Are Dating Apps Worth It? Why I Keep Deleting Mine

My answer right now is that dating apps are a bad deal, at least for me and for most men who already do reasonably well in person. I have used Hinge, Bumble and Tinder on and off for about a decade, paid for premium on all of them, and deleted them several times over. Each time I came back, I told myself this time would be different, and each time it wasn't.

The clearest example is from October 9, 2025, which I wrote about in my journal entry Addicted to Dating Apps in 24 Hours. That morning I spent about three hours optimizing my Hinge profile, paid $55 for a month of Premium, swiped on what felt like hundreds of profiles, and got one like on Bumble. That night I deleted Hinge, Bumble and Tinder, and I felt lighter. My takeaway then was that within a day of downloading them I was already hooked.

In June 2026 I was back in the same loop, which I describe in Should I Go Back on Dating Apps? I had paid $7,500 for a matchmaking service, Tawkify, and was three of twelve matches in, and I still leaned toward the apps because they could filter for exactly what I want: a woman who is attractive, doesn't drink or use drugs, and wants kids. The feedback that stuck with me came from my ex-wife, who said I dive too deep in conversation on a first date and share heavy things right away.

Around the same time I made the case in Dating Apps Are a Bad Deal for High-Value Men. My argument there is about efficiency: if you do well in person, apps put you in heavy competition for a small pool of women, and they hide the things people find attractive in person, like presence and a sense of humor. The longest written version is It's Not You, It's the Dating Apps, from June 25, 2026. In it I describe 10 to 20 hours and $200 spent in one month across Hinge, Bumble and Tinder, no real match on Hinge or Bumble, and Tinder matches that were bots, spam or catfish. I also lay out my theory that the companies profit from keeping people swiping. That is a theory, not something I can prove.

The newest post is I'm Using YouTube as a Dating App, from September 18, 2026. I say I've deleted all the dating apps and need to stop approaching women in person. Instead, I plan to invite women who watch my videos to apply for a recorded Zoom date, with applications on a page on my site, and to publish those dates on my Dating channel. That channel was only three or four months old at the time and had about 112,000 views. The plan is a plan, not a result, so I won't claim it has worked yet.

Here is how my view changed, oldest to newest. In 2025 the problem was the pull of the apps themselves, and deleting them was the fix I trusted. By June 2026 I had gone back and forth, I was paying a matchmaker, and my conclusion had shifted from "I can't use these" to "they are a bad deal for men who do well in real life." By September I had moved the search onto YouTube. The thread through all of it is the same: the apps cost me time and money, and the results never matched the effort.

I still give the apps some credit. I met my first wife on Match.com in 2011, and I said in the high-value post that things were not nearly as skewed back then. My claim is narrower than "apps never work." For me, and for many men, the return now is too low for the time it takes.

The posts below are in full, newest first, after a contents list, so you can read the reasoning yourself rather than rely on my summary. If you want the story, start with the 2025 journal entry. If you want the argument, start with the June 2026 book piece.

If you are specifically deciding about Hinge, my notes on what it costs and why I keep deleting it are on the Hinge page. For the matchmaking side, which is where a lot of my money went this year, see the matchmaking page.

If you are weighing whether to stay on an app and want a second opinion on your own situation, you can get a personal video review from me at jerrybanfield.com/review.

I'm Using YouTube as a Dating App

From my video published September 18, 2026.

Where I'm starting from

I've spent tens of thousands of dollars this year dating, and absolutely nothing has worked. So I've got a new plan. I'm going to start using YouTube as a dating app. I'm going to tell you exactly how I'm going to do it and explain why I think this will finally be the thing that works.

If you're brand new to me for some reason, here's the background. I just got out of a 15-year marriage and relationship that includes two children I have 50/50 custody of. I see them almost every day, and I'm a big part of their lives. I still get along with my ex. I've been in a relationship for most of the time since 2011, and I got divorced last year, with part of the reason being that I want to have more kids and my ex didn't.

I am looking for a wife that I very much intend to support, despite what I posted about my net worth on my Jerry Banfield Money channel earlier. I showed my exact net worth on that channel, and despite that, I have huge earning capacity, huge earning potential, and I'm paying for everything right now just fine. I'm very interested in finding a second wife who is healthy, who wants to have kids, and who really loves me for me, who wants to be a part of the Jerry Banfield show.

Everything I tried this year

And my dating. I can't believe how much I've failed at dating in person. I've spent thousands of dollars on Hinge and Tinder. I paid for premium on all of them. I paid for Hinge and deleted it at least four times in the last year. I paid for Tinder Platinum and deleted it. I paid for Bumble and deleted it. I've spent $7,500 on matchmaking. I've had 10 matches, went out with nine of them on in-person dates, and not a single second date. Ghosted. "There's no chemistry."

And I've been wondering, what is wrong? I'm a good-looking guy. And yes, I am aiming high, but I'm not demanding the perfect-looking woman or anything like that. I just want a woman who is healthy, who wants kids, and who is really into me. I want a woman who's obsessed with me. Not one of these avoidant women where I have to text them five times and they barely get back to me. I want a woman who's obsessed with me.

And for some reason, everything I've been doing to date has failed. I've met women in person. I've met women through friends. I've picked women up at work. I've picked women up at the yoga studio. I've cold-approached women in the park at night. I wouldn't recommend that. That was probably the worst idea I've had. But I've tried everything in dating. I've managed to date one woman exclusively for a couple of weeks. It was awesome for the first week, and then it really went downhill, and I sent her a video called the Jerry Banfield Queen video, either to end things with her or to get back in line.

And I keep asking myself, how is it possible that I'm failing this hard? I've sent thousands and thousands of likes on Hinge. I've gotten one date that I actually enjoyed on Hinge. I spent at least $500 on Hinge roses, and none of them worked to get a single date.

Find your unique angle

What I've learned is that you've got to find your unique angle that you can work with in dating. You've got to find what you uniquely have to offer that will keep people interested, especially as a man these days, but it's really the same thing for women. What do you have to offer that is going to really get somebody excited? And it seems like I am utterly failing in person, on dating apps, and in matchmaking to deliver that.

Whereas I know people whose job title alone gets women over to their house on the first date to get laid. Literally their job title and their car. Other guys are able to meet women at work. Some guys are just willing to be patient and sit on dating apps for years. Other guys get chased down by women in grocery stores who give them their phone numbers. In all these cases, I've found people have certain things where they're doing really well, and they're able to focus on that and attract from there.

And it seems that, as a YouTuber, hardly any women want to go out with me on dating apps. Especially as a guy who already has kids and wants more. Take the single moms: being a YouTuber is totally putting the single moms off. I've just struck out so hard with single moms. And women who don't have kids are put off that I have kids, at least on dating apps, and often in person.

Being different is a liability in person

What my friends tell me is, "Jerry, you're an anomaly. You are not like most guys." And it seems, according to some people who know me well, that me being different from most men is often creeping a lot of normal, basic women out. "Ooh, this guy's different. That's weird. That's bad." And I'm shocked at how much this happens, because I look good enough to pick up very good-looking women in person, and I've done that. But then, when they start watching my YouTube videos, they just want to be friends.

So I've realized I've got to find a unique strategy for me. And I've realized that YouTube, what I do, has been a major liability in dating on dating apps, in person, and in matchmaking. I've had women literally tell me, "I watched your YouTube videos and I'm not interested anymore." It's because my weirdness, my difference, my open, heartfelt communication is often not appreciated, at least in my local area in St. Petersburg, Florida, or on dating apps.

But I've just realized something. What makes me almost undateable in person, on dating apps, and in matchmaking, what makes me special and different, is exactly what makes me succeed on YouTube. Me being different is what gets people to react to my videos and watch my videos, and it has helped me start six new YouTube channels from scratch and get millions of views on them in six months.

What works on YouTube

For example, I just documented that in a video I made on my Jerry Banfield for Creators channel. I called it The Most Valuable YouTube Training Ever for Small Channels. It breaks down exactly what I've done to get people to react to my videos for free. Tens of thousands of views, actually, we're over hundreds of thousands of views now, on people reacting to my videos for free. So me being unique, me being different, is what is leading me to be successful. I'm successful on YouTube, but it's destroying my dating life.

And I realized that there are women on YouTube all over the world who watch my videos. Some of those women are single, and some of those women may be fantasizing about me or crushing on me. Especially if I lean into this as a strategy and make my videos with the message, "Hey, I am single."

The plan: Zoom dates through jerrybanfield.com/date

So I'm going to set up a page on my website before this goes public. It'll be at jerrybanfield.com/date. And I'm going to invite women all over the world to have Zoom dates with me on my Jerry Banfield Dating channel. I'm going to use YouTube like a dating app.

Here's what I've been seeing. I've been getting a lot of views because of what I've been talking about on Jerry Banfield Dating. That channel is only three or four months old. What is it, September? So the channel is four months old, and it has gotten 112,000 views. And other channels reacting to my videos are getting even more views than my channel is. This channel is just me getting wrecked, me getting absolutely destroyed in dating. Look at the titles on the channel page:

"I Paid $750 to Get Ghosted"
"Dating Was Easier When I Was the Worst Person"
"I Get Dates on Hinge, In Person I'm Invisible"
"I Paid $625 to Argue With a Woman"
"She Said Her Date Was a Waste of Time and Walked Out"
"I Dated 22 Women After My Divorce"
"I Spent $5,000 on Matchmaking, Zero Second Dates"
"I Lost Two Dates by Waiting Two Days"

The channel has blown up because of that pattern: she's into me, and then I date a woman I'm not that into, and the whole thing goes sideways. My entire channel has blown up from me failing so badly at dating.

But I know there are women out there on YouTube who can't find a man either. They're different, too. Maybe it's you. You're different, and you feel like all the men you go out with are not right for you.

I just had a call with a woman yesterday who has such a positive opinion of me from watching my YouTube videos. She said so many nice things to me. She said, "You're beautiful. You look so attractive in your YouTube videos," which is me just showing up and being authentic. She said, "I love how open and honest and heartfelt you are." She said, "I have a hard time finding people that I like, and for some reason, I really like you."

And I realized I need to be using YouTube like a dating app. These videos I have are going out to hundreds of thousands of people. I've deleted all the dating apps. I need to stop approaching women in person. I need to stop even thinking that I'm going to meet a woman in person. I need to completely forget about anything in person with my dating and lean into YouTube.

So I'm setting up a page at jerrybanfield.com/date where women all over the world can go fill out an application on my website. It's totally free. They apply to have a Zoom date with me that will be recorded. If things go well, it will be edited if needed to take any personal information out, and then I'm planning to publish these dates on my Jerry Banfield Dating channel.

How getting destroyed built the channel

For those of you who have watched me talk about how I've gotten wrecked: I've even gotten into the Dabbleverse because of getting destroyed in dating. The Dabbleverse is really cool, and I got into it because of my dating, just utter destruction in dating. I met this woman I nicknamed the Queen, because I told her she was my queen. Nobody was watching this new vlog channel back then. But when I started talking about this woman I was dating, and I was so into her, I did a video crying. I was so excited. "This is it, I hear." And then she's gone. The Queen's gone. I posted that video and sold it for a few thousand. The dating going so badly in person is what got views on my channel and what got people interested.

And now I want to show you what an actual first date with me looks like. If there's some other woman out there who feels like she's different and can't find anybody, I think the most beautiful love story for me would be that a woman found my videos on YouTube. Then she scheduled a Zoom call with me. Then we had our first several dates directly on Zoom. Then those dates were literally published on my Jerry Banfield Dating channel. And from there, we met up in person.

So I have been working with the AI to figure out what I need to have on my application, checking for any potential problems, what I should have, what I shouldn't have, and how I should do my workflow. I've got a workflow set up that I think works pretty well at jerrybanfield.com/date. Any woman will be able to submit an application.

What I'm looking for

What I'm looking for is a woman who is healthy, who wants kids, and who is into me. Who actually likes me and likes my character, and who wants to do a Zoom call and have a few dates with me on Zoom to see if there's chemistry. There was one woman from matchmaking who was really toxic, and I didn't want to do a Zoom call with her. If I'm not going to get to use the Zoom call for content, I sure don't want to do a Zoom call when I can meet you in person.

And the final thing is that a woman would need to be willing to relocate to St. Petersburg, Florida, because I'm rooted here until my children are adults. I'm kind of stuck where I'm at. So I'm opening my heart, I'm opening my Zoom calls, and I'm opening my applications to any woman anywhere in the world who would be willing to relocate to date me.

Abundance over scarcity

I'm going to have as many Zoom dates with as many different women as I can, and I'm going to be totally transparent. Every woman will be able to see the other Zoom dates I'm having. What I really hope I'm sharing is the abundance mindset. I notice that in person, where I've been getting crushed, it's the scarcity mindset. I meet the woman I call the Queen, and then, "Oh my God, it didn't work out with her. I have to use dating apps. I can't meet anybody."

And the truth is, I know there are thousands, if not tens of thousands of women, maybe even more. At least tens of thousands worldwide, maybe hundreds of thousands or millions, optimistically, if we get into every country in the world. But there are at a minimum probably 10,000 women who watch YouTube who would see my videos and say, "I love this guy. I would love to date this guy. I would move to be with this guy."

I was just hearing a story about a woman from the Bronx who met a guy in Pakistan online. She went to Pakistan to try to be with him, and his family immediately said no. Then she was kind of stuck and broke in Pakistan, and she demanded money, and Pakistan ended up flying her back to the US. There are women like that all over the world who would see me and say, "I've got to date this guy, because I feel like I'm different, and he's obviously different." That's what I'm looking for.

