I want to see if I can beat Super Mario Brothers — the original one from Nintendo. I want to see if we can beat this in an hour, because basically you can't screw up on this one, and it's available to anyone who has Nintendo Switch Online. And right away — oh, all right, so look — oh no, I screwed up. But check this out: you can go back on it. You just hold back on these buttons and you scroll back to before you fucked up, and there you go — look, it never happened. It's like it never happened. Oh look, I did it again. So I'm interested to see how the play experience is on this, too — like, will it even be any fun with being able to just scroll back in the game and undo whatever mistakes you made?
I've never beat this game so far, but I think today might be my day. Today could be my magic moment to beat this. This was, I think, the first video game I ever played. I played this in 1980-something when I was living in Japan with my family, and I remember you can still go through the roof on this one — so we're going to get that going.
Running on Top of the Level
Oh yeah, look at this — we don't even need to play properly. We'll just run on top of the level. Look how easy that is: hold A and run. Oh damn, I'm going faster now, aren't I? Oh shit, I'm going so fast, dude. He's hauling ass. I didn't even know you could do that. All right, let's see how fast we can get through this game — we'll just go straight to level four. That's cool, you can go fast as hell. Oh my god, I'm going fast — oh shit! No, just kidding, I didn't do that. Look, I didn't even do that. No, I didn't do that either. Oh shit — now, dude, I had to go back like five times.
These levels are so easy on Switch, it's a crime. It's kind of a crime they let you play it this way. Gary in chat told me: don't skip back. Fine — now we've got to beat this for real. I've never beat this, and they just let you do it.
My Warzone Wallhacks Theory
That gave me an idea, though. If Warzone just made everybody's account have hacks — that's how they should do it. I figured it out: everybody should just have hacks in Warzone, and then it would be an even playing field if everybody was hacking. Oh, gotcha bitch. If everybody was hacking! Fuck, I'm ass at this game — I mean, I haven't played it in like 30 years, so what do you expect? They should just let everybody in Warzone have hacks and just be like, this is how the game's coded, this is how it works: you have wallhacks, you can see everybody, everybody has aimbot — now we'll see who's really good. Shit, wouldn't that be fun? I would play Warzone if they just made it so everybody had hacks. Fuck, I'm ass at this game.
Duke Nukem and King Koopa
Somebody in chat asked what my favorite retro game in childhood was. Duke Nukem is up there — it might be Duke Nukem. Fuck my mother! Oh hell! Oh God! I'm coming! Oh — there we go, got it. Right — look how good I did that level. Look how good I did that level; I killed that shit. I really liked Duke Nukem — Duke Nukem on N64 was a hell of a lot of fun. That was the first game my brother and I could co-op and really have fun playing.
Is that Bowser? Is he blowing that shit? Nah — King Koopa is coming down soon, that's who that is. Can I hit him with these balls? Oh, gotcha bitch. Nice. My god, I'm making this look easy — we're about to beat this in like 15 minutes. I didn't know you could turbo jump. We're just really letting it out right now. When you don't care whether you live or die in Mario, you don't even have to try.
My Mario Ego Died Today
Oh yeah, that's a lot of jumping. There's a hell of a lot of jumping. Don't tell me I died — I didn't die. Real Mario brothers don't die, dude. And then it played that death sound twice in a row. Don't play that death sound again. You're not allowed to fucking play that sound again, son of a bitch. Now let me show you how far back this can scroll — we're going to scroll all the way back to before I died. Oh shit. Ah, my Mario ego has been destroyed, guys. I have no more Mario ego. It died today. Bonio.
Oh yeah, we're keeping the speed on. Shit, I need to find other languages to cuss in. Fuck, fuckity fuck fuck fuck. No — duck the fuck down, Mario! Oh my god, we almost made it, guys. We almost made it. Oh, I suck. I could already hear it: "Jerry, this isn't even fun to watch, all you do is die. Damn it, I'm unfollowing — I'm going to watch somebody who actually knows how to play this." Duck duck goose shit — how do you do this? That's tricky little dicky, huh? I've got to get more creative with my cussing, because I've used all the cuss words already. What the fuck does one do here? I didn't realize this was going to be a swear-a-thon, but here we are.
Oh, got it — that was some quick reactions. That was the farthest I'd ever been in Mario, and with the rewind I was basically having a perfect Mario game — it was like Groundhog Day. And oh my god, I never knew about super sprint speed before. How did I ever play this game without this? Don't worry about that. Don't worry about that either. Oh shit — a fish fell right on me. Damn, this level got my butthole in a knot. I didn't even know how to turbo run before. What the fuck.
There Must Be Some Kind of Way Out of Here
Then came the maze level. How do I get through this level? Son of a bitch. How do I get through this level right now? I don't understand this level. I don't understand it. And I'm not going to be a little shrunk-dick Mario either. How do I get through this level? I've never played this level before. There must be some kind of way out of here, said the joker to the thief. There's too much confusion — I can't get no relief. You can't pull over any farther. He can't pull over any farther. All right, so run the bottom. This is nuts.
