I Failed the Pull Back Test
I had a girl I was dating that I really liked and was crazy over, and I failed the pull back test. I failed it because I didn't have this concretely in my brain. So I'm going to help you concretely understand the pull back test, hear what I did wrong, and be ready if and when this happens to you — and have some empathy for yourself if you've failed this too, because I failed the pull back test in just about every way you can fail it.
Here's what the pull back test is. If you meet a woman and she really likes you and you really like her, then often things will just escalate and continue going well. That's what happened exactly 28 days ago today. I met this woman that I really liked at yoga, and I approached her very successfully. She was clearly very into me. She gave me her phone number and planned a date with me for three days later — right on the spot, she gave me her number and we planned the date. Then we had flirty text messaging for days, voice memos back and forth. When we met up in person, she was very warm and ended up walking me back to her house. Two days later we had another date — I picked her up at her house and we had a really nice morning — and then another date at my house right after that. So in the first week we spent 12 hours together, very warm, very intense. And on the fourth date, I removed all uncertainty about my feelings. I told her I thought she was my queen. I removed any uncertainty she might have had about how I felt.
Now, in logical terms, if you're just thinking of this in man mode, you might think, well, that would be great, right? Now she knows it's safe to just love you, to work together, to be a team, to date you. No. Unfortunately, it seems that men and women have different ways of operating. These are generalizations, and this dynamic can apply gay, straight, old, young, whatever. But there's the dynamic of desire, and a healthy balance of desire works like this: you want something and sometimes you get it, but then you want it and sometimes you can't have it. So when I had that fourth date with this woman, I went over the line to where she now felt certain she could have me. She's got me, and she doesn't have to try or do anything anymore. And this is often exactly the environment the pull back test gets executed in.
The Moment I Felt Her Pulling Away
I had some intuition about it. I remember being at yoga the next day, and I could feel she was pulling away — even though we'd been getting closer and closer all week. I could feel the pullback. And I remember thinking: you need to withdraw emotionally from this woman. You need to pull back. You need to give up on this. She's pulling back, so you need to pull back too. That would have been the right thing to do — to be more distant, more non-attached, to remove her certainty that she definitely has me.
Instead, I did some things that screwed that up, because I prematurely agreed to more than I should have. I canceled a date with another woman after just two dates with this woman — and we hadn't even kissed yet. I had a date the very next day, and I canceled it. Mistake number one. I should have kept my options open. I should have gone out on that other date, especially because I wasn't even seeing her that day.
What's hard with all of this is that I wish we could just show up and be honest, open our hearts, love each other, and move forward. Maybe that happens sometimes. But unfortunately, there are these feelings we get with desire: we want what we can't have. I remember another woman I went out with this year telling me that she always wants the guys that don't want her. She wants the guys she can't have. And there it is — there's the problem.
Men Do This Too — I Did It Myself
Men can operate exactly like this as well. Do you think I wanted the last woman I slept with? She was really into me. She was nuts for me. I've never satisfied anyone in bed that much, that easily, before — she was over the top for me. But I didn't want her. I was just a little lonely. And as soon as I got laid, I thought: I've had enough. I'm good. This is not what I want. As soon as that certainty was there for me, I immediately pulled back. I thought, nah, she's not attractive enough for me; I don't want to be seen out in public with her. That's honestly where my head was at — I didn't want her anymore. And unfortunately, she then wanted me that much more. She failed the pull back test very hard herself. She was texting me all day — every hour, two or three texts. Sometimes she'd send five or six texts I hadn't responded to in hours. I finally told her, all right, look, I need some space. She gave me space for about a day, and then she was blowing up my phone again. It's funny to look back on — I can't believe I acted like that.
So the same thing happened to me, just from the other end, when I got really overexcited about the woman I've been calling the queen — the one whose story I've told across several videos on this dating channel, because there's so much to learn here. The pull back test is a reality check. It's like: okay, if they're going to pull back, I need to pull back too. And unfortunately, what people do instead is chase. I remember with that woman — the last one I slept with — I pulled back, and maybe if she'd been a little more cool about it, maybe I'd have wanted her some more. But she wasn't. She was all over me: please come see me, come over, let's just talk, let's just meet. And my reaction was — ew, no. This ironically makes me want you less. And then I did the same exact thing when the queen started pulling back on me.
