How I Lost My Edge
In my 20s, I was a police officer, and I became absolutely outstanding at dating. I met a beautiful woman and was with her for 15 years, and we had an amazing relationship. I had my dating game down — and then something happened. Over the last 15 years, I got sober, and I focused on being a dad and a husband. At some point, I decided I should optimize for being a safe man, because it seemed like, at least in my perception, some people saw me as a dangerous man in my 20s: willing to go out and be on the streets with my gun and badge, willing to risk my life to serve. With women, I was after what I wanted — I wanted to get laid, and if we weren't working on that or advancing toward that, I wasn't spending time with you. I was a man with a lot of passion and a lot of energy, who'd talk a lot of shit, who would speak with a lot of force, relentlessly argue, and go for everything I wanted.
Then, over years of being with my ex, I took in all this programming from online. My ex's family is pretty ultra liberal, and they tend to all dominate the men — the men are to be seen and not heard, while the women facilitate everything and talk about everything, and the men are supposed to just go off by themselves or sit there quietly. I was in that environment for a while. Then I got divorced, and I was very disappointed to find myself going around feeling like I'm such a nice guy — I love women, I respect women — and getting nowhere with it.
The Queen Showed Me the Pattern
If you watch my whole dating saga with the queen on my Jerry Banfield channel, I did videos about this — the ones titled along the lines of "She Asked for Space, I Made It Worse" and "I Thought I Was Respecting Her, She Felt Rejected." Those two are about the woman I've been dating. She says she wants an authentic man — a man who's got emotions, who can love, who's emotionally intelligent, all that stuff. But when I ask her about the guys she dated before, she describes guys who are clearly selfish jerks. For example, one guy never pays for her. He lives a 30-minute drive away, never pays for an Uber, never offers to pick her up once — she doesn't have a car — and yet she puts up with that and dates him for months. Then, when she dates me and I'm all emotionally open and sharing my feelings, she needs space and doesn't find that attractive.
She was at my house, and she'd said she wanted to take things slow. I said I'd help her take things slow. I assured her my house is a safe space, that I wouldn't try anything — "I know you said you'd take it slow." Then she tries to kiss me, and I back off, saying, "Oh, you said you want to take it slow." And she goes, "Yeah, you're right, I'm not ready yet." And then I feel miserable when she leaves. This woman wanted to kiss you. You've been with 20 women before. You know what it's like when they want to be with you. What are you doing? I felt horrible. She pulled away for a week, and I asked myself: what is the common theme here? What do I need to learn?
What I really feel bad and disgusted about is this: at what point did I stop being a man and start being this harmless nice guy? Ew. That disgusts me. 25-year-old me would be disgusted with the guy who's been dating after divorce, going around acting like I'm this weak little man who doesn't have an incredible force behind him in everything he does.
I Don't Take Anything Slow
I've been dishonest with my dating — telling women I'll take it slow. I don't want to take anything slow. I made six new YouTube channels this year, starting from scratch. I've uploaded 453 videos. I'm not taking YouTube slow. I don't take dating slow either. I've been with 20 women before; I know how it works. I don't need to take it slow. If I like you, let's progress. If you don't want to progress, then go waste some other guy's time, because I've got videos to film, I've got kids, I've got money to make, and I've got the Jerry Banfield Family — people who want to message me, who want to talk to me, who are paying to talk to me. I don't need to waste my time with someone who's going to play games with me and who doesn't want to open up.
I don't want to be with a woman where I'm not going to be either the leader or a true equal. I'm never going to be in a position again where I'm the submissive, with my ex telling me what to do and running my life, then trying to emphasize little areas where I have a bit of power so I don't feel totally dominated. And I've noticed something: I've talked to some of my friends, including women I've been friends with, and when they talk about the guys they've dated, I'm like — those dudes sound like me in my 20s. Exactly like me. And those are the dudes they're dating.
Putting It Into Practice at Yoga
So what does this look like concretely, in person? It looks like me going to the yoga studio a whole bunch of times and sitting next to some beautiful woman without even starting a conversation with her — where women are starting conversations with me more often than I'm starting them with them. That's weak. To me, a strong man has no sense of rejection. Now, I will respect it if a woman is giving me social cues that she's had enough time talking to me. My time's important. I'm out. I'm not wasting time talking to someone who's made it clear — okay, well, nice meeting you, bye, see you later. I'm on to the next one.
