In my 20s, when I was dating, I was just fresh off being a police officer, and I was not a nice guy. I was trying to get laid. I was willing to say whatever I wanted, to hide anything I needed to, to act however I needed to act to get toward that objective. And while I struggled to get dates sometimes — I was overweight and I was 26 — I was very good at turning dates into action in the bedroom. I eventually got a relationship that lasted for 15 years with a beautiful woman with a great career, toward the very top of the dating spectrum a guy could land. What's funny to me now, after getting divorced from her last year as we grew apart, is realizing that one big reason we got divorced is that I started being way too nice. And I've tried dating as a nice guy.
What do I mean by being nice? Being agreeable. A woman says something I disagree with, and I act like, oh, that's fine, I'm open, I'm flexible. Or I hide my desire for her and act like I'm just being friendly. I'm indirect — I don't say exactly what I want. I hesitate on making moves: oh, wait, you said you wanted to take things slow, but you're trying to kiss me — are you sure? Ew. I've only recently realized this after reading No More Mr. Nice Guy, and after getting through the first half of Bobby Rio's book The Invisible Game. I bought his course and his mastermind, watched a bunch of his videos, and I've reviewed hundreds of other dating videos and dating coaches. The biggest weakness I've seen is this: you've got to stop being nice.
Not Nice Doesn't Mean Jerk
Now, that doesn't mean you just need to be a jerk — because in my mid-20s, I was a jerk. I was not afraid to offend a woman or to have an argument where I'd say anything to win, even if it meant being mean, making fun of her, and putting her down. I went way too far. But I also went for it. For example, on the second date with my ex-wife, she had parked in a parking garage and we'd just had a really nice date — a restaurant, then dessert. She said, "Oh, I'll walk myself back." I said, "No, I'm going to walk you back." She said it was fine. I said, "Yeah, it is fine — I'm going to walk you to your car." I was very much in leadership mode. And at that time my rule was: if we don't kiss by the second date, I'm done with her. I was pretty ruthless about it — if things weren't going how I thought they should go, if she wasn't following me, I had no interest and I was finished. In this case, I walked my ex-wife back to her car in the parking garage, and I didn't ask if I could kiss her — I kissed her. When she went for the hug at the end of the date, I snatched her up and went right in for it. And she loved it. She loved that clear, confident, masculine energy — I want this and I'm going to go for it. I did that on our third, fourth, fifth, and sixth dates, constantly escalating as much as she would let me, until she'd say, "That's too far, I'm not ready for that." Okay. Then the next date I'd go there again and get a little further — until we finally slept together, and then got married, had a couple of kids, and got divorced.
Since the Divorce
And it's been so miserable. I have not been with a woman since November. And if I isolate that last time — I was not a nice guy at all. I texted 11 women in my phone: somebody's coming over here tonight. A few of them replied somewhat warmly. Then, for once, I was very direct. She was hesitant, and I'd been trying to plan something, and I just said, "Come over to my house." All right. And I kept trying to kiss her and escalate, and she kept saying she wasn't ready, and I kept trying every hour or so until we went all the way. And I felt bad afterwards — I should have picked a woman I really liked instead of doing that with whoever was in my phone. But then I swung to the other extreme and started being this guy who says: I'm not trying to have sex, I just want to be your friend, I just want to love you, I just want to be a husband and build a life with you. Wait a minute. Yes, at some point that would be good. But first, if we're honest, I'm trying to have sex. That's maybe step three for me — after a kiss, and after step one, getting to know you a little bit. And I'm finding that a lot of what I used to do in my 20s, I'm having to pick up again.
