Rejection Is a Story, Not a Fact
I watched this Kobe Bryant video where he talked about how failure wasn't real — that you couldn't fail. You might not have gotten the results you wanted, but you learn, you show up, and you keep trying again. I've been applying that a lot to the idea of rejection lately in dating, which is funny because I made a video previously saying I'd never ask a woman out again. That looks ridiculous now, because I was doing that out of a place of hurt, out of feeling defeated, when it's all about the story you're telling. So I'm not sure how many times I've gotten rejected lately, because of what I'm looking at instead — and just like basketball, if you're dating, this will be really helpful for you to stop making rejection such a serious thing that's supposed to hurt your feelings.
I go to the gym and I'll try to hit as many three-pointers as I can as fast as possible. I try to hit 100 — 100 three-point shots. It generally takes maybe 400 or 500 shots for me to hit 100 three-pointers, and I can usually do that within an hour. And that's at my best three-point percentage. Sometimes I'll make three, four, five three-pointers in a row, but then sometimes I'll miss 10 or 15 in a row. The other day I missed 10 or 15 in a row and I was kind of dumbfounded. But I don't go around thinking the rim rejected me because my shot didn't go in. I think: I need to grab the ball and shoot again. There's nothing personal about it. It's not like, "Oh, this basketball hoop doesn't like me," or "This basketball hoop should be bigger or taller." I choose to take a shot at the hoop with the conditions it's in. I line up and take the shots I want to take, and if everything on my end goes well, the shot goes in.
Dating Is Both People Taking Shots
I'm thinking of dating the same way now. I found a woman on Hinge who I really liked and got her phone number maybe nine months ago. You could tell the story that she rejected me. I sent her a rose on Hinge and I didn't hear back from her. Now, something could happen tomorrow, but at this point I don't even know whether the shots went in or not. And I know it gets harder with dating, but if you think of it like basketball — and I'm not saying that women are basketball hoops — if you want to take the analogy further, women are essentially taking shots at us too. To make it more like basketball, it's like both people are shooting on hoops that are moving and rotating. Dating is so much harder than shooting three-pointers. And what really makes it hard is telling these stories about how he rejected me or she rejected me.
In my experience, women are often much more sensitive to rejection than men are, and that's why women will often go to almost any length to avoid the risk of rejection. But I've come to believe it's especially important as a man to be insensitive to rejection. Don't even consider rejection. It's not even real. Rejection is a story you're telling — it's not a fact. If I ask a woman if she wants to go out with me and she says no, that's not rejection. That's my shot bouncing off the rim. I go ask another woman, "Do you want to go out with me?" She says no. Bounced off the rim. I go ask another woman, "Do you want to go out with me?" She says yes. It went in. There's nothing personal there. It's not a judgment of me. It's: does what I want align with what she wants? Does what I'm offering satisfy what she's looking to receive? It's not rejection, and it's not even acceptance. It's just — are two people lined up to create time together, to take space together, to work together? Does my shot go in?
It makes it so much easier to strip away the stories, because to me, rejection is all about taking things personally: "Well, I wasn't good enough. I didn't look good enough. She didn't like me." And often when someone rejects us, we try to make them wrong. I just had a woman I was dating for a few weeks tell me that she thinks I like her better than she likes me, and that I deserve to have someone who likes me as much as I like them. My mind has been trying to spin up the rejection story about how horrible this is. And it's like — look, say thank you. Thank you that you made a few shots with that woman. You had 12 hours in person with her and it was awesome. Then you started missing after that. There's nothing personal. She doesn't want me to take any more shots on her hoop, so to speak. She's saying, go shoot on another one. And it's fine.
I know I'm making this analogy and obviously it's rough and not perfect, but it also makes it clear how insane it is to take everything so personally. I don't take the basketball hoop personally when my ball bounces out. I think, okay, I didn't shoot the right way — and the hoop is just sitting there, while real life is harder. But at the same time, I don't get upset when the ball doesn't go in. I just grab it and try again. And this week, if I told the story of rejection, I've probably, so to speak, gotten rejected or ignored by hundreds and hundreds of women on Hinge. I have gotten a few matches, though.
The Counting Trick That Doubled My Three-Point Percentage
Here's what I've noticed made a huge difference with making three-pointers — maybe I should be a basketball coach. I literally doubled my three-pointers overnight by focusing on how many shots went in. If you can get anything out of this, you deserve to get it for spending a few minutes here: focus on how many shots go in. For my entire life, up until something magical happened about a year ago, I would get frustrated by the shots that didn't go in. I'd be like, "Damn, come on, man. I tried so hard and it didn't go in. I suck at three-pointers." Then I'd shoot again, miss again, and it would just be this frustration loop. There'd be a little bit of relief when one shot went in, but then there'd be this fear: "Well, I'm probably going to miss the next one." My three-point percentage for most of my life was lucky to be 10%.
