Alright, we were on the real Nintendo 64 — no emulators or crap. Let's do this. I was on the bottom screen, in case you couldn't tell from the canvas. Oh shit — is that you? Damn. We started out at 100cc to let our confidence boost. That's the thing about getting into these old games: you think, oh, I'm so good at that. Then you play it and you realize, yeah, you used to be good. You need to warm up first. Shit! Not too good. Damn! Oh no! Fuck! I went two and a half minutes without saying fuck. James didn't think it was even that long. That's what she said. This stream was child friendly for about 60 seconds.
Meet James
I was playing with my friend James, and I asked him to tell a little bit more about himself. "Oh man. My name's James." I asked what it used to be, because it used to be Jimmy, and then it was Ishmael, and then it was Olympics. He's changed his name a lot — that's a whole story in itself. One of the things we did together that I found really powerful was a coaching session we had. Here's how I met James: my friend was dating him a few years ago, and that's how I first heard of him. Then I had my first significant interaction with James on a Zoom video call just a week before this — the first time we had a meaningful interaction, talking just the two of us for about an hour. After that, I met him in person. I was at an uncomfortable transition point in my life, wondering where to go next, and I had a really nice coaching session with James out in the park, which helped me get into some movement practices like yoga.
I'd noticed him tapping his heart earlier, so I asked what that was about. He deflected at first — "I think you know more than I do about it" — but then explained: "It's an energetic thing. It helps me just connect with myself. It just feels good. I like it. It just makes me feel good." Tapping is a thing — you can tap.
Pop Your Dickhead Up
Which is when James asked, "Are you trying to say pop your dickhead up?" That's one of my catchphrases. Back when I would snipe people and get them with a headshot, I was just about to snipe this guy one time, and I was already saying "pop your..." — he pops his head out right into my shot and I hit him right in the head, one-shot kill. I'm like, "dickhead up!" That's my catchphrase. James asked if that's going to be on the t-shirt. I hope so. I don't know if it applies as much in Mario Kart, though — are you really popping a dickhead up in Mario? Oh yes — I think James just hit Luigi. Nice. Let's see if I can get Mario with this. Ah! Took Mario out! Yes! I think he took his dick when he started. Oh nice, Luigi didn't even get a picture of a Green Shell. Alright, GG, we won that one. Nice! Good job, James! Right at the end it was decided by like inches. Very nice.
Noble Silence
Then came an awkward, awkward silence. No — that is noble silence. Noble silence, I like that. Some Eckhart Tolle retreat terms. James asked if I'd really done one of those retreats. No, I haven't done one, but I have listened to probably 10 or 20 of his retreat audiobooks. I'm going to say that all the time now: noble silence. He's like, we will keep noble silence. We will keep noble silence today — except for me, I will talk for 10 hours. And I'm like, yeah, if that was my retreat, I'd tell everybody else to shut the fuck up and I'd just talk the whole time. Everybody else should be quiet the whole time, so you can really listen.
Holy shit, I'm out in the woods! This thing was just constantly slapping me. James said that's the favorite thing he's ever heard me say: "Holy shit, I'm out in the woods." That's it. Red shells for you, Yoshi. Spread them cheeks. Okay, they both got flattened, too. Aw, that was cheek — did you see that? You know how someone drops one of those items upside down right in the middle of the bridge and you can't get around it? I wish it would happen to somebody else. Fuck, I'm first still!
Five Bananas on the Bridge
Alright, you thought that was dirty, James? Check this nasty ass little bridge out. I just put like five bananas on the bridge. All the fuckers are gonna be slipping on that. Including me. James was hoping it would take out everyone in front of me — he was assuming I'd be behind them a bit. What the hell is this? I think I'm in first right now. I hate this bridge. Make sure not to get overconfident. Be humble. Oh yeah — I was one of the bananas. Wait, no — I was past the bridge. Oh shit, they're catching me. These little engines sound like — I don't know if it's a little weed whacker or a beehive. Fuck, stay on, stay on. Oh, don't. Stay out of the way. Yes! Am I first? I must be first right now. Shortcut, Dr. Jones! I'm first! I win! Yes! How satisfying. I was hoping James would be second.
