My answer, plainly: I believe the dating outcome follows your internal frame far more than it follows the market. The apps, the stats and the endless "dating is broken" content describe what happens to people who are operating from fear, scarcity or a closed heart, and for a long time I was one of those people. I spent most of a year going on dates I had no enthusiasm for, paying for matchmaking, and feeling defeated afterward. In my experience, changing the frame I bring into the room has mattered more than any technique I have tried.
I want to be precise about what I do not mean, because "it's all in your head" is easy to hear as a promise that people will show up if you think positive thoughts. I do not believe that. Effort doesn't guarantee success. What it guarantees is that you can feel good about what you did, and that you keep control of the part that is actually yours. The other person decides how they respond. I have been ghosted, turned down and canceled on, and the mindset is not a magic trick. It is a way to stay open enough to keep taking shots.
My thinking has moved across these posts. In my August 2024 post I argued that dating can be one of the best areas of your life, and the foundation was what I called an abundant mindset. When a friend said she could never be with anyone again if her husband died, I told her that was scarcity thinking. I also said dating isn't a numbers game: you only need to find the one and ignore the many.
By July 2026 the idea had become something I had experienced. Since October 2025, most of my dating had felt like pain and defeat. The change came when I stopped trying to approach and started getting ready: I stopped listening to people who said dating is broken, I wrote a gratitude list, and I practiced putting out loving energy. Then, on a regular Monday at the yoga studio, I heard a woman mention she was a content creator, I walked over, and we talked for 50 minutes. The lesson I drew was to trust her interest until she shows otherwise, instead of withdrawing at the first silence.
The most practical post in the set is my August 2026 post on effort. I compared dating to shooting baskets. After twenty years of telling myself I was not a three-point shooter, I started celebrating every shot that went in instead of getting frustrated by the misses, and I say my three-point percentage doubled. I applied the same idea to Hinge. I bought roses, sent over 90 of them, spent $180 of a $200 budget, and took shots with 91 different women. Most of those shots were still in the air, because dating gives you slow and unclear feedback. That is the honest part: you can do everything right and still wait a long time to learn anything.
My newest post, I'm the Creator of My Own Reality from August 2026, pushes the idea further. I argue that dating is worth prioritizing because the people I know who deprioritized it ended up lonely in their 50s, 60s and 70s, and I say I refuse to let other people's narratives tell me how to think. It is also the most combative of the four. Friends have expressed concern, I rejected the advice to heal my childhood issues, and I wrote down what I believe so I can answer people quickly. Read it as where my head was in late summer 2026, not as a finished theory. The thread underneath is the same one that runs through the other three: I focus on what I control.
Put together, here is where I have landed. Dating outcomes depend on other people, so I try not to control them. I focus on three things I can control: how ready I am before I walk into a room, how much effort I put into reaching out, and the story I tell myself afterward. If the story is "I'm failing," I adjust the effort. If the story is "I'm worth dating," I keep taking shots. I still think dating is one of the most important things to make time for, and I also think it should not become the whole of your identity.
Below this opening you will find the four posts in full, newest first. My hubs on dating apps and Hinge cover the practical side.
On this page
Every post I have written on this subject is below in full, newest first, each under its own heading.
- I'm the Creator of My Own Reality (August 24, 2026)
- You're Winning at Dating Even When It Doesn't Work Out (August 5, 2026)
- Your Dating Life Can Change in One Day (July 17, 2026)
- The Future of Dating Is Brighter Than You Can Imagine (August 2, 2024)
I'm the Creator of My Own Reality
From my video published August 24, 2026.
It's August 24th, 2026, here with your boy, Jerry Banfield, and I am fired up today. My message today is simple: don't let anybody else tell you how to think or control the narratives in your mind. I am here, I love my life, I'm proud of what I'm doing, and I'm going in a great direction. Nobody else is going to tell me anything besides that. And thank you all for crushing it. The last vlog that published — "I'm talking to seven women, surely one date will work out" — pulled 633 views in the first six hours with an eight minute average watch time. One out of ten. Let's go. I'm proud of where I'm at.
What I've been doing in the last 24 hours especially is realizing I need to just relax and do what I feel like. Because especially in dating, people say, "Be yourself." And then I'm like, what is myself? Well, I had this situation. There's a single mom I sent six messages to last week. She sent one response back. And I thought, you know what? I feel like sending her a four minute voice memo today. This is a connection through a friend — a good friend connected the two of us — and the single mom's just been very apathetic. "I'm so busy, I don't have time." So I sent her a four minute voice memo because I felt like it. Not trying to get anything, but like, look, this is some custom content just for you, to help remind you of how much I care about you.