I felt her start pulling back first, and I really believe that if I'd known concretely that this was a test, I'd have handled it. Think about school: if you're going into class and you know there's a test, you've prepared for it. Okay, I need to study this, I need to study that, and when the test comes, I'll know what's on it and I know I'm going to perform. I always did great in school because I knew what the test was, I knew what was on it, I knew what I needed to study, and I knew how to be ready. And now that I've been through the pull back test, I know what to do next time.
Why Having Options Is the Instinctive Defense
Some guys pass this test instinctively. And one way to do it instinctively is to be dating as many women as you can. I wish it didn't have to be like that. I wish we could just run into one person, forget everybody else, and have a beautiful love story. But apparently it's not going to be like that for me. I need to have as many options as I can — as many women as possible that I'm dating — so that I'm not that attached to any one of them, so that all of them have uncertainty with me, and so that all of them maximize their desire for me. And then I pick the one I really like, and the one that really likes me — ideally we pick each other — while more women keep coming in. It's like a sales funnel. I wish it didn't have to be so cold and transactional, and there is magic in dating for sure. But the way these emotions and these tests play out is so predictable, and there's such a game to it. There's a certain part of dating you've got to acknowledge is very transactional. It's just a game, and it's predictable and logical. Once you know the game, it makes sense. And this pull back test, unfortunately, is pretty predictable and logical.
So what did I do instead? I thought: oh my God, she's pulling away — I need to beg her and convince her not to pull away. This was on the Monday right after the day she came over and spent six hours with me at my house and we went out to eat — right after I'd handed her all that certainty.
And I'd done the same thing before. There was a very attractive single mom who reached out to me after not hearing from me for six months, and looking back, I can see exactly where I killed it with her. I killed the attraction the moment I expressed my feelings for her — which, in my mind, seems so sweet and so nice. I would want that if I were a woman. But I guess I don't make a very good woman, because they need to wonder, and it needs to feel exciting. When I express my feelings, it apparently feels boring to them. It reads as: oh well, he must not be that great — if I can have him that easily, he's not that worth having. Which is so annoying. But once you understand how the game is played — that you just have to act a certain way and then you'll win — you just accept it. You have to act a certain way, and if you act that way, you will win.
It's exactly what I did with my ex. I got the hottest wife out of all my friends — it was amazing. All my friends were like, dude, what the hell? I played amazing game. I ran amazing game. I passed the pull back test with my ex so well I didn't even know when she was doing it. Maybe she pulled back and I never noticed, because I was drinking and playing video games and doing grad school. Did she pull back? I honestly don't know, because I was sitting there drinking and playing video games as much as I could and doing grad school whenever she wasn't around. If she wasn't around, I wasn't thinking about her enough to even notice whether she was pulling back.
The pull back test is so rough if you think of yourself as this sweet, loving guy who really wants to make a woman's life nice. That should be true — but you can't tell her that. The pull back test gets initiated whenever you tell her that. Like with the single mom I went out with: we had been holding hands, she was very warm, she was very into me. I should have just shut my mouth, walked her to her car, pulled her in for a nice kiss at the end of the date, and said, see you later.
Certainty Kills the Excitement
If I had done that, she'd have been left wondering: am I going to see him again? Does he like me? Do I like him? All of that would have been running through her mind. But instead I said, hey, I really like you, I'd like to date you. And then she leaves thinking, well, I guess his social value is pretty low. Maybe she's not consciously thinking that, but she just doesn't feel the excitement anymore. It's like: all right, well, I guess it's off to find somebody else.
And then there's the cancel-plans version of this, because the single mom did the pull back test on me and I failed that too. As soon as she said she needed to reschedule, I sent a text message one minute later — no problem! Then I texted again a couple of hours later. But she was pulling back literally right after the first date, as soon as I gave her any kind of certainty about my feelings.
I read Coach Corey Wayne's book, How to Be a 3% Man, and I've riffed on some of that material in my other videos. The way I've come to see it: if the woman is going to feel desire — and I want the woman to have a great experience with me — then this is not about doing something to her. This is about giving the woman the experience she wants to have with me. Framing it that way puts this whole thing in a light that sounds nice to me: I'm trying to give the woman the romance she's been dreaming of and fantasizing about. Unfortunately, the romance I would like is one where we're both just honest, we fall in love with each other, we open our hearts, and we don't play stupid games. But that's apparently not what I can expect from most women. Maybe there's a woman out there who would be open to doing that with me — but would that be a woman I'd want?
