I'm Jerry Banfield. It's August 16th, 2026, and this is my daily vlog as a full-time YouTuber — way too real, raw, and authentic, and something no woman who's dating me should read before we get significantly invested in each other. I'm thinking about that a lot today.
The biggest thing that happened last night: I had a really nice date with an amazing woman. Beautiful and so intelligent, great conversation, and she seemed to really like me also. And yet it's funny — after what I did with the queen a month ago now (God, that seems like so long ago), where I just threw my heart at her and opened the doors and felt all the feelings, I was surprised last night. I drove to this date right after I did my vlog, and I was so guarded, so in my head. I'd watched some of Bobby Rio's videos and his courses, and I went in like: I'm here to play the man-woman attraction game.
Playing the Date Well
I think most of you would be pretty impressed with how I performed on the date. I listened carefully to her. I let silence hang. Right when we first met, she was talking about something — we were sitting on a couch at this coffee shop in Clearwater — and I just stared at her after she stopped talking and smiled. I can hold the silence. I'm okay with not having to talk. It's not awkward. It's nice to just be. That's important: you should be able to just sit there and look at each other, enjoy the view, enjoy the vibe. You don't have to urgently fill the space. And she seemed to like that.
We went out for a walk after having some tea. We had actually run into each other in the parking lot, which was really efficient. We walked all over Clearwater in the Fort Harrison area, and I was so in my head — I'm thinking, dude, you should be telling her where to go. But I didn't know the area; I hadn't walked around there before, and she had. So we walked around, we looked for dolphins, we got sweaty. I had us walk up to this little bridge over a pond, and there were at least ten turtles — a whole turtle family, big turtles, medium turtles, small turtles — and they all swam up and said hi to us. It was really cool. We had a great conversation with some nice, solid silence in it.
I made sure to optimize for how manly I am, and to listen carefully — not just to what she was saying, but to what she was saying underneath what she was saying. Why is she saying what she's saying? How's the invisible game going? I challenged her on some stuff too. She said something about how the honeymoon period in a relationship only lasts three months, and I said no, it doesn't — not at all. My ex and I had years of honeymoon — years where it was awesome, at least for me. I was just so excited to go do everything with her. That's not to say we didn't have some fights, but we resolved the fights. We argued and then got back on the same page and loved each other and were a team. I'd say at least the first seven years we were together were awesome. And I feel good that I stood my ground, held my frame, and challenged her on some things.
How I Used to Challenge Everyone
That's what I've been listening to and watching lately, and it's how I used to operate a lot more, especially in my twenties. Being a police officer, I was used to challenging people: what are you doing here? Why do you have that in your hand? What's in your pockets? My hair stood up saying that. But over the last decade — being married, having kids, my ex-wife kind of taking over almost everything that mattered — I started supplicating and trying to avoid having fights. I tried to avoid conflict. Most of the time I stopped challenging my ex, because she was ready to fight over stuff. In the beginning, though, she would just get silent — she didn't like to argue with me. We argued about human trafficking one time and I went at it so hard she finally just went quiet for like an hour. And I would argue in a way to try to make you feel dumb, too. I said stuff like: starvation affects so many more people, it's a ridiculous waste of resources to focus on human trafficking. I would come with this very aggressive, hard argument — I'd go irrational if I needed to, I'd call names, I would do anything to win an argument. Ironically, it seems like my ex respected me a lot more when I had that approach, although it was too hard of an approach. And then I softened.
So I think last night I did a really good job of practicing the stuff I've been reading — of embodying that man again. It's so funny: in so many areas I'm very willing to challenge people. At AA meetings, I'll challenge people. I'll challenge the entire room. I'll intentionally say the opposite of what everybody else has said — they're all God, God, God, and I'm like, I am God; I pray to no one besides myself. I'll challenge an entire room full of people at an AA meeting. But then on a lot of the dates I've been on this year, it's been: oh yeah, whatever you like, sure, oh yeah, that's great. And I didn't even realize I was doing that.