Why Dating Is Worth Prioritizing
This is how important dating is. I realized: you're in your 40s, you've got two kids about the same age as mine, you're hustling with their business. You might think dating's annoying, that it's not important. But give it 10 years down the road — 20, 30 years. I know so many people who have sad, pathetic lives in their 50s, 60s, and 70s because they didn't prioritize dating, because they didn't have time, because they were too busy. And now they're coping. Their bodies just fell apart. They're wishing. They're lonely. You can't even bring up dating or sex without them getting very sensitive and uncomfortable, because decades ago they chose to pursue money and survive. And now they're lonely as hell — functioning, scrolling on their phones all night, sad.
Now, obviously, the results vary. That's a generalization based on a bunch of people I know. Obviously you can be in a toxic relationship that's awful too, and it's obviously possible to be single and have a great life. But most of the time, deprioritizing dating is going to be one of the dumbest things you do long term. You are not going to like how that works out over the next several decades. My message is that dating is one of the most important things to prioritize. You don't need to validate yourself with it and have your whole life be about it. But it's worth trying. It's worth making the effort. It's worth reaching out.
The Conversation That Blew My Mind
I had a conversation that blew my mind about dating last night. I have a family member that I often look at and think — I focus on what I do better than him. He has a couple of things going, like his money; he's doing real good with that, and I often try to learn a little bit from him. But he told me about how he's dating on dating apps and he's crushing it. I'm like, dang. Once I realized this is what we needed to talk about, I asked him questions for an hour. He'd been talking about a bunch of random stuff, and then he's like, "Yeah, I just had this girl over," and hooked up with her. I was like, what? Tell me about that. And he told me everything. Answered all my questions for an hour straight.
Here's the thing: I have so many advantages over him in certain areas of dating. And yet he works the angles he has, and he consistently gets results that I haven't been getting. What I love is that if I see somebody who has something I can learn from — something I want to learn — I'll dive into that. I'll ask questions. I'll be the student. I'm like, "Look, what did you put on your profile? Dude, you used a picture from 20 years ago? Nice." And he just told me everything. It was such a great conversation — one of the best conversations. We talked for two hours. It was awesome, and I left with love and respect. I'm like, thank you.
That's what people often won't do. Instead, we'll see somebody who has what we want, we'll get jealous, and we'll start hating on them. If you see somebody that's got what you want: ask. Ask for their help. Plead for their help. Let them help you. Like me — if you see something you want, go to my website, spend $1,000, and spend hours talking to me. And then between calls, you can have text. I have ICP coaching up there. Dating coaching. And YouTube coaching. I'm very good — maybe the dating is the weakest link out of the three of those, but I'm very good. I am killing it at content creation, and I am one of the best people in the world to do ICP coaching. And if you're struggling with dating, I can help you have an indomitable, no-quit, no-matter-what attitude. That's what I can do. I am going to get an awesome experience dating, and I refuse to let anybody tell me anything different.
"Bro, I'm So Concerned for You"
I talked to my friend today. Good friend — known him for years. He heard that share from the meeting I was at, the one I posted a video about, where I shared in an AA meeting and everybody wanted to fight me — or a few people wanted to fight me. And he was telling me, "Bro, I'm so concerned for you. I don't think you're going in a good direction." I'm like, let me stop you right there. I don't care about your opinion about the direction I'm going. I disagree with your assessment of my situation, and I have no interest in hearing why you don't agree. Then I'm like, okay, tell me. He's like, "I don't think you're going the right direction, bro." I'm like, what is the right direction? He's like, "Feel your feelings and heal your childhood issues."
I've felt my feelings. I have no childhood issues. Those are weak excuses at this point. I haven't been a child for over 20 years. I've done it — I've processed all that. There's no reason to be like, "Well, my mother went in the military when I was almost a year old, and I missed her during the day when my dad took care of me, and that's why I need a woman to validate me." That's ridiculous. That has nothing to do with where I'm at today.
And I'm proud that I'm out there approaching women in person. The family member said, "I don't know if dating apps are for you, but you are doing good approaching women in person." He struggles with that — between his job and the rest of the stuff he has to do, he doesn't have a lot of opportunities to meet women in person. He's like, "You should be doing as much as you can in person." I'm really proud that I'm here, that I'm trying, and that I'm getting clear on what I believe is true and the narrative behind everything. Because if you're not clear on what's true for you, everybody else will just push you around and tell you what to think. Well, duh.
Sending It Because I Feel Like It
I was also thinking of this other woman I texted. She sent me a couple of messages. What did she say? She said she wasn't interested. I said, "Hey, you want to go on a walk?" A day later, she's like, "Nah, I'm not feeling available for that, but thank you for sharing." So I texted her a few days later: "You're welcome. Maybe you're feeling available today." She's like, "Nah, not interested in doing that. Thank you." So I sent her a voice memo today with this whole little analogy that was relevant to a conversation we had. I just felt like sending her that. She didn't say to stop talking to her, so I'm going to send it because I feel like it, and whatever she does is up to her. I don't care which way it works out — I think she needs to hear it, so I'm going to say it. And I'm proud of living like that.
