After meeting and marrying a beautiful woman in my 20s who was quite a catch — great career, beautiful kids together, very healthy, great family — I managed to forget most of what I learned in my 20s about dating, especially in the last decade. And then, after getting divorced in 2025, I tried this horrible strategy: this miserable approach to dating where I would tell a woman exactly how I felt about her as soon as possible. Let me give you some examples, explain why this is a horrible idea, and tell you what to do instead.
The Single Mom from Yoga
I met this beautiful single mom at yoga almost two years ago. I didn't even talk to her for like six months, because I'd already gotten a crush on another woman at yoga while I was married — a woman who had a girlfriend, mind you, that I saw her with. We had what seemed to be a mutual crush on each other. Then I stopped seeing her at yoga, and I wasn't trying to talk to women at yoga anymore while I was married. Well, then I got separated. So I started talking to this single mom, and I asked her on a date via text message. She did not respond. This is October 2025. I deleted her number so I wouldn't impulse-text her, along with a bunch of other numbers, because I needed to clean my phone out.
She messages me in May 2026 — while I'm on a date with another woman. And she immediately invites me out. She says, "Hey, where have you been? Haven't seen you at yoga in a while." I say, "Who is this? I don't have your number." She tells me who it is and says, "I'd like to go out to coffee with you." Immediately — she didn't waste any time making her interest in me clear. So I said sure, and I met up with her a few days later. On the date she's really happy to see me. She's very warm, holding hands with me, laughing, smiling, very into me.
And then I can point to the exact moment where it all went downhill. I had a feeling I shouldn't do this. But as a person who was raised by a father who made me write obediences thousands of times, I have a bit of a rebellious nature sometimes, as you might be able to tell. I had this feeling — don't say this to her right now — so I said it. I'm learning that I don't want to rebel against my intuition, because it often has good ideas and is right. I told her that I really liked her, that I thought she was very pretty, that I'd always liked her from yoga, that I'd love to date her — did she want me to call her every day? And I didn't try to kiss her either, because I was stuck in being a nice guy, and apparently nice guys don't kiss even when a woman wants them to — which, I don't know why you would act like that unless she's explicitly asked you not to. This woman invited me out on the date. She's in her late 30s with two kids — this isn't high school. She knows what's up. I walked her to her car, and her interest went from very high to switched off. I was a police officer before — I'm pretty good at reading body language and subtle signals — and I could tell I had totally turned her off with everything I said. She still texted me the next day to follow up. But then she didn't reply to my message for 24 hours. Then she made sure to take at least a day, if not two, to reply. Then she canceled last minute on the date she'd said she wanted to go on. And then she ghosted me.
The Content Creator Who Really Liked Me
And then I made the same mistake again — even worse — with a woman who liked me better. I met this woman at a yoga studio (a common theme here), and she really liked me when I was talking about YouTube and everything I know about content creation — the billions of impressions I've gotten online, millions and millions of views, famous celebrities talking about me, going viral. I wasn't bragging; I was asking her questions. She said she was a content creator, so I was basically giving her coaching right there. She was really impressed when she first met me, and I was full-on in my masculine mode. It was going well. She went on a date with me and we held hands. She was very into me. She let me walk her back to her house — you just met someone three days ago, that's good trust — and she told me all about herself. She went out with me again two days later, and she seemed like she wanted to kiss me, but I was in nice-guy mode, so I didn't. Then she came over to my house the day after that. That's literally 12 hours we spent together in a week: she met me on Monday, and she was at my house cuddling with me on the couch on Sunday. And this is a woman who said she wanted to take it slow, who said she'd never been in a relationship longer than a year, who was a few years younger than me and very interested in having kids, looking to get married, cares about family, wants a guy who's authentic.