The End of the Date
She seemed to react really positively to the challenging too — or maybe we just get along. I made sure to hold her hand and initiate some physical contact. I did gently go for a kiss at the end, not too aggressively, and she said, "Well, I don't kiss on the first date." And I told her: that's actually reasonable — we don't know each other. But then I asked, "You sure?" We exchanged contact details and numbers, and she said she prefers phone calls, and I'm like, good — me too. She gave me the best times to call her. Then she said she was going out of town and didn't know if she'd be able to see me again. Ironically — I just realized this now — that's almost the exact same situation as the queen: meeting her a week before she goes out of town. All right, universe, I see what you're saying.
It was cool, too — I talked about playing tennis, and she said she'd like to learn how to play. Nice. I realized with the queen I way over-prioritized things you could easily learn to do, like yoga or tennis. And being a content creator — hell, anyone can quit their job and make videos. But this woman seems to have a really good job. She told a long story about it. And I was pretty bold with some of the stuff I said, and I feel really good about that. She told this story about her job and her coworker and asked what I thought of it, and I said, "It sounds like you went for revenge." She kind of defended herself, and I said, "No, that's revenge. The way I see it, yes, the coworker did wrong, but you buried her in it." And she said, "All right, I guess that's fair." I felt really good. I didn't act like that over every single thing, but there were a few things. We had a nice conversation for two and a half hours. We both have the same kind of car, too, which was cool — hers is a lot newer, but she appreciated how long I've kept mine.
The Meeting and the Spiral
Then I left and drove to an AA meeting that was on the way back, and I saw a friend there — the friend I went there to see — and had a great conversation with her. We talked afterwards for thirty-plus minutes. I got there five minutes before the meeting ended, and I remembered my grand-sponsor Ty, who passed away ten years ago and would be so happy for me to mention his name. He'd show up five minutes before a meeting ended sometimes. I felt this massive relief that he was there once like that. I walked into that AA meeting 55 minutes late and didn't feel bad at all — I was glad I could make it. I came to see my friends, and I got time to talk.
The woman I'd gone out with had sent me three texts after the date, which was great. Thank you, thank you — because I was about to play some games and not text anything. And then I kind of started to spiral. She sent some nice texts and I wasn't sure what to reply, because there are so many routines running in my brain: does that signal you're a low-value man? Maybe you should wait a little bit before you text. Don't want to be too enthusiastic. So I called my aunt, I called my mom, and talked to them for a while. Made some popcorn, got home. Then I literally used ChatGPT to help send her a message — it gave me some ideas. I don't know why: I can show up and film 120 shorts in a row off the top of my head, I can show up and talk six hours straight on a livestream, I can sit on an in-person date and listen to one story she told for what must have been ten if not twenty minutes straight — but composing one text message had me stuck.
On the date we laughed, I messed around, I joked with her. And I made sure to make my sexual desire clear. I'd been optimizing way too much on being nice before — oh, I'm so nice. Let's be honest about why I'm here. She said something about sweating, and I couldn't see it because her clothes were covering that part of her body.
So when she mentioned the sweating and I couldn't see it, I said, "Well, not yet." My other friend told me later, "I wouldn't like that if you said that to me." And I'm like, I don't know — she seemed to respect it. I'm honest about it: yes, we're here to date. I see you as a sexual being. I'm not seeing you as a friend. This is very much me intentionally leading and encouraging the sexual, flirty context. She even did her own version — she got in a nice "that's what she said" at one point, and I was like, thank you. She played along with some of the stuff I initiated. In fact, the way both of us put each other in our phones is off something I initially made as a joke. She kind of reacted a little bit, and then I explained it and didn't back off. And I'm like, this woman's really cool.