But today I put this stuff into practice. I rolled into the yoga class and I talked to every single woman I could — just starting a conversation, playing with some banter, flirting, seeing if anyone would want to do more than talk. And I felt great when I left. That's how you go to class. From now on, that's how you go to class. You don't go to class sitting there on your yoga mat like you're all in your own space, because that's dishonest. You're not just there for the exercise — there's all kinds of stuff you could do for the exercise. You're there for the scenery. Don't act like you're not. You're there to see if you can meet a woman. And I get a great workout no matter what — I enjoy the workouts — but the workout is not enough to motivate me to go there by itself.
Maybe I'm going to need to stop going to these yoga classes the next time I get a woman. Or maybe I just need to admit I'm not even a one-woman kind of guy. When I was with my ex over the years, I actually asked her if we could have an open relationship. I got crushes on other women. Maybe I'm the kind of guy who has several women and not just one. At least one woman, though, makes perfect sense.
It's time to stop being weak. It's time to stand up, take care of myself, get out there, and be oblivious — not only oblivious to rejection, but living like the only rejection is me not trying. I can walk past a beautiful woman and be like, "Wow, you're beautiful. I'd go out with you if you were single." So what if she doesn't like it? It's a compliment. I've given her a compliment. And if she's got a boyfriend and says, "Nah, I got a boyfriend" — cool. I'm not going to bother you if you don't want me taking your time. But I'm tired of being so weak and having so many women say no to me because they look at me and perceive a weak guy — now all crying and whining on my channel about how much I love her. Do you love her? Or are you being a manipulative nice guy? Is that what you're doing?
I'm Not a Nice Guy — I'm Respectful
I read No More Mr. Nice Guy and I resonated with that a lot. Because yes, I go around believing in loving and respecting everybody — except people who are doing evil. They need to be exposed and stopped. And even then, I believe in love and respect and giving people a chance to change, but everybody should see what you're doing. I believe in living a very raw and real, authentic life. And I've clearly chosen the path where being a nice guy is not going to work for me. I'm the kind of guy who's going to do it — the kind of guy who's willing to take big risks. I'm clearly not a weak, harmless guy. I'm a very strong, alive man. I haven't been sick in years. I am full of life and energy.
It's ridiculous for me to be putting out videos where I'm anything less than powerful. I filmed 25 videos yesterday. I have fantastic energy. I spent hours with my kids, I went and did yoga, and I went to a men's AA meeting. And I share even more real and more raw at the men's AA meeting. I have that whole meeting cracked up in there — they're laughing, I'm swearing, I'm talking all kinds of shit, saying stuff I couldn't even say on my channel. And I'm like, damn, that's what a man feels like.
I think of my nephew — he just turned 18, and he loves and respects me so much. I'm so grateful for it. I listen to him talk, and he talks with force. Because a man speaks with force. You've got energy and strength inside you, and people should hear it in your voice. Your voice should communicate strength. Imagine I'm approaching a woman with a timid little "oh, hi, how are you?" Shut up. Compare that to what I actually did today: I reached over to this girl in class, put my fist down, and said, "Nice job. That was a hard workout class." Do you see the force that comes from that? Instead of a meek little "hi"? I'm tired of talking like that. Tired of going around acting like I'm Mr. Nice Guy. I'm not. I'm not a nice guy. I'm respectful. I love women. I hear no and I'm out — I'm backing off. You can leave. You say no? Get out. You want an Uber home? I'll buy you one. You're not interested? Please go, because I've got other stuff I could be doing and other women I could be messaging. I'm very clear with boundaries and love and respect. But at the same time, I'm not a little wimp. I take what I want. That means I'll start a conversation. That means I'll borrow money if I need to instead of getting a job.
Leading With Strength and Empathy
Taking what I want means I'm going to say what I need to say, as well as I can, within YouTube's restrictive terms and conditions. It means I'm going to show strength all the time. It means I lead by example. And I'm proud of who I am today.
It's so funny with this. The last woman I dated — I focused for a week on her. But the one thing she really did was reveal how much I hated the way I was acting. When she said, "Oh, I want to take it slow," what I should have said is: I don't take stuff slow. I'll pace things — but if we're not advancing, I'm going somewhere else. I should not have quit dating other women. I offered that. I acted in a way that was totally weak. And now I'm getting back to how I acted in my 20s, when I had all this dating game.