Where the Hard Edge Came From
My ex-wife is an attorney, and she would fight over everything, all the time. And I grew up in a family where we'd all yell and scream at each other and fight and put each other down. We didn't hit each other, but anything went — we'd swear at each other, call each other names, and attack each other on the weakest link. There were four of us: me, my brother, my dad, and my mom, who was an officer in the military — a woman used to dealing with men, who could hang with the boys and have an argument. I grew up in a household where we argued ruthlessly and went to any lengths to win, saying the nastiest things we could say. It felt like you survived by going as hard as possible and challenging people as much as possible. So when I met my ex-wife — especially after being a police officer and a corrections officer — that's who I was. She'd say something, and I'm like, no, that's stupid, and I'm going to bury you with an intellectual argument, provoke you emotionally, and make you feel ridiculous for even saying it. I'd argue until she got quiet a lot of the time, and she'd sit there in silent rage, and I'd think: good, I won.
But then I got sober in 2014, and by 2016 I'd made all these amends, and I started trying to avoid arguments. I started agreeing with her even when I disagreed. I started going along with things. When she said she didn't want any more kids, I didn't put up much of a fight. I said I disagreed, and I said I wasn't getting a vasectomy — which, all these dudes out here voluntarily getting vasectomies in their 20s, that's so crazy to me. You do what you want to do; I'm going to be out here having more children, since y'all can't. But I didn't argue hard enough on some of these really important things, and I'd get resentful. I turned into the typical guy from No More Mr. Nice Guy: being nice on the surface but resentful underneath, manipulative, playing the victim when I don't get what I want, crying and whining that my ex-wife is too mean to me.
The Queen Saga
Taking that man into dating has been brutal. I've shared so many stories on this channel about how awful it's been. There was a woman I went out with that I called the queen — on my Jerry Banfield channel I went through the whole saga with her. I just opened myself up and started loving her right away. I said I'd forgotten how to play the dating game. I talked about how I'd met her five days ago and she was the center of my world. I cried walking home from my date. I cried out for my queen. I had a euphoric week with this woman. And it turned her off completely. She was really attracted when I approached her initially, confident in my work, challenging her a little bit. But as soon as I slipped into the nice-guy stuff and told her how I felt about her — and at the lowest point, in that last video, saying "I love you" — she was totally uninterested after that.
And I got really mad. I thought I was being nice. I thought I was being authentic. Women say they want an emotionally intelligent man. This woman literally said, "I want a guy who's authentic, who doesn't play games." So I thought: authentic, doesn't play games — great, I'm going to tell you how much I like you and share my whole inner world with you right away. And then she pulls back. Then it's too much effort to text me. Then she doesn't want to see me, she cancels a date with me, and when I get upset, it's "too bad, I need my space." And I'm like, what is happening? She had even tried to kiss me once, and I backed off because she'd said she wanted to take it slow. I'm embarrassed at the man I've become — the me in my 20s would roast me so hard right now.
What's funny, though, is that I've been able to get dates easier than I ever have. Me now would roast a dude in his 20s right back: bro, do you see how many dates I get now, how many beautiful women I go out with? I get more dates in a week than you used to get in a month or two. I want to put together the best of what I had in my 20s with the best of what I have now. I've got a beautiful face now — I look better than I did 20 years ago, and that gets me dates. It's pretty-privilege; I get dates with some beautiful women just by showing up. But then as soon as I start this whole nice-guy crap — I've gone out with at least 20 women, and it has gone nowhere every time. Most of the first dates never went past the second date.
You know what I never heard in my 20s? No woman ever told me she didn't feel the spark. Women told me I was an asshole. Women said I needed to get my act together, that I was a jerk, that I was mean. They said that stuff — but they also got in bed with me on the first date, the second date. I think I've slept with a woman on every single first, second, third, fourth, fifth, and sixth date. They would get in bed with me fast because they felt that man — a strong, masculine, dominant man. And what I'm trying to do now is figure out how to bring that back without being an asshole.
The Fine Lines
To me, there's a fine line between "I'm a leader" and "I'm a dominator." There's a fine line between "I'm a strong, masculine man" and "you're going to do what I want you to do." There's a strong line between "I'm willing to stand up for what I believe" and "I'm going to wreck you mentally with the things I say if you don't agree with me." And I pulled back way too far on all of it — to where I'd go out with a woman and just be boring, asking interview questions. In my 20s, I didn't have that issue, because I honestly didn't care. I don't care what you do. I don't care what kind of family you have. I don't care what music you listen to. With my ex, we listened to the music I wanted to listen to — Eminem, D12, rap, Kesha. We listened to my music. I still barely know what music she likes. I mean, she likes Taylor Swift, but I only figured that out years in — maybe Taylor Swift wasn't even around when we first dated. If she told me, it went in one ear and out the other. Now, that's too far. But at the same time, I've just been a simp lately.