Let her obsess first

I was talking to one of my guy friends, and he said, "You need the woman to be obsessed over you. You've got to stop obsessing over these women. The women want to obsess over you." And when a woman obsesses over me, I want to obsess over her back. But it seems like it doesn't work if I try to obsess over the woman first. It's been putting them off.

That's where my YouTube videos come in. A big part of dating seems to be anticipation and fantasy, and a woman watching my videos over and over has a chance to anticipate and build some fantasy about me. Whereas in person, I guess I'm ruining the anticipation and the fantasy somehow by being so honest, so direct, and so available. I'm completely emotionally available. I'm not dating anyone right now. There are women, certainly, where things could potentially go somewhere. If the Queen reached out and changed her mind, for example, and there are phone numbers. But there's nobody I'm talking to who has expressed clear interest in me and wants to date me. So I'm completely open and available, and I'm imagining something amazing is going to happen on YouTube.

I'm enjoying demonstrating this abundance mindset I have. Using dating apps like Hinge, Tinder, and Bumble felt like such scarcity, like the odds were stacked against me. And I realize that on YouTube, the odds are stacked in my favor, because most people in my position who are single would not be broadcasting that to everyone on YouTube. Although this guy Lord Hec on Hec Speaks talks about how he's single right now, and I'm surprised he doesn't set up a dating show like this for himself. He goes through all kinds of stuff with women in person, like I've been doing. But I want women all over the world to be able to reach out to me.

Transparency as a filter

What works well for me is my transparency and authenticity, and yet my YouTube videos have been putting women off in person. Part of that is that I haven't had a chance to introduce myself to that many women in person. I've gone out with around 25 women in person in 2026. On YouTube, it's a different scale. I said I imagine tens of thousands of women would love to be with me, but obviously there are billions who wouldn't be. And what's nice is that my authenticity and my transparency filter. On YouTube, I can afford to filter. On Hinge, Tinder, Bumble, in person, and in matchmaking, I'm filtering almost every woman out immediately. "He's too honest about his divorce." "Oh, his financial situation. I'm not interested in that." "Oh, he's divorced and has kids. No, that's not going to work." Because I'm so forthcoming and transparent, it's filtering out everyone in person.

But what's beautiful is that on YouTube, I can find outliers. I can find women who will have an unusual reaction to me. Perhaps 90-plus percent of women, maybe even 95 or 98 percent of women, are going to be filtered out by my radical, energetic, open, loving approach to life. At least in person, it seems that's filtering almost every single woman. And I want a queen. I want a woman where we can have a deep, beautiful relationship. I don't want a surface-level hookup relationship. I want marriage. I want family. That seems to filter out a bunch of women in person, too, because they want to fantasize about that stuff or something, and they wonder if the man's just there to get laid or whatever. I don't know what's happening. A lot of women just keep saying that they're not feeling the connection, that there's no spark there, that it's just not right with me, that they watched my YouTube videos and they're not feeling it anymore, that we could just be friends. I'm getting every kind of filter in person.

But on YouTube, I can reach an outlier. Hundreds of thousands of women have already watched my videos and are going to see more of them over the coming months. What happens when there are 10 or 20 women who are single and have a very unusual response? An unusual response would be, "Oh my God, I love this guy. I've got to date him." That's an unusual response. So I'm really excited for this part of my journey.

What my ex never liked

I love the idea of meeting my future wife on YouTube, because one of the big things in my marriage that ended was that my ex did not like my business, or me being an entrepreneur, or me doing YouTube, even when it paid all the bills. She at least tolerated and appreciated that, but she never liked it. She would have preferred, and is now dating, someone who's a regular corporate guy with a regular job and a regular paycheck. She thought I was going to be that guy when she started dating me. But then I became an entrepreneur and a YouTuber after we started dating. So I kind of bait-and-switched her. I didn't know I was going to do it either, to be fair.

What I'm really interested in is this: I know I could do so much with content creation if I had a woman who loved my content, watched my content, supported me, gave me feedback, and said, "Look, you're killing it in that one. Do more of that." Or, "This title was really good." Or, "Hey, let's do this video together where we talk about dating."

Where this could go

I'm imagining for the long term, too. What happens when I do meet a woman on YouTube? Then I'm not going to be having first dates with women on YouTube anymore. But then I could roll my channel over into a matchmaking service, where I could interview men, and women could come on my channel, and they could present themselves to everybody on YouTube. We could help all of us who love YouTube and are a little different connect with each other. It seems to me that YouTube should be facilitating connections better than Hinge, Tinder, and Bumble, because there's so much more depth you can get to on YouTube.

So this is my current plan. I'm so excited to see who's going to be the first woman to come on my channel and do the first Zoom date with me. I'm really looking forward to this.

The shirts on eBay

If you're a big fan of the show, I am actually selling this shirt that I'm wearing right now. I wore this shirt on Who Are These Podcasts for the first time, and now it's on eBay. I want a woman to appreciate the business sense I have. There are six days left in the auction, and you can bid on the shirt right now. If you have any special requests, like you want it autographed in a certain place, I'll accept those special requests for whoever wins the auction. You can tell me if you want it autographed in a certain spot, or cut the sleeves off, or whatever. That's for whoever wins the auction. So I've got this shirt up there, the one I'm wearing right now, and then I have the shirt I met the Queen in. This is the shirt I was wearing when I met her, and it's also up for auction right now. We've got six bids on it already.

I want a woman to appreciate that this guy is so creative: he's wearing shirts in videos and then selling the shirts on eBay. I want a woman who is going to inspire me and help me get to the top of my YouTube game, who's going to be obsessed over me, and who wants the Jerry Banfield experience. I'm very empathic. So a woman who's obsessed with me and just loves me and wants all she can get of me makes me want to give that back. I love being obsessed with a woman and just being all over each other and thinking about each other all the time, having a ride or die partnership. That's what I want.

So I think YouTube is going to be the very best place to attract that. And the Zoom dates, regardless of how they go, will be great content. Thanks for watching. I'm so excited to start seeing who applies at jerrybanfield.com/date.

You can follow every Zoom date, and everything that led here, in my Dating playlist.

It's Not You, It's the Dating Apps

Originally published June 25, 2026.

It’s not you. It’s the dating apps.

I’ve spent a decade in the online dating world, and while I did meet my first wife on Match.com back in 2011, the landscape has deteriorated dramatically since then. I’ve recently gone back onto Bumble, Hinge, Tinder, and others just to see what the modern experience feels like. After diving in again, what I can tell you is simple and blunt: these dating apps are horrible. In these pages, I’m sharing not only my experience but also what I’ve observed and learned from other people, because I want you to have a clear understanding of what’s really going on.

If you’ve tried deleting dating apps and always found yourself reinstalling them because you don’t know what else to do, this book is for you. If you feel the apps are toxic but have no clear path forward, this book is for you. If you want honest insight into what these platforms look and feel like from the inside—not just for you, but for many others—I’ll share all of that here.

My primary hope in writing this is actually personal. I want to remember that dating apps are never an option for me again. They’re a waste of time and a direct sabotage of my real life. I wrote a book called I Was Famous on the Internet, where I explained what the top levels of online fame genuinely look like and why I deleted millions of followers. The truth is, the same psychological dynamics show up in dating apps: the illusion of possibility, the addiction to swiping, and the emptiness that follows. If you understand those patterns, you’ll see the connection immediately.

Let’s get directly to the point. What I’ve observed—both in my life and in the stories of many others—is that dating apps are a waste of time and a waste of money for most people. The results, regardless of who you are, tend to be zero. In the last month alone, as a soon-to-be-divorced dad at age forty-one, I put somewhere between 10 and 20 hours plus $200 into three different apps: Hinge, Bumble, and Tinder, the most popular options in Saint Petersburg, Florida. I haven’t tried Facebook Dating because I don’t have a Facebook profile anymore, and without an established profile with hundreds of friends, it’s not worth bothering with. Even if you do have a built-out profile, Facebook Dating has many of the same fundamental issues as the other platforms while also running the risk of using the app addictively to watch reels and scroll indefinitely.

I even tried a niche sober-dating app and still got absolutely no activity. What I noticed most consistently was how terrible I felt after using any of these apps. Every session left me with that sickened sense of wasting my time—time I could have spent writing this book, which might earn me $10,000+ and help a lot of people. Creating something like this feels like a meaningful contribution. Swiping for an hour accomplishes nothing.

I did technically get matches on Tinder, but every single one of them was a bot, a spam account, or a blatant fake. On Bumble and Hinge, I spent hours adjusting settings, using the premium features, and experimenting with every possible strategy—tight geographic filters, wide geographic filters, niche interests, broad interests. I swiped generously on anyone I found remotely attractive. I sent messages and boosted my profile. I used super-likes and compliments. I did everything these companies claim will increase your chances. Weeks later, I hadn’t received a single real match.

And I know the natural temptation if you don’t know me is to think, “Well, maybe you’re unattractive or overweight or your profile is bad.” No, it’s the apps. I’ll share examples from people who objectively have more to offer than I do—at least in the categories dating apps claim to reward—and they’re getting nearly identical results.

In person, it’s a completely different story for me. I consistently have great conversations with women, get phone numbers, and connect with attractive women who genuinely want to spend time with me. My soon-to-be-ex-wife, at the time I’m narrating this, is beautiful. We have beautiful children. I had a very attractive wife for 12 years. I’m a good-looking man—probably an eight if you like a clean-shaven guy with short hair. I’m athletic and in shape. A few days ago I played singles tennis for 2.5 hours, sprinting around the court the entire time. There’s nothing structurally wrong with my face; everything is symmetrical. I go to yoga, and over the last several years I’ve had crushes on a couple of gorgeous women there, women who clearly liked me back even while I was married, which was its own form of torture.

I have a lot to offer. I’m not pretending I’m a ten, but I’m nowhere near the bottom. I’m an author—which is a turn-on for a lot of women, though not all. Some don’t care, but those who love books get genuinely excited when they find out what I do. I put real effort into my dating profiles with five or six different pictures—dressy ones, athletic ones, photos with my dogs. I showed my profile to my soon-to-be-ex-wife and she said it looked accurate and appealing, much better than the Match.com profile she liked back in 2011. I’ve shown it to other women. I’ve shown it to ChatGPT. Every piece of feedback I received was positive. I made every suggested tweak. Not one real match.

I’ve swiped yes on hundreds of profiles. Not one match on Hinge. Not one match on Bumble. That’s over ten hours of time, thousands of swipes, and hundreds of dollars in premium payments. On Tinder, the only “matches” were catfish accounts and bots. If that’s what I’m getting, most men are getting far worse.

Now, are there men who outperform the rest of us on dating apps? Yes. I found one example on Reddit that finally convinced me to delete all these apps for good. This guy presented himself as a top-tier outlier. According to what he wrote, he’s thirty-seven years old and around a nine in attractiveness. He earns a great income and rated himself very highly in almost every category. He said he spent over $3,000 on professional photos, including coaching on modeling and posing. I’ve actually seen women with similar photos—high-end, professional, curated shots—so I believe him. I’ll talk about one of those women in a later chapter, along with what the dating experience looks like for women, because it can be brutal for them too despite the illusion that they have endless options.

Back to this guy. He said he’s a digital marketer, which I am as well. He rated his sales copy—the words on his profile—at nine out of ten. I’d rate mine at least an eight. My photos maybe a seven. I didn’t spend $3,000, but I put in real work.

He claimed he matched with about 20 to 30 percent of the women he liked. Compared to that, I didn’t get a single real match on Bumble or Hinge. He said he would spend 30 minutes to an hour a day swiping and messaging, getting several matches he found attractive every day. When he traveled to a big city, he received hundreds of likes in the first few days. He said he dated for years using dating apps and accumulated thousands of matches—thousands of mutual likes where both sides wanted to connect. But even for him, the top-tier outlier with professional photos, money, looks, and perfect marketing, about ninety-something percent of his matches never responded at all or fell off early in messaging.

The Illusion of Connection

My experience on Tinder matched the pattern I kept seeing everywhere: occasional “matches” with profiles that looked attractive, followed by a single reply that didn’t even acknowledge the message I sent, and then complete silence. This was identical to what the guy on Reddit described. If he had thousands of matches, and around nine hundred of them never responded after the first message—or disappeared immediately afterward—that tells you something is deeply broken. A tiny percentage of conversations dropped off because of him, but the overwhelming majority were women disappearing for no reason. Then there was another small slice where the conversation died the moment he tried to move things into real life. He estimated that only about 2% of his thousands of matches resulted in an actual meetup.

Out of the twenty or so women he met in person, he said only a couple were women he would have approached in real life. He got a few hookups, but the rest of the connections fizzled or felt flat. What stood out most was how much time and energy he admitted spending. He said the hours he invested were “truly shocking,” putting in five to ten hours a week just to secure a handful of dates. That’s more than some people put into a part-time job.

His concluding observations were clear. He said Hinge was the best of the major apps, while Bumble and Tinder were garbage, and that the rest weren’t even worth downloading. His theory—and it’s one that makes sense to me—is that the app companies inflate activity using old or inactive profiles, bots, and possibly overseas contractors to simulate engagement. Based on my background as someone who once had millions of followers online, I have a pretty good intuitive sense of what happens behind the scenes on platforms that depend on endless engagement. That’s exactly what it felt like while I was using these dating apps.