TikTok Is Off to a Strong Start
I've been posting these videos on TikTok, and I'm impressed — my TikTok has gotten off to a strong start. Somebody's like, "You're not that popular, are you?" Not that popular? Well, I posted a brand new TikTok account at Jerry Banfield — which somehow was available — and we got 1,600 views on my first two videos. Let's go. I'm going to start cranking out five videos a day, maybe at least five videos a day, to that TikTok channel. And then I'm going to crank out several videos a day to my Jerry Banfield ICP TikTok channel. I just found a service through ChatGPT that I should be able to just drop everything into, because right now I'm producing about six long form videos like this a day — I guess I don't know what format y'all are watching, but technically six long form videos a day — and then I'm cranking out like 12 shorts a day. I've been trying to upload the shorts to TikTok on my phone and then Instagram and Facebook on desktop, which I just created all of yesterday.
I love how fast I move. I move fast with women. I move fast with my business. I move fast with making the changes I need to make in my life. And I'm proud of that. Now, sometimes I move a little too fast and wreck. Whoops. That's fine — we're going to put it all back together. I'm going to get all these videos uploaded, I'm going to go off online, and I'm going to just print money.
Here's an example. I just had a call scheduled at jerrybanfield.com — $96 for 30 minutes. At the end of the call, they're like, "Do you offer ICP coaching?" I'm like, yes — let me put that on my website. So I just put the ICP coaching up at jerrybanfield.com/icp-coach. It's up there. And it's like, dang — here's an opportunity to make $1,000 in a month doing a few calls and responding to some messages, and help somebody do something that's really meaningful for them: build their business on ICP and get it off the crap it's on now. That's a win for me. It's a win for them. It's a win for everybody else involved with them. And damn, your boy can make $963 off that. Awesome.
You just got to keep winning and hold strong. But I'm seeing I need to get clear on: what do I believe in? What is true for me? What's true for me is that I'm proud of my life.
I Refuse to Accept Other People's Narratives
If something fell out of the sky and crushed this whole house with me in it right now, I'd be like: that was a good life. And I'm proud of it. I refuse to accept other people's narratives. You should resist as strong as possible any BS thing that somebody's trying to do to you — whether it's telling you how to think or trying to make you feel bad. Fuck that. I was trying not to curse, but fuck that. Now we're cursing. Let it go. Can't hold it back anymore.
I love when people talk about me, even if it is talking shit. Go ahead and talk shit about me, because I know what's true and you're just entertaining me with your shit talking. And I watched a video that had me laughing. I don't know if I can just — I guess, what can I say about this video? Look, I can't tell y'all everything out on these videos. If you want to know what I was going to say right there, go to jerrybanfield.com and you can DM me in my Skool community or in jerrybanfield.com/chat — I'll tell y'all what I was going to say. Because I respect the YouTube community and I like to err on the side of caution with the stuff I say publicly. I know some of you think that's hard to believe, but if I'm following the rules, anything else goes. Which means there are so many rules we follow in our lives that are unwritten rules. There's no actual rule, but it's like: "Well, you shouldn't just tell a girl you're pretty."
"You Can't Do That — It's 2026"
People on TikTok are all trying to argue with me. I said, I'm just direct. I go up and I'm like, "Hey, you're pretty. Are you single?" And they're like, "You can't do that. It's 2026." I'm like, bullshit — because I am doing it. And I got a phone number and two canceled dates out of doing that. And they could have been dates that weren't canceled. So you can absolutely do that. It seems some women even respect it. Look, I'm not acting like I'm talking to you for any other reason than that you're pretty.
And then this one girl just started texting me all of a sudden — texting out of nowhere. Haven't seen her in weeks. I've known her for years and she's a friend, but last I heard she had a boyfriend. All of a sudden she just texted me all this stuff. I need to respond back, too — it's funny, I've gotten behind — but she just texted me paragraphs, like, "Hey," and paragraphs. She texted me out of the blue. She double texted me, too. The last message she sent was — dang — a month ago. A month ago was the last message she sent. And then she texted me this morning and said, "You're my friend and I care about you. What have you been up to?" I'm like, how nice is that? In an ideal world, I just sit back and get messages like that from women all the time and just respond. Maybe we can make that happen one day. That's what I'm working on. That's what I'm manifesting. That's what I like. I'll just sit back and have women pay for calls all over the world at jerrybanfield.com just to try and court me, because I'm so special.
The Creator of My Own Reality
Now, I know some of you think that I'm utterly delusional. Good. I'm the creator of my own reality, and nobody else is going to create my reality for me. Nobody else is going to give me bullshit-ass narratives like "you should just feel your feelings." Fuck that. I'm going to get out there and have fun. I'm going to enjoy life. I'm going to try and give as much as I can to the world that I want. I'm going to work on creating the world I want. Who put this thing together? Me. That's who. Who do I trust? Me. That's who. That's who I trust.
