I want to tell you how not to take things personally — because if you don't take things personally, life is pretty easy. Life gets difficult when things are taken personally, especially when they're not meant to be taken personally. For example, somebody says something, and you get all upset and pissed off when they didn't really mean to attack you with what they said. What they said could have not been taken personally, and in that instance, you might not have been upset. This has been a skill I've been very intentionally developing: how not to take things personally.
The number one thing: take inventory of yourself
So the number one thing to do to not take things personally is to really take inventory. Take inventory of yourself. Get to know: who are you? What are you all about? Because it's much harder to take things personally when you really know yourself well. And if you see a reaction coming up, then it really points to something within you.
For example, when I start getting upset at something, there's the temptation to look at it and blame it on other people. But really, I'm disturbed. There's something going on inside of me. It's not really them. It's me losing my cool. It's something happening inside me. So taking full responsibility for my own feelings and my own emotions makes a world of difference. And it allows people to not have power over me. Because as long as I am letting other people offend me, then I'm not going to be able to do anything — I'm vulnerable to losing control of myself.
And I don't like losing control of myself. I really like having control of this body and this mind. I really enjoy being in control. So with taking full responsibility for who I am and what I'm doing, I'm able to be in control — to really love myself. That self-love and ownership is something I've explored more in my story about my higher power, sobriety, and self-love.
If you're an angry person, it's not about them
So not taking things personally starts with getting to know thyself. For example, if you identify as an angry person, then of course anything anybody says is likely to trigger your anger. But it's really not about them. If you are an angry person, and somebody says something that leaves you feeling angry, it's not really them. It's you. You're an angry person. And pretty much anything that could happen, pretty much anything, could come along that would trigger you to be angry — because you're an angry person.
And that level of identification, saying, "Oh, I'm an angry person. You know, maybe it's not what everybody else is doing. Maybe it's me" — that just produces magical results in life. That responsibility. So having that ownership over how I'm feeling allows me to not take things personally.
How Alcoholics Anonymous taught me to look within
I've worked on this in Alcoholics Anonymous through things like the fourth step and the fifth step — taking inventory, and looking within to see, okay, who am I really? And taking full responsibility for myself. That makes it much harder for me to take anything personally. Because in the event that I do get upset, I suspect it's something to do with me and how I'm feeling. My first thought is, "Hmm, what's going on with me today?" instead of immediately thinking, "What's going on with them? What's wrong with them?" If I get upset, I think, well, what's going on with me? Why am I letting this person upset me? And that makes it so much easier. I've written more about the emotional side of this work in long-term emotional sobriety in action.
This has been very important for me as someone who streams live, too. Instead of looking out and getting mad — and I've gotten mad at people lots of times while streaming, for one thing or another — it's really helped me to look at myself and ask: what's going on with you, that you've got to get pissed off about this person? That's helped me a lot. Taking that personal responsibility has made a real difference. This kind of inner work is exactly what I talk through with members in the Jerry Banfield Family.
Another thing that really helps, if you don't want to take things personally, is to realize that every time I get offended, it's an opportunity for me to learn something about myself.
People tell me I seem nice now. Well, I am now — but I used to get angry a lot. I mean, a ton. That's the point: if you don't want to get offended and take things personally, it really helps to examine yourself. I used to be a very angry person who got very easily frustrated. And I realized, I don't like being like that. I don't want to be angry and easily frustrated. I want to be in control of myself. And when you set that intention, that intention is very powerful. You know what? I don't want to be angry or frustrated. I want to be in control of myself. That makes a huge difference. That's why taking personal responsibility makes such a big difference. I've said, look, I don't want to be all frustrated and annoyed on a daily basis. I don't want to be powerless over my own emotions. I want to be responsible for who I am. And then it's harder for me to take things personally.
The second thing: set an intention for who you want to be
So once you get to know yourself really well and you understand what's happened in the past, it helps to then set the intention: how do you want to act? Do you want to get really nasty and offended when any little thing happens in life? Or do you want to be cool? Do you want to be able to be at peace and enjoy your situation? I want to be at peace and enjoy my situation. I don't want to be all angry and frustrated.