So where's the exact point I killed the attraction? I told her a story about how I was working on manifesting my queen. I told her that I cried, and that I thought she was my queen. And then she tried to kiss me after that — and I said, "Whoa, whoa, you said you wanted to take it slow, and I promised if you came over to my house I wouldn't try anything." It was the two of those things together: making my feelings extremely clear, so there was no doubt in her mind, and then refusing the kiss. I was all about her. I was all in. Oh — and I canceled a date with another woman that I'd essentially paid $600 for, because a matchmaker had worked to set that match up ($7,500 divided by 12 comes out to around $600 and something). I canceled it because I was so excited about this woman. And I told her that too. While she initially seemed to really like it, once my feelings were so clear that there was no more mystery for her — no more man to chase — she started pulling back immediately.
The next day, she tells me she's just going to stay home by herself tonight. She made it obvious: she literally wanted to sit at home alone instead of seeing me. The day after that, she agrees in the morning to see me, and then she cancels plans — the same thing she'd been whining about a guy from a dating app doing to her. She cancels on me last minute after we'd had a pretty intense week together, then doesn't have time to even talk to me on the phone more than once in the next week, seems resentful that I even want to exchange messages anymore, and then texts me that we're "just not in the same place emotionally and romantically." What does that mean? It means I ruined the fun for her. I ruined her love story. She was trying to make a love story, trying to win me over — and as soon as it was obvious she'd won the game, she got bored. She figured this guy is too much, too fast, I feel pressured. And then I did all the wrong things: I tried to pressure more, I sent ultimatums — I'm going to date other women again if you won't at least have some communication with me.
The Lesson: Let Her Wonder
So what did I learn out of all this? A very valuable lesson that I hope to communicate to you here: I need to let women wonder if I like them. I've told you all this to make it clear that me disclosing my feelings to a woman is a way to kill the attraction. I could give you several other examples from the last year of killing the attraction by disclosing my feelings. Now, these are generalizations — it could be different for some people, and maybe some men are like this too. I love it when a woman tells me her feelings and makes it clear how much she likes me. I'd love for a woman to be all over me, say she loves me, not want to date anybody else, want to hang out with me all the time — as long as I think she's attractive enough and intelligent enough and fun enough and wants to have kids, I'm ready for all that. But it seems that for many women — at least according to The Invisible Game by Bobby Rio, according to No More Mr. Nice Guy, according to Mark Manson's Models, according to my own experience dating a lot in my 20s and going out with at least 20 women in the last year — me telling them I like them, telling them how interested I am, pushes them away immediately.
Unless — and I'm trying to say this as nicely as possible — unless I'm too good for them. Is that nice? I don't know. If there's a woman I don't find that attractive, I can basically act however I want, because she's so excited to be with me she'll put up with almost anything. But I don't want to be with a woman I don't find very attractive, or who's not very compatible, or not very smart. If I'm a big status level above where a woman's at, then yes, I can get away with almost anything. But if I'm trying to be with an equal — which I am, meaning a woman who's attractive, lean, smart, has family values, and wants family — then I cannot let her know that I like her first. She needs to feel like I'm the prize that's there to be won. She needs to be unsure how I feel about her. And I put this into practice perfectly last night on a first date.
In the past, on similar first dates, I would have given the woman a compliment on how beautiful she was. As soon as I saw her, I thought: wow, she is hot. But I didn't say that to her. In fact, I deliberately made sure not to compliment anything at all about her appearance, because I want her to wonder if she's attractive to me — to wonder if she's attractive enough for me. Because I know I'm attractive. I'm grateful — I've gone out with enough women, and they've given me a lot of compliments. One woman about how beautiful my eyes are. Another about my teeth. Another about my skin. My hair. My muscles. I've gotten a lot of compliments, and I'm grateful for all of them. I know I'm attractive — not necessarily to every woman, but I know I'm a good-looking guy, and I don't need a woman to tell me that on a date. In my mind, a good-looking woman is an equal with me, and I don't need to praise an equal and ruin the attraction for her. I want her to wonder: does he like me? Does he think I'm cute? Does he want to get with me?