In My Head Instead of My Heart
I sent her a text message, and then I really kind of spiraled. At least now, talking about it, I'm feeling something in my heart. But last night I was so in my head, so focused on playing the game, that it felt like I wasn't feeling her at all. And I was kind of sad about that. With the queen, I felt way too much and played zero game — just, I love you, here I am. With this woman, I logically think I like her. She's definitely pretty. I didn't compliment her appearance at all, though — that was intentional too. And it even seemed like she was a little unsure whether I liked her. She expressed it at one point, about an hour in — it sounded like she was a bit unsure that I even liked her, and she was trying to sell me on her. And I'm like, good, that's the frame we should be in.
But then it's like — how much of that is too much? You definitely need some of it, but at what point is it over the top and rude and coming off as cold? I think I ran a decent balance. Halfway through the date it was clear she was feeling a little insecure, not sure if I liked her, and I thought: well, that makes it more fun for her. It gives her some adjustment to do. With the queen and some of these other women, I crushed any uncertainty they had — "You're awesome, I want to go out with you again, I had so much fun." I made sure to do none of that last night. And now it's like: is that too severe? She dressed up nice. She wore shoes that made her feet sore walking around. She was very well put together, and I didn't compliment any of it. But I did compliment things about her character. When she told a story, I complimented what it showed about her — that you're a strong woman, that you have values. I gave very clear compliments about her personality, her integrity, her character. There's lots of time to appreciate how she looks later.
A Rough Morning
I didn't sleep very well last night either — maybe because I had a big bowl of popcorn before bed after not eating enough during the day. I got up and dragged myself to the 8:30 power flow yoga class. I was not in the mood. I didn't wake up with the normal burst of energy I have, but I dragged my ass there. And I did get a smile from one woman — I should have opened her immediately after that. But I kind of spiraled down this morning instead. And it makes sense: I had a lot of fun going out on a date for two and a half hours, then talking to my friend for a while after the meeting, then talking to my aunt and my mom. I talked to all these women last night — some that I love in our family, some that maybe I'll love someday — and then this morning I got really down.
I just started feeling: can't dating just be heartfelt and fun and open? I don't want to play a game. But I don't want to lose the game either. I want to win the game. Any woman that I like, I want to maximize her attraction to me. My friend was saying, "Just be authentic, be yourself," and in my experience I don't believe that will work. I don't believe me going around being all loving and joyful and enthusiastic does anything but signal to almost every woman that I'm a desperate, lonely, sad guy. And that's sad, because you can see I am very enthusiastic and open and direct in my videos. But I don't believe that approach is going to work with 99 percent of women — maybe 95. So I'm not going to use an ineffective approach and hope that I run into the one-percent woman. Maybe I should. But I won't.
Then the kids came over, and I found out my ex was going to this singles event — the one where they put a certain color wristband on you if you're single. I've been trying to go to one of these events in St. Pete since May. It's August. And my ex's boyfriend invites her to go to the event. I got pretty down this morning and I was jealous. Man, I wanted to go to that event, and my ex is taking her new boyfriend to it — like, so rude right now.
Baseball with My Son
But I went and took my kids to the park. I played baseball with my son — and then I hit him in the back throwing a pitch, the poor boy. To be clear, my three-point shot in basketball is a lot better than my baseball pitching. He sees the ball coming at him — I didn't throw it that hard, probably 30, 35 miles an hour at most — he goes left, he goes right, turns around, and it hits him square in the back. And he starts crying. I'm like, I'm sorry, son. Then again, boy, you should have moved. So I walked him and my daughter home. And I'm like, this is great: I'm the dad who walks his son home because I pegged him in the back. My pitches were so bad, too — he only got a few good hits because I was throwing all kinds of balls out there.
The woman from last night texted me back around noon — a little short message. And I got in my head again. She can't watch these videos either. But I need to do these videos, and I'm not going to change how I do my videos for one woman. On the date she talked about how it's important that a man is supportive. She has a good job — she works in kind of a technical field, and her work and mine overlap decently. She's got to have a man who's supportive of her work, proud of her work, who wants to listen about her work. And she is so intelligent. I thought: wow, you're one of the smartest women I've gone out with. I didn't say that to her, but I was actually impressed. She started speaking German to me and ripped off a whole paragraph. I told her: all right, I understood the first sentence, about your dad and where he was born — after that you lost me. It's been 26 years since I fluently spoke German and it's gotten rusty. But it would be cool — I would love to date a woman I could speak German with again, because it'd be easy to relearn if she could speak it.