See, here's the thing. I think of myself as someone who doesn't play games. But there are all kinds of women I could probably walk up to — women I might not be as attracted to — who would say, oh my God, he's so hot, I'll do anything for him, I'll love him. And I'd be like: you're not good enough for me. So perhaps I'm just so focused all the time on getting the woman I want that I don't even notice all the women I pay no attention to — women who couldn't do anything to get me interested in them at all. Maybe I'm so stuck in my own point of view that I actually like a little bit of the game too, and I'm just always only paying attention to women I'm really excited about while staying totally oblivious to all the others. So there's that.
But to me, if there's a woman I'm excited about, I've got to withhold expressing that. And the only way for me to withhold expressing it is to genuinely not feel it. The way to not feel it comes back to options: the more women I'm dating at once, the less I want to just give in to any one of them. And to do that, I need to generate more women I'm talking to and could date. Because when there's only one woman I'm dating — like with the queen — as soon as I canceled my other options, I got overly emotionally invested in her. I wish I'd gone out with the woman I already had a date scheduled with the next day.
When She Pulls Back, You Pull Back Too
So I've told you how to understand the pull back test and how to take preventive measures so you can pass it. Now here's where you fail the pull back test: when she says she wants space, when you can tell she's feeling like she needs to pull back, you've got to pull back too. You've got to meet her where she's at. You've got to withdraw any certainty you might have offered. And this is why it's important not to give your word on things too early. I shouldn't have said I wanted to date this woman exclusively. I shouldn't have expressed so many feelings. I shouldn't have told her I thought she was my queen. I should have kept all of that to myself — maybe told friends. And I probably shouldn't even have been thinking it, honestly, because with the vlogs I make, I'm just expressing whatever I'm thinking and experiencing.
So I see now that I need to set my life up with enough options that when my queen chooses me, she will let me know. Because from her point of view, she wants to have to pursue me a little bit. She wants to desire me. She wants to not be sure whether she has me or not.
The thing to do when she starts saying she wants space is to pull back yourself. You can look at the pull back test this way: this is her showing you that you've gone too far in being available. She's pulling back because she also wants you to pull back. She wants to pull back to verify that she can't have you. She wants to miss you. She wants to feel desire for you.
I failed the pull back test so hard with the woman I'm calling the queen because I did everything wrong to pass it. But when you can frame it as a test — and frame it as something that's likely to happen again with another woman — you can be ready. Next time, I'm going to pass the pull back test, because I'll know: oh, she's pulling back — pull back test — load the pull back test routines. Stop reaching out and texting her first. She pulls back? Let her message me first. If I don't hear from her for a few days, that's fine — I'm doing other stuff, no big deal. Pull back test: I minimize my responsiveness to her. And it's funny, because I did do a little bit of pulling back, and it worked immediately.
Same with cancellations. If she cancels a date or cancels plans: all right, cool, no big deal, let me know. Kind of indifferent. Like, it's fine — let me know when you want to hang out again, or whatever, or just a cool message. It's funny, because sometimes I notice how cool I am with the boys. They're like, oh hey, sorry, I can't make it. And I'm like, no problem. But then again, I don't have all this emotional investment with the boys. The boys are like, hey, can you do something? Yeah. Ah, sorry man, couldn't make it. All right, fine — next week. I'm not all invested like that with them.
The rough part is that you can often feel the pullback before it happens. It's like your hands are cupped and full of water, and you feel the water dripping out between your fingers. The instinct is to squeeze tighter to hold on to it. But then the water just flows out faster, because you tensed up, there are more openings, and now you're spraying the water out of your hands. That's what I did with this woman. I failed the pull back test because I didn't know it was just a pull back test.
Chasing Her Just Confirms It
There was one little moment where I passed it. On Monday, she didn't want to see me — she chose to stay home by herself instead of seeing me. I tried to play it cool. The next day she was warm and said she wanted to see me, but then at the last minute she had a panic, a breakdown, and she canceled. I was all hurt, and I tried to convince her why she should see me instead of pulling back. But that just convinced her further that she should be pulling back.
