Here's how I invite a woman to approach me without actually saying anything to her. This is basically the opposite of cold approach. This is doing my part to support what I think of as warm approach, where I put out very warm and loving feelings toward a woman, and that encourages her to then get interested and approach me from a place of safety.
Now, I'm practicing this as a single man looking to date women — looking to find one woman to have a wife with and more kids with, since I had one wife and I have an ex and kids already. This is my dating philosophy. It's optimized for me being a safe man who has made it clear I'm not approaching women: no cold approach, no dating apps, no going around trying to get phone numbers or ask women on dates. So many of you asked, okay, well, what exactly are you going to do then? This is what I do to help women want to approach me, and I'll tell you exactly how I did this yesterday.
The Silent Invitation
Yesterday, I went to the yoga studio. I picked out a place I was going to put my mat down. Then this woman who's at least 10, maybe 15 years younger than me and looks very attractive puts her mat down right about where I was going to. And I figured, well, I'm just going to put my mat over there too, because that's the best spot. Physical positioning will really help with this. The closer you can be together, and the longer you'll be near each other, the better this works — because this is based on the idea that each of our hearts puts out an electrical field that goes out for several feet beyond our body.
So the basic idea is that I invite a woman to approach me by putting out all the love and warmth that I have for her. And then when the woman identifies that she's feeling good, and she associates me with that feeling — or it creates a desire in her to meet me — that invites her to approach. But note that I don't do anything concretely or objectively to make that happen. I don't do anything outside of being very careful about my emotional state. I'm not starting a conversation with her. On the surface, I'm minding my own business. But inside, my heart is putting out the frequency that it's open and that it's looking for connection. This is a silent invitation, and it's an internal exercise.
Now, this will not work 100% of the time. In fact, most of the time it probably will not work. It depends on the woman — and obviously, if you're doing the same strategy with a man, it depends on the person who's receiving it. If a woman has a partner, or is not interested in connection, or is in her own head, then the nice thing is that when I do this, I know there's no connection. If this doesn't work to get the woman to approach me and start a conversation with me, then I certainly do not want to do that with her. I certainly don't want to start a conversation or pay any attention to her. Because here's what happens: about 20% of the time that I do this, I get the results that happened yesterday.
What I Did at the Yoga Studio
So I went to the yoga studio yesterday and put my mat nearby this woman, who is the exact kind of woman — at least physically, and given that she's in a yoga studio doing a hot yoga practice, and I'm in shape and I really care about fitness, energy, and wellness, these are good odds. If I was cold approaching — which I am completely against; cold approaching to me is bothering people that don't want to be bothered by you most of the time — this is the exact kind of woman I would cold approach, right? But instead, I go put my yoga mat down a normal distance from her, not too close or anything. And then I don't say anything. I might look in her direction, but I intentionally try not to be looking at her or initiating eye contact or anything, because at this point she doesn't feel anything for me. If anything, the earlier I start some interaction, when there's no feeling or connection, the more unlikely she's going to be to want to carry it further. And I've tested that out a lot of times.
What I do instead: I mind my own business. I sit on my yoga mat. And yesterday I was feeling a little defensive, so I consciously told myself — open your heart. You're in the right environment. Open your heart to this woman who's next to you, who's beautiful, who may align with what you want, who may not, but put all the love you have out toward her. And if she's receptive, she will feel that, and she will be curious to get to know you. And it may not even be a conscious process for her. She just may be like, who's this guy next to me? I want to meet him.
So I did that for the entire yoga class. I mean hundreds and hundreds of intentional thoughts. While my body is doing an intense physical workout and sweat's going everywhere, mentally I am affirming over and over: I'm so grateful this woman is here. I am so proud of her yoga practice. I'm essentially saying a whole bunch of nice things to her in my mind, over and over again. And to myself too — look at you, you're on this yoga mat taking care of yourself. This is difficult and you're up for it. So I'm putting out this very strong, loving energy the entire time. And sometimes that comes out a bit playful, where I'm laughing and smiling, and that produces some concrete joy. But I'm focusing on my energy — what kind of energy am I putting out? And then this woman is close enough to very easily be able to feel that energy.
Now, I don't like generalizations, but men often are generally very logical and visual, and women often are much more emotional. And one of the things that women have told me they treasure about a man is how they feel with the man. So this entire practice is turning a cold approach into a warm approach — while maintaining physical safety as well.