It'll keep repeating if you don't pick the correct ones. No shit. If you don't pick the correct ones, it'll keep repeating. Wow. But which one's the correct one, though? How do you know where the correct one is? So it's repeating the same thing right now, dude — this shit is twisting my fucking brain around. Holy shit, so it's just repeating every time. Oh my god, look — it's repeating every time. Oh my goodness — did you see that light bulb just go off in my head? This is insane right now. This just blew my mind wide open. Oh shit, I finally got it. All right. Wow. We finally did that. Good god, that was crazy hard. Now I've got a little — oh, I have to get that. Okay. Dude, I finally got it. Thank you all — that was insane. That shit was nice.
And then — yeah, right into the flames. Thank you for the help. Holy shit, that level was crazy. I don't know how you'd beat that if you didn't just figure it out on your own. And I actually abused the rewind so much I was like a hundred lives up on this. Did they have Game Genie on Nintendo? I needed that Mario cheat. Anyway — that was insane.
Why We're Doing God's Work Today
My goal is for my stream to be funny, for you to learn something or feel something. So if it's giving you some laughs, that's awesome — or maybe you didn't know what was going on and you think, "damn, he's good." Dang it. That was like eight lives right there we just lost. It's too late to use the more minor swear words now — we're stuck with fuck. Damn it, it's camping me. Fucking camping me. It's a one-up anyway, not a bigger mushroom. Son of a bitch. God, these ducks are shitting on me. That's a duck fuck is what that is.
One time when I was walking to college senior year, a pigeon shit on my face. I was so mad. Pigeon shit right on my face — it ran down my face. I was late to class because of it. I'm like, seriously? I was going to be on time until this pigeon shit on my fucking face. That shit was just dumb right there. I think cursing is funny — that's why we use curse words. And I have heard of a man who said he cured himself of cancer by laughing, so maybe we're doing God's work today.
Those are good, by the way — I just bought a veggie pizza for my family. I'm the one in my family that eats whole-plant vegan, and I buy these pizzas with the hope that maybe my wife will pull one of these out of the oven instead of ordering from Papa John's. Just saying — it's worth a try at least. Look, this was ten dollars, it has no cheese or meat or dairy or any of that shit, and it's cheaper than ordering from Papa John's. Maybe put one of these in the oven instead of ordering from Papa John's. But hey — if the worst thing my wife does is order pizza from Papa John's, I've got it pretty good. I used to love pizza from Papa John's too. I'd get drunk and I'd get one of those large Papa John's.
Who Coded This Shit?
Oh, is this another one of those repeater levels? Oh God, it is. It is another repeater level. Fuck my life. Fuck my life, dude. Ridiculous. What kind of silly shit have I got myself into? How is some five-year-old kid supposed to beat this in 1980? This shit is crazy. Oh shit — why is there an invisible fucking block right there? Who coded this shit? This is outrageous. This is silly. Flying fish. Somebody was so high when they made this game. "Let's put flying fish in this motherfucker — yeah, they won't know what the fuck's going on." No — why is there 14 seconds left and it's a swimming level? Fuck!
Oh my God, this game right now. I couldn't even beat this with a hundred lives right now. I'm done. This game is so much harder than I thought it was. I'd never beat this before, but holy shit. Kill that duck. Fuck that duck. They put blind shit you need to jump on — that's outrageous. Greg in chat said, "Mario is hard as fuck. I got frustrated as a kid." Yeah — no wonder I never beat this game. I'm like, why did I never beat Mario? Because it's fucking torture.
Evil Shenanigans and the Princess
Although — this is actually great coding, though. It is. To make a game replayable, you want it to be kind of crazy. Did I need to go down that pipe? I don't think I needed to go down that pipe, did I? Am I going to regret taking that pipe? Yes. Don't take that damn pipe. This game is evil. Evil shenanigans. Our shenanigans are cheeky and cruel; his shenanigans are cruel and tragic, which makes them not really shenanigans at all. Evil shenanigans.
And then, finally — hell yeah, give me the princess. I'm gonna fuck you, you already know. Oh, yeah! Finish him! It took me an hour to beat Mario with infinite lives and immediate playback. Holy shit. Oh, holy shit. Pump that princess. Oh yeah — I'm gonna fuck you, you already know. Somebody in chat asked, do Donkey Kong next? Oh my god, that was hard. That's what she said. Holy shit. Oh my god, I'm so glad we beat that right now. That was nuts. I'm so glad we beat that right now. That was nuts. Oh, skeet skeet, motherfucker! Oh, skeet skeet, goddamn!
So there it is: my first-ever finish of the original 1985 Super Mario Brothers, an hour of infinite lives, instant rewind, and every cuss word I know. If you had some laughs watching me get tortured by ducks, flying fish, and invisible blocks, there's plenty more where that came from on my Games playlist.