And the funny thing is, I realized I need to write down everything I believe in. So when anybody comes off with some bullshit, I can be like: nope. Fuck that. No, thanks. You can think whatever you want. Not interested.
That said, there is a place to learn and to adjust and to grow and to open our minds. And that's where, if there's an opportunity for improvement, I'm thinking maybe I'll use online dating apps again. I put a poll up on that in my Skool community — you can let me know what you think.
You can follow this whole dating journey from the beginning in my Dating playlist. We're skipping towards 15 minutes, so I'm going to cut it off like Lorena Bobbitt.
You're Winning at Dating Even When It Doesn't Work Out
From my video published August 5, 2026.
Winning at Dating by Focusing on Effort, Not Outcome
I'm winning at dating today because I'm making an effort, I feel great about the effort I'm putting in, and I'm not defining success based on the outcome. I'm going to make an analogy that changed how I look at dating, because in my experience, if dating feels awful, it's because you're judging things based on the outcome. You're judging on dating apps like Hinge whether you get a match, or whether you get a reply, or whether someone wants to go out with you, getting a second date, building a relationship, getting married, having kids. But here's the thing: all of that takes someone else to participate, and all I can do is put in the effort myself.
I made this basketball analogy in my Kobe Bryant titled video, and it's changed the way I've looked at dating. I used to look at dating as: if I'm not getting laid, if I'm not meeting a woman and having amazing chemistry and working towards a relationship and having a marriage and another family, then I'm failing. And then dating consistently became painful, because all I saw was failure. I was making an effort, but I kept thinking everything was a failure.
The Basketball Shift That Doubled My Three-Point Percentage
What changed was in another area of my life: basketball. I was at the gym one day after two decades of shooting basketball — as a kid in middle school, spending hours and hours outside every day shooting and having fun playing — and after two decades, it occurred to me that I should be playing basketball, and I should focus on the effort and on every success. I can put in the effort, I can try and take the shots, and then I should celebrate every time a shot goes in, instead of getting more frustrated when a shot misses and then just feeling a little bit of relief when one goes in.
I instantly doubled my three-pointer percentage after twenty years of getting mostly frustrated shooting three-pointers, telling stories that I can't shoot very well, that I'm not a three-point shooter, that I'm better in the middle of the game. And I was like, whatever. I doubled my three-point percentage instantly when I started focusing on this: I'm going to put in the effort, and I'm going to put in the effort until I make 100 three-pointers, and I'm going to do that as fast as possible. In order to do that as fast as possible, I need to focus on every time a shot goes in and basically ignore the shots that miss. When a shot misses, just go grab the ball as soon as possible, set up, and shoot again as soon as possible.
100 Roses on Hinge: Taking Shots in Dating
I'm doing the same thing with dating that I did with basketball. I've bought 100 roses on Hinge this week. I've sent over 90 of them out. I've sent out probably another 100 priority likes. I paid for Hinge premium. Within the last week, I met a woman in person and scheduled a date with her. I've got a date scheduled in a couple of hours — I just texted to confirm that it works today. And within the last month, I met a woman at yoga, dated her for a week, had an awesome time, and then I hurt, and it fell apart. But all of that's okay. Because to me, if I'm putting in the effort, I'm setting myself up for success, and I can celebrate every effort I make. I can celebrate every time I take a shot.
I just took a shot with a rose, which is $2 per shot on Hinge. I spent $180 of my $200 and took shots with 91 different women. I matched with a few of them that I unmatched. I matched with a couple of them after starting the conversation — one, who already knew me in real life, said, oh, we can be great friends. Unmatch. And most of my shots so far are still in the air. That's what's tough with dating: you don't often get instantaneous feedback. Lots of times it's like this — I just matched with a doctor who's more than a decade younger than me. I sent her a rose a few days ago, and she just matched me and started communicating with me today. So dating is hard because it's not as simple and instant as taking a shot and immediately seeing whether it goes in or not. Sometimes I take 90 shots with roses, and then I wait while all the balls are metaphorically in the air, and I'm wondering which ones went in. So yes, it's a lot more emotionally difficult than basketball.
Emotional Maturity Is the Story You Tell Yourself
All these women say they want an emotionally mature and intelligent man, and to me, a big part of managing emotions is the stories you're telling. When I tell myself the truth of it, I felt so good sitting on the couch today. I made an effort. I've got one date scheduled a couple hours from now, from Hinge. I've met at least one woman I really liked from Hinge earlier this year. And I've had several other dates, which were adventures, which were conversations with new people — one of which was a woman catfishing me, and I called her out on it, which I've talked about in previous videos. What I know is that when I make an effort, I'm setting myself up for success. Success is built on effort.