Leading in Physical Safety
To me, I'm the leader in physical safety as a man. And the way I can maintain physical safety is that I do not initiate or start things with women. I don't bother a woman. I focus on communicating the emotion to the woman, and then I sit back and don't disturb her until she's ready to have that conversation with me. Because the modern dating scene has left a lot of women very guarded from getting approached all the time. And it's also left a lot of women feeling that they have infinite options — guys they can just DM on Instagram and guys they can have on dating apps. So in person, I'm looking to be the opposite of that. I'm a man that can offer you very good feelings, but at the same time, I'm not going to bother you. You're going to have to come to me for more of these feelings. I'm here with the good vibes, and if you are interested in that, you approach me.
This way, I'm leading in physical safety: I'm not disturbing her, I'm not initiating, I'm not approaching, I'm not doing anything to trigger her defenses — which is very important. And I've tested trying to be generically friendly a bunch of times. You want the woman to have that sense of physical safety that you're not going to bother her at all. And then if she wants something from you, she's got to come get it from you. That's a big part of this energy: a refusal on my part to initiate, combined with that feeling.
How She Approached Me
So what happened at the end of class? Now, I do need to pay attention to my physical positioning to do this. I'm not doing this strategy and then getting up and jetting out of class right away. I'm in a position where, if she wants to talk to me, I'm there and it's easy. Yesterday, as the class wrapped up — again, there was no eye contact or any verbal communication at all between the two of us; we did yoga next to each other for an hour, and I did this internal practice — I sat there and listened to the yoga instructor do the announcements and everything. This woman keeps sitting there, so I keep sitting there too. Not doing anything. I just sit there. And she sits there.
Then, all of a sudden, she goes from kind of sitting there not doing anything, turns directly, and looks straight at me. She puts her fist out and says, "Great job on your yoga practice." And I just get a big smile. I'm like, nice — this woman is receptive to my feelings. How awesome. I put my fist out and I match her energy. I had also been paying attention to what she was doing during her practice, to make sure that if she did start talking to me, I could immediately have something to say back. I'm taking notes — like, oh, good job, you got up into your crow pose. So when she approaches me, I'm ready, and I've got material to work with that shows I've been paying attention, that I care about her, and that I'm interested in her also. Whatever level of interest she has in me, I have that same interest in her.
And here's what's so amazing about this: if I had tried to start a conversation, she probably would have gotten defensive and shut me down, as I've experienced a whole bunch of times since I got divorced over the last year. Almost every time I've tried that, the woman shuts the conversation down and feels nothing. But since I did this first, she's very warm. She's very interested in talking to me. She's asking questions — what do you do? I'm joking around and being funny. I told her I'm a YouTuber, and she reacts positively. And then I'm like, well, what do you do? She says she's in sales. And instead of the usual "oh, that's really cool to hear," I say something like the opposite: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that." Right? Because you're just out there cold texting and cold calling — I have empathy, like, oh, that sounds rough.
So I'm there playing. I'm willing to be myself. I'm not just trying to get her acknowledgement and validation — I'm teasing her, I'm playing with her, I'm even risking getting her angry by some of the stuff I'm saying. It's clear that I'm very self-contained. I've got a lot of love to give, but I'm also going to communicate my ideas regardless of how she feels about her job or something like that.
I'm not going to sit there and try to act like I think a sales job's great. I'm like, oh, sorry to hear that — condolences that you're selling software. So then I walk off from her to go over to the cubbies and get my stuff, and she walks out the door first. Now, meanwhile — I used to be a police officer, so I'm just naturally always paying attention to my surroundings, and since this woman approached me, I'm even more interested in what she's doing. I then walk out, and guess who's waiting outside the door. She's walked like a half block down, stopped, and she's fooling with like five things — which, if I was her and hoping this wasn't over with me, is exactly what I would do to make it look harmless while hoping to run into me again. So I walk her direction and we talk a bit more. And then she asks, "Do you usually come to this class?" And I'm like, "No, I usually am playing tennis on Thursdays." And then I walk off and say, "It was nice meeting you today."
Why I Didn't Ask for Her Number
I do not ask for her phone number. Because if she wants my phone number, if she wants something more with me, I want her to leave thinking, "I wish he'd asked for my phone number. I hope I see him again." I want her to leave wanting more. At the same time, I put that class in my schedule. And she did ask what my YouTube channel is, so she could end up finding this story in my Dating playlist herself — and maybe I'll get a chance to talk to her about this directly.
This was such a nice experience. But here's the thing: if I don't put that kind of energy out first, there's no way she just turns to me that warm and friendly. I've been to enough yoga classes to know. You would think I would do this every single time. The crazy thing is that I'm in a bad mood sometimes. I come into a yoga class with my heart closed, I'm surrounded by beautiful women, and nothing at all will happen. No one will notice me. No one will be friendly. No one will smile. And then I get frustrated — all these people in here, and I just feel alone. Well, you came in with this bad attitude and these hurt feelings, and then you couldn't love yourself or anybody else hardly. Why would you put out bad feelings? You should be happy that nobody approached you and wanted more of those bad feelings.