These companies make enormous amounts of money, and their profit depends on keeping users swiping, subscribing, and staying hooked. They make the most money when you never actually find a partner but keep believing you’re close. That creates a massive incentive for them to cheat. It would be trivial for them to recycle old photos, run bots, or hire overseas contractors to manage thousands of fake or semi-active profiles at a time. These workers might earn a few dollars an hour while keeping the illusion of activity alive. According to him—and this matches my experience exactly—there’s an enormous amount of bot-driven or fraudulent activity on these platforms.

He also said that most of the women he met weren’t women he would have approached in real life. My results were nearly identical. Before marrying my wife, I used dating apps between 2002 and 2011, back when the bot problem was much smaller. Profiles were more real, the apps were cheaper, and many were free. Scammers existed, but nothing like today. Even back then, the reality of going out with someone from dating apps was often disappointing. I learned the hard way that many women posted old photos, and you’d show up on a date to discover they were a hundred pounds heavier than the pictures. Over time I did get hookups, and I even got a girlfriend during that era, but the process was still clunky and unpredictable. Fourteen years ago, dating apps were better—but even then, they weren’t great.

Today almost all the major apps are owned by one giant company, Match Group, and the entire ecosystem feels corrupted. Something feels dark behind the scenes, something beyond normal corporate behavior. Just logically, even if you strip away emotion, it shouldn’t be this bad. You see women on their profiles complaining about these apps all the time. That alone proves it's not just a “men’s issue.” The guy on Reddit’s experience mirrors what another friend of mine went through, and this friend is someone I know extremely well.

This friend is a good-looking guy in person. He and I could practically be stand-ins for each other. I’m 5'11", tall enough to avoid triggering the height filter that knocks so many men out of consideration before they get started. Women often prefer taller men, and I’m right at the sweet spot. I weigh around 175 pounds with about 125 pounds of muscle. The guy I’m talking about locally is almost identical—tall, fit, athletic. He easily hooks up with attractive women he meets in person. I’ve literally watched him do it. He can walk up to a hot woman, say a few things, and they’re flirting immediately.

On dating apps, though, I asked him what his experience had been. He told me he estimated he’d put around 1,000 hours into dating apps over the last decade. Hundreds and hundreds of matches, possibly over a thousand, similar to the Reddit guy. Out of all of that, he only met two real women. One of them was a gorgeous girl in her early twenties, but she came from a seriously dysfunctional home and seemed desperate to escape it, so their connection didn’t go anywhere. The other woman wasn’t attractive online or in person, and he didn’t want a second date.

He said, “Jerry, I’ve tried all the dating apps. I’ve spent hundreds, maybe a thousand hours on them. I met two actual girls. That’s it.” And I believe him completely. If he had spent those 1,000 hours approaching women in person, he probably would have met his wife—maybe multiple times. Instead, all those hours evaporated. Nothing to show for it.

These stories combined with what I read from the Reddit guy, who posted that account just seven days ago, gave me clarity. His experience, my friend’s experience, and my own all arrive at the same conclusion: it’s not you. It’s the dating apps. Something is rigged. The companies are probably cheating by manipulating engagement, pumping fake activity into the ecosystem, and keeping people stuck long enough to drain money out of them. If you'd rather spend that energy building a real life instead, you can schedule a private call with me and we'll work through it together.

The Business Model Is Designed to Trap You

The business models behind these dating apps are incredibly predatory. Their primary goal is to push you into buying premium features, and they make that extremely easy by hiding the very information you want most—who liked you. They know that once you hit that invisible wall, you’ll be tempted to pay just to see one face. And because bots or low-quality contractor accounts can drop a like on your profile at any moment, you get excited, upgrade your subscription, and then immediately discover that the “like” wasn’t worthwhile at all.

Another harsh reality is that a large percentage of the real profiles on these apps are women I’m simply not attracted to—most commonly extremely overweight or entirely incompatible with me. Out of the one like I did get on Bumble, it turned out to be a woman who was significantly overweight, someone I would not have approached in person. I choose to spend $30 just to find that out. So there I was, paying money to learn that a woman I wasn’t interested in liked my profile. After that, I swiped harder and harder, and not a single attractive woman liked me back on Bumble. On Hinge, I didn’t even get the courtesy of one big girl. I got nothing. And on Tinder, all I encountered were catfish accounts.

Catfishing is a massive problem on these platforms, especially on Tinder. I’ve heard the same is true for Facebook Dating, which is apparently filled with scammers. If you’re not familiar with the term, a catfish is essentially a scammer pretending to be someone they’re not. Many of the “hot girl” profiles you see on dating apps fall into two categories. The first category is girls who are pushing their OnlyFans accounts. They create dating profiles not to meet anyone but to drive traffic to their Instagram or Snapchat. Once you follow, the funnel begins: they work to get you to subscribe to their OnlyFans. I saw so many gorgeous-looking profiles with Instagram handles in the bio, and it’s pointless to swipe on them because most of the time those women aren’t even checking the app. The profile exists solely to build their follower count elsewhere.

If someone lists an Instagram or Snapchat on their dating profile, that’s almost always the workflow. Occasionally you might stumble onto a real person, but even then your first message may land in their filtered folder and never be seen. These profiles aren’t looking to date you—they’re looking to drain you financially. Another manifestation of this is escorts. I even saw a profile that flat-out said, “I’m just here for business purposes,” which is code for paying for sex. These women are on the apps to take money from you, not build a relationship.

Then there are the profiles with no women behind them at all—just men running scams. I know a guy who used dating apps constantly for years. He’d swipe on these hot profiles, then jump over to Instagram to find them, follow them, like all their photos. And when he did successfully connect with some of them on either platform, it was always the same pattern: they would soon start asking him for money. Over the years, he ended up sending thousands—maybe even tens of thousands—of dollars to scam accounts. They always had dramatic stories ready, like, “I’m being kidnapped right now and I need $1,000 to pay the ransom,” or “My family is starving,” or “I need money to travel and see you.” This guy truly believed he was forming emotional connections. But in almost every case, the messages were coming from a man posing as a woman, slowly working him over. The rare times he got to FaceTime someone, it was usually a woman overseas, often hiding her face or claiming she couldn’t talk, which only made the whole situation more suspicious. He lost a lot of money to catfish accounts he originally found on dating apps.

I’ve developed an intuitive sense for these fake profiles. When one of them matched with me on Tinder, I could feel immediately that it wasn’t a real woman. It was someone setting me up to send money while giving me absolutely nothing in return. When you put all these experiences together, the picture becomes painfully obvious.

Some people might say, “What about the couples who met on dating apps?” And yes, those couples exist. That is actually part of the trap. Dating apps work just enough of the time to keep you addicted and hopeful. But the larger question is whether you would have met someone else anyway if you weren’t wasting time swiping. In most cases, the answer is yes. If I had spent the 10 or 20 hours I wasted on dating apps going to a run club with lots of attractive women, or volunteering somewhere, or getting a job where I’d naturally interact with women, or smiling at women in the gym, or even working on my books in a café, I probably would have met someone in person.

Dating apps do work sometimes—randomly, unpredictably—and yes, I met my first wife on Match.com in 2011. I once got a girlfriend just by randomly friending women on Facebook back when that was possible. And years ago, I had many more dates from dating apps. But today the apps feel worse than ever, and the time and money required to even get a chance is simply not worth it. There’s a massive opportunity cost: all the things you could have been doing with that time instead of sitting at home staring at your phone. There’s also a hidden psychological cost. The apps give you the illusion that you’re doing something meaningful by swiping, as if you’re actively working on your dating life. But in reality, they drain you. When I’m not using dating apps, I’m much more motivated to approach women in person and design my life so I naturally cross paths with women. When I’m using the apps, I feel like I already “put in the effort,” so when I’m out in real life I find myself thinking, “I already swiped for an hour today. I shouldn’t have to pick someone up in person.”

We’ll talk later about what to do instead of using dating apps, but this first section is about making one thing absolutely clear: it’s not you—it’s the apps. They create an experience that almost nobody actually enjoys. Nearly everyone using these platforms is only there to get through the app as quickly as possible and eventually meet someone in person. Dating apps are like the old saying about going around your ass to get to your elbow—massively inefficient even when they “work.”

Soon we’ll dive into the alternatives, but before that, let’s talk about what the experience is like for women on these apps, because their side of this is just as revealing.

Women Hate Dating Apps Too

Dating apps from a woman’s perspective are not the fantasy a lot of men imagine. Yes, I’m a guy, but I’ve talked to many women about their experiences, and the reality is that dating apps aren’t great for them either. Even for attractive women, the platforms usually push them into paying for premium versions because they can’t see who liked them without upgrading. And while people assume good-looking women get flooded with matches, that’s not how it always plays out. Swiping takes time, matches often take days or weeks, and many women prefer to check their likes first rather than blindly swipe through strangers.

A friend of mine recently tried dating apps for a few months after taking several years off. She signed up for Hinge and immediately paid for the premium version. She’s in her forties, attractive in person, athletic, sober—a genuinely high-quality partner for any man looking for something real. Yet she told me there were weeks where she didn’t match with a single person. Think about that as a guy: a woman you would assume could get picked up effortlessly in real life, and she went weeks without one match. Most of the likes she did receive were from men she had no interest in. Occasionally she would get several matches at once, but those conversations usually went nowhere.

A lot of the messages she received turned sexual immediately, at which point she would unmatch the guy. Even with men she genuinely liked, many of them stopped responding, ghosted her, or simply never followed up. After several months on dating apps, she only went out with one man. They’re still dating today, and it seems like a genuinely good relationship, but the reality stands: a woman who is attractive, sober, and athletic got one date out of months of effort.

For an average woman, or especially for a woman who is overweight—which accounts for a large portion of the real profiles on these apps—the experience can be brutal. Many overweight women either try hard to avoid showing their bodies or swing to the opposite extreme, posting overtly sexual photos, posing in bras and panties, or using cleavage as their lead picture. Dating apps push women into sexualizing themselves for attention, and the male response pattern reinforces it. But being immediately sexualized is not a positive experience. It’s exhausting. And it’s not what most women I know actually want.

Women who use these apps often tell me that a noticeable percentage of the men they match with are only interested in hookups, and many push aggressively for sex on the first date. Most women I know want a real relationship. They want someone who courts them, takes them out, gets to know them, and builds a friendship first. Trying to do that on dating apps is difficult because the men on these apps are often not looking for that kind of connection.

Some men do find success. I’ve got a friend who met his girlfriend on Hinge a couple of years ago. He was on the multiple apps for months. This guy is over six feet tall, a yoga instructor, a good-looking man in great shape. Before meeting his current girlfriend, he went out with a woman online who turned out to be toxic. She didn’t like that he still lived with his dad in his late thirties and already had a child, and the whole thing ended badly. He had just about given up when he matched with an amazing woman. They’ve been together for years now. But again—he’s tall, he’s ripped, he’s a yoga instructor and personal trainer. He’s not the average man with a belly, a patchy beard, and zero fitness routine.

Yes, sometimes people do meet someone great on dating apps. But that’s the exception, not the rule. When you look at many women’s profiles, you see bitterness, exhaustion, and sadness. A lot of them hate being on the apps. Many women I’ve talked to refuse to use dating apps at all anymore. One woman I spoke with recently—late twenties, wants kids, very attractive, extremely compatible with me in several ways—said she wasn’t dating anyone at all because dating apps had burned her out. Too many men pushing for hookups. Too many bad experiences. She gave up on the whole process.

When women use dating apps, it keeps this hope alive for men that maybe someone real is out there using them. But the ratio on these apps is skewed. There are far more men than women, and the women who are on there often feel overwhelmed, exhausted, or unable to find what they’re looking for. Things rarely play out the way people expect.

I know another woman—truly stunning, at least the last time I saw her a couple years ago. She’s one of the women I had a crush on and she liked me back. It got uncomfortable because she knew I was married, and she said she didn’t want to repeat her pattern of getting involved with men who were taken. I reassured her we were just being friendly, but in hindsight now that I’m getting divorced, part of me wishes I’d just separated sooner and married her instead. She’s a perfect ten—absolutely gorgeous. Even though I was married at the time, I got her phone number the first time I met her and saw her every week for a year or so during which time she was not dating.

Her experience on dating apps? After a year of not dating, she ended up meeting a man who looks a lot like the yoga instructor I mentioned earlier. But she had to drive an hour to see him because there were no good matches in her own city. Again—this is a woman who could walk into a grocery store and have men passing out she’s so hot, yet on dating apps she chose to travel an hour away just to meet someone decent.

She’d been through a hard chapter and come out of it healthy and grounded, and she wanted a partner living the same kind of stable, sober-minded life. She met this guy. He was tall, muscular, good-looking—but not stable. His sobriety was shaky. He was struggling with his career. Within a month, he got her pregnant. They got married, and he relapsed and went back to drinking. She divorced him. And this is a woman who looks like she stepped off the cover of a fitness magazine.

You would assume a woman like that could have any man she wants on dating apps. But dating apps push women into superficiality. They get flooded with likes and can’t tell one man from another, so they rely on easy shortcuts: height, muscles, fitness. And that’s how she ended up choosing the guy she met instead of someone similar to me—someone she liked, respected, connected with, and trusted. Someone who was sober longer than she had been. Someone she had real emotional chemistry with. But on a dating app, she certainly overlooked fifty guys like me in favor of a personal trainer.

That’s what dating apps do. They distort everything—real compatibility, natural chemistry, sobriety, values, long-term potential. All of it gets buried under superficial metrics that don’t tell you anything meaningful about someone’s character. If you want help getting honest about your own dating life and what's actually working, you can schedule a one-on-one call with me and bring it to our call.