It's the same with my work. I've filmed six YouTube videos today — this is the second one about dating. I can't control how many views I get on my videos, but I can control the effort I put into them. I'm going to get more of my YouTube channels monetized, I'm going to make more and more income, and I'm going to help more and more people who are struggling with dating to have a better way of looking at it. A lot of these videos out there talking about how broken dating is completely miss this. My videos are different. They're authentic, heartfelt dating, where I want to help as many people as possible find an amazing person to love and to build a life with. Maybe that's never in a position to go viral on the algorithm. But every person my videos help to have a great relationship — that's a huge success. I can't control that, though. All I can do is show up every day, try, and make an effort.
Putting the Effort in the Right Place
Now, yes, you don't want to make an effort in the wrong place. So I test where my efforts are appreciated and where they aren't. It's like on a basketball court: I decided I like to practice and make the effort for three-pointers, because then when I play one-on-one and I can drain three-pointers, it makes it hard to play one-on-one against me. And when I play a game with other people, if my specialty is shooting three-pointers, I know what I need to do and I can contribute offensively. So I figure out where my effort belongs. If I'm trying to put my effort into dunking on a ten-foot hoop at 5'11", at 42 years old, not even generally getting within a foot of the hoop, that's probably not effort that's ever going to lead to the result.
So I consistently look at which efforts I'm making and try to optimize where the effort is going into getting results. I tried writing books — I have 35 books published on Amazon — and those efforts were getting almost no results. So I switched to YouTube videos. Now I've got a half million YouTube views organically, for free, in the last four months. That effort has led to success. But in order to do that, I've published 423 videos since May 18th, and I published about 100 or so, maybe 200, before that. I put in the effort for the YouTube videos, and then I got the results.
I know that with dating, all I need to do is keep putting in the right effort. The right effort is reaching out and taking shots. I need to reach out, introduce myself to women in person, say hi, and constantly play with conversations to see who's interested in me. If someone's interested, see if they want to go out with me. If they want to go out with me, then I put the effort into planning the date. So many women say they want a man who puts in the effort — which, ironically, is probably because they're dating a lot of men who aren't that interested in them. I'm putting in the effort, and some woman, I'm sure, will really appreciate the effort I put in, and I'll appreciate that she appreciates it.
Effort Doesn't Guarantee Success — It Guarantees You Can Feel Good
To me, effort doesn't guarantee success, but it guarantees that you can feel good. You're showing up, you're trying. And if you feel bad about the results, then it's time to adjust the effort being put in. You don't have to make up a story about how you're not worthwhile. I think I look pretty good when it comes to dating. I think I have a beautiful face. My body fat is under 20%, and one reason it's not much lower is that I used to be over 30%, so I still have some of the skin that hangs. But I have a lean body, and I'm in fantastic health. I put a lot of effort into taking care of myself and being the kind of man who's in the kind of shape that a woman I find attractive is going to want to date.
When I got divorced, my friends were all like, you can't divorce her — she's so hot, you'll never find a woman that attractive again. Wrong. I'm going to find another woman that attractive, because how many men are willing to spend $200 on Hinge roses and take that many shots? Even if I miss most of the time — even if I miss the vast majority of the time — if I get a handful of matches, which converts into a few dates, then there's a chance I end up in a relationship I'm really happy with. And therefore I put the effort into being the kind of man I'm proud to be, the kind of man who's ready to receive what I want. Then I put the effort into reaching out, offering my hand to say, hey, I want to go out with you — let's go out. I put the effort into paying the bill. I put the effort into planning dates and showing up. I put the effort into text messaging, voice memos, phone calls. And then I feel successful every day, because the journey is part of the fun.
If you immediately knew that you were going to find an amazing person and have a great life with them, wouldn't that take the fun out of it? I know sometimes I feel like, man, what if I don't get this right? What if I put in all this effort and I never have another great relationship? I don't know. Part of the fun is having that doubt.
Part of the Fun Is Not Knowing
Part of the fun is not knowing. And part of the fun is that, yes, it might never work out. I might never have another happy marriage. I might not have any more kids. I might never find a woman I'm really excited to date again. But as long as I'm putting in the effort, I feel successful. Just like as long as I'm out there on the basketball court taking shots, I'm saying thank you that I can shoot three-pointers. And then I can be certain some of them are going to go in. I just focus on the shots that go in, and I focus on the shots I take.
I had a friend who told me this one day. He said, Jerry, I feel good when I take a risk — a risk that's taken for the right reasons, like reaching out and offering to go on a date with somebody, or sending a rose. I took the risk for the right reason. And I've learned that I feel good when I take those risks, when I make myself vulnerable. Even if my feelings get hurt and it doesn't work out, at least I'm putting in the effort, and I feel successful every day.
