I've watched a bunch of videos about cold approaching women. If you're new to that term, it means just walking up to a woman, saying hi, and seeing if you can get a date with her, or a phone number, or WhatsApp or Instagram or whatever. I watched so many videos like that. And I used to cold approach like crazy in my 20s — anywhere, anytime, at the gym, at the grocery store, at work. When I was a police officer, you bet I was at work getting phone numbers in uniform constantly. One time, the security guard gave me her phone number over the radio during the shift. The corporal and another officer were standing around like, "What?" She said, "Can you call me to follow up about this case?" Why? Because I hit on her in person. That's how I used to roll. I was always cold approaching, any time. But back then, I wasn't often as direct.
Recently I watched this new guy I just found — this dude's pretty cool. His name is Alex Leon. He did something like 100 cold approaches and made a video about it, and I thought, I can do that. After watching his videos, I said to myself, all right, it's time. I need to get out there. I just switched the routine in my head — I'm almost like a robot about it: you're going to get out there and cold approach starting today. This was a couple of days ago. I watched the videos and thought, cold approach now. The first woman I see that I'm attracted to who doesn't have a wedding ring on, we're going to try it. I'm not cold approaching a woman with a wedding ring on — she's got a husband. Maybe it would be a compliment to her, but I'm not doing that.
My First Cold Approach at the Yoga Studio
So that day I had a dentist appointment, a teeth cleaning. It was really nice — great conversation. Then I went to a yoga studio I don't usually go to, because after the dentist I couldn't get to the one I usually go to on time for the class. I walked in and there were two beautiful women at the front desk. I didn't have time to fool around with a cold approach right then — I was going to do my yoga class. Afterwards, I'm looking around thinking, I'm cold approaching someone. Who's it going to be? I ended up paying and talking to the woman at the front desk with my credit card, and she was being a little flirty, a little friendly. Here's your cold approach. Go for it. My mind kept objecting — but she's at work! — and I told it to just shut up and go for it.
The main thing with a cold approach is just acknowledging and being honest and direct. I don't believe in indirect, which I've done so much over the last year. Indirect sucks — you're trying to act like you're talking to this woman for a different reason than why you're actually talking to her. To me, direct cold approach is the way to go. Hi, I'm talking to you because you're beautiful and I'd like to get a date with you. We don't necessarily need to do it that fast, but that's directness.
So after she checked me out and got my class booked, I said — and this was what changed; I would not have said this in the past. I might have tried to continue some dumb conversation, figuring, oh, she's at work. But no, this time I said, "You're friendly and really cute. What are the odds you're single?" And she said, "High." Immediately after that, I said, "I would love to have a date with you." She said, "All right, I'm at work — we'll continue this conversation outside of work. I've got your information." And she ended up emailing me her phone number. I set up a date with her that night.
I'm like, wow. I literally spent $7,500 on matchmaking to get 12 different matches with women, and I can just walk up to a woman for free — a woman I was seeing anyway at the yoga studio — and get a date. Now, I don't know anything about her except that she's pretty and friendly at this point, which is more than I know about my matchmaking dates. I actually have another matchmaking date scheduled on the same day that I'm also going out with this woman I met totally for free. And literally all I had to do was be honest and direct. So cold approach absolutely works. It also works to not waste your time.
Honest and Direct, Anytime, Anywhere
Sometimes honesty scares people; other times people appreciate it. At the yoga studio now, and anywhere when I'm walking — with one exception: if I'm out with my mom or my kids, I'm not going to cold approach. But if I'm out by myself, I'm going to cold approach anytime, anywhere I see a woman I'm attracted to who doesn't have a wedding ring on. "Hi, how are you? You're pretty. Can I talk to you for a second?" Or, "Hey, you're pretty. What are the odds you're single?" That's my favorite line currently, with something first to initiate the conversation — like "Nice night for a walk" from Terminator, or anything to open. If a woman's walking, it might need to be very quick: make sure I have her attention, then say, "You're beautiful. What are the odds you're single?" That's what I care about knowing. If she's not single, I don't need to talk to her. If she's not interested, she may make something up, or say "pretty low," or something to get rid of me. And if she does, don't even think of it as rejection. Think of it as: at least you tried.