Why Dating Apps Make Everyone More Superficial and Desperate

When a woman is on dating apps and has what looks like her pick of the best-looking men, it does not put her in a strong position. Even my friend who is a perfect ten went out on a date with a guy who was completely wrong for her and annoying before she met the man who eventually got her pregnant. That is the trap: even if you are an incredibly beautiful woman, dating apps still push you into bad decisions, because they encourage you to choose based on surface-level traits rather than real compatibility.

Using these apps tends to create a kind of desperation. This beautiful friend of mine ended up in a situation where a man she barely knew got her pregnant, even though there were clear red flags. I told her that his sobriety was shaky and that I was sure she could do better. Everyone close to her was telling her to slow down, and here she was rushing in with a guy who had barely gotten his own life together. But because she was desperate for connection and had instant access to attractive men through the apps, she ignored all of that. The second man she went out with from the apps got her pregnant. A few years later, she is now divorced and a single mom. She made her life much harder, even though she had been in a position where she could have had almost anyone. I knew at least ten men that would have given anything to be with her and might have had a much better relationship outcome.

That is one of the darkest parts of dating apps. They make it hard to see what actually matters in a person and incredibly easy to focus only on the surface. When you are scrolling through profiles, it becomes second nature to prioritize looks, height, muscles, and money signals over character, values, and long-term suitability. The whole system is designed to emphasize the shallow.

I talked to someone else who had insight into how high-end men use these apps. He said that if you are the kind of guy who can offer women access to yachts, private jets, and luxury experiences—and you signal that in your profile—you end up attracting the majority of the hottest women on these apps. That is what the most attractive women are often responding to in that environment. Suddenly it makes sense why so many profiles read like they were written by bots and mention “travel” constantly. A lot of women are on these apps looking for men who will fly them out, take them on yachts, do drugs with them, or pay to show them the world. They are not sifting carefully through personality traits. They are overwhelmed and not investing energy into evaluating character. Dating apps are simply too shallow of a medium to let your real personality come through.

What you truly need for compatibility is personality. My incredibly attractive friend did not just need a good-looking guy; she needed someone who genuinely cared about her, was compatible with her, and had solid sobriety and stability. She needed a man who would not start drinking again and threaten to blow up her entire life. She needed someone who could take care of himself emotionally and spiritually, not just someone who looked good in photos. You cannot see that in a set of curated pictures and a couple of lines of text.

Guys know that posting pictures that signal money or fitness gets more attention, so they double down on that, even when they have deeper qualities to offer. For women, even the hottest ones, it becomes nearly impossible to sort through the endless stream of men. It is incredibly hard to pick a winner when everything you see is just images and one-liners. My friend did not pick a winner; she picked a loser. If she had picked a winner, she would probably still be happily married with a stable partner and maybe more kids. Instead, she chose a man who relapsed, and the relationship collapsed.

With just a handful of photos and a short bio, it is almost impossible to tell who is truly a good man and who is hiding major issues. You really need to see someone in person to feel them out. Women, especially, need to see men in real life to get a proper read. From a man’s perspective, unless we are cartoonishly superficial and able to flash photos of yachts, jets, designer clothes, and stacks of money, we struggle on these apps because many of the things women love about us, like a sense of humor, can only be observed in person. And even if we can signal wealth like that, we mostly attract women who only want those things, which is not what most men are really looking for.

Most of us men shine in person. Men often are shallow enough to swipe based almost entirely on whether a woman is physically attractive, and many of us will tolerate nearly anything if she is hot enough. Women, however, are much more energetic and intuitive in how they read men. They feel our vibe in person. They pay attention to presence, eye contact, tone, and behavior. They need to meet men in real life to see who we actually are and whether we are compatible. If my friend had refused to use dating apps and trusted her intuition in person instead, I am certain she would have ended up with a much better partner.

This woman was so beautiful that tons of men knew her and were in love with her. I like to think I was one of the few who could have genuinely dated her if I had been single, but whether that is true or not, the point stands: she could have had her pick from hundreds of men she knew in real life. Men whose character, stability, and energy she could have read clearly over time. If she had stayed off dating apps, I believe she would have found a healthier relationship with someone who truly fit her life.

But because she had access to dating apps, she got pulled out of her natural environment and into that superficial marketplace. She was not really using her intuition. She was desperate, he was good looking, they were sexually attracted to each other, and a few years later the story ended in divorce. That is the pattern these apps create over and over again.

For men, we need to be seen in person for women to fully appreciate who we are and what we bring to the table. And we need to see women in person as well, because many women look far better in real life and have a kind of energy you will never feel from a profile photo. If you are a regular-looking guy, you can absolutely attract a very attractive woman based on your personality, presence, and sense of humor. A lot of women say in their profiles that they want a man who makes them laugh, but it is nearly impossible to demonstrate that on a dating app.

I know a guy who is short, and he has had attractive partners in real life—a beautiful ex-wife and another attractive woman he met at work. He is always able to flirt and get women to like him and pick them up in person because he is funny, playful, and engaging. On a dating app, though, he would struggle because his height gets screened out by filters. Women will superficially screen against short men the same way men screen against weight. In person, this guy can completely bypass that barrier with his personality. Online, he cannot show that off effectively.

That is the core problem: on dating apps you cannot show much beyond the superficial. You can post a few photos, write a few lines, and that is it. So even for most women, dating apps are miserable. I know you might have friends who met their partner on a dating app, but in many of those cases, I sincerely believe they would have met someone else—possibly someone better—through real-life activities. The story of how they met would likely have been more meaningful too.

Which brings me to an important question: what do you want your story to be?

My story with my first wife is that I met her on Match.com after nine years of mostly dating online. From 2002 to 2011, aside from a year and a half with one girlfriend and three months with another, I spent most of my dating life on apps and websites. I wasted an enormous amount of time. I was constantly trying to pick women up in person as well, but I spent so much time on the apps that it took away from the opportunities I could have had offline.

The hottest girl I had sex with during that entire period was someone I met in person at work, not online. She was an absolute ten. I would have never matched with her in a thousand hours on a dating app. Back then, I was maybe a seven or eight at best and more overweight than I am now. But because we met at work, she got to know me, and we ended up having sex and falling in love. It became really toxic, and I wrote about that whole situation in my book Officer Banfield—she was the dispatcher. That relationship never would have happened through a dating app, but it did happen because we saw each other every day in real life.

I want my story to be that I met someone in real life—at yoga, at a meeting, at a café, at the gym, at a book event—somewhere where our paths crossed naturally. I do not want my story to be that I sat alone in my house for hundreds of hours swiping, spent hundreds of dollars on dating apps, and eventually matched with one average woman to marry and have more kids with. I want to be able to say, “I met this incredible woman while I was out doing this thing I love, and we clicked because we were compatible in real life.” I want to enjoy the time before I meet her instead of numbing myself with endless swiping. I talk through all of this, and how dating is going for me, in my Dating playlist.

That leads directly into the next question: if I am not using dating apps, how am I going to date today? How am I actually going to meet people in real life? If you want help taking that same real-life-first approach, you can book a private call with me and we'll take it on together.

25 Ideas for Dating Without Apps

The hardest part of giving up dating apps is facing that moment of “Okay… now what?” The apps make everything feel deceptively easy. You download them, swipe a little, and it gives you the illusion that you’re actively doing something to find a partner. But from everything I’ve experienced—and everything I’ve watched men and women go through—dating apps are a massive waste of time and money. The real cost is the opportunity cost: all the things you could be doing with your time instead of sitting at home scrolling through profiles of people you’ll never meet.

If you already work online or spend time playing video games, watching movies, or consuming endless online entertainment, the combination can become lethal. That’s how I spent much of my twenties—dating online while also living online—and it swallowed years of my life. Today, most of my life is offline. I’m working out, playing tennis, walking my kids to and from school, talking with friends and family, handing out my books, having real conversations, and going to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. I have a real life now, and I refuse to let dating suck me back into sitting on my couch swiping through strangers.

Here are at twenty-five ideas to help you date without apps. I’m using the majority of these already and will try the rest that I have not. I will also write a book on how this all worked once I am in my new relationship from applying these ideas.

1. Attend local events or festivals.

Farmer’s markets, art walks, street fairs, book festivals—places where people often show up alone or in small groups. You’re looking for environments where single people naturally go. If you don’t know of any, this is your chance to ask friends and family. Ask the single guys where they go. Ask single women where they go. Ask them what events they like. Asking for advice has helped me more than anything else because people will point you toward things you didn’t even know existed.

2. Join community classes.

Cooking, pottery, improv, photography, language lessons—anything. If your mind reacts like mine did (“Fuck that, I don’t want to try anything new”), then that’s a sign you need it. Trying new things builds character. Every time I push myself to do something unfamiliar, life becomes more interesting. You learn, you grow, and you meet new people.

3. Volunteer for a cause.

Animal shelters, beach cleanups, charity events—anything that puts you around people who care about something. For me, attending Alcoholics Anonymous is a form of volunteering. I’ve been sober for eleven years, and showing up consistently is a service. While I don’t meet many single women in AA, I meet plenty of men who want to talk about dating and share their experiences. And sometimes, I do meet single women there. Even those conversations help me understand where people go and what they’re doing.

4. Go to networking or entrepreneurship meetups.

I’ve attended a lot of these over the years, and they’re usually full of people who are either single or connected to someone who is. And even if they’re not single, they can still give you great advice. If you meet an attractive woman, instead of asking her out, ask her for insight: “Hey, I’m Jerry. Nice to meet you. Where do girls like you go? What events do you enjoy?” Even if she has a boyfriend or husband, she’ll often give you the clearest direction you’ve gotten all year.

My goal is to help open your mind. The people you meet in person will give you the most relevant, specific advice for your lifestyle.

5. Join a spiritual or mindfulness community.

In Saint Petersburg, I joined a local spiritual community. At my very first event, I met a woman I really liked, and she liked me too. She shut it down because she wasn’t trying to date, but we spent two hours laughing and talking. That one event reminded me that real-life chemistry still exists. It validated everything I was feeling. Within hours, I met someone compatible, danced with people, made new friends, and even got to share my books. These environments offer so many more opportunities than just dating. And no, it’s not creepy to show up hoping to meet someone. Women are out there hoping someone will pick them up too.

6. Play a sport or join a recreational league.

I play tennis at the tennis club several days a week, and I’ve met attractive women there too. I wrote some funny stories about that in my book Sober Through Separation. There’s also pickleball, beach volleyball, run clubs, softball leagues—you name it. You’re not just meeting people you’d want to date; you’re meeting potential friends, business contacts, and people who will expand your life all while exercising!

When you’re sitting at home swiping, you miss all the real opportunities happening outside. If you work a regular job and don’t have a lot of free time, the benefits of joining activities like this multiply. You get exercise, connection, and a dating environment all at once.

7. Take fitness classes.

I used to go to yoga every day at my yoga studio, but lately I’ve noticed I haven’t been meeting many single women there—which is fine. It’s still a great environment, and the right woman might walk in tomorrow. But it’s also a reminder that variety matters. Yoga, pilates, HIIT classes, Zumba—everything attracts different demographics and different women. Rotating through these classes and venues increases your chances of meeting someone naturally. Just meeting one new person can change your entire life, but that won’t happen if you’re walking into the same studio at the same time every day, surrounded by the same familiar faces. My ex recently told me her reformer Pilates class was full of hot women in their twenties and thirties, so that alone makes it worth trying.

My mind pushes back: “You already have a yoga membership. Why pay $30 for one reformer Pilates class?” But then I remind myself I wasted hundreds of dollars on dating apps. Spending $30 on a new workout, in a new place, with new people—some of whom will be probably be hot and single—is a much better investment. Even if nothing happens, I get a workout, push my comfort zone, and widen the circle of women I meet.

8. Explore Hiking Groups or Nature Meetups

If you’re a nature person, outdoor groups are an amazing way to meet people. By contrast, saying “I like nature” on a dating app is meaningless. Showing up to a group where people ride, hike, kayak, or bike together is how you meet people who actually live that lifestyle.

Florida doesn’t have a lot of hiking, but we have e-bike groups, scooter meetups, and group rides. I have a friend who met several women just by joining the people who cruise around town on bikes. Anything that gets you outdoors and doing something active opens the door to easy conversations and natural connections.

9. Attend Local Gym Events or Wellness Retreats

Gyms, yoga studios, and wellness communities host events all the time—workshops, retreats, themed classes. These events create space for deeper conversations and help you meet people in a more meaningful way.

When I was in college, I went on some retreats like this. I didn’t build lasting connections then, but I now see how powerful these environments can be. When you’re dating, a lot of what you’re craving is validation, and events like this naturally provide it through real conversations and shared experiences.

The first event I went to after moving out of my house during my divorce, I met a mom who was attractive, compatible, and seemed very interested in me. She seemed annoyed I didn’t go home with her. We clicked immediately, but I judged her too quickly. Dating apps make you superficial in person—they train you to hunt for “red flags” instantly—and I felt myself doing that with her. Still, I met her within minutes of walking in and got to know her much more than on her dating profile in just a few minutes. That doesn’t happen when you’re sitting at home swiping.

Sometimes nothing will happen at an event. But the one time something does happen makes the entire effort worth it. This single mom I was talking to also has a profile on Hinge and she spent thousands of dollars on professional photos to show off her best self. By meeting her in person, I was able to cut through all the noise, get her phone number, and have a chance to go home with her without having to do any swiping.

10. Walk A Dog

Dog walking and dog parks are underrated dating environments. I know a dog walker who picks up several dogs from the neighborhood, brings five or six at once to the park, and gets approached constantly. Dog owners ask for his business card, assume he’s running a walking service, or just start talking to him because they’re curious.