But here's the thing — I was also inconsiderate and lacked empathy in my 20s. I didn't care if you didn't like the music I was listening to. I didn't care if you wanted to do something else besides go to Busch Gardens or go to dinner at Outback. We were going to do what I wanted to do. So yes, as a man, it's important to have real leadership, which is empathy and listening and connection. That is very important. But at the same time, you've got to show up with a strong presence. I don't care if a woman doesn't like me — but I have to find out if she likes me. What I do care about is not pissing away opportunities to reach out for connection. Because it's up to me, as the man, to reach out for connection.
Approaching Is My Job
It's so ridiculous, that video I put out saying I'll never ask a woman out again. I'll never ask? That's ridiculous. I literally asked a woman out right afterwards — and I dated her because I asked her out. That's how bad a place I got to: deciding I'm just not going to ask women out. In my experience, women are generally much more sensitive to being rejected. And generally — not everybody, there are all different types — the women I tend to be attracted to tend to find it attractive when I break the ice, when I approach. That's what happened at yoga about a month ago. I approached this woman. I came blasting in with confidence, with the same kind of force I've got right now. And she was like, whoa — here's an attractive man. I'm going to give him my phone number and go out on a date with him. She was very interested in me until I started acting like a weak, submissive man — which felt disgusting to me and disgusting to her. Maybe she'll see that was just a phase. Or it doesn't matter. Because I'm proud of how I'm acting now. I'm proud of showing up with my force. I'm proud of walking around being willing to talk to any woman at any time — and laughing it off if she's like, "Ew," or "Get away from me, loser." If she responds negatively to me just trying to be friendly, say hi, and give her a compliment — "Hey, you're beautiful. You want to go out?" "Ew, no. Get lost, loser." — next. I'm going to take another shot. "Hey, you're beautiful. You want to go out?" "Yes, thank you. I've been waiting for somebody to ask me. I've been waiting for this moment all my life."
Dating in 2026 Is Not Broken — Men Are
The most important thing: take inventory. In my experience, dating in 2026 is not broken. Men have been broken by all this crap we've listened to, and oppressed. If you show up as a real man, I've come to believe dating is easier than ever. I have been being weak and still gotten more dates than ever before — because there are so many single women who are desperate for a real guy, who can't wait to find one. And when they do find one, they'll put up with a lot of crap to get a shot at a man who is filled with his own strength.
You Can Change in an Instant
The good news is, once you realize this, you can start cultivating it immediately. I was talking to a family member, and he said, "You can't just change your personality." I'm like — watch me. I will change how I speak in an instant. I will start speaking with more force in an instant. I change my mind, and my personality changes immediately. This body — I've come to believe I'm the one operating it. I don't believe I even need a body to live. If I want to change something, first I need to be aware of what to change, and then I execute it immediately.
I went to that yoga class today where there were maybe five or six dudes and five to ten times that many women. I went in there telling myself: you're going to talk to as many women as you possibly can. I don't give a shit what you have to say about it. Get in there and talk to as many women as you can. If she gives you signals that she's tired of talking, immediately move on. So I fist-bumped and talked to the girl next to me — beautiful, friendly, seemed like she wasn't that interested. Move on. Talked to the girl behind me for about five minutes — seemed a little interested, not that much. Move on. Talked to the next girl. Then I ended up talking to a dude, and then had another conversation with another dude — I think I talked the longest with that guy about tennis. And that's me. Who do you think put this whole thing together? Me. That's who. That feels like me.
I'm going to start walking into rooms talking shit again, because that's the kind of dude I am — the kind who can walk into a room full of 50 people and go, "Damn, it's hot up in this bitch." Okay, maybe I wouldn't say that exactly in a room full of mostly women, but that's something I might say in a room full of dudes to make everybody laugh. I'm that dude. I'm the dude who walks in and the whole room changes. I remember that in my 20s, that was the dude I was. And I'm glad to remember today that you can turn that on at any time. So I'm making sure I bring this kind of energy to my videos going forward — that's why you want to watch them.
And if you want to message me and ask me for more details, get in the Family. If you've spent 16 minutes here with me, right now you're just a number — I don't know you at all. But you can be a face. You can be a name. You can reach me at any time. Join the Jerry Banfield Family and you can just DM me — "Hey, what do you think of this?" You can post in the community: "Hey, this is who I am." You can share your life and your questions. You can even take clips of my videos if you want to and affiliate sell my Skool community. I can help with almost everything in life — not everything, but a lot of stuff.
If you want to follow the whole saga of me getting my edge back, it's all in my Dating playlist. Now get out there and be your best self.