Back on Mario Kart After Two Years
Here we go — we're going to play some Mario Kart online against 12 people. Damn, they fucked me up hard the last time I played this. This game is so beautiful. "That's your bitch — gotcha." Oh, I love that. For some reason I really love that Chappelle joke, the quote where he finds himself killing the mosquito like, "Gotcha, bitch." When do we need to save the bullet for the right time? All right, fire it. As soon as I'm hired, I'm fired. Come on, get them — fifth! Oh, it's the end. I got mushrooms — yes, let's go, fifth! Who said fifth? Rachel got it correct — fifth. Yeah, we got fifth. Nobody has ever been that excited in the history of Mario Kart about getting fifth. I'm pumped up. We just dropped a fifth — that's top 50 percent right there.
A Liter of Vodka and Black Ops Zombies
For me to get to a healthy weight, first I had to get sober, because I couldn't stick to a diet while I was drinking. I'd be sitting on my couch playing Call of Duty Black Ops Zombies, drinking a liter of vodka, and yeah — fuck my diet. When I'm drinking liquor and playing Zombies all night, my diet goes out the window. Then when I've got a hangover the next day, the diet goes out the window. The day after that, I'm like, why bother with the diet? I just blew the diet the last two days — screw the diet. I did that several times, and I'd be so frustrated looking at the scale. I'm five foot eleven and the scale's reading 248. Like, Jesus Christ, man, this is really not good. This is obese right now. This is not "big boned" or "maybe I like to eat" — this is obese.
Already in Detroit
There's a story of a guy who studied with a spiritual guru in India. He went to see him, and he brought enough LSD for his entire trip — a whole bunch of LSD to assist him in reaching these alternate states while visiting his guru master. When he saw his master, the master immediately asked about the LSD. He's like, "What is that in your bag there?" And the guy's like, "Oh, it's my LSD." And the spiritual master says, "Give me that." So the guy hands it over. Now, he had brought enough for his whole trip — just a tiny bit was enough for him, and he had carefully portioned the doses out and everything. The spiritual master takes all of it at once, and the guy's like, "What the fuck are you doing?" Maybe he didn't say it exactly like that, but he was surprised. He doubted him — all of his LSD at once.
And the guru said, "One who is already in Detroit need not take a bus to get there." The point being, if you are already in whatever kind of spiritual dimension you want to be in and you're hoping to get to, you don't need to take anything else to get there or to stay there. So that's how I look at it. I'm already happy, healthy, wealthy, wise, full of gratitude. I don't need anything else to help me get somewhere, because this is where I'm at. I'm already where I want to be.
I Could Tell Everyone What to Do Except Myself
I liked being a police officer because it gave me a right to go tell people what to do. The only problem was, I could tell other people what to do and get them to do it, but I had this little issue: I couldn't seem to tell myself what to do and get myself to do it. I'd be like, eat healthy, get sober — and then I'd get drunk and eat shit. And I'd be like, why can I not tell myself what to do? Just eat healthy, be a nice person today, and stay sober. I'd wake up in the morning like, damn, I'm never drinking again — I've got a hangover, I'm going to stay sober. And then around four in the afternoon my mind would just go, man, it'd be fun to get drunk tonight. Fuck it, let's order a pizza. It's like, what just happened? I can't even tell myself what to do. That's when I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, where I realized I could not just tell myself to quit drinking. I was hopeless — no matter what happened, I was going to drink again. It didn't matter if I told myself to quit. If I promised my wife, I'd still drink no matter what.
The Bus, the Van, and the Flashlight
That's what was crazy about the prison-transport job too — everything would be cool, and then all of a sudden it wasn't. We used to have a school bus, a big yellow school bus. We'd drive the kids — I say kids, I'll just say we'd drive the prisoners — to breakfast in the morning, and one second everything would be cool, then all of a sudden the whole bus — motherfuckers are throwing blows all over the bus. I've never seen a fight like this, not any fight in school, ever. Damn near every fucking kid — not all of them, there were like two that weren't — but nearly everyone punching, swinging, jumping over seats. Motherfuckers are getting thrown, and it's dark — you can barely see. And it's me and one other officer, who's got a sprained ankle and shouldn't even be working but came to work anyway. Like, what the fuck is happening right now? That scenario was just crazy.