I’ve seen plenty of hot women at dog parks—women who are often there alone, walking their dog, standing around with nothing to do except watch their dog sniff grass. That gives you easy openings for one-on-one conversation. Dog people love talking about their dogs, and if your dogs get along, you’ve got the world’s easiest icebreaker.

Even if you don’t have a dog, you can borrow one from a friend or help someone walk theirs. Half the dating profiles out there include dogs anyway; you might as well meet people where they already spend their time. If you do not have a dog park nearby, you can just walk around your neighborhood or choose a neighborhood to walk in where you might find people to date. I’ve met a bunch of people walking my dogs over the years and consistently see attractive women walking their dogs in my neighborhood.

11. Go to Live Music Shows or Open Mic Nights

Live music—especially in small, intimate venues—is a powerful place to meet people. I was talking with a friend recently, and she told me that on a night out with her boyfriend, a very attractive woman showed up to stand in front of them. She felt certain that if her boyfriend hadn’t been dating her, he would have approached that girl. That story reminded me I need to explore live music again myself.

For years, I stopped listening to music at home, and I used to hate live music because all I wanted to hear was electronic music, hip-hop, and rap. I didn’t want to go to a venue and hear anything different from what I already listened to. But now that I no longer play music at home, live music has become the only way I hear it—and I’m finding I enjoy it more. I’ve also noticed that a lot of hot, younger women go to music festivals, concerts, and open mics. One of my friends met her boyfriend at a big music festival. Live music might be one of the most underrated dating environments out there.

12. Visit Museums, Art Galleries, or Poetry Readings

Museums and galleries are another great option. I’ve been wanting to visit a museum downtown, and just recently I talked to a single woman I know who went to an art gallery event. A few weeks ago, I attended a theater performance at an art gallery because I knew the girl starring in it. She was cute but already partnered, and going out for the show got me into a completely new environment.

That’s the real benefit of things like museums and galleries: they get you out of the house and into new places. A lot of us, especially those of us who are sober, worry that life without alcohol will feel dull or repetitive. And for those of you who drink, you’re often craving more excitement and novelty anyway. Doing new things gives you that excitement without the hangover or the shame spiral.

And even if you don’t meet anyone, you win. If I spend an hour at a museum, I’m inspired. If I spend an hour swiping on dating apps, I feel like shit. One enriches you; the other drains you. It’s an obvious choice.

13. Take a Dance Class (Salsa, Swing, Tango, etc.)

Dance classes—especially partner-based ones like salsa, swing, or tango—are some of the most naturally romantic environments in the world. Women tend to show up to these much more than men, which immediately puts the numbers in your favor. And even if you don’t meet anybody, you’ve learned something new, gotten some exercise, and put yourself in a setting where connection is almost guaranteed.

A friend of mine who teaches pole dancing once told me I should take a pole class because they’re nearly all women. She said the classes are full of hot women because hardly any men show up. I haven’t done it yet, but that’s exactly why I’m writing this book—because this is the guidance I need to follow myself. I want this book to be a reminder never to download another fucking dating app again, and instead actually go take the damn pole dancing class or the museum visit I keep thinking about.

14. Attend a Book Club or an Author Talk

Book clubs are often packed with women. My ex attends them regularly, and she said it’s usually all women. Author talks are another great environment, and frankly, I need to be hosting some myself. An author talk would be a perfect way for me to meet women and also share my work. Have I taken my books into the bookstore yet? Not yet. But I will.

It’s funny how the things we resist the most are often the things that end up working for us. When I got sober 11.5 years ago, Alcoholics Anonymous was the very last thing I wanted to try. I thought it was for losers. I went to one meeting nine years earlier just to look like I was doing something after getting in trouble for drinking at work, and afterward I talked shit about AA for years. But I tried every other method to get sober, and nothing worked until I finally tried the thing I swore I’d never do. The “last resort” turned out to be the only thing that worked.

Some of the things in this book that make you think, “That’s the last thing I’d ever try,” might end up being the first thing that actually works.

15. Be a Regular Somewhere (But Choose Wisely)

Being a regular somewhere can be powerful. I’m a regular at yoga studios and the tennis club, and that’s helped me build community. But here’s the catch: being a regular only works if you’re in the right environment. At my yoga studio, I’ve met zero women recently that seem available to date but imagine when I hit that reformer Pilates studio filled with twenty- and thirty-something women, half of whom are likely single? Being a regular there could change my entire life. I could meet my second wife in a place like that without even trying.

You must be selective about where you commit your regular energy. If you go somewhere three or four times and have exciting interactions right away—like when I went to this spiritual community and ended up talking with a compatible woman for two hours and leaving with her number—that’s a sign you’ve found the right environment.

Being a regular doesn’t guarantee instant romance, but it surrounds you with compatible people, friends, community, and momentum. This spiritual community has been full of people I know from yoga and AA. That overlap signals I’m in the right place.

By contrast, at the tennis club, I mostly play with men, and most of the women are either decades older or in relationships. Could I meet someone there? Sure. But the odds are much lower than places where the demographics match what I’m looking for.

16. Start Conversations in Everyday Places

This one can feel challenging at first, but it becomes easier when you make friendliness your automatic setting. What I’ve been doing lately is practicing saying hi, making eye contact, and being friendly with everyone, all day long. That way, when a beautiful woman appears, I treat her exactly the same as I’ve treated the grandmother, the barista, the guy at the deli counter, and the person stocking avocados. It keeps me grounded instead of nervous or intimidated.

Whole Foods is full of attractive women, but I know how discouraging it can feel when everyone seems locked into their own world, staring at their phones, avoiding eye contact. Still, my approach is always the same: I smile, make eye contact when possible, and say hi. I do this everywhere—Whole Foods, the gym, the beach, downtown, wherever I go.

One of my friends—a divorced dad—met his extremely attractive long-term girlfriend at the grocery store. They simply ran into each other, started talking, and now they’re about to get married. This guy spent years wasting time on dating apps with no results. Then one random conversation in the produce aisle changed his whole life.

Being friendly works. If your mind resists this—if you’re thinking, “Fuck that, I’m can’t talk to strangers”—what’s the alternative? Sitting at home swiping on bots? Paying for apps that make you feel invisible? Being friendly to actual humans builds confidence, connection, and social momentum.

And if you say, “But I’m an introvert,” then the question is: do you have a growth mindset? If what you want is a partner you’re proud of—someone compatible, loving, and aligned with your life—are you willing to say hi to a hundred people? A thousand? I will. If one of those interactions leads to the woman I marry, that’s a fair trade.

I’d much rather say hi to a thousand real people than swipe a thousand dead-end profiles. Saying hello opens your life. Swiping shrinks it.

There are books that can help make this easier, and I plan to read some of them myself. But at the core, friendliness makes every place you go more meaningful and more exciting.

17. Attend Dinner Parties or Potlucks

Small gatherings—potlucks, house dinners, sober meetups—are incredible places to meet people or people who know people. In the AA community, these kinds of gatherings happen all the time. When I was married, I skipped most of them, but now I actively look for those invitations. Even if you don’t meet someone directly, you meet people who can connect you to someone else.

I know a very attractive woman who met her partner through exactly this kind of event. Someone invited her to a dinner gathering, she met a guy through mutual friends, and now they’re building a life together. He’s in his forties like me and she is very attractive mid-twenties. I guarantee he does not get that result on a dating app.

When you focus on dating in person, you naturally start asking people how they met their partners. You start noticing the patterns.

—She met her boyfriend at the grocery store.

—He met his girlfriend at a yoga studio.

—She met her husband at a live music show.

—He met his wife at a dinner party.

You begin to realize: you can meet someone literally anywhere.

Dating apps dull that awareness. They give you the constant feeling of rejection after swiping hundreds of profiles, many of which probably aren’t even real. Then when you walk into Whole Foods, you feel like you’ve already been rejected a hundred times before you even say hi to anyone. That destroys your willingness to engage.

But when your real-life interactions are positive—when you’re smiling, being friendly, and getting normal human responses—it becomes much easier to talk to someone new.

A few weeks ago at this spiritual community, I found myself sitting on a bench overlooking the water, talking to a beautiful woman I clicked with instantly. I remember thinking, “This is unbelievable—this happened so fast.” That kind of moment is constantly available in the real world but scarce on dating apps.

18. Ask Friends to Set You Up

This is one of the best strategies—and one of the most underused. When you meet someone through an app, the app doesn’t give a shit about you. It doesn’t care how your date goes. It doesn’t celebrate if you fall in love or get married. In fact, dating apps lose your business when you find someone which is why they have an incentive to keep you wasting time and single. But when you meet someone because a friend introduced you, everyone cares. Everyone gets to be part of the story.

I know a guy who got married after a friend set him up on a blind date. They had a kid and eventually divorced, but the point is: that story existed because someone cared enough to connect them.

I’ve been taking this step myself. I’ve been asking friends to set me up. At the tennis club recently, I found myself describing exactly what I’m looking for: a woman who’s athletic, wants more kids, and lives a sober lifestyle. Being able to say it simply helps other people actually think of someone.

And here’s something important: if you want friends to help set you up, you need to be able to describe what you want in one clean sentence. Not a two-page essay.

“What kind of woman do you want to date?”

If your answer turns into a novel, you’re making it too complicated.

The simplicity matters. For me, it’s:

Athletic — because I want a woman who can play tennis with me, run with me, keep up with my lifestyle, and take care of her body. Athletic doesn’t mean skinny. You can be a bigger woman and still athletic as hell. If you can beat me at tennis or hold a handstand, that’s hot.

Wants kids — I love kids. I have two. I want at least two more. That was one of the reasons my ex encouraged our divorce—she didn’t want more kids, and she knew I did. While lots of women do no want kids today, it only takes me finding one that does.

Sober or sober-friendly — a woman whose lifestyle doesn’t revolve around alcohol, drugs, marijuana, medication, or plant medicine. A woman who can face day to day life sober and who is healthy.

On dating apps, women who want kids get swarmed by men who want kids, and it often turns into shallow selection based on income or job titles. As an author, I probably get screened out immediately. “How much money does this guy make writing books in 2025?” That’s the sort of thing that stops connection before it starts.

But when a friend sets you up, they’re thinking:

“Who do I know that would genuinely click with you?”

That is infinitely more powerful than swiping.

If you can tell your friends something as simple as, “I’m looking for a woman who’s athletic, lives a sober lifestyle, and wants kids,” then you’ve just given them a clear, workable blueprint. She doesn’t have to be completely sober, but she should live a sober-friendly lifestyle and take care of herself physically. That’s it — athletic, sober lifestyle, wants kids. When you simplify it down to just those things, people can remember it. They can look for it. They can recognize it instantly in someone they meet.

Now my friends know: if they come across an athletic single woman who’s sober-leaning and wants kids, I’m exactly the guy to introduce her to. Even my ex said she’d be happy to set me up if she met someone who fit that description — which tells you how clean and simple that criteria is. If you want help getting that clear about what you actually want — in dating or anything else — you can set up a call with me and ask me on a live call.

19. Join Interest-Based Clubs

Anything from chess to sailing to improv to photography. This is something I haven’t done yet (if you do not count going to Alcoholics Anonymous most days), but I definitely plan to. The beautiful part is that you don’t have to commit to showing up every week. Trying something one time might be all it takes. One class, one meetup, one event — the magic can happen anywhere.

I’ve been looking on Meetup for board-game groups because I love board games. Board-game nights will be mostly dudes, but depending on the club or hobby, you might walk into a room with nine women and be the only guy there. Imagine being in a space filled with women who are single, bored, and hoping someone interesting walks in — and that someone happens to be you.

Women struggle to meet people too. A club where they go for fun, consistency, or connection can become an unbelievable opportunity if you show up with the right energy. Platforms like Meetup and Eventbrite are loaded with these interest-based gatherings. You just have to be willing to try something new which can be irrationally diffuclt.

20. Travel Solo or Take Group Trips

Travel creates opportunities that don’t exist in your everyday environment. One of my friends was recording a book at my place recently, and she told me how she and a girlfriend went on a trip. They met two guys at dinner, ended up going into the woods afterward, and hooked up with them. Sometimes the shift in environment is all it takes.

You don’t even need to go far. I live in Saint Pete — sometimes just driving to Tampa changes the whole vibe. My ex suggested I go back to Busch Gardens. She liked in my old Match profile that I said I loved going to theme parks because it showed I liked having fun. When we first started dating, we went to Busch Gardens, SeaWorld, Adventure Island, Aquatica, Disney, Downtown Disney — all the parks. We went out all the time.

She told me last night, “Why don’t you go to Busch Gardens again? You could ride roller coasters during the day. You don’t have a job you have to be at. You’re just staring at books. Go live a little.”

She’s right. I used to go to theme parks alone in grad school. I remember being in line for a roller coaster and meeting a beautiful girl who talked with me the entire time — but of course, I already had a hot girlfriend then. Same thing at a water park: a gorgeous girl gave me this huge smile and I felt amazing. And again — I already had a the same hot girlfriend.

You might think going to a water park alone is lame. But single girls go to water parks with their friends. They run around in bathing suits, they’re in great moods, and they’re often open to talking. Meanwhile, women in relationships typically stop doing that stuff. So traveling solo, taking group trips, going to theme parks — these are things I’m going to do more of, because they worked incredibly well when I was younger and single. I just forgot.