I'm willing to get rejected as many times as it takes. I'm willing to miss shots as many times as it takes, because I felt so good after I walked out of that yoga studio and then set up the date that night. The next day I'm like, that was so awesome. I literally was somewhere I was going anyway, and I got a date out of it with a woman I know is pretty and friendly. This feels like a superpower.
Some of y'all have been saying I should record my cold approaches. I'm not recording my cold approaches. That can be illegal in Florida, depending on how you do it, and it's just creepy. But I will review all of them. What I've started doing is filming shorts right after I do a cold approach, kind of reviewing it. On the cold approach with this woman at the yoga studio, I was actually a little inefficient. I explained that I was trying to be more direct, I talked too much, and I should have dipped out of there even faster. But it's okay — I still got her number and set up a date, even though it wasn't the perfect cold approach.
Then there's the question of women on their headphones — what do I do with that? I don't know about stopping somebody who's on their headphones, but why not? What if the woman is single and she'd love to be interrupted and get a date? The way I see it, cold approach is actually doing the single women a favor. Sure, maybe some women don't want to be cold approached, but they'll usually make that clear. There's nothing that prevents you from going up, saying hi to someone, and asking, "Hey, are you single? Do you want to date?" That's friendly. And it's tough for women, because guys these days don't often approach, and women often don't want to approach either. In my experience — this doesn't apply to everybody, I'm just saying generally — women are more often sensitive to rejection, and it's up to me as a man to be the one who's willing to get shot down over and over again until I ask the right woman: "Hey, you're beautiful. Are you single?" She says yes. Date. Nice.
This woman looked so happy that I asked her for her information. And sure, someone else might be a little annoyed, but life gives us little annoyances all the time. I'm sure it's worth it to have some little annoyances from people who aren't interested — that's fine — when what's really worth it is helping someone else have a great day. I imagine this woman went home from work thinking, that's so awesome. I'm so single. It's so nice. Clearly I was attractive and interesting enough for her to want to go out with me — otherwise she wouldn't have sent me her phone number. That feels so good for me, but it also feels good for her: she's got a date on the calendar. It's good for both of us, and it's good for everybody else. How long can the world handle Jerry Banfield being single out here cold approaching?
The Resistance Is All in Your Head
I know there's resistance. I know you might watch cold approach videos and think, that's crazy. I thought, well, I'm going to get arrested — I can't just go out and talk to women. All right: you're not going to get arrested if you're saying, "Hi, you're pretty. Do you want to go out with me?" You're not going to get arrested for doing that. Now, if you're following some woman around who's just trying to run away from you, that's different. If a woman says, "No thanks, don't talk to me," and you keep talking, that's different. But there's no reason you can't say hi out in public. And most of the time, if somebody really doesn't want to talk to you, they're going to shut it down immediately, as soon as you say hi — so you're not even going to get a chance to do more than say hi when someone's resistant.
I've noticed lots of times the exact opposite of what we fear: when you do the exact things that will work in life, our mind puts up all kinds of BS resistance. I've used cold approach so much — I've cold approached in all kinds of awkward, funny situations — and I never had any problems. In fact, I've had more problems being indirect, trying all these indirect ways of approaching, like handing a woman my book with a phone number in it. I'll tell you, that never worked. But it did generate complaints. How crazy is that? Using some indirect approach generated problems, but just being direct never has for me. I haven't done a whole lot of this yet, and that's exactly why I'm sharing it: you don't need to be a cold approach expert. You don't need expert cold approach training. You just need to be honest. Why are you talking to this woman? I'd like to get a date. Well — just be honest.
To me, there's a certain level of self-respect I have when I'm honest. When I have an indirect conversation with a woman and end up wishing I had gotten her phone number, I lose respect for myself. When I have a direct conversation with a woman who ends up being married — one where I couldn't tell, because she didn't have a wedding ring on — I feel good, because I know she's married and it wasn't going to go anywhere. At least I know that. At least I don't walk off feeling like, well, what would have happened?