Every Step Is a Success
So I'm inviting you to tell the story that as long as you're making an effort in the direction of what you want, as long as you're taking steps, you don't have to wait for the outcome to feel successful. Take a marathon, for example — well, I've never run a marathon, so how about this: I've run nine miles before. If you're starting on a nine-mile run, every step you take is part of getting the nine miles run. Every step along the way is a success, and you need every single step to get to the nine miles. I can't just jump straight to a marriage and children at this point. But every step I take along the way is a step in the right direction. And every step I take assures me that at some point, someone is going to match my effort, dance with me, and we're going to have a great life.
Tell Me If This Inspired You
So if this inspired you, tell me. You can post it and share it when you join the Jerry Banfield Family, direct message me, ask me for feedback, and share things you have questions about.
If dating is something you're working on, there's plenty more where this came from in my Dating playlist, where I share the whole journey as it happens.
You can also ask for a private one-on-one call with me. Lots of times, just having somebody listen and witness where you're at today will produce amazing transformation.
Based on what I'm saying here, you can count on me to be an empathetic listener, to share from my experience, and to always leave you feeling like your efforts are worthy of feeling successful today.
Your Dating Life Can Change in One Day
From my video published July 17, 2026.
Your entire dating life could change within the next 24 hours, and I'm going to describe exactly how that happened for me. I want to tell you that I'm not special. Everything that's happened for me — where dating, as I thought of it a week ago, has transformed so rapidly to where I am just dating one person now and I'm so excited about it, when a week ago I wasn't — I want you to know this can happen for you. The more you're aware that it can happen for you, the more you're ready for it to happen, the more you think about it happening to you, and the more you talk to the universe and to the person you want to meet, the faster it will happen.
Where I Was Coming From
If you haven't seen my videos before, I got divorced. I was with my ex for 15 years total between dating and marriage, I have two kids, I was born in 1984, and we got divorced last year. It's July 2026 now, and since October 2025 almost all of that dating was pain, misery, addictive feelings, frustration, and brief moments of excitement followed by being crushed, anxious, sad, depressed, and hopeless. Then trying again and failing again, and eventually going out on dates where I barely had any enthusiasm, feeling totally defeated going and paying for a matchmaking service, doing online dating, meeting women in person — trying everything. I went out with at least 10, maybe close to 15 different women this year without having sex with any of them, feeling no chemistry with most, and then feeling some chemistry with some who didn't feel anything back and wouldn't respond on the phone. All the videos out there talking about how dating is broken describe exactly the experience I was having.
Then on Monday this week — it's Friday now — I met a woman who absolutely changed the entire feeling of the whole equation. And I was in a space where I wasn't even approaching a woman. I wasn't talking to a woman, I wasn't asking for a phone number, I wasn't asking for a date. I was doing nothing. I was at the yoga studio with that attitude, and I'd had a woman or two actually approach me and be friendly, but I didn't do anything except match her energy. On this particular day, it was just a regular day where nothing interesting seemed like it was going to happen — the same kind of day I've had at the yoga studio being single a hundred times. I was folding my mat up.
I Was Ready
But here's the thing: I was ready. I was extremely aware of my desires. I was very aware of exactly what I was looking for — that I would love to be with a woman who's a content creator like me, a woman who plays tennis, who's healthy, who's active, who wants children, who's beautiful. I had all of that very firmly in mind. I also wanted to be my best self with her — to be confident, to walk right up and talk with her, to turn her on, to have a fantastic interaction, and then to be clear about communication and everything from there. I had my desire firmly in my mind.
In fact, two days before this, I'd been so miserable and frustrated that I yelled out in my house by myself. First off, there was a woman I thought I was going to date, and another woman I had dated, and then I went to one event where there were two different women I'd dated, which was pretty uncomfortable, and a third woman I was hoping would be there wasn't. I went home feeling like a mess. I cried on the floor. First I screamed out, "There is no higher power." And then after that I said — talking to my future woman — "If you want me to keep putting up with this, you better get here soon, because I'm really getting tired of all this crap." I put out that very strong, heartfelt desire directly.
I had a dating coach. I wrote down a gratitude list for all the women in my life. I did so much work — I was constantly, every day, working on being ready. And I stopped listening to all these losers who are just putting out junk, sabotaging people's chances to date, and talking about how dating is broken. Of course it's broken from their point of view. Then I took inventory on Sunday. I made a video asking, is anyone having fun dating? I had the realization that this should be fun, and I expressed my utter agony about dating very clearly. I felt so embarrassed after I put that video out. Before that, I'd also made a video about how I invite a woman to approach me without saying anything, and I followed it exactly.
On Monday I went to the yoga studio, and nothing special seemed to be happening, but I was putting out all the loving energy I talked about in that earlier video: thank you for all these women who are here today, thank you, I appreciate you being here. I was just putting out that loving energy at the studio. I was very much controlling what I was putting out and very much focused on sharing that with anyone around me. I did the yoga class, I didn't see anyone around who seemed interested in talking with me, and I thought I was just going home to a regular Monday. I had no idea what was about to happen. But I was ready.