21. Go to Singles Events or Speed Dating Events

In the last week, I went to three speed dating events. Across all three, there was only one truly hot girl. One event was at a bar, which already felt off because I’m sober. The hot girl was pounding a glass of tequila like water. She seemed turned off by my age, and I was turned off by her drinking. She left the second the event ended. Everyone else commented on her “bitch vibes,” but honestly, she was probably just frustrated like the rest of us and more honest in showing that.

Still, the speed-dating events were valuable. Most of the women weren’t attractive, but talking to single women in quick rounds was incredible practice. The only phone number I got at all was from a guy running his own speed-dating event and inviting me to it — but hey, it was still a networking win.

I’ve heard plenty of stories of people who met great partners at speed-dating events. It only takes one connection to change everything. I’m open to going again — but I won’t be going to bar-based ones anymore. They don’t match my lifestyle.

A friend even suggested I go to bars to meet women, but if I want a woman with a sober lifestyle, she’s less likely to be at a bar. Not impossible — but not statistically smart. Going to places that match your lifestyle and values is always the better play.

22. Join Co-Living or Co-Working Spaces

Co-living and co-working spaces are one of the most underrated ways to meet new people. Ten minutes from where I live, there’s a co-working space for about a hundred bucks a month. My ex suggested it last night after I deleted the dating apps and was spiraling. She said, “Why don’t you go work on your books somewhere around other humans?” And honestly, it made perfect sense. I already have around twenty books written. Imagine me walking into a café or a co-working space, claiming a table, stacking twenty physical books I wrote right in front of me, and working on my laptop. If you’ve ever read books about peacocking, that’s premium peacocking. Picture a girl who loves reading, walking by and seeing an author with a literal pile of his own books. There’s a good chance she’d stop and say, “Did you write all those?”

Co-working spaces naturally attract single people, remote workers, entrepreneurs, creatives, and the kind of people who know other single people. Even if you don’t meet someone directly, you might meet someone who knows exactly the person you’re trying to find. Co-living can go even further — living with compatible roommates, or roommates who have friends, or a community that naturally pulls in single people. It’s something I’m considering too, because when you think about it, the dating apps make you believe there’s no other way, and yet here are dozens of alternatives. This one alone could change everything.

23. Attend Workshops on Communication or Relationships

Workshop environments are filled with people working on themselves, which often includes people who are single. Not everyone will be, but the percentage is higher than average because those who are committed to growth are often between relationships, recently out of one, or preparing themselves for something healthier. Workshops centered on communication, relationships, masculine/feminine dynamics, boundaries, or personal development can be perfect for meeting people who want emotional intelligence — something dating apps make impossible to screen for.

I’ve met plenty of single girls in various personal-growth environments, including AA. And what’s funny is that I didn’t even think to attend workshops specifically geared toward topics like communication or relationships until ChatGPT suggested it to me. Once I read the idea, it made so much sense I couldn’t believe I hadn’t tried it already. I’ve been to spiritual workshops before, and I’ve talked to plenty of single women who go to them regularly. This is a whole category of opportunity I’ve barely tapped into.

24. Offer or Attend Community Listening Circles or Support Groups

Support groups attract people who are open, vulnerable, reflective, and often single. People in relationships tend to lean on their partner for emotional support and are less likely to attend groups unless they’re in crisis. But people who are single — especially those healing, growing, or looking for community — show up to groups like Alcoholics Anonymous, Al-Anon, Adult Children of Alcoholics, and even the edgier ones like Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous or other intimacy-focused recovery circles.

I’ve met a ton of single women at AA meetings. Some of them show up with a very clear intention of meeting someone. I know a girl who came to AA, met a guy immediately, ended up marrying him, and now they have a kid. He still goes to meetings. She doesn’t, but he says she’s still sober, which is great.

And then there are the sex-related support groups. I know a guy who went to them and said there were women so starved for connection that he felt like if he even brushed their hand, they’d want to leave with him on the spot. Groups like this attract people who are struggling — yes — but also people who are incredibly open and hungry for connection.

I’ve been going to AA for years, but now I’m planning to branch out. These groups require consistency and authenticity. You don’t walk in and immediately try to pick someone up. But they create the kind of vulnerable, revealing conversations that make it easy to tell who’s single, who’s emotionally available, and who’s actually doing the work. For example, there’s a hot girl in the AA meeting I started recently. She sounded single, and on any other day I would’ve talked to her, but I’d spent the whole day swiping fucking dating apps and felt too defeated to try. Next time I see her, I’ll talk to her — not with some heavy agenda, but to see if we connect. Surrounding yourself with people doing the work is half the battle, and if you want help with that, you can book a one-on-one call with me and we'll talk it through together.

25. Put Yourself Out There Visibly (T-Shirts, Signs, Buttons)

Sometimes the best way to meet someone is to be unapologetically obvious. Wear a shirt, a sign, a button — anything that makes your intentions clear. I’m testing this myself. I just bought four shirts for $70 total on Etsy that are black or blue with gold glitter that literally says:

Single Dad Sober Author

That’s peacocking in the purest form. It makes it incredibly easy for someone to approach me. A woman reading that shirt might think, I’m single, I want kids, I’m athletic too, and step right into a conversation. She might even say something bold like, “Let’s go make those babies.”

I wish people would wear shirts announcing what they actually need help with. “I’m broke and living with my parents, looking for a stable guy.” Or “I want kids but I hate dating apps.” Just raw honesty. Instead, most people walk around pretending everything is fine while secretly hurting, drinking, or numbing themselves.

A shirt is efficient. It polarizes quickly. It filters out people who aren’t interested. Rejection becomes a time saver instead of a personal wound. That’s why visible self-advertising is powerful — it saves you from wasting years of time, money, and emotional energy on dating apps. Everything else on this list enriches your life. Asking friends to set you up gives them a chance to help you. Joining co-working spaces, going to support groups, attending workshops, dancing, museums, dog parks, music shows, nature groups, fitness studios, networking meetups — none of this is a waste of time. It all builds real life.

Dating apps are the opposite. They drain you. They flatten you. They isolate you. They lie to you about your options. This entire book is one big reminder to myself that there are dozens of better alternatives, and I hope these twenty-five ideas cracked something open for you too.

If you want more, I’m Jerry Banfield. My website is JerryBanfield.com. I’m an author, speaker, and a coach based in St. Petersburg, Florida. You can text me with questions or comments about this book, ideas for future books, or if you want to talk. And if this book helped you, the most helpful thing you can do is leave a review so other people can find it.

Thank you for reading and I’ll hope to see you in another one of my books soon!

Sincerely,

Jerry Banfield

Dating Apps Are a Bad Deal for High-Value Men

From my video published June 15, 2026.

Why I'm Telling High-Value Men to Quit the Apps

I think high value men should generally stay off dating apps, not because the dating apps don't work and not because I'm judging men who use them, but because if you really value your time, if you do well with women in person, if you already have a real life that's worth living and a lot of things to do, dating apps are an inefficient game that puts you in heavy competition for a small pool of women, especially compared with real life. Life, this is my experience after using dating apps and I'm saying this even though I met my first wife on match com, that was 15 years ago and things weren't nearly as skewed as then.

So I'm gonna go through and explain this because so many of us guys use dating apps because it feels like it's so easy. But the key thing that bothers me is the inefficient use of time and I always say this, already do well with women in real life. So if you're a high value man, a 3 man, a man that thinks his life is something he's proud of, that makes clear conscious choices with where you put your energy, who has things like me with YouTube, my kids, my health, my community in St. Pete that I'm very passionate about, the main problem is the efficiency problem.

If I'm gonna spend a bunch of time on a screen, does it make sense for me to be like, taking girls' profiles and then trying to convert these messages to dates? Does it make sense for me to put all this time and money into optimizing my profile and getting pictures? But here's another thing. If you love your fellow men out of brotherly love, I look at it that I can out compete a lot of men on a dating app. But is that a game that's worth playing for me? There's often two or three times as many men on dating apps today compared to women and there's generally a lot of men on dating apps that don't use dating apps for a very long time.

And if women use dating apps, they tend to not use them for very long and delete them quickly because dating apps just don't feel good for most women. And women are about like, feeling good and being out socially in person. Whereas a lot of guys, we're happy to just sit at home, play video games and swipe on apps. So for me, if you value your time and to me being a high value man is about, I value my time. And it just bothers me then to be swiping on dating apps because that's evidence I don't value my time. My website says that I do value my time, but if I'm on a dating app, that says I don't value my time. If you'd rather pour that time into real life and building something worth living for, you can schedule a private one-on-one call with me and we'll map out a life you don't need to escape from.

Avoid the Competitive Environment

I also think generally in life, you want to avoid a competitive environment. The environment itself is set up right now in dating apps where men are in a position of, we, we're just putting out all this work and we're lucky to even get back a few likes. Now there are a small subset of men that just get a ton of matches and a ton of likes. And if you can do that on a dating app, in most cases, you will do better in person. If you'd actually go out and do a yoga class or an aesthetic dance or be out meeting women, often in, I've found like I went to these aesthetic dance and kirtan events, they were the opposite of a dating app.

I counted at this one aesthetic dance, there were two or three women for every man there. And many of the men there already were dating girls that were there. There were probably four or five single women at this aesthetic dance for every one single man there. And sure enough, I got a very attractive girl who is very interested in me, who is making eye contact, who is trying to get me to notice her. And then I talked to her and killed the attraction. And I talked about that in my last video saying how being a YouTuber is ruining my dating life. So you, if you've had a struggle with things like that in person as a guy, often you'll think, well, I should just hop on dating apps so I'll have more choices.

But here's what I've noticed.

My Best Traits Don't Translate to a Profile

My best traits as a man that I label as high value, I don't have my best traits show up successfully on an app. And yes, you can communicate these things but you can't communicate these things with having your photos and just the right backgrounds and like confidence and presence. But still, what I notice is that on a dating app, I am not like a man that actually gets the very most attractive women on dating apps. But in person, I can get about the most attractive woman in a room in person. And I'm confident to walk up and talk to the most attractive woman in a room or at a grocery store or wherever.

But on a dating app, there's so many guys out there who are like, and there's guys that have professional pictures and have bigger muscles and are taller and don't have kids or whatever women are filtering on that are younger. And I'm not getting a chance to talk to the same girls on dating apps that if they saw me in person, they not only would talk to me, but in my experience with like the ecstatic dances, they would talk to me for hours. They would give me their phone number. And if I didn't tell them I was a YouTuber, they would be very excited. They would be very excited to go out with me.

I've had girls in person tell me that you just have this kind, calm, mature energy, but you can't communicate stuff like that on a dating app. You can't communicate, your presence. Like to me, I stand out in person, but on a dating app, I don't stand out because the qualities I have that women tend to find very attractive in person do not translate well to a dating app. And for me, me putting myself on a dating app is intense. I'm intentionally putting myself in an environment where I'm not in a position to emphasize my best qualities. The things that women are often very attracted to in real life barely matter or are difficult to communicate on a profile.

If you do better with women in person, then it's ideal to not put any time and energy into dating apps because dating apps also take the edge off of going to do stuff in person. For example, there was an ecstatic dance that I could go to, a sober event that I've said that, often has two or three times as many women and four or five times as many single women compared to single men. But I didn't go to that on Saturday because I was on dating apps and I actually did get a date with a girl on a dating app that was actually attractive in person.

And I told her I was a YouTuber. But just even there, like a girl, I could have easily met probably three or four girls like her by going to the ecstatic dance. And I probably could have got a girl that was, even more into me than this girl was. And I wouldn't have, if I told her I was a YouTuber, she'd have had no way to look me up in person because she wouldn't have had my last name or my photo. If you are any kind of public figure or somebody that can be searched online, as a man, you don't want to ruin the mystery with a woman unless like you've got an Instagram profile that's carefully curated and is going to make a woman actually more attractive.

But if you have any kind of stuff that's like out there for the boys, that just is there to make your guy friends laugh or something, you're often going to turn women off when they find that stuff, at least if you're like me. And therefore, you don't have to, in person, you can give a woman a chance to really get to know you first without being able, do you realize that these women can just take a picture of your dating profile, like screenshot it, and then they can put you in Google Images, search, and they can find anything else you have online easily from there.

Thus, for me, that's not a good environment for me to be in when girls can find my dating videos, my crypto videos, and spend hours and hours ruining the mystery of who I am.

Real Life Is the Opposite of a Dating App

Real life, too, tends to be the opposite of dating apps. I was using a dating app the other night, even though I know I'm better off not doing it. And the only reason I'm glad I did go back to dating apps again and now I deleted Hinge this morning and I'm done with dating apps for good, is I'm glad I've had a chance to now teach this information on YouTube because a lot of the guys that are talking to men and talking about masculinity are still encouraging guys to get on dating apps, and they're encouraging guys to go dominate other men on dating apps, to make a better profile, get professional pictures, use AI to edit the filters, think about everything in your background, go to the gym, work out, get bigger muscles so you can attract them.

And to me, the thing to do is to be present in real life. Now, again, these guys do often say that you should be out, you should be social, but they also encourage using dating apps simultaneously, and I disagree because if I'm on dating apps, I'm less likely to get out in real life. It's just pure laziness. Like, okay, if I sit at home and film videos and play video games, I'm not going to go out and meet anybody. But if I use dating apps, I can sit at home and play video games, then just take some time on a dating app and I might meet someone.

Removing that possibility means that I'm motivated to go out and meet people. And just a couple nights ago, I was talking to ChatGPT, and I said, dating apps suck. There's so many men on them compared to women. What's the opposite of a dating app? And ChatGPT's like, going out in person is the opposite of a dating app. I was at this yoga class the other day. There were 20 or 30 women there, most of them more attractive than would ever talk to me on a dating app. And most of them, easily women I could talk to and potentially, have a connection with in person. There was not one other guy in this class.