I instantly doubled my three-point percentage when I started doing one thing: I started counting the next shot I would make. When I step up to the basketball hoop to take the first shot, my mind is chanting "one, one." I shoot the shot, and if it goes in, I celebrate and say, "Yes, that's one. Two." Every shot I take: "two." If I miss, I go back and shoot for two again. I'm looking for that second shot. Sometimes I'll miss 10 or 15, and often in the beginning I'm just chanting "two." I'm obsessed with the next shot that's going in. I don't care how many shots I have to fire — all I'm focused on is that next shot going in. Instead of my mind going, "Oh, I missed that shot, oh, I suck," it's: "Two." Bounce off the rim, grab it. "Two." Bounce off the rim, grab it. "Two." Airball — go grab it as fast as possible. "Two." Then it goes in. "Yes! Three." Shoot, three goes in. "Yes! Four." Goes in. "Five." "Six." All of a sudden, I find I've never made this many three-pointers in a row before. Sometimes I'll make four, five, even six three-pointers in a row. I know, right? I should get off YouTube and go into the NBA — although it's easy to shoot three-pointers when there's not somebody six foot five putting a hand in your face trying to block the ball. I'm five foot eleven, and it's pretty easy to shoot three-pointers on an open court where nobody's harassing me, though I do try to shoot as fast as possible.
Chanting for Wife Number Two
So what would happen applying this philosophy to dating? "Twenty-one, twenty-one." Let me get Hinge out and send another like — oh, I got a new like on Hinge. I've never gotten this many; literally somebody just liked my profile right now. Let's see. Oh, she likes kids — doesn't have kids and wants kids. All right. "Two." And she looks cute. Dang. My profile must have kicked it up another level, because I'm actually getting some inbound likes for the first time. Now, I don't really care as much about body count. I care about "two" — wife number two. All right, who's it going to be? The next woman on some list I've had sex with would be more short-term and practical, but when dating, all I'm shooting for is "two, wife number two." And unlike three-pointers, I do want to stop at wife number two.
I hope this is helpful to some of you who sit there like me a month or two ago. I'm so glad that I did ask a woman out after all, because sometimes you tell this story about how you're being rejected when a woman says no. And obviously this can all apply for anyone — gay, straight, old, young, whatever. These ideas apply just the same. I'm just personally a man seeking a woman, so I'm speaking from my point of view. But I have women get rejected by me also. There are some of these women where I just don't see anything — and since I'm putting this out publicly, it's safer to just not say anything specific — but I'm like, man, there's just one thing here that's a total dealbreaker where I wouldn't even consider dating you because of it. And it's the same with most of them; I have to pass on almost all of them. But I'm not rejecting them. They're taking shots.
Rejection Goes Both Ways
Those women are like, "Ooh, look at this handsome guy that's a YouTuber that wants kids!" And I'm like, no — get out of my basketball hoop. Off the rim. Airball, airball. And I don't see it as me doing something awful when I'm saying, "No, thanks." It's just, "No, I'm not attracted to you at all yet. No thanks." It's the same thing in reverse. If a woman is not interested in me, it's nothing personal. She just looks at me and thinks, "Now you're going to talk about me in your videos, aren't you? No, thanks." "Oh, you said you love me already? No, thanks." "Oh, you want to move too fast? No, thanks." Those are just shots going off the rim. My only focus should be on getting it in — twenty-one, or "two," however we're counting. Or if it's kids: "three," get kid number three out here. However I want to count, the relentless focus should only be on the objective, and there's no attention paid to rejection. None.
Take All the Shots
I heard a great story on some video recently about a guy who would tell every woman, "You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen." According to the narrator, this was a guy who was pretty unattractive and in poverty. And one day this guy shows him pictures of this beautiful woman that he slept with. The guy asks, "What happened?" And he says, "One day I finally got lucky." That's how you should look at it: take all the shots.
Sometimes your shot might go in — "Oh yes, I really like this girl," or this woman or this guy or whoever — and then you change your mind. It's like, "Whoops, nope, shouldn't have gone there." And that's okay too. If we take away the idea of rejection and judgment on us or on them, you're just taking shots, hoping to get it in. And that's nothing serious. You miss, you go again. Sometimes you're getting them all in one day with one person, and they're all missing the next day. Move on. Take shots somewhere else.
And I don't get to know you enough. If you've spent this much time with me here, you deserve to have me get to know you. Tell me your story, tell me your situation, ask me a question, send me a DM, give me a video topic. I only read comments inside my community, and it's very affordable — you can join the Jerry Banfield Family and message me directly, and this can be a two-way thing where I know you and you know me. You can even make a video and send it just to me to watch for feedback. I would love that.
And if you don't join, then I'm just taking shots and it's bouncing off the rim — and that's fine, because all I care about is giving the best help I can for free. We've had people join four days in a row, and the last two took annual memberships straight off the bat. So why can't I use that same approach at dating? If this mindset helps you, there's plenty more where it came from on my Dating playlist.