I took whatever I could to help defend myself. I had one of those big-ass yellow flashlights, and I would carry that thing around all the time. I told them, look, y'all start fucking with me, I'm clocking motherfuckers upside the head with this flashlight. One day we were in the van instead of the big bus, and these kids just started — the whole back seat goes off, everyone's getting punched. I turn around and just start swinging. I'm like, y'all knock that shit off right now — just fucking swinging with the flashlight. They eventually stopped it, and this kid comes up to me. He's like, "Why did you hit me in the head with the flashlight?" I'm like, "Did I hit you in the head? There was a fight in the back. I was telling y'all to knock that shit off." He's like, "Well, I wasn't fighting." I'm like, "Well, I wasn't swinging at you. Why were you in the way? Why didn't you duck?" That shit was crazy.
I'm so grateful that that's not what I'm doing today. I'm damn grateful to be playing video games with y'all. Some days I've been playing this ungratefully — some days I've been feeling like it was a job. But let me tell you, I've worked some tough-ass jobs before, and I am damn grateful I'm doing this and not that.
Watch for the Shoes
The kids would all be in line out in front of the cafeteria, and one day they started lacing up their shoes. Most of them ran around with their shoes untied — they could take them off, relax, whatever. But if you saw the kids tie their shoes, that usually meant they were getting ready for something to go down. They told us that in training. They're like, you watch these kids — if you see them tie their shoes, some shit's about to go down, because they're getting ready to fight or getting ready to run. They want their shoes tied so they can go faster. So I see this kid tie his shoes in line, and it was my day to be on that tone. I'm like, "Motherfucker, if you step up out of this line, I'm gonna tackle your ass in front of all these other kids and you're gonna get laughed at. You step out of this line, I'm gonna fuck you up." And he looked at me, and he realized I wasn't bullshitting. I was ready for violence — I would have tackled that kid right in the middle of all those other kids.
That job was crazy. It was like you were fighting for your life every day. I'm so glad to not be doing that. I'm glad I did it, too — it was a really valuable experience, and it was fun. I liked the action and the adventure, and I liked the danger. Every day you came out of that prison without getting fucked up, you just felt saved. Feeling saved is one of the best feelings in the world — feeling like you just got through something.
The Statue in the Longstreet Theater
Almost all the worst stuff I've gotten into in my life, I actually put myself into it. As police officers we had our guns drawn at various points, searching buildings and things like that. And as a police officer, I almost shot a statue one day. We were in the Longstreet Theater, downtown Columbia, South Carolina, and we got a burglary call or a suspicious person call. So we're in there with guns drawn, looking around, and there was a statue that looked just like a person, and it scared the shit out of me. I damn near shot that statue. I'm so glad I didn't do that.
The Hypocrisy I Became
But for me, out of all the stuff I saw at work, the worst thing I saw as a police officer was the utter hypocrisy of it. You talk about discrimination — there is a hell of a lot of discrimination in policing from what I saw, and it's based on who you are and who you know. I never saw any direct race discrimination. What I saw was: oh, you're this politician's aide, so you can drunk drive and get a ride home, and in fact the major will come out at two in the morning to make sure nobody else arrests you. But oh, sorry, you, grad student — no, you don't get to drunk drive. You have to go to jail.
And the worst part about it is, I became the exact thing that I hated. I hated the hypocrisy of law enforcement — this person gets away with stuff because they're somebody important, and this person doesn't — and I actually became one of the people doing it. I was arresting drunk drivers at work, and then you had me with my gun and my badge, off duty, running the town myself. I'm out drunk driving, doing a bunch of dumb shit, and if I got into anything — oh yeah, I'm a cop.
I have not been arrested, but my last day at work was practically an arrest. They took all my guns and weapons off me. They surprised me — they had heard I might be violent if they attempted to fire me or have that conversation, so it was just like an arrest. But no, I've never technically been arrested. They didn't put me in handcuffs or anything either. They called me back to headquarters.