If you want more of my thinking on meeting women without the apps, I keep all of it together in my my Dating playlist.

I was literally in a class of almost all beautiful women, not one guy there. There's probably in there five or 10 single attractive women and just me. That's the environment that to me, a high value man would be in those environments where high value women would be. And then I could run into them naturally. Now it is, so the thing with real life though, and why guys tend to slide back to dating apps is because real life often is much less certain and doesn't look like anything's happening lots of times.

Why Real Life Takes More Patience

Real life often takes more patience and can be much more annoying than the certainty you're getting on dating apps. Because when you're on a dating app, hitting like or swiping, you feel like you're doing something. And going to a yoga class where nobody talks to me and I don't see anybody that even is like looking friendly, it can look like nothing's happening. But this is what's tricky is lots of times in real life, things are happening, you just can't see it. For example, when I was married, there was this gorgeous girl at the yoga studio and I saw her there for months and there was so much emotional tension between the two of us.

It was crazy. And one day I put my mat down next to her and she started talking to me first. And she was very interested. And she was very interested in me. I'd built a huge level of attraction and emotional tension with her. And of course I did when I'm married. And then this girl is getting attracted to me. She also had a girlfriend herself. But this is a perfect example of like, I never, well, 15 years ago, my wife, I did get her on a dating app and her and this girl were just as hot. But this girl is 29 years old, absolutely drop dead gorgeous.

Like everything I love about, about a woman and how a woman could be beautiful. There's no way on a dating app I'm able to get a woman like that because she has way too many options and I don't stand out that much. But when I'm at the yoga studio and she's seen me there 10 times and we've had our mats next to each other two, three, four times and I've never said anything to her any of those times. She's taken an interest in me. She's wondering who I am. She started fantasizing about me. She breaks the ice and starts talking with me first. And this happens.

This happens at yoga, dance community events where you're in the environment where women are competing with each other. Women are in these environments. Multiple women are often picking out one man and trying to compete for him. I have a friend, she met a very attractive guy and this guy had women circling all over him. He was dating one. He had another woman that had fell in love with him. And then my friend, she decides that she's gonna push all these other women. And that this is gonna be her man. She started talking to him first. He wasn't even interested. She persisted. She made sure he noticed her.

And now that's her boyfriend. That's the kind of environment you get in when you're in like community events, yoga, dance, social spaces. Now, sure, not everywhere you go. Some, if you go to an AA meeting, that's gonna be mostly guys. And if you go to a pickleball, that's usually gonna be mostly guys. Tennis, mostly guys. I'm not saying everywhere you go, but if you go to a gym, but there's a lot of communities where it'll feel like you're the hot girl on a dating app. And that's such a great feeling. Like these ecstatic dances. And I talked myself out of going to an ecstatic dance because I got a date with a girl on a dating app.

But then that didn't go well. And I'm really grateful it didn't because if I didn't want to go to that ecstatic dance, I might get two or three dates out of one ecstatic dance instead of spending hours swiping and getting one date with one girl who's not interested in me because she found me. I found out too much because I'm online.

The Women You Meet in Person Are Different

Then when you meet women on these dating apps too, women on dating apps versus women in person, to me, the women you're meeting in person are generally gonna have stronger social circles, be more engaged in life, and be easier to connect with naturally. Whereas the women you're meeting on the dating apps, to me, are not generally going to be as high quality as the woman you're, the woman you're meeting on the dating apps. So I'm not gonna be able to meet in person that have friends and are out with their girlfriends. Like I just went out with this girl. And she said she doesn't have much of an active social life or community or circle.

She mostly works and hangs out with her family. Whereas I do have a very active social circle and community. And to me, for me to be on dating apps is signaling that I don't. Because if I'm the kind of man who can be out at an ecstatic dance, and have girls coming on to me there, if I'm the kind of guy that can go to a speed dating event in person and have most of the girls, put a little bead in my pouch and express interest in me, if I'm the kind of guy that can afford a high, price matchmaking service, and the girls there tend to be very attracted and happy to meet me, if I've got all that going for me, being on a dating app is a signal in the opposite direction that, well, either I have this like sickness that nothing's ever enough for me, or that I don't trust all the other stuff I'm doing, or that I'm getting lazy and not doing that other stuff, or that I'm willing to put myself in a position where there's heavy competition for no reason. If you're weighing whether the apps or real life make more sense for your own situation, you can book a one-on-one call with me and we'll talk it through together.

So I'm not saying no man should use a dating app, but these days, way too many men are on dating apps. Either we need to get more women using dating apps, or we need to get more guys off of dating apps. Because dating apps would be a lot better if there were the same number of men and women, the same kinds of men and women on the dating apps. And I have a lot of experience with dating apps, and I understand lots of men meet their wife on dating apps, just like I did. But these days, it seems men especially, we are wasting our time and energy on dating apps, and women really want us to be out doing stuff in person.

And dating apps, you gotta have an angle on a dating app also. My only angle I can even think to work on a dating app is being a YouTuber, but, and that's why I deleted my Hinge profile, my second Hinge profile this morning, is because being a YouTuber on a dating app means I'm guaranteed to remove the mystery for a woman, which means I'm not going to have any luck on a dating app. Even if I can get a girl to go out with me once, soon as she searches me using my picture from a dating app, it's gonna be over, just like this morning.

Thus, for a lot of guys, if you don't have a specific angle as to why you're different from the men, whether that's, you can post these lifestyle photos that other guys can't, or you're a doctor, or something, like, if you don't have something that really sets you apart from the masses of other men, there's absolutely no point in using a dating app. And the attraction also, you don't want to just immediately jump into a situation, ship off a dating app either. Women in real life often will tend to move a bit slower, and will feel a bit safer, and sometimes, especially from the guys I'm talking to, and my previous experiences online dating, having a woman come over and immediately go out, going all the way with her, is not a good way to usually establish a long term relationship.

The women on dating apps often, like the one I went out with, like, she was ready, like, she looked like she was ready, like, make out with me right at the end of the date, and it's like, we just met. Like, I shouldn't be jumping into something physically that quick. And that's why being with people in person first in a community environment is a lot more natural, and helps you take things a bit slower, and puts things in perspective. Like, hey, I just met you, off of website, like, we shouldn't be jumping into anything, we don't even know each other.

Let the Other Guys Have the Apps

So my thought is, if you're truly a high value man that can win on dating apps, you probably are much better off winning in real life instead, and letting the other guys use the dating apps out of brotherly love, and saying, hey, my brothers, y 'all wanna use these dating apps? I'm gonna go win in real life, y 'all can have the women on the dating apps. And like, if you can hold conversations, and get dates, and all that stuff, then you can do that in person as well. Thus, I, and the women would really like you to be doing that in person, because women are often very social, they want to go out, they want to meet guys when they go out.

And I've heard women complaining that they go out, and they struggle to meet guys, and they have to settle for guys, because they don't wanna use dating apps, and they have a hard time meeting high quality men when they're out, because a lot of men are just not out, they're on dating apps. So what I'm doing instead, is I'm meeting women organically, and I'm using, I'm using a matchmaking service, I'm being social and present. And if I'm going to be at home on a screen, I'm gonna be working, or I'm gonna be playing video games. I'm not gonna be, like I missed hours of playing video games that I've wanted to play, because I was on a dating app.

And I missed time doing YouTube videos, because I was on dating apps. And I'm looking in the mirror like, bro, you're not a high value man behaving like that. Warm introductions are also really nice. Like one of my friends introduced me to this girl, and she was so warm. Meeting me for the first time, because her friend had already said all these nice things. But letting things develop naturally is often difficult for men, because dating apps are so concrete, you can see it's immediate. But letting things develop naturally is usually where you get women that are much more attracted to you. I've, meeting women out in person, it feels so validating when I have a woman that's clearly attracted and interested in me.

That's worth a lot of matches and likes on a dating profile, and then things tend to develop much better from there, as long as you don't kill it by giving them your book or sending them to your YouTube channel. So I'd really like to hear your experience. And yes, I realize that dating apps are useless. I know that they can work. I know they've worked for me in the past. But these days, the returns are diminishing for most men. Most men would be better off not using dating apps. Especially men who value their time, have real lives, and do well in person, they're a bad deal.

I went back and forth on this question myself, and I worked through it out loud in Should I Go Back on Dating Apps?

I Want a Better Story Than 'We Met Online'

So if you have options in real life like I do, I'd rather meet women in real life and surrender this idea that I'm going to find this perfect girl on a dating app because that seems to be a mirage. And I'd like a different story. I already met an amazing first wife, a beautiful woman. We got wonderful kids. I've already done that. And I want my second wife to be someone I met in a different way. I don't want my story and most women don't want their story either to be, well, how'd you meet your husband? Well, we met online. Most women want a more engaging, interesting story.

Like we ran into each other at the grocery store. We were at an ecstatic dance together. Like women want a better story than being like, well, I was online. And women often really judge each other these days being like, oh, you're just on dating apps to hook up with guys. Like that's, I've talked to several girls and they're like, yeah, my girlfriends just use dating apps when they want to hook up with guys. But if they want real relationships, like they stop, they stop using dating apps and look for men in person. And if this has been helpful for you, I would love to hear your feedback on the video.

If you do decide to keep using the apps, I also shared a leaner approach in Less Matches Is More: A Better Way to Use Dating Apps.

Should I Go Back on Dating Apps?

From my video published June 15, 2026.

The main thing on my mind today: should I get back on dating apps? I met my first wife on Match in 2011, and after my divorce I tried the apps again for a while — but I felt rejected, addicted, and spent hundreds on premium subscriptions for two matches I wasn't attracted to, plus some toxic interactions. So I deleted them all. Here's me thinking it through out loud.

Apps vs a matchmaker

I then paid $7,500 for Tawkify, a matchmaking service, and I'm three of twelve matches in — so part of me thinks I should finish those before going back to apps. But what I want is very specific: a woman who's attractive, doesn't drink or do drugs, and wants kids. Apps like Hinge can filter exactly those criteria, which a matchmaker can't do as precisely. That pulls me back toward the apps despite how burned out they made me.

Honest feedback from my ex-wife

I asked people for advice all day, including my ex-wife, who's wonderfully supportive. I told her I think I shouldn't move too fast physically on a first date — I've gone too far too fast before. Her insight: while I take it slow physically, I dive way too deep in conversation, doing "the equivalent of sex on the first date" by immediately sharing things like deleting all my YouTube channels (which signals instability), remembering before I was born, and my sobriety. The upside is nobody wastes my time — I lay out exactly what I offer, so things can proceed fast or end fast.

You have to go for what you want

People keep telling me the right person shows up when you stop looking. I don't believe it. Yes, it happens for some, but I've watched people stay single 10 or 20 years waiting. I want an awesome relationship like the one I had — not to get so desperate I settle for someone who isn't healthy, doesn't want kids, or that I'm not attracted to. Almost everything good in my life came because I went and got it: I found a partner I was genuinely happy with by going through the numbers and saying no to plenty along the way. The same way I won't just film a couple of videos and expect $10,000 a month, I don't think I'll just bump into the right woman at the grocery store. So I'm leaning toward the apps, because being specific is exactly what they let me do. If you want raw feedback on your own life, you can find me on my dating playlist here.

Addicted to Dating Apps in 24 Hours

Originally published October 9, 2025.

This is my journal entry from October 9, 2025, part of my daily autobiography Sober Through Separation — my real, unedited days, published in order.

I woke up in my new house for the first time today, jarred out of sleep by my alarm at 7:00 a.m., right in the middle of a dream. I grabbed a couple of Lara bars for breakfast and walked down the street to my ex-wife and the kids’ house. Everyone seemed well-rested and in good spirits, getting ready for school. It felt strange to be there helping them prepare for the day but not actually taking them to school—and even stranger not having slept there. Still, I reminded myself this is part of the transition. It’s new, and that’s okay.

When my ex-wife left to take them to school, I walked back to my place to wait for the Frontier technician to arrive and get the internet set up. Before that, though, I fell into the black hole of online dating again. I decided to give Hinge another try. I spent about three hours before the Frontier guy came over optimizing my profile—after roughly half an hour of organizing around the house. I carefully chose six photos that I thought represented me well and ended up paying $55 for a month of Hinge Premium. I swiped on what felt like hundreds of profiles, got one like on Bumble, but decided I wasn’t going to spend another $70 there too. Hinge seemed to have a larger dating pool anyway.

By the time I finished, I felt sad and disappointed with myself. I had wasted the whole morning on an app instead of doing something that actually mattered to me. There’s so much I want to accomplish, and yet I’d spent my morning chasing digital validation.

The Frontier technician arrived, upbeat and friendly. He told me he was from Cuba and had immigrated here in 2013. I asked him what was different between Cuba and the U.S., and he said, simply, “Everything.” He told me this is the best country in the world. I couldn’t help but think how refreshing it would be if some of the people here who constantly complain about the U.S. could hear that perspective. It’s remarkable how two people can live in the same country and have such opposing experiences of it. Perspective really does shape everything.

He mentioned that he has a girlfriend and two ex-wives, with a child from each. Somehow, the conversation even drifted to online dating, which I laughed about because I was already hooked again myself. When he finished the installation, I was excited to finally use my new internet on my computer—something I couldn’t do on my phone because my cheap data plan doesn’t support a hotspot.

The day felt like a mix of progress and stagnation—new beginnings layered with old habits I still haven’t shaken. But at least the internet was working, and that made my new house feel a little more like home.