And I did that perfectly on the date last night. About halfway through the date, I'd kind of drawn this out of her, and at some point she said, "I don't know if you like me or not." And I thought: nice. I'm immediately putting into practice what I've been learning. And I'm not doing this to be mean — I know it might sound mean to some of you. I'm doing this in honor of the fact that a woman, if she's going to be attracted to me, needs to feel a spark with me. And if she knows I'm all excited and into it from the start, it kills the spark. It kills the curiosity. It kills the uncertainty. It makes the game boring.
The Warzone Principle
It's like playing video games — and I have a Jerry Banfield Games channel. Which games do you think I've played the most of in my life? Super easy ones where you always win and nothing's difficult? Or brutally difficult games like Call of Duty Warzone, where you go in against a hundred other guys and try to be the one winner? I play Call of Duty Warzone, because winning when there are 100 or 150 people in the lobby and you come out number one feels amazing. The last time I played Warzone, it took me 27 games — starting from not having played games in a year, jumping straight in without even warming up in multiplayer. I went in, played 27 games, and won. God, that felt good. I felt so triumphant, because it was a difficult game. There were games where I suffered and got owned. I got second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth, tenth — I kept getting so close and losing. And then in the last game, I waited. I played perfect strategy. These two guys who were almost definitely better at the game than me were both playing aggressive, all over each other, slaying, guns blazing, grenades going off. And I'm creeping in the corner, waiting patiently, watching the scoreboard until there are just two of us left. The one guy is out, and I pop up — full health, full grenades, full magazines — and this poor dude is out in the open, reloading, after he just played better than me. But I played to win. I annihilated him. He barely got a shot off, because I patiently played the game correctly. And I felt good that I won, because it was a very difficult way to win a 100-player free-for-all. Do I feel satisfied that it took 27 games? Hell yes.
For women, the equivalent is dating. They want to feel like they've won a man who's a prize — not some loser who's just desperate to get with a woman. And I wish it wasn't like this. I wish I could just do what I did with the queen and love openly: I love you, you're amazing, I'm going to be the husband of your dreams, I'm going to do everything you want, we're going to have beautiful babies. But at least with the women I've run into, that signals that I'm a loser, that I'm desperate, that I don't have options, that I'm in a scarcity mindset. So the alternative is: I let the woman wonder how I feel about her. I don't make it clear. In fact, I challenge her. I make her wonder. I give her some clear signs — like the woman last night, I gave her some really heartfelt compliments on her character and her story and her choices, not on her beauty or the outfit she wore. I complimented the things she proved to me were worthy of compliments, like standing up for herself in a tough situation. And I called her out on stuff I disagreed with. I challenged her. And she was left wondering: does he even like me?
What Happens After the Date
And how do you think she responded after the date? She sent me three texts right away, before I'd even gotten to the next place I was going. See — I wish the game didn't work this way, but it does. She's sitting there wondering: I hope he likes me. I like him. How does he feel about me? Let me send him some text messages. And it was so nice — she sent a text that clearly communicated she's interested in me, she likes me, she wants to see me again. Now, what happens when I'm the one who sends that text? I can tell you: I get ghosted almost every time. I went out with a beautiful doctor more than ten years younger than me, and when I told her at the end of the date that I liked her and wanted to see her again, she looked disgusted. And do you think she replied to my text? No.
It's easy to internalize narratives like, well, I'm not attractive enough. Not true. I am attractive enough to land a beautiful woman, and I know that because my ex-wife found a guy, like, immediately — if you're an attractive woman, you generally have your pick of men, at least if you're willing to use dating apps and sort through them. I'm attractive enough to get a very attractive woman. Then I thought, well, it's my money — I'm borrowing money right now, I deleted all my stuff on YouTube, I got divorced, I gave my ex 80% of all the assets, and I started over on my credit line. Maybe I just need a better car? No, you don't. Men are often drawn to a woman who's physically attractive. Women are often drawn to a man who has a strong, confident personality — a man who's willing to hold his space and challenge a woman, and to validate her when she earns it. A man who tests her and qualifies her, deciding whether she's the kind of woman he wants to be with. A man who's a prize, that a woman has to work for. I'm grateful I've learned that, and I'm grateful I'm acting like it, because it's amazing how changing my behavior a little bit — changing how I think about things — changes my results.
