Oh, dude, that guy has a jetpack. Wait — let go, or drop Hannah? Ah, fuck it, we'll fall together. And down we went. Oh, watch that first fall. Dropper? Oh — Ronald in chat said dropper. Damn, I just missed that. I could just talk over the game, but if I talk over the game, it makes it more difficult for me to actually enjoy the game and get into it. Really, if I wanted to just enjoy a game, I'd just play it off my damn stream. Some people are like, "streaming is so much fun." Like, no. Streaming ruins playing lots of games. A lot of games are way better if you just — for a game like this — turn the lights off, be totally quiet, and focus on the game. But I'm putting on a show here. I'm just doing some secondhand sex education on this stream right now, my friends. Oh, my goodness.
What else did I think of? I thought of some other funny shit today, too. Let me get my note. Oh, my God. Yep. All right, so we've got another one.
Mom and Dad Only Hunched Twice
So, my brother and I — one day, I was in like eighth or ninth grade, he was in like sixth or seventh. My parents having sex, we used to refer to it as "hunched." Like, mom and dad hunched. Did you use that word? Did you ever refer to your parents or somebody having sex as "they hunched," like people hunch? It sounds weird. Like, who says hunch for sex? I don't even understand that. So my brother looks at my dad after school and he's like, "Well, you and mom only hunched twice," and I'm in like eighth or ninth grade right now, and I just start laughing. My brother's like, "What?" My dad and I are laughing because both of us know my father fucked my mother a whole lot of times. And that's why they had a happy marriage for quite a while. That's how they stayed married thirty-one years. I've calculated they must have had sex at least two thousand times.
Here's a question. If there was a female version of Jesus, and my wife and I were both very devout Christians — do you think if the female version of Jesus asked me to have sex with her, do you think my wife would be OK with it? That's a fun theoretical scenario right there. I'd certainly be OK with this. OK. Lisa in chat said, "I'll get offended. My faith is mine and mine alone." That's good. I figure if I take offense to something, that means I need to learn something. I need to learn something and grow and expand my consciousness. I'm glad some of you had some laughs tonight. You definitely did.
See, I've been talking, though, so I don't know what the fuck they're doing in the game right now. Since I've been talking, I have no idea what to do or what they're doing. I get the basic premise: they're out in the middle of nowhere, this is creepy as shit, somebody is wanted for murder, somebody is trying to make a porno. I think I've got a pretty good synopsis.
Jose in chat said, "I'm sure God is." Oh, dude, Jose, you just took this to a new level. I'd let God hit it however God wanted to. God is non-binary, that's right. God can really fuck every different way. That sounds good. So I got moved to the back — I wouldn't mind — and next to Josh. And I wouldn't mind if my wife had a dick as well as a vagina, like if she also had a dick. I think that could be a lot of fun. I can't believe I just said that. But I do, and I'm blushing. Holy shit. I'm glad we went there right now. I think it'd be fun if my wife had a dick. She would hate it. She would hate having a dick. I would enjoy it, though.
I Am God at the AA Meeting
Somebody in chat said Jerry has a different kind of God complex. I know. I go around to AA meetings and people are all, "I do God's will," and I'm like, "I am God." And it gets quiet. People are like, "another ten minutes in there and I would have chewed off my own..." I am God, though. I think I am God and I'm not God — both of those are equally true down here. Yeah, right. Huh. Like, sometimes I definitely feel like I'm not God, but other times I feel like I totally am God, and I think both of those are valid experiences. But I also believe that sometimes, as the creator of my universe, I make it seem like I'm not the creator of the universe to keep things interesting. Like, if you were the director of the movie and you wanted to act in it also, it would help to forget you were the director. And hell, it would help to forget you were even in a movie, wouldn't it?
Emily's new boyfriend. Nice. "Who do you think I am? Your fucking bellboy?" You did not see that coming, did you? When she said bellboy, you did not see that I was going to do that Scarface impression. Yeah, I'm really butchering that part of the game, too. I can just picture somebody typing after this is live: "Shut the fuck up while you're playing the game! God damn it, I can't hear the fucking game talking shit." Oh, my God.
For all we know, we're a microscopic germ on Buddha's ass. No, seriously. I like to look at it like I'm the CEO of a multi-trillion-cell body — that I'm like the god of the body. Oh, crap. All the cells are accountable at the end of the day to me. I decide how all the cells move. Why? Move, cells, move!
Whoa — these motion controls are pretty cool. You can move the goggles up and down, so you move the controller and the character looks down. Wait — let me see my dick. Turns out there's no dick to look down at, but fine. What am I looking for? Motion controls are cool.