Fear Right Behind the Feeling
It's funny — I've had a hard time figuring out whether I even felt anything for her, but talking through it this long: yeah, I liked her. And then immediately there's fear. Don't even bother liking her. She's going to ghost you. She's going to tell the matchmaker she didn't want to see you again. She's going to stop replying to your texts. You're going to send something stupid. She's going to find another guy. Even though it doesn't sound like she's been having a bunch of guys to date — which is part of how she ended up out with me — it also sounds like she was pretty picky, and she's actually pretty impressed with me. That was really nice and validating.
So I kind of spiraled and felt pretty bad while my kids were here. And I also sent the queen a text message this morning. It said, "Hey [her name], can you do me a quick favor?" And in Bobby Rio's course they said not to tell anybody you're doing this — but that's not how your boy works, is it? I'm testing the Scrambler routine on the queen, and if she watches this, she'll know what it is. And — dude, she just responded right now, while I was filming. She said exactly what they said she'd say. All right, I'm blushing. See, it's good these videos come out a few days behind. I've got to put this stuff out there, though, because this is what makes it good. If you've been at this for twenty minutes, you're looking for a payoff, right? Dude — I hadn't messaged the queen in two and a half weeks. That's so funny. I had just messaged the woman I went out with last night, then literally my friend said her friend is open to a date with me, and then the queen messaged me back, and now I've got to run the next part of the Scrambler on her.
At the same time, I have a real favor to ask the queen — a legit favor. Somebody texted me saying a podcast would legit pay $500 for the video I sent her. And I realized I need to check with her whether she's okay with me selling the video for $500 — hell, I'll give her half of the money if she wants it. If she's okay with me selling it, I would sell it. The only reason I would keep the video I sent her private is out of consideration for her — to not put any more of her business out there than I already have.
And at the same time, I'm kind of sad. I felt so much for the queen — or I thought I felt so much — but she texted me back now and it's just become a game in my head. She said she didn't want to play games, and then she played a whole bunch of games. But this is what has been annoying me today: from her point of view, they're not games. They're just how she works. From my point of view, it's all game.
When the Magic Becomes a Calculation
This connects to a conversation I had on the date last night — maybe I need a nickname for her. She was talking about how people used to attribute everything they didn't understand to God, and how it's funny that people do the same thing with aliens today: we don't know what that is, so it's aliens. And I told her, that's how I look at life, and it gets kind of down and sad sometimes. Life stops feeling magical once you understand how it works. The more I watch these courses and learn about women and attraction — and remember stuff I already knew — the more love stops feeling magical and starts feeling like a calculation. Literally, I sent the exact message from the Scrambler, which I paid $75 for. They said don't tell anyone you're doing this — I'm not much for keeping stuff like that in. And literally she sent the exact reply they said was most probable. It's just calculations. It's just logic. And I hope there can be some magic in dating. I hope there's more than logic and calculations and what Bobby Rio calls the invisible game.
I listened to the first three hours or so of his book, The Invisible Game, yesterday. He says about 10 percent of what's going on in dating someone is visible, and the other 90 percent is the invisible game — and women tend to be very sensitive to it. The man focuses on all the stuff that's out in the open and obvious, while the woman is reading subtle signals: how strong is this guy? Is this guy worthy? Is his social value higher than mine? If I test him, is he going to break? Learning all this stuff creates a lot of conflict in me. My heart wants to love, but my head is tired of my heart getting destroyed by trying to love. My head says: I need to manage things. I'm going to play this game, I'm going to get you a great woman, and then you can open up and love the woman I get for you. That's my head talking to my heart — your silly ass is just going to get hurt over and over again going at somebody wide open. You need me to get you into the right position, and once I get you there, you're still going to need me to keep you there.