Tased and Pepper-Sprayed
Somewhere in there I asked James, have you been tased before? I have, as a police officer. For some reason in training they tase you and pepper spray you. I'm like, well, why don't you just shoot me with the fucking gun, too? Then I'll know what that's like. It's not tasing — it's called training. Alright, stand there. I'd rather be tased than sprayed, though, because the taser is done as soon as it's gone. Pepper spray left me feeling like I had a hangover all night. That's miserable, really.
James mentioned his dog used to be named T, so that's all he can think of when I repeat it. Wait, you renamed your dog? Dude, that blue shell just died. I'm done. No — my dog just died. Exactly. It's funny the empathy you get for dogs. People are like, oh my god, I'm so sorry! And I'm like, it's okay. People are more empathetic when a dog dies than when a person dies. Well, my dad died. That's great, thanks for telling me about that. But your dog died? Oh my god, I'm so sorry, are you okay? I've got another dog. Mamma mia! There's a bunch of them at the rescue that I would love for you to adopt.
Paddles With Holes in Them
Well, it's the same way with humans. I told my kids that I used to get spanked, and it was pretty traumatic at the time. My kids think it's funny. They're like, "spank me, daddy." I'm like, you clearly have never gotten a real spanking before. No, dude, don't spank me. My grandma had a wooden paddle that was just for spanking. James asked, did it have holes in it? Did it have holes in it to leave marks? My dad said at school they'd have these paddles with holes in them so they could hit you faster. Oh, there's not as much air resistance. People are fucking sick. We really slapped the shit out of these kids. We put some holes in this fucking paddle — yeah, that'll fuck them up real good. They'll keep their mouths shut in class.
They'll tap my heart, and then my ass. I wish Gabrielle Bernstein would have taught me the value of tapping my ass. It's better if someone else taps it. It hits! And then it's done consensually — you don't want just anyone tapping your ass, like someone feeding you like a pig. Nobody's really watching for the Mario Kart gameplay anyway. That's just kind of what gets you in the door.
Don't you fucking fall off, Luigi! Damn it, I was in the room. Oh, I'm third! Holy shit! Yes! I'm coming! I'm second! No! Wario? Fuck you, Wario. I mean — I love you, Wario. Come get close and snuggle. Shit, stay on. Oh yes, gotcha, bitch! Oh, we're off this — I'm about to reset the console. We're off it! Yes! Let's go. Oh, thank god. Hell yeah. Oh, I'm not in last place! Yes! There you go, James! Yeah! That's just as good as winning right there. Right? That's just as good as winning. I think it's because we both tapped our ass before. Oh, I'm going to keep doing that.
Kids, Curse Words, and Detention
Someone said the first time her mother heard her curse, she was playing Zelda. She's like, "Shit!" — and her mom was right behind her. When I was in fourth grade, I got detention for making the computer sing. The old Macs — you could make them sing. And I got detention for making it sing "Get off my test computer." The computer was like, "Get off my test computer," and I'm like eight years old. That's so smart, honestly.
Sun Worshipping and Saying Thank You
James and I are into all these spiritual practices like... like butt slaps. What do they call that other one? There was a book that I read called The Tao of Sexology, and I think they call it sun worshipping. It's when you bend over and you spread your cheeks into the sun. I thought that was just tanning your butthole. No — you do it until you feel the warmth. It's supposed to be good for your prostate, in that book's telling. Oh my god, I need to try that. It's actually really cool. And it's convenient, because my neighbors built this house with windows that look right into my backyard over my bed. You can just point right at them.
Actually, "sorry" is not the right word. I say I have empathy — I empathize. James had a better idea: just say thank you. Thank you, James. Thank you. That's really good. I was thinking about how when we bump into someone in public, we say sorry. Just say thank you instead. Oh — thank you! Unless you feel like really crying into somebody. Ooh, thank you. People might get the wrong idea from now on. Thank you for that good ass video. Yes, thanks for those good vibes. I can see how some of you do that all the time.
I'm sure somebody has died playing this game before. I'm sure. Fuck! Oh! God! There you are — you're like halfway into a car. Imagine: I was just playing Mario Kart, what the hell am I doing here? I want to die having sex. Oh shit — I learned that's how Matthew McClane died. James was just about to say the same thing — we both listened to that same book. That is awesome. Me too.
