills, and going to the hospital all the time, I would never live like that. Him dying like that in his sixties motivated me to take better care of myself, to get sober, and to exercise and be active. I write more about the program that changed this for me in the truth about AA meetings and the 12 steps.
What staying active actually looks like
Yesterday I did yoga for an hour, and then at the tennis court we were supposed to have a clinic, but the coaches were all aggravated. They'd been called up at the last minute the day after Christmas, when they thought they could go out, party, and hang with their friends, and instead got told to come over. The coaches didn't want to be there. I wanted to be there. I wanted to do a clinic, but the other guys agreed not to have one, so I hit the ball machine for an hour. The ball machine was running me all over. Somebody else had set it up before me, firing left, all over the place. I had almost three hours of physical activity yesterday: an hour of yoga, an hour on the tennis court on the ball machine running around, plus walking my dog, on top of hours of washing dishes and filming videos.
My dad dying helped me see the importance of physical activity. His doctor told him when he was 40 that he needed to walk and do some exercise, and he didn't. Well, he did it at first, but then he stopped, and he was pretty physically inactive the last 15 years of his life. He didn't quit smoking either. If he'd made the changes his doctor recommended, just quitting smoking and walking more, he'd probably have lived five or ten more years. But I don't think he wanted to live. I think he and my mom had a dead bedroom. My mom's probably not watching this, and that's just my opinion. She disagrees, and she said he told her he did want to live. But to me, if you really want to live, there are things you do that show it. You're physically active. You look for a diet that's supportive. You surround yourself with people. You have enthusiasm. You have that spark for life in you. To me, having a high libido is a sign you want to live and want to create more life, and the opposite of that is dying. That's why I'm inspired when I hear about guys in their nineties who are still chasing girls and have a high libido. To me, that's where I'm at.
Coming home and choosing this marriage
I still haven't covered everything, but really, haven't I covered enough? When I came back home, I talked to my wife, not much, but I'm happy here. Yes, I was sad and down and in a dark place earlier, but that lifted pretty quick. And you know what? I'm in this marriage because I choose to be here. This relationship is better than anything else I'm aware of.
I will say that if there were a girl who liked me as much as the one last year did, I would investigate it further. I would never break an agreement to be monogamous with my wife without talking with everybody beforehand, and I wouldn't do something impulsively. But I don't think there's anything wrong with getting to know someone and talking with someone. If I'd gotten to know that girl better last year, I might not have liked her as much. So now, if a girl comes along who's friendly to me, I try to get to know her more, because often getting to know somebody more makes you not like them as much. I keep coming back to how a temptation at yoga turned into a warning that protected my marriage in the woman at yoga.
I love getting to know girls more, but guys too. Often it's easier for me to like a girl on the surface and then not like her as much once she starts talking. With men, it's often the opposite. I'm normally a bit colder toward men, but if I talk to a man a bit more, I generally end up liking him better. Although some guys it's like, "what do you do?" "I watch football on the weekends and go hunting." All right, we're not going to have anything in common, especially if you drink beer while you're doing that. You're not my kind of dude, we're not on the same wavelength. That's one thing too: a lot of guys born in the eighties and nineties are still drinking beer and watching football, and I'm not into that.
If you want to follow more of these honest days and where they take me, you can watch them in my Life playlist. What a beautiful thing. I've run out of stuff to say.