Think about it in sales terms. Do you want to be sold something by an aggressive salesperson? You say, I don't know if I want this, and they say, here's why you need it. That's probably going to make you say: no, that's exactly why I definitely don't want it. Smooth sales gets you to desire something and then makes you feel like you might not be able to have it. That's what a lot of people on YouTube do really well: they'll say there are only eight spots in this training, so you desire the thing, you're not sure you can have it, and then you're willing to pay a bunch of money. In a lot of ways, I look at that as emotional manipulation — you're getting tricked into something you didn't really need, and they're just playing off your emotions. That's why I don't get into that stuff. You tell me it's scarce? I don't want it. I don't believe you that it's scarce. And if it's something you need me to feel this super desire for, then I don't need it. I'll do it myself. I'm cool. I got this.
With her, when she pulled back, first I said, no, please don't pull back. She said, I need to pull back, I need my space. Then I managed: whatever, it's okay — if you hurt my feelings, I'll deal with it. She said, great. And I did withdraw emotionally for a few hours after that — and she could feel it. She sent me seven text messages before I replied to her the next morning. But then I immediately dove back in hard: oh my God, can we talk today? And she pulled back again. The next day she was a little warmer and I got her on a call, but then she pulled back harder after that. I tried desperately to get her attention, and when she pulls back and I'm chasing, it just confirms it for her: yeah, this isn't really the guy I want — he wants me too much.
In her mind, it goes something like this: if a guy were really worthy of me, he would make me want him more. He wouldn't give himself to me this easily. If he had that much value and was the right man for me, he wouldn't make himself so easily available. He must be a loser, because otherwise he wouldn't act like this. He must not be that strong, because otherwise he'd pass this test. Now, she may not be thinking any of that consciously.
What can be difficult is that women are often operating this way — and this is a generalization; treat every woman you approach as if you've never met a woman before and see what this one's doing. But it helps to have some kind of framework, because if all of this stays mysterious and doesn't make sense, then my logical brain doesn't know how to operate. And if I'm just going along with my heart — well, that's how I failed the pull back test. My heart was saying: no, I love you, please don't pull away from me, I'm so scared. My logical brain should have rescued me and said: bro, this is just a test. Relax. Let her pull back. You pull back too. And if she doesn't start chasing you a little bit, she's not right for you.
My Head Has to Lead the Dating Game
As a man, it doesn't seem like I'm allowed to do heartfelt dating. I can express and be vulnerable, but my head needs to be leading the process. My head needs to understand what's going on. My head needs to be executing the decisions logically. Okay, bro, she's pulling back — you pull back too. Okay, she's into you — open your heart a little bit, be vulnerable now, but don't go too far. Don't go too far now. Just meet her where she's at. Don't overstep where she's at emotionally. Meet her where she's at. Okay, she pulled back a little bit? You pull back too. Like that. My head needs to be leading the dating game. I'm sad to even have to say that, but heartfelt dating seems to be the side the women get to occupy — they're the ones in a position to do the heartfelt thing and feel all their feelings. And yeah, this was horrible, trying to do heartfelt dating instead of head-led, logic-led dating: here's the game, here's how you play, here's what you do to win.
With the pull back test, the last thing you want to do is try to close the space. It seems counterintuitive when you're trying to be heartfelt — no, I love you, please don't leave me. Logic dictates: look, there are lots of other women out there, and if she really likes you, she'll come back. Watch what she's doing. Pull back. When she pulls back, close your heart. You don't need her. You're fine without her. If she's not that into you, you're fine without her. It wasn't right anyway.
I made all the mistakes. I begged. I gave an ultimatum: look, I'm going to date other women if this is how you want it. And she said, fine — date other women. I think you like me more than I like you. Which is just silly. To me, this is just games. If I play the game differently, she thinks she likes me as much as I like her. That's what can be frustrating with dating: feeling like there should be magic, there should be love, there should be hearts involved. And yes, that is there somewhat. Maybe you don't even need to play the game if you meet your soulmate — maybe, I don't know.