To me, that's the most important thing: you get ready. And if you are single, if you're stuck, if you're tired of starting over, I'm here to help you. It might be some of the best money you ever spend. Schedule a one-on-one call with me and I will help you get ready to date, build a plan, and turn dates into relationships at last — which is exactly what I'm doing successfully for myself right now in the middle of this.
The Moment at the Yoga Studio
So I showed up to the yoga studio ready. But I had thought I'd showed up ready other times, and nothing happened. Just because you're ready doesn't mean something's instantly going to happen. But I wonder now how many times I wasn't ready and something could have happened — I just wasn't paying attention. I went to a class I wouldn't normally have gone to; I was thinking of going at a different time, but I just went to this class. And I saw a woman a couple of rows in front of me that I'd seen once or twice before. She was pretty, but she didn't know me — we'd never interacted at all.
I was getting my yoga mat and getting ready to go. I had my shirt on, I had everything ready to walk out — but I was listening. I was paying attention. I wasn't in my head about the videos I was making. I wasn't frustrated that nothing was happening. I was just paying attention to my environment. I'd noticed that sometimes when I went to the yoga studio in my own head about my videos, or in fear, or with my heart closed, it seemed like there were women walking by me being friendly and I just couldn't connect with them because I wasn't present.
But on Monday I was listening, and I heard this woman near me talking about how she had so many videos to edit. Another woman — and I didn't know either of them, I'd never talked to either of them — said something like, "Oh, are you a content creator?" And she said, "Yeah, I'm always filming videos. That's what I do." My ears perked up. Really? But then my head said, "You can't approach her. Remember what you said? You're never going to ask a woman out again." Then the woman who had been asking the questions walked away, and this woman was just standing there by herself, and I was just ten feet from her.
Meanwhile, my sponsor had just told me that what feels good to him is to take a risk. He said it sounded like my never-approaching strategy was a way to not take risk. He said in his life it feels good — not taking stupid risks, but taking a risk first, for the right reasons and in the right circumstance: a risk to bring some joy to somebody else's life and to connect. I thought of that, and I said to myself, I've got to talk to this woman. I have to talk to her.
So I walked up to her and said, "Hey, I heard you were talking about video editing. Are you a content creator?" I made sure I was watching the tone of my voice. I made sure to talk with force — not a timid, mumbled "hey, I heard you were a content creator," but walking up and embodying it. I spoke with a voice designed to show I'm a man looking to communicate with a woman and share. She started talking, and we ended up talking for 50 minutes after the class. I've talked more about that in some of my recent videos and vlogs, but I'm going to focus now on what happened after that.
I left there thinking, what just happened? That was so incredible. That woman was so amazing. My heart was just singing. Wow — she is so compatible. But my mind was also saying, wait, you don't know anything, it's too early. Yet already, in one conversation, I had qualified that the two of us were very compatible and that we were both single — and I brought all of it up super naturally, in a playful way, and it was all fun. I was thinking about her the whole rest of the day. And instead of playing any games or any of that, since she had texted me her name, within 30 minutes or an hour after I'd seen her I started texting her, and we ended up texting most of the evening and having a really nice conversation. When I woke up the next day, I was sobbing with love and gratitude. I felt a little crazy — dude, why do I have so much emotion about this woman? You just met her. It doesn't make any sense. But I did. I felt like my heart was just open and wanted to give everything I've got to give. And that was the opposite of my old approach.
In a lot of my dating I had been feeling totally closed-hearted, trying to protect myself, ready to withdraw at a moment's notice. And within this 24-hour period I went from "there are some women I know, maybe I'll date them, but they don't seem like they're just right for me, and it's frustrating" — from dating being frustrating and wondering when the hell am I going to meet someone, is there anyone out there — to, all of a sudden, 24 hours later: oh my God, I will do whatever it takes to be a great man for this woman.
Trusting Instead of Withdrawing
That morning I messaged her good morning — she had messaged me good night the evening before. Then I didn't hear from her for five hours, and my mind started in: man, were you all wrong about this? Here you go, you got excited. But then she responded back enthusiastically, and we had a great text conversation the whole week. We met up and had a fantastic date yesterday, we had a fantastic conversation, and we agreed that we just want to focus on pursuing this with each other. I canceled the matchmaking date I had scheduled for today. What the hell happened this week?
If you'd told me on Sunday that I was about to meet a woman I haven't felt this way about maybe ever — or at the closest, since I met my ex 15 years ago — that I was about to meet a woman who was going to change my life... I've just been crying all week. My heart has been so open. I've been releasing, I've been forgiving. I've had some of the old patterns try to come up with her — oh, she doesn't like me, why is she not responding? — and I just keep focusing: keep your heart open. I'm not going to believe any of that. I'm going to trust that she's interested until she expresses otherwise, and it's perfectly reasonable for her to take some time between messages. I refuse to let my heart close up, get in fear, and get defensive.