My Last Day Felt Like an Arrest
I was on duty, and there were like six or eight officers plus the captain and the major — they all jumped out of nowhere. I thought I was getting praised for making the best arrest of my career, which I had just done right before that. And yeah, they all hopped out and arrested me — well, they didn't actually arrest me, but it was just like an arrest. They all jumped on me and said, don't make any sudden movements, we're going to take all your weapons, and you're going to go have a talk with the command center.
The Dispatcher or the Corporal
Before all that, I was sitting at my desk doing a burglary report, and for some reason I had this intuition — a very clear insight into my future. And it looked like this: you can have the dispatcher, or you can be corporal. And I thought, well, fuck this job — I want that dispatcher. It was the weirdest thing. I could just see the exact future and the possibilities of it. Damn, I got dead last on that race, by the way.
At the time, everything was going great. I was on the path to be the next corporal — I was getting trained to be the corporal, I had a really good reputation at work. The dispatcher and I were just friends. She really liked me and loved working with me. And I could see the two paths in my mind. One path: you continue on the current path you're on, you'll be the next corporal, you'll be the rising star at work, you're going to be a sergeant, you're going to make really good money at this police department, and you're going to have a great career here. Or: you can have the dispatcher. But what you're going to need to do is lower your energy to match her energy. You're going to need to start bitching and complaining about stuff, drop your vibe down a bit to get on her level — and then she'll absolutely have to have you.
So I said, fuck this job, I want the dispatcher. I don't care what it costs. She was the hottest girl — it felt like it would make my entire life complete if I could bang her. And from that moment on, I swear the universe absolutely conspired to give me exactly what I decided I wanted.
Twelve Hours in Dispatch
So I started having this bad attitude, and my sergeant, quote, punishes me one night. He says, "Banfield, I think it's time for you to learn about dispatch tonight." Now, I don't know if he was trying to hook me up — if he could see more than I was aware of, if he was consciously collaborating with me or not. Maybe he could just tell: hmm, he really likes her, I'm going to put the two of them together. But he stuck me in dispatch for 12 hours with her one night, and he let the other dispatcher go do some of the basic tasks. That was one of the most intense moments of my life.
He's like, you're going to be in dispatch all night, and at first I'm like, fuck you — seriously? Being in dispatch was so shitty compared to being out on the road. So shitty. I was so pissed. But then — it was a 50 percent chance, because there were two dispatchers, and with one dispatcher I'm like, please God, no, not all night with her. But then he says — and I've never mentioned this girl's name publicly, because I feel that's the right thing to do — he's like, "You and her." I'm like, you just made my fucking life. I knew if I got 12 hours in dispatch with her, she would have to fuck me. You give me 12 hours with this girl all night, and she already likes me — it's going to be on.
Forgetting Sarah Marshall and the Deepest Depression
And that's exactly what happened. Two days after my sergeant put me in dispatch with her all night, she came over to my house. We drank all night together — a very memorable one night stand. We watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall and cried together. Oh my God, I used to say that was the best night of my life before I got married.
And two days later, I went down into the deepest depression I've ever been in — because I got just what I wanted, and I still wasn't happy. She really wanted to be with me. She was still a little hung up on the other officer, but she really wanted to be with me, and I was so miserable. I'm like, oh my God, I got exactly what I wanted and I'm not happy. In fact, all I felt was fear. I'm like, oh my God, what if I can't hook up with her again? What am I going to do with my life? Man, I was miserable. And then there were a bunch of people who were like, you pissed away the career you worked hard for years to have — for a one night stand and a bunch of drama with a dispatcher at work. Fucking right. At the time it looked really stupid — at the time you'd think that's a dumb-ass decision. Now it looks like a really good decision, because that got me out of law enforcement.
The Joystick Is a Gas Pedal
Well, wait a minute — the joystick, hold up — the joystick is a gas pedal? I didn't know that. Oh fuck, I'm all messed up. The joystick is a gas pedal. Oh my goodness, these kids have been ripping me a new ass on this game. Although some of you think most people playing are probably my age — you're probably right. Yeah, the kids are probably all playing Minecraft. Fast bullet — that's a race for the finish that I pulled off. Shit in your face! Good job, Ethan. Damn it, I tried so hard and I got 11th. If you enjoyed watching me rediscover Mario Kart between policing stories, there's plenty more where this came from on my Games playlist.