How I Accidentally Passed with My Ex-Wife
Because when I met my ex-wife, I played the game and I played great at it. I crushed the game. I did all the perfect game moves. Actually, I remember now that my ex-wife pulled back a bit after our third date. So what did I do? I had my ex-girlfriend over and slept with her the night after the third date with my ex-wife. And that was game — that was perfect game right there. Because when my ex-wife came over for that third date, I thought she wanted to sleep with me. She didn't. I could feel her pulling back, and man, I was so hurt. I was about to fail the pull back test with her — when I thought, let me see what my ex-girlfriend is doing tonight. The ex-girlfriend came right over. I was disgusted with myself afterwards. But I also passed the pull back test with the ex-wife, because it knocked me off my pedestal — okay, I'm not that great of a person either.
Often when these kinds of tests come up, as men we start getting righteous. With the ex-wife after the third date, I was thinking: she doesn't deserve a guy like me, I'm so much more righteous, I know she's dating someone else, she should have slept with me — well, I guess she shouldn't have, but still, I'm so much better than her. Then I had my ex-girlfriend over and slept with her, and I was like, eh, I'm not that great either. Whatever. If she wants to hang out with me again, it's fine.
And what's crazy: my ex pulled back a bit after the third date, but I pulled back too. I distracted myself with my ex-girlfriend. Right after the third date, I got drunk, played video games, and complained to my friend about the now-ex-wife: oh, I'm so into her, but she didn't want to sleep with me, I don't know what's up, I don't know if she even likes me. Then I had the ex-girlfriend over the next day and slept with her, and I was like, whatever, I'm fine. Then I scheduled a fourth date with the now-ex-wife — and she was so hot for me on that fourth date. She could not keep her hands off me. It bothers me to even say all this, because in my mind, dating shouldn't be like that. But I guarantee you I'd have failed the pull back test with my ex-wife if I hadn't had the ex-girlfriend over, because I would have been so needy — I would have demanded her attention. Instead, after the third date, I was drunk that night, hungover the next day, and then with my ex-girlfriend. I wasn't texting. I didn't text my ex-wife after our third date — even though she'd come over to my place, I'd cooked dinner for her, and we'd had a great time, lots of petting but nothing sexual. I didn't follow up the next day. As soon as she pulled back, I'd already pulled back too. It was automatic at that point: I knew how to get drunk, distract myself, play video games, and then just hook up with whoever was available from my phone list.
Being sober after getting divorced, I've tried to act like I'm more of a decent man. But part of me says: nah, you just need to go back to playing video games, hanging out with your friends, and having some women you can hook up with. Then you're not going to get that attached, and when there's a pullback, you might not even notice. But you'll notice on the fourth date, when she comes rolling in and she can't keep her hands off you and she's touching you everywhere in the movie theater. It's like — dang, now you passed the pull back test.
Forgive Yourself and Learn the Lesson
Here's something else that helps to know: if you pass the pull back test, you are likely to get a very, very warm version of the woman after that. Now, this is not going to work in every single case, but to me, it comes down to — am I proud of my behavior? I felt like crap about being such a whiny, weak man that needed this queen. And that's my learning opportunity. So if you've failed the pull back test in the past, you can forgive yourself and say: look, I learned from that. I won't do that again. I'm never going to be that needy again.
And if somebody needs to play what seems like a game — why do we have to play these games? why can't we just love each other and come together? — well, if the other person needs to play this game with their emotions in order to feel feelings for me, I will let them. And it's okay, because I'll be at different stages of the game with other people. The goal someday is to get through all the games and just be able to love each other. But even then, you've still got to keep a bit of that balance of desire and pullback. I wasn't very good at this in my relationship with my ex-wife when she wanted to pull back. I was very bad at giving her space. She would want to pull back, and I didn't like it — I demanded more attention. So really, this dating has helped me see the things I want to work on. I'm going to pull back; I'm going to fix the things I was doing incorrectly in the marriage. Your dating game can be very strong and still unwind in a relationship pretty easily. If you want the full story of the queen and everything else I've learned along the way, I've shared it all in the videos on my Dating playlist.
A relationship is often a more forgiving place, though. When you're dating, it's often not forgiving: you fail that pull back test and it's over. She's done. She figures you're a loser and not good enough for her, and you're never getting another chance. And it's nice, though, because it's a big world — there are lots more people. Just learn it for next time.
So if you enjoyed this and you want my help with your own dating life, come work with me — join the Jerry Banfield Family, where you can message me directly and get my support with whatever you're going through.
I'm available, and I'm here to talk with you, to listen to you, and to help you in whatever ways you need. Let's talk.