What's been humbling is identifying that, and realizing that most of us as men have been trained at some point to act like this. Trained. Society trains us hard to be agreeable, to just do what you're told. And unfortunately, in my experience, that works terribly with women most of the time. Sure, you can get a woman who's kind of below what you could probably get — a woman you feel like you have to settle for — and act however you want. But if you want a woman who feels like an equal, or maybe a step up, then you've got to be on your game. And the thing that ruins game more than anything else is being nice. Which doesn't mean you stop being considerate.
Refusing to Be Nice on Yesterday's Date
Here's what I put into practice. I went on this date yesterday, and the woman is beautiful and so intelligent, with a great job — this woman looks like a catch. But I refused to be nice. I didn't give her a single compliment on her appearance at any time during the date. At the same time, I did show that there's desire there. I gave her compliments when she earned them — by showing me parts of her character I liked, by telling me stories. I pulled things out of the stories and complimented the work she'd done, her character, the way she stood up for herself. And I also challenged her. She told me she thought the honeymoon phase in a relationship only lasts three months, and I said, "That's ridiculous, and you're wrong about that. With my ex, we had years together that were a honeymoon phase." And there were a few other things. She told me this story and asked, "What do you think of that?" And I said, "It sounds like a revenge story. Somebody hurt you, and you crushed them, and you enjoyed it." She said, "No, that's not what it sounds like," and tried to explain it another way. I said, "Okay — what you just said still sounds like revenge. You didn't like what this person did, and you did exactly what you needed to do to get them back. I don't disagree with it; I'm just saying it sounds like a revenge story." And she said, "All right, I see how you're saying that."
Compare that with another date a few months ago — a beautiful doctor in her late 20s. I roll my eyes at how I interacted with her. I did the opposite: anything she liked, I liked. Anything she said, I just went along with. That's being nice where you're being fake — you're performing. It felt really good yesterday to actually challenge a woman, to disagree with some of her ideas, and to show her: I don't care if you agree with me or not, this is what I think. I didn't say that specifically, but it was, "This is what it looks like to me." She'd say, "Well, I don't see that," and I'd say, "Here's another reason it looks like that to me." And she seemed to actually respect it — like, oh, this guy has some strength to him.
Why the Queen Chased the Rude Guy
I'm grateful I've learned this, because if you haven't read No More Mr. Nice Guy, if you haven't read Bobby Rio's The Invisible Game, it's really heartbreaking. Like the whole story I had with the queen: you try to just give a woman everything, you feel like you're offering her this amazing life together, and then she loses interest in you, ghosts you — and then she's chasing some jerk. The woman I called the queen told me a story about how rude one guy was with her. She lived like 30 minutes away from him, and he never once offered to pay for an Uber, never once in months of dating her offered to pick her up. When I heard that, I said, "That's so rude — I'm not that kind of guy." But honestly? I should take notes from this dude. That was rude — but look at the effort she was putting in for this guy. Look at what she put up with. Why did she like him? She liked him because she felt he was better than her, because she was trying to win him over, because he must have high social value to act like that.
And I look back at how I got my ex. If I'd have been nice, she'd have gone "ew." She wouldn't have felt that spark. She wouldn't have gone out with me again. In fact, there was another guy she was dating at the same time, and this guy sounds really nice. Sometimes during our relationship she'd say, "I wonder what would have happened if I'd dated him. He was probably more compatible with me." And I'd say: he probably was. But you wanted me, because you felt attraction with me — you felt the spark with me and you didn't feel it with him. She told me this guy withheld. He didn't try to kiss her, whereas I kissed her. He didn't try to escalate. He was a safe, nice man, and I was a dangerous, selfish man. And which one did my beautiful ex-wife choose? A woman in her mid-20s, all kinds of options, all kinds of guys she could have dated — she chose the dangerous man, the selfish man who was only interested in getting what he wanted and willing to do whatever it took.