I've now repeated this same basic technique in a variety of circumstances, and I can tell you it's extremely powerful. And again, if you don't know the person, you can't tell whether it's going to work or not. But the beauty of it is that this is also just a great way to live — a great way to go around normally. Yes, it takes some effort, but the more I do it, the more it gets to be a habit. And then it baffles me as to why I would ever go to a yoga class with a bad attitude.
The Time I Ruined It by Getting Too Excited
I've seen this work time and time again. In the past, this worked with the most beautiful girl I've ever seen at this yoga studio out of hundreds — and I made the mistake of one-upping her interest. I did this with another woman over a period of weeks, and in my mind, I was just worshiping her. And this woman actually initiated with me too. But I didn't have, at that point, the firm commitment: I'm not approaching, I'm not asking for a phone number or anything. So when this woman reached out her hand and introduced herself to me first — and was very interested to meet me and talk to me — I kind of ruined it by then telling her that I thought she was the most beautiful woman I'd seen in the yoga studio. Which was true. But it also came out way too heavy, and she hadn't demonstrated that level of interest in me. So I essentially ruined the exact same kind of thing that I described happening yesterday. I ruined it by getting too excited too quickly.
So I've learned that as a man, I need to maintain the physical safety. I need to not do anything to trigger the woman, especially when we're first meeting and haven't even been out on a date. I need to avoid doing anything to trigger her defenses. I need to let her completely come to me. And that includes afterward: if she gives me her phone number, then I wait till she messages me. If possible, I communicate that, so she understands that it's up to her to initiate communication — that I don't initiate communication. Even with most of the men, friends, and family in my life, I generally do not initiate communication. I have the Jerry Banfield Family, and I focus on the people who've joined it to communicate with me — I focus on showing up for that.
I've done this technique a number of times now, and when it works, it just feels so good. And yes, sometimes I feel a bit sad, because I don't know who this technique is going to work with, and 80% of the time I don't get any reaction. But I'll tell you: 99% of the time, if I don't go around with this kind of loving, open heart, what happened yesterday will not happen. So this technique opens up a lot of women approaching me. And it's just amazing to see who it is — to see who does feel me and who's very interested.
I had the same kind of interaction with a different woman at yoga. Same thing: an hour, and again, absolutely no contact or communication before the hour was up. At the end of class, she just spins around on her mat, gives me this huge smile, and looks at me for like two seconds before saying anything. That's what I'm talking about. That is absolutely an outlier reaction. I've done so many yoga classes, and that almost never happens if I'm not in there with my energy, putting out that clean, loving, happy vibe. That's a very intentional thing I'm doing inside. And I'm so excited to pair this with that emphasis on minimizing triggering her guards — not approaching, nothing I'm doing outwardly, just sitting back to receive. That is so exciting to me.
If You're Single, Stuck, or Starting Over
I have a family of all of us online, from all my channels, that follow my content. If you're single, if you're feeling stuck, or if you're starting over — I've been there. I still am there. I'm not feeling stuck, though. I got divorced last year after a very happy — most of it — 15-year relationship with my ex, the mother of my kids. I'm single right now. I have zero options at the moment. But I have so many women that I put out all this love for, and I'm just interested to see who is interested in me. I'm just doing my thing, helping you and people like you as much as I can, and I'm ready for a woman who's really interested in me to pursue me. And I'm communicating that. I have a date tonight, and tomorrow night I'm going to a party — a sober event. There are so many women there that I have some kind of chemistry with, that I've already danced with, that I have a history with. I'm just so excited to see what happens. And even nothing happening is kind of interesting — it's like, I wonder what else is going to happen.
And joining my community will be the best thing you ever do for your dating life. I'll help you get ready to date. I'm putting more videos in there, and I'm putting all my old courses in there. You can post exactly where you're at right now, and I'll personally read it and respond to it. There are other people in the community too, and I have a lot of time to be there to support you. I am there to help you build a real-life dating plan — no dating apps. I don't use dating apps. I used to. They're awful. They totally ruin everything. And I'll help you and support you from being single, stuck, and starting over, to turning dates into a relationship that lasts.
That's my only goal with dating. I don't care about hookups, body count, and one-night stands. I did enough of that in my 20s — and one of those after getting separated. All I care about is having a beautiful relationship, and I don't want anything else besides that. No distractions. No drama. No flakes. None of that. So if you want to have your single life be awesome — where you love it, and all you're doing is getting ready to date and executing a plan, and then, when you do get dates, turning those into relationships — I'm here. God, that sales pitch was longer than I meant for it to be. Great — the sales pitch just got longer now. Nice.