Ah, Fuck It, Let's Kiss Mike
Oh, somebody is getting a little friendly. Oh, yeah — in the friend zone kind of way. I may need to check the expiration date on their big breakup. Sometimes the right choices do nothing interesting. Did I kiss Mike? Do I want to? Why would I want to kiss Mike? Ah, fuck it. Let's kiss him. Oh, yeah. Doesn't Mike have a — this isn't my girlfriend or boyfriend, is it? "Save some for later, buddy." "Endless reserves." Oh, yeah, that's my kind of dude right there. That's what I'm talking about. Did you hear that? I thought he was pissing himself for a minute. I was like, oh, dude, that was really close. That was close. Oh, they're dating. Okay, good. I'm glad I went for the kiss. Now I want to see what happens if I leave him in the way — he'd be like, "yeah, I think I pulled my neck doing that." Fuck.
Michael's making a move on the other chick, too. That's all good. All is fair until you declare monogamy. If you don't both agree to be monogamous, then it's free rein. I'm not a believer in implicit agreements that haven't been stated.
Then the therapist told me anxiety is just labeling, and asked me to identify which image in each set scared me more. I used to have a lot of anxiety and depression. I realized if I change my words, I change my life. No — not you guys. This game's got me wondering: am I more afraid of women or men? Who am I less afraid of? I don't know. This game has really stumped me on that one. Just do men. What the hell? We're going to make it short. We don't have to make a choice — we could just sit here and do nothing.
When I was drunk, I used to get up on top of buildings and look over and think about jumping. I fear drowning, like those rats I drowned in my backyard. I find heights kind of exciting. Oh, no — snakes are definitely scarier than rats. I've got to get out of here. I've killed one snake, I think, in my life. I've killed like twenty rats. Why were there snakes in there twice? Clowns are fucking scary, I'm just saying. Hey, my pleasure.
I'm afraid I've quit gaming twice, and we're not going to make it three times. We're sticking with it. Well, when I first started, there was not much love and support, and for a lot of the middle there was not much love and support either. And the funny thing is, I resented it so much, when I could have been a little more patient. I could have enjoyed it. I could have enjoyed it when you don't hardly have anybody watching, because you're more free to just do whatever you want to.
Damn, it's a year later. The game is back, and I'm next to Josh. That's how we met. Boom — butterfly effect. This game's got me fucked up right now. I'm like, what's happening? "Man, I feel like this mountain gets bigger every time I climb it." Oh, yeah, it feels the same to me, too. I love the sound of the snow crunching. Laura and I had an awesome honeymoon in Vail, Colorado.
Welcome to the Bone Zone
"Looking pretty hot today, right?" Oh, hell yeah. She's like a sleeper hit. I just want to rip that parka right off of her and make some snow angels, right? Absolutely. Is that her — his sister? Oh, that's his girlfriend. "She practically spends her entire life with your feet." Oh, yeah. You need to take her to the bone zone. Listen, dude. Bone zone. Beautiful mountain: bone zone. Any parents? Bone zone. Perfect, ripe scenario, just dripping with erotic possibilities. "You and Ashley alone at last. You've laid all the groundwork." Oh, hell yeah, it's been perfect. You've got to get it in. Now you come in for the kill. I don't know — that's not a good way to get laid. The bone zone, that is next to pound town. You've got to be ashamed. The bone zone is directly, specifically related to pound town. Oh — we got an X right here. I did that with my mind, because I'm God here.
If that turns people off, then you don't need them watching your streams — that's how I look at it. I used to be too afraid of turning people off on my stream. My thought now is, look, I'm gonna be me. I want to be all different sides of me. Sometimes I'm real polite and I talk nice; sometimes I get nasty and swear a lot and talk a bunch of dirty shit. And for the first time in years of streaming, just in the last few months, I've been able to make the change — the leap — to being all myself. Fuck, all right, that got me a little bit right there. That did get me a little bit right there. I've made the change, and now I'm like, look, if you don't like it, then that's on you, and it's okay not to like it. I listen to and start lots of stuff that I don't like. I loved watching Bill Burr's stand-up comedy, but I tried to listen to his podcast two different times, and I'm like, this is just not for me.
Thoughts on recreational marijuana? I'm a big believer. I'd say my political persuasion is libertarian. I'm like, you know what, if people aren't bothering the rest of us — alcohol is legal, and I think absolutely recreational marijuana should be legal. I think it's stupid that alcohol is legal and recreational marijuana is not. I know everyone does ask about weed with the new shirt, which is funny, because I've only smoked weed four times in my life. I got good and high at least once out of it.
That's right — y'all can have petty fights like this at home. We can't get along for ten minutes. Seinfeld did a good comedy routine where he's like, what is the point of taking a vacation? It's like, let's go spend a whole bunch of money to be miserable in a hotel together. I'm like, that's not how my family rolls — but I can relate, because it has been how my family has rolled at various points. My family takes good vacations now. My parents paid, too — eight thousand dollars for the four of us to go take a trip to the UK, and it was pretty much like that: let's spend eight grand to all be miserable in England. If you want the rest of my slow, filthy walk through the mountain — and the games I actually play well — they're on my Games playlist.
"We can get very warm." Oh, shit. Oh, yeah. Okay — see, that's what I like. That's good right there. Very warm. See, that's what you do for your woman, or your partner, or your man, whatever: "I'm gonna go take a bath." You do what they need you to do so you can get what you need to get. That's how it works.