The goal is ultimately both to feel good about what I'm doing and to be out there reaching out for connection. With every woman I ask if she's single and wants a date, I'm reaching out for connection. I'm offering that maybe there's a possibility we could have a beautiful life together, and kids, and a family — I'm setting that possibility up with every single cold approach. And once I get a girlfriend, I stop cold approaching after that, because I don't want to cold approach the rest of my life.
Breaking the Seal
I do feel so grateful I broke the seal. Now I just feel so comfortable, because I don't have to think of pickup lines. All I need to do is be honest: I'm talking to you because you're really pretty, and I'd like to know if you're single. Look how simple that is. And it's so manly. A lot of us as men have been tricked into not being manly — into being afraid of rejection. That was me a couple of months ago: oh, I'm never going to ask a woman out again. No — you're going to ask women out over and over again until you get one.
And I would love it if women approached me. I love when women approach me. I love it. At the yoga studio, I've had a number of women over the years start conversations with me. Even if it was a woman I had no interest in, I would still love the compliment of a woman asking, "Hey, are you single?" Actually, I remember when I was in grad school — I had just gotten a girlfriend, a beautiful girlfriend, my now ex-wife — and this grad student didn't know that. She was walking with me and started asking questions, like whether I was single. It was just the biggest compliment. Even though I was in a relationship, it was the biggest compliment. I'm like, wow, this girl likes me and wants to go out with me. I love that. I would love it if women were out here cold approaching. I don't care — all women. I would take all the compliments.
I've even had gay guys approach me. There was a gay guy in the grocery store one day, and he just started talking to me. He's like, "Hey, what are you, a runner?" I'm like, "What? Why would you ask if I was a runner?" He's like, "Well, look at your calves." I'm like, "Oh, I play tennis." He's like, "Oh, okay." He could tell I wasn't interested, but I still left feeling validated. I'm like, look at this guy cold approaching me — respect for him. And then I left the grocery store — this was like two months ago — thinking, why am I not doing this? Why am I not doing the exact same thing? Now, with women it's a bit different: I'm probably not going to comment on a woman's specific body parts. I'll say something general, like "You're beautiful," "I love your style," "Your hair looks nice," or "You look like you spend a lot of time in the gym" — something a little bit less aggressive than the gay guy talking about my calves.
Direct Is Not Creepy — Indirect Is
I'm so grateful, and I just want other guys to know: there are women who will be really excited for you to approach them. They'll take it as a compliment that you were interested in going out with them. And if you can just be direct and honest about it, it doesn't come off as creepy. What's creepy is when you're being indirect and you feel weird about it. I don't feel weird being honest. "Are you single? Will you go out with me?" I'm just asking for what I want. If the answer is no — great. Next. No problem. If the answer is yes — good. We're going to investigate that further.
Talk With Me Every Day
If you enjoyed this, you can talk to me more — I think you would love talking to me if you enjoyed listening to me talk. Go to jerrybanfield.com: I have new lifetime chat access directly on my website, where you can chat with me the rest of your life in one single chat interface. There's a leaderboard too. I just set this up within the last couple of days, and I tested it to make sure it works — Map Technical Forecasting just bought the lifetime chat and is on the leaderboard today.
You can also have a Zoom call or a phone call with me. If I'm online, you can just pay and talk to me — say you have some urgent thing you'd like to talk about within the next ten minutes, you can pay with your card or with ICP and jump right into a call with me for ten or thirty minutes — or you can book one ahead of time if you want to as well.
I've also got a community you can pop in and join the Jerry Banfield Family, where you can DM me and everything. And anything you spend directly on my website — outside of the community and the Zoom call booking — puts you on the leaderboard, and I'll show you off. It's anonymous by default, but if you put your name in there, you'll be on there.
I'm here to support you and to help you with dating every day — you can follow every one of these adventures on my Dating playlist — and I hope to see you on the leaderboard soon.