The Strategies You've Been Taught Are Mostly Wrong
It's a painful lesson to learn, but it's important for men to realize the strategies you've been taught for dating are mostly wrong. You should naturally challenge and hold your ground. Have an edge to you. Be a little rebellious. Don't show up seeking approval from your woman — she should be showing up wanting your approval, wanting you to like her. I know this stuff is hard. My mind has felt scrambled trying to process it. How did I forget what I knew in my 20s? Why did I go so far into being this nice guy? Why was I so much better at dating when I was an asshole? Why was I the guy that women had to come over to see? I wouldn't offer them a ride. I wouldn't pick up a woman if she didn't have a car in my 20s — you don't have a car? That's not my problem. Women came over to my place almost all the time, so I could maximize the amount of drinking and video games and working I did. I didn't go over to their place. Everything was always on my terms — the music, the movies we went to see. I took my ex-wife to action movies because that's what I wanted to watch. I was like that even as a teenager: I had a girl over in high school to watch The Last Action Hero with Arnold Schwarzenegger, and I didn't understand why she wasn't turned on during the movie.
So I hope this is helpful for you. Yes, it's important to be respectful of women — but it's also important to understand women, and women want a man. If you can be a man with strong masculine energy who's confident in himself, that's the equivalent of being a really attractive woman. Women tend to be really attracted to the feeling they get around a real man. You don't have to be an asshole, but you cannot just be this nice, people-pleasing, approval-seeking man either. You'll be stuck in an unhappy situation, and you'll just suffer, like I've done this year.
It's amazing how hard this has been. I read No More Mr. Nice Guy and identified this stuff, and I've kept putting it into practice, but there's a delicate balance. Okay, I don't want to be quite the asshole I was before — so how do I strike a balance of being considerate versus not putting up with nonsense? Like this single mom who just canceled a date on me last minute because she forgot she had her kid: I'm not texting her again. I'm done with that. If she wants me, she can come to me. See ya. I've got enough women I'm talking to; I don't need ya. That's how I operated in my 20s — if you piss me off, I'm done with you. You're off my list.
And yet, what I've done a lot of this year is chase women who weren't interested in me, women I was in the friend zone with. That's behavior that shows I don't respect myself. And this started when I was married. I remember telling my ex-wife that I felt like she didn't respect me — and I can see why she didn't. I started being a doormat. I started being a people-pleaser, an approval-seeker. I stopped standing up for myself. I stopped challenging her most of the time because I didn't want to have an argument. And here's what I've come to believe: it's better to have the argument. Keep it as civil as possible, but it's better to have a disagreement and conflict than to sit there being nice while you're secretly resentful and manipulative underneath.
Talk With Me While I'm in the Middle of This
If you'd like to talk with me about any of this — I'm fresh in the middle of it — I've got a chat you can join on jerrybanfield.com. One payment, lifetime access, and you're in the community. I'm going to make some dating channels in there, and you'll be on the leaderboard too. And if you find these posts helpful, you can leave a tip.
If you want to hear about my days being a police officer and all that drama, I just put up Officer Banfield, a book you can grab as a PDF and audiobook. I've also got a Skool community — if you already use Skool, you can join the Jerry Banfield Family there. And I've got calls you can schedule with me if you want to talk one-on-one — you can grab one right away if I'm available, or schedule one in advance. I'm here to support you in your journey to a happy, healthy dating life.
Now, I'm not available to talk to you for free — you've got to pay if you want to talk to me. But if you've got money, I make it pretty easy. And notice: that's exactly the kind of thing I'm talking about in dating. My time is valuable, and if you respect it, I'm going to respect your time. The whole saga with the queen and every other story I've mentioned here is in my Dating playlist if you want to go deeper. And I'm on jerrybanfield.com when you want to talk to me.