I’m thrilled to see that I Was Famous on the Internet has officially been approved by Amazon. I go straight to Amazon.com, search the title, and order a copy for $13, with delivery expected within 48 hours. I can hardly wait to hold it in my hands. Still, a little nervousness lingers—what if I messed up the cover? I realize that fixing it would require creating a new edition, which would be a hassle. Going forward, I know the cover needs to be one of the strongest elements of the design, or at least I should start ordering proofs before hitting “publish.” Another lesson learned in this ever-evolving self-publishing process.

I text my ex-wife to let her know what’s happening, and she replies that she’s ready for me to come pick up more of my things from the house. When I arrive, I tell her about my new dating profile, and she looks it over. After reviewing it, she says it represents me well and looks good. I find it amusing—fourteen years ago, we met on Match.com, when I had what most people would call a much worse profile. Life has a strange sense of humor.

Later, I pick the kids up from school. My daughter’s going home with a friend, so it’s just my son and me. I notice something’s off with my car’s air conditioning. Earlier this year, I spent a couple thousand dollars at the Toyota dealership for a new compressor, and it worked beautifully for a while. Now, though, the something is acting up again. When the car’s stopped, it barely cools at all, but once I’m driving, especially around 70 mph on the interstate, the air turns icy cold. I experiment by revving the engine to see if the RPMs affect it, like before, but the temperature doesn’t change. It’s probably not the compressor this time—hopefully something simpler. After spending close to $10,000 at the Toyota dealership this year between my ex-wife’s car and mine, I’m determined to try an independent mechanic next time. We could have practically bought a new car by now.

My son and I stop by my new house on the way home to have a chocolate bar. He seems impressed with the place, which makes me happy. After that, I drop him off at my ex-wife’s and head to my AA meeting. When I get to my meeting, I can’t stop checking Hinge, frustrated that after hours of work and hundreds of swipes, I still don’t have a single like or match. The obsession has its grip on me already.

At the meeting, I’m a little distracted but still engaged. There are five of us tonight—three of us long-term sober members sharing deeply, while the two newcomers mostly listen. One of the women there catches my attention. She’s definitely attractive, and from what I can tell, she’s single. When the meeting ends and she starts to leave, I want to talk to her, maybe walk out together, but I hold back. All the time I’ve spent chasing digital connections has dulled my motivation to make a real one right in front of me. As she walks out, I feel a pang of regret.

Next time I see her, I’m going to ask if she’s single and see if she’d like to get together—maybe for tea or a walk on the beach. After all, what’s the point of swiping through hundreds of strangers if I can’t even start a simple, honest conversation with someone real?

Right after the AA meeting, I headed straight to the kids’ school for their Trunk or Treat Halloween event. My ex-wife was already there, having decorated the back of her RAV4 in a full Harry Potter theme. My role was to supply the soundtrack—she’d asked me to bring the music—so I played it from YouTube Music on my phone. Even though I deleted all my channels, my old premium subscription is still active, which means no ads, thankfully. I promised myself I’d delete the app again once this was over.

The event was lively, with kids in costumes running between cars and parents chatting in small clusters. I ended up talking with a dad I’ve known for years, and we spent over thirty minutes discussing divorce. It turned out to be the best part of the evening. I’d judged him in the past—both for his own divorce and for dating another divorced parent—but now that I’m in a similar place, I feel more connected to him, like we’re on the same team. He told me how he dated online for years, met several odd or incompatible people, and eventually gave up on apps altogether. That’s when he met the woman who would become his future second wife. His story left me questioning whether I should even bother with these dating apps at all. If you’re done with the apps too and want real people to build a life around, I’d love for you to book a private call with me and figure out what building that life actually looks like for you.

Afterward, I took my son to the library. He wanted a rock-smashing kit, while I was hoping to find a book he might actually enjoy reading. I found a brand-new space encyclopedia—over a hundred pages, filled with beautiful photos—and told him I thought he’d love it since he’d checked out three space books in a row recently. But he insisted on wanting the rock breaking kit. I felt a flicker of irritation and disappointment, so I wandered off to browse something for myself.

I ended up flipping through a football book, which was strange considering I haven’t followed football seriously in about a decade. I only learned last week that the Eagles won the Super Bowl—seven months ago. As I turned the pages, nostalgia hit me seeing players like Deion Sanders, Champ Bailey, Jerry Rice, Emmitt Smith, Aaron Rodgers, Randy Moss, and Terrell Owens. Those were the legends of my childhood. Growing up in Texas, I rooted for both the Cowboys and the Oilers, and these names brought all that back. It amazed me how strong those feelings still were for people I’d never met and hadn’t even watched on TV in years. It reminded me exactly of what I wrote about in I Was Famous on the Internet—how deeply attached we become to distant figures on screens that once filled our lives.

Eventually, my son came over and said he’d take the space book if I paid half, which came to $9. I agreed, bought it for him, and he ran off to play with his friends, completely satisfied. My ex-wife and I chatted for a while after that. She was happy I came, and the whole evening felt lighter than it would have when we were still married. Back then, there was always tension hanging over us—resentments, unspoken issues, the pressure of knowing we’d probably have to face our strained sex life later that night. It made events like this uncomfortable, so one of us often avoided going altogether. Now, everything feels more peaceful, easier.

I took the kids home afterward since my ex-wife thought she might be leaving later, but she ended up getting home first. I tucked both kids into bed and snuggled with them for a while. My son kept trying to grab at my nipples—his new running joke—and after the fiftieth attempt, I finally told him I’d had enough for one day. We laughed, and I went to the kitchen to have some hummus from my ex-wife’s fridge before saying goodnight to both kids and heading home.

When I leave my ex-wife’s place tonight, I feel a growing sense of comfort about returning to my own home—a place that’s finally mine. My ex-wife’s house still feels familiar, still a place I’m welcome, but I’m beginning to appreciate the difference. My home is not her home anymore, and that separation feels right.

I try calling my mom, but she doesn’t answer, so I text her instead. She replies, saying I can come over around 9:15 p.m. I’m oddly excited to have some uninterrupted time to scroll through dating apps before then. I end up swiping and reading profiles nonstop until 9:20. When I finally drag myself up to go, I already know I’ve pushed it too far. I get to my mom’s around 9:25 and feel guilty for being late. I knew exactly what time it was, but I couldn’t stop.

She starts talking, but my mind feels hijacked. I can barely listen. After about ten minutes, I admit that I can’t really hear what she’s saying. My attention, my energy, even my sense of presence—all of it has been consumed by these apps. I tell her I feel completely off-balance, like my body and mind have been scrambled. Maybe other people can use dating apps casually, but I can’t. I can tell when my thinking is distorted, and tonight it’s unmistakable.

I tell her that within twenty-four hours of downloading them, I’m already addicted. The only solution, I say, is to delete them completely. She suggests maybe I just take a break, but I shake my head. Taking a break would only make me obsess more—thinking about what I’m missing, building up emotional pressure until I cave. I tell her I’ve learned that the first sign you’re out of control is the impulse to control. When you’re living joyfully and naturally, you don’t need to manage yourself so tightly.

So, I delete Hinge, even though I just paid $55 for a month. I delete Bumble, too—thankful I didn’t waste $300 on the lifetime subscription I almost bought earlier. And I even delete Tinder, which I never actually created an account for. The moment I do it, I feel lighter. Free.

When I get home, I put on The Midnight Library audiobook and start organizing the house. As I listen, I can see all these new possibilities opening up precisely because I’m not numbing myself on dating apps. I see how fake and superficial the whole system is—for both men and women. Women sort through men like they’re shopping for a product, filtering by job title, height, whether he has kids, what kind of dog he owns, or how his photos look. Meanwhile, men—myself included—judge almost entirely on body shape and size. If a woman is overweight or hiding her body in every photo, I don’t even look further.

Yet in person, it’s totally different. I’ve been told I’m good with women in real life, and I believe it. I can connect, flirt, charm, and hold presence in a way that can’t be captured in an app. I know I could easily attract a woman in her twenties in person—or meet someone in her thirties who wants kids and is ready for a real relationship. Online, though, it feels like a grind, full of effort, frustration, and distractions.

After only one day, I can already feel how my self-confidence has slipped. Yesterday, I had what I’d call “delusional self-confidence”—not based on external validation, but on a deep knowing that I’m an incredible partner, that any woman would be lucky to have me. But now, after a few hours on these apps, that grounded certainty has eroded. I replay the moment from earlier tonight, when that woman at the AA meeting was leaving. If I hadn’t spent the day swiping on strangers, I know I would’ve had the courage to walk out with her, smile, and ask, “Hey, are you single?” Instead, I stayed frozen—scrolling through illusions of connection while the real one walked right past me. If you can feel the apps eroding your own confidence the way they eroded mine, you can schedule a one-on-one call with me and we can talk through where you’re at.

When I put the pieces together, I can see exactly what happened. Spending all that time on the dating apps gave me the illusion that I’d made progress in my love life, when really, I hadn’t done anything of value. I swiped through hundreds of profiles on Hinge and didn’t get a single response. It hit me: the same dynamic I wrote about in I Was Famous on the Internet applies here too.

The dating platforms thrive on volume. They want as many profiles as possible, even if most of them are inactive or fake. My own Hinge and Bumble accounts are now part of that graveyard—dead profiles that women can swipe on forever without realizing I’ve already deleted the apps. I’d bet at least 90 percent of the profiles I interacted with were inactive. What a waste of time and energy. It’s another trap, another digital illusion dressed up as opportunity. A Trojan horse. The pitch is irresistible—Look, endless women to meet from all over the world!—but the reality is hollow. If I had spent those three hours trying to meet someone in real life, I’d have a far better chance. That’s three yoga classes I could’ve attended.

My yoga studio keeps calling to me. While I’m single, I’m going to meet someone there. Maybe it’ll be a woman in her twenties who assumes I’m in my mid-thirties because I look so healthy. Maybe she wouldn’t have swiped on me online, but when we meet in person and she feels the energy between us, all those artificial filters will dissolve. She won’t care about stats or profile text—she’ll just love how she feels around me. I’m grateful I can see that clearly now.

I also find myself thinking about my work. I was talking to some of the parents at school today, and they mentioned a senior living community nearby—an upscale place for active seniors who want community. They thought it might be a perfect setting for me to share my books and connect with people who’d love to talk, who have the means to pay for one-on-one sessions, and who might even hire me to turn their life stories into books. I’m wondering if I should pursue that or focus on going door-to-door in my own neighborhood. Handing out free books could help me meet my neighbors and build authentic relationships.

People tend to dislike door-to-door visits these days, but maybe that’s because most of the people knocking are trying to sell something. What if I flipped that script? Imagine opening your door and meeting a friendly neighbor who just wants to give you a free book. I could say, “I’m an author who lives nearby, and I wanted to share this with you.” Inside the book, there’d be a gentle invitation to connect further—my website, my coaching offer, a way to book a call if someone wanted to talk. That feels organic. Honest. Real.

Before I start doing that, though, I need to set up scheduling and payment on my website so people can actually book a session. Once that’s live, I’ll be ready to start canvassing with purpose—and magic tends to happen when I act on inspiration like that.

As the night winds down, I let myself relax. I find myself thinking about the woman from AA, picturing the kind of beautiful, real women I’ll meet in person. It feels healthier than the night before, when my mind was on a stranger’s photo from a dating app. This time it’s someone I’ve actually met—there’s a real possibility there.

I know some people would probably call it creepy or inappropriate, but I don’t see it that way. I’m not doing anything illegal or immoral. Maybe some book somewhere would argue otherwise. But tonight, it just feels human. Honest. A reminder that I don’t need algorithms to feel desire, or to imagine connection.

I noticed an unsettling amount of fanaticism on the dating apps. Profiles listing vaccination status as if it were a personality trait—so naturally, as someone unvaccinated, I felt compelled to include that detail on mine too. Then there’s the religious posturing: women declaring they only want a man who “loves Jesus” or who reads a certain sacred book. What a pile of nonsense. I can’t bring myself to care deeply about people who lived thousands of years ago. Most days, it takes everything I have just to care for and pay attention to the living people around me—my mom, for instance.

When I clear away distractions, it’s easy to feel her love and to return it. Why, then, would I need to seek love from some figure long dead? So much of religion feels like organized mind control, conditioning people to obey rather than think. I realize I’d never make it far with women who put that sort of thing in their profiles. I wouldn’t be able to keep my mouth shut about how I see it. If a woman’s ideal Sunday morning involves going to church, we’re not a match. Now, if she’s at church while I’m at an AA meeting, maybe that could work—but otherwise, no thanks.

Later that night, I took care of some grooming I’d been putting off. It got me wondering—why are certain body topics labeled “inappropriate” while others are perfectly acceptable? What makes it different from mentioning that I trimmed my toenails or shaved my face? It’s all grooming, all maintenance of the same body. The only difference is the stigma society attaches to certain areas.

I’m grateful that I feel whole today—that I feel love and joy in all parts of my body. I was especially aware of my feet while playing tennis yesterday, noticing how strong and steady they felt. Why should any part of my body be treated as shameful? It’s all part of me, part of my life.

People sometimes tell me, “Jerry, you can’t talk about that stuff around women.” But why not? We all have bodies. The kind of world I want to live in is one where we can speak freely about ourselves without shame. You don’t change the world by fighting against it—you change it by living as if the better version of it already exists.

So that’s what I do. I try to live as if it’s already normal to talk about the whole body, and our humanity, as easily as getting a haircut. When I finally look at the clock, it’s 11:36 p.m. Time for bed.

If you connect with how I live and think, you can follow the rest of my days on YouTube in my Dating playlist.