So the first thing is to know thyself — look at who you are and how you're acting. And then the second big thing is to say, you know what, I want to be a person who's not easily angered or frustrated. I want to be a person who's calm and composed. I want to be a person who's full of love and joy. I want to be a person who is not afraid. And when I set all those intentions for myself, those end up coming true. This is the kind of everyday inner work I keep documenting in my Life playlist.
The third thing: understand what the other person is going through
And then the final thing, the last thing that makes a big difference. Knowing myself makes a big difference. Setting an intention — I don't want people to be able to make me angry, because I feel powerless when people make me angry — makes a big difference. The last thing is then to always question what's going on with anybody else. Because other people have their own things going on in life. Other people are struggling and frustrated sometimes themselves. When you know yourself well and you know how you want to be, you can better understand how other people are operating.
For example, I know myself and my driving history. It used to really piss me off when someone tailgated me. It used to really piss me off when people were driving too slow. Basically almost anything that happened when driving was liable to get me really pissed off, because I'd get afraid of getting in a car wreck, and that would often lead to it — or I'd be in a hurry and impatient, looking at how somebody else was in my way.
So when I know myself, and I know, hey, it's okay, people can drive however they want to — it's fine, it's not a big deal — and I remember my own driving history, it's much more difficult for me to get angry with somebody else's driving. Because I remember very well how I used to drive: angry, fast, tailgating other people. And when I see other people doing that now, I'm able to be more compassionate and say, you know what, this might be an angry or frustrated person right here. Or this is somebody who's in a hurry right now. That compassion allows me to not get angry, because the antidote to being angry is understanding.
Understanding someone else is love
So if you don't want to take things personally, you take control over yourself, your stories, and your life; you set an intention for how you want to be; and if somebody comes along and is being a bit of a jerk, then there's an opportunity to understand them. When you can understand them, that's love. When you can understand somebody else and how and why they're operating the way they are, that's love — being able to understand somebody else and why they're doing what they're doing. And that's a beautiful thing to be able to do.
To give somebody grace: I look at somebody now in the same situation where I would have gotten angry before. Somebody's tailgating me. Instead of getting all pissed off at them, I remember why I tailgated other people — I was in a hurry. And why was I in a hurry? Because I was out of control. When you're out of control, and you're trying to do too many things, and you feel like things aren't going well for you, it's very tempting to get yourself into a hurry. So I got myself into a hurry all the time because I was out of control. And I was unhappy. And I was anxious. And I was having trouble managing my emotions successfully. That left me consistently in a hurry, because I wasn't looking at the big picture.
So all of that understanding — when somebody's tailgating me — instantly comes into my head. And then the logical thing to do is to just get out of the way. Somebody's tailgating me, I get out of their way, because that's the intelligent thing to do. And I don't get upset, because it's nothing personal. Somebody tailgating me is nothing personal. I am nothing — I don't even exist to them. I'm just in their way.
Nothing personal: the real gift
And what's funny is, I'll watch the same person who tailgates me go on to tailgate the person in front of me, once I get out of the way. And the person in front of me will take it personally and get pissed off, and honk, and they'll be giving each other fingers. And I feel so enlightened. I'm like, see, I don't have to do that. That's the real gift of not taking things personally.
One day there was a guy in an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting who said something that, I guess, made the room gasp. Because whatever he said sounded like it was really negative and directed toward me. But I didn't even notice. I didn't associate that what he said might be related to what I said. I simply figured they're talking about their experience, which has nothing to do with me, because I don't even know them. And this lady said, "Can you believe what that guy said about you?" I said, "No. Who said what?" And she told me. And I still wasn't offended. I'm like, he can say whatever he wants to. I don't know him. The same thing is true of any negative feedback you get out in the world — most criticism is a sign of success you can mostly ignore.
Another guy in AA said something that left me feeling enlightened one day. He walked into a meeting and told this other guy, "I don't think these people like me." And the guy looked at him and said, "They don't know you well enough to not like you." And that helps.
So I hope this helps you to not take things personally as your day proceeds. And then, if you do take something personally, maybe you can set the intention: next time, I'm not going to take that personally. If this resonated with you, you can watch my newest videos in my Life playlist.