The Business Is Going Off
Meanwhile, I am super grateful today, because the business is going off. A guy who purchased the annual membership on Skool also dropped $96 today to be the third person in the chat channel. And we got two tips as well — if you look at the leaderboard, there are two tips now. Somebody — I know their name from Stripe, but they haven't set up a profile yet — dropped $25 as a tip today on jerrybanfield.com/tip, which I really appreciate. And another person dropped a $10 tip right before the $25 one; he'd messaged me on Skool saying if he ever could donate, let me know how, and I sent him the tip link. That's over $100 again today that I made off my website. In fact, at least half the days in the last week I've made over $100 directly off my website. And I applied to get this channel monetized yesterday.
It's funny — my daughter asked, "Dad, are you sad about dating again?" And I told her: I'm sad that dating is the way it is. That you've got to play this game, that I can't just be like, "I love you, let's have a great life together." Instead it's: let me act like a strong man, let me withhold my feelings, let me withhold comments, let me challenge her beliefs, let me run this Scrambler routine, let me get back in touch. It makes life seem like it sucks — like life is just some simulation, there's code to run, everything is just programs, people are basically bots, and if you understand how the bots work, you can make them do whatever you want. It promotes a really crappy view of life. The problem is, it mostly seems to be effective at getting results. And I want to get results — and I also want to enjoy the ride.
So I'm grateful. It's fine. I found resistance even recording this vlog, but I feel better now, getting some of these feelings out. I do feel vulnerable sharing at this level of detail. But look — if I don't share like this, my vlogs aren't worth your time. They're just another random person saying useless crap. If my vlogs aren't interesting and pushing the boundaries of things, I shouldn't be doing them. Obviously they're well within the terms — but they're things the unspoken rules would indicate I shouldn't say. So there we go. I think that was interesting, and I really appreciate your support.
Making Money Instead of Worrying
Now my daughter's saying, "Dad, you're making money — don't worry about the dating." And she's right. Logically, you're right. I'm going to try to remember that. Logically, all I need to do is help people with my videos, keep making money, and keep building a better business. I just put up a book — I just put up Officer Banfield — and someone immediately bought it, which was really cool. I literally just added it to my website and someone bought it right away, which is great validation. So I'm going to get more books and more courses and more stuff for y'all to buy on my website, because I know a lot of you want to support me. It's another one of those things: if I only offer calls, most of you are like, "I don't want to talk to you." But if I put products up there, you'll buy them. So I'm going to put up the stuff you're willing to buy so that I can keep doing this full time.
And now part of me wants to reply to the queen's message right away — oh my God, I haven't heard from her in a week and a half. But now I've got to send the message. I've got to play the game. If I had played the game with her from the start, would we be in a totally different position right now? Absolutely. Absolutely. But is that a position worth being in? Is winning the game in the short term — getting a woman attracted to me — really winning? Maybe with my ex I did too good of a job playing the game, and I got her to fall in love with me, but maybe I shouldn't have. Maybe I shouldn't have played the game so well that I got this beautiful woman with a great job and a nice family, who is a great co-parent — even if she is going out to the same event I've been trying to get to, with her new boyfriend. Maybe I should have found a woman more compatible with me in terms of our personalities, but I optimized for looks and attraction. She was very into me, and she is very hot still, which is how she was easily able to get a dude off the dating apps. She ought to sell dating-app coaching for women — this is how you easily get a guy to go out with you from the apps. What is she doing that these other women are not doing?
So that's enough. Thanks a lot for your support — I really appreciate you here. If you have a comment you want to send me, sending it with a tip is the best way. And if you want to chat with me every single day, go to jerrybanfield.com and join that community chat — I'll show you off on the leaderboard all the time.
And that's exactly what happened while I was wrapping up: my boy from the Skool bought the chat membership and then bought the book so he could be on top of the leaderboard. He's going to get a lot of shout-outs. This is awesome. If you want to follow the whole story of me figuring out dating one day at a time, it's all in my Dating playlist. I love y'all.