Mystery Is What My Ex Fell For
I can see why my ex-wife wasn't attracted to me anymore. I was just all over her all the time — I love you, always telling her how much I loved her. There was no mystery with me anymore. But she was crazy about me when we met, because I was hot and cold. One day it was "I love you," and the next day, "whatever — I'm going to play some video games with the boys right now." And she loved that. It was fun. I was just talking to another woman — a woman I find very attractive; I guess we're in a friend zone with each other, and I don't know if I even want to try to step out of it — and she was telling me, "The next guy is going to be fun." Guys who are fun are guys women can't quite figure out. Who say things they're not expecting. Who leave them wondering: is he going to validate me and give me a compliment, or is he going to challenge me and call me out on my BS? That's fun.
I'm sharing this because learning it — remembering it — has been the biggest pain I've felt all year. The pain of having a woman where we both really liked each other, felt a serious attraction to each other, and then watching it evaporate because of what I said. And, to be fair, because of her reaction to it. But her reaction is the one most women would probably have had: "I need space — you just told me I'm your queen, that you like me so much. I need space." That's the reaction most women would probably have in that situation if you're dealing with an equal. So to be clear, I'm not talking about creating artificial insecurity, and I'm not talking about withholding reassurance forever. What I'm talking about is truly being the man who sees himself as the prize — and honoring that the woman wants a love story with you. A love story needs to include some uncertainty and some drama, because that's the love story where she's going to feel something. And a woman feeling something is the key to her attraction.
Whereas for men, attraction is often pretty logical. She's hot. She wants kids. She's sweet. She's got a nice family. She's healthy — whatever else you want to put in there. My attraction to a woman is pretty logical and straightforward. I don't need drama. I just look, I listen, and I'm like: I love you. It's really easy. But that doesn't seem to be the experience women have. Women need to feel something and have an adventure with their feelings. And I'm here to support that. I ultimately want to give my woman what she wants. If my woman wants some mystery — if she'd rather face her own insecurities and wonder if she's good enough for me than have me do that — I would much rather let her. I'd much rather be certain that I'm good enough for this woman, and that if she got to have me in her life, it'd be a great deal for her.
I'd much rather be in that position than be the one wondering: am I good enough for her? Does she like me? Because I know whether I like her or not. I'll let her decide and prove to me whether she likes me. I'd rather let her tell me she loves me first. I'd rather let her send the text after the date saying she had fun and wants to see me again. I'd much rather let her do that than be the one who does it — and ruin the fun for her.
I'm in the Middle of This — Come Talk to Me
If you found this helpful, know that I'm in the middle of all of this right now, personally. I've also got a lot of experience being in a long-term relationship — a successful one for most of a decade. And I'm here: if you want to talk to me, go to jerrybanfield.com. You'll see I've got all kinds of stuff for you there. I've got six YouTube channels, and on the Jerry Banfield Show vlogs I go into even more details of my dating. If you support me by spending money on my website, you can be on the leaderboard and in the community chat, where you get access to talk to me and everybody else in there. I just started it a few days ago, and this is what I'm going to be doing indefinitely — you'd be one of the legends in there. Thanks to Zenith for being the top spender on there.
You can talk to me for ten minutes on demand whenever I'm online, or schedule a Zoom call with me in advance.
I just put up a book with some great dating stories in it, plus my time as a police officer. I've got tips if you want to send me a message, I've got shirts, I've got games, and I've got a blog.
I've also got a Skool community — if you like using Skool, you can join the Jerry Banfield Family there. I'm here to support you every day. My job is to serve you, to entertain you, to teach for you. And I'd love to get to know you: pop in the chat, drop a tip, and I'll get to know you.
Thank you for spending so much time with me — I really appreciate it. Every one of these dating stories continues day by day in my Dating playlist. And wait — should I not have told you how I felt about you? Well, you're a man, probably, so I can tell you: hey, I love you, bro. Come on over to my website.