Seventeen Years to Get Another Invite
Man, I don't know if they're going to want to have me back after this, I've got to say. It's like when someone invites you over to their house and they're like, yeah, I'm not so much about you coming back over again. This time was okay, but... not so much. My friend invited me to join his family for spring break in Myrtle Beach in 2004, and I was such an ass. I pissed everybody off. It took 17 years to get another invite. I just got an invite again this year, and I was really grateful for that. So I'm really the winner here. I'm teaching Zen — I'm the Zen master in last place. God dang it! I need to learn curse words in different languages so I don't have to keep saying the same words. I think one phrase I picked up means "fuck your mother" in Russian. And I learned how to say...
...I learned how to say "take my penis and spit it out." Noble silence. I swear. We swear into noble silence. If I ever have a spiritual retreat, we will cuss and then have noble silence. We will cuss, say fuck 100 times, and then we're going to be quiet. We're going to spew filth — and then we're going to allow space to feel it. Yes, that sounded dirtier than it was meant to be.
Say Yes Instead of No
No! Yes. Say yes instead of no. I put a video up one time where I said I noticed during sex I say yes a lot. Yes, yes! Like — what if I conducted my whole day like that? Swing around a corner: yes! In traffic: yes! I've been mostly saying no. No! Yes.
Y'all motherfuckers need to pray harder! Thank you! Y'all motherfuckers need to pray harder — and root harder, because God is not hearing, clearly. I like to think of it the way people say it: God has three answers to prayer — yes, no, and not now. Maybe God's like, "not now, James." I can feel that.
Snowmen and Mr. Burns
I'm going to say fuck you if I run into another one of these snowmen. Just imagine the people that decided to put those down. Dicks, right? God. It's like Mr. Burns from The Simpsons. Right? Let's fuck with them. What should we do? Let's put in a snow level and we'll put little snowmen everywhere. Let's make these kids hate snowmen, in the fucking middle of the world. God damn it, Dan, I hit another snowman. Watch your mouth, son.
On kids and cursing: my kids have not said fuck around me yet, because they haven't heard me say it. But oh my God, if my daughter was just to be like, "fuck this," I would laugh so hard. I would die. Laura would be so mad, though. James has got Jack saying "damn it." He was in the video game store the other day and knocked something over. He's like, "damn it." The guy at the counter looks up, and James is just laughing. That's my boy.
Y'all were praying your ass off that game. Thank you. Thank you, thank you. Alright, butt slap. If I tap over the hole, then I get both cheeks in the face at the same time.
Ableton, Melodyne, and My Deadmau5 Rant
James told me, "You know I make music, right? I can make electronic music." I asked what program he uses: Ableton Live. Oh nice — I actually have four albums out myself. He didn't believe me. "You really? No you don't. Is it acapella?" No, I mostly don't sing. The only lyrics — I have one song where I drop the beat and I'm like, FUCK! And then the beat continues. It's all electronic. James said he's going to get Melodyne and start up again. I stopped doing video games and did music live streaming and production for a year. And then — have you heard of Deadmau5? I was watching Deadmau5 live stream PUBG and I'm like, this fucker needs to make music instead of streaming PUBG. Get off PUBG and make me another song. There I was streaming music while he's just streaming PUBG, and I realized: Deadmau5 needs to stop making fucking PUBG streams, and I need to play video games. Because he's a god at making music, and I make awesome gaming streams. My music? I made 70 songs, and I think three of them are good. James offered, "You just need me to produce your music." Oh yeah? Thank you! I was wondering where my humility was — I think I just found it, right at the bottom of the Super Mario Kart standings.
James Knocks Me Off the Podium
Dammit, TotemWarrior just pulled shit up in the chat. Oh no! Hold up. James just knocked me off the fucking podium. That's right — James knocked me off the podium with that red shell. How many more races? That's it — he's on the podium and I'm not. Good job, James. Well played. Not a mistake. The divine in me recognizes the divine in you. James versus me was one to one at that point. Quite a fucking banana peel. Oh, I'm gonna get him. Come here, James. Come on. I turned a star right when he hit me with the shell. Come on, red shell, bitch. Oh, come on, motherfucker. Come on. Alright, I've got three shells, he's got three shells. Did I just tie? What the fuck — it gave him first. You won. I guess you hit me first. Look at that shame. Slow down, James, make it easier. "No, no. Fuck you." Thank you, thank you. Oh, shit. Good game, James. Good game. Thank you.
Nights like this one — real Nintendo 64, real cursing, and a friend who knocks you off the podium and then reminds you the divine in him recognizes the divine in you — are exactly why I keep firing up these streams, and you can watch every one of them on my Games playlist.