And I wonder now about some of the stories I've shared before, like the single mom who ghosted me — I made a whole video about that. If I had been feeling about that single mom the way I'm feeling about this woman now, there's a good chance she doesn't ghost me. Because I've come to believe we're all telepathically connected — some of us are just more aware of the connection than others — and what blocks things is having a closed heart that's defensive, scared, and full of resentment, fear, judgment, and hate. What's amazing is that this woman has taken the same open-hearted approach with me, and from what she's described, she's had a very similar experience going through this process. I hope we can do videos together in the future to talk about all of this in more detail.
Readiness, Not Luck
If you'd told me last Friday, "nothing's going to work out with any of the women you know now, but just wait — in a couple of days you're going to meet somebody who will absolutely blow you away"... that's the thing. I remember so many times I'd go to a yoga class, go home, and think, I didn't meet anyone, and this is crap. But I also feel that when I hit a maximum level of readiness, then I did meet somebody almost right away. My real job this whole time has been to get more ready, to be more prepared, and then to reach out to the universe.
Most of these other dating videos out there are so hopeless — junk that people talk about, all these strategies and trauma and reasons why everything's horrible. No. In my experience, there is absolute magic available to you. The miracles you may have heard about in things like religions — that has not stopped. Life continues to be miraculous. I can tell you from my own view that what I've seen in the last week has been absolutely amazing. Just meeting this one woman has been one of the biggest changes I've seen in my whole life. I feel so, so good.
My mom is telling me to slow down. I said, "Mom, remember how grateful you were to get a second chance after your first marriage ended? Remember how grateful you were to find Dad?" I can handle it if this doesn't work out. What I can't handle is playing it safe in the game of love. Because if anything, the more I opened my heart and got ready to just give everything, then someone was ready — and this woman responded really positively to that: wow, here's a guy who is really open-hearted and wants to offer all this love and joy to me.
I can see now that with the women I went out with before, I didn't feel that way, and I can see how they responded the way they did — saying there were no romantic sparks, or "I'm just not that attracted to you," or just not responding to my messages. With that single mom who ghosted me, I was putting out all this fear and mistrust energy toward her — this disbelief that she wasn't going to text me back, that she didn't mean what she said. And literally, that single mom had reached out after not seeing me for six months — the only person at a yoga studio where about 100 people knew me, one of the only attractive women there who had my phone number — she reached out to me and immediately asked me out on a date. We had a great date together. And then all I did after that was put out negative energy toward her.
With this woman I met this week, every time my mind tried to do that, I said no. I trust this woman, and I'm going to offer everything I have, and I'm going to keep doing that unless there's absolute destruction. I'm not going to just stop and close up and think, oh my God, I was wrong, I need to withdraw, I need to protect myself. No — I'm going to offer. If she doesn't text back for five hours, I'm going to trust that her feelings haven't changed and that as soon as she gets a chance, she will respond. I'm going to connect with her on a heartfelt, mind-felt level. And my God, it has felt so good. What's beautiful is that this seems to be just as good for her as it is for me. It seems like her whole life has shifted in the last week too — this has been like a quantum timeline leap for both of us. It's been a huge thing for both of us. And she said she didn't normally go to that yoga class either.
Get Ready — This Is Real Love
So I invite you to be ready and get prepared. This is not luck. This is being ready. This is trusting the universe. This is opening your heart. This is letting go of all these crappy stories people tell about dating. This is real love. Everybody keeps telling me, "I hope this works out." It's working out now. It's working out right now. I've loved my kids better this week. I've been able to love my mom more open-heartedly this week. Just meeting this woman has taken the filter off some of the love in my heart, and I've been loving everybody that much more — the people I've had calls with, my ex, everyone. You can follow this whole story as it keeps unfolding in my Dating playlist.
I also see that what I need to do in my business is be more ready to receive all that money in my business too, which is why I see that scheduling one-on-one calls seems to be the main thing you all want to do. Schedule a one-on-one call with me — imagine being able to share your unique situation and have me give you some concrete ideas on exactly what you could do specifically to be ready. Because to me, yes, fundamentally we all open our hearts to be ready. But practically, I take care of my appearance, I take care of my body, I'm constantly being careful about what I put in my mind and my body, and how I'm treating everybody impacts how ready I am.
I just want you to find the love of your life. I'm certain, no matter who you are, that there's someone who could love you like you've never been loved before, and that will be fantastic for you, for them, and for the world. Two people running into each other who love each other makes the entire world a better place. I believe we could probably end almost every single thing you think of as bad on this planet if we could just have more of us run into someone we really love — because that will help us love everybody else, and everybody across the whole world would be lifted up by it.
The Future of Dating Is Brighter Than You Can Imagine
From my video published August 2, 2024.
The future of dating is brighter than you can ever imagine, and I want to give you an idea of what that looks like, because I want you to have an awesome experience. In my experience, dating can be one of the best areas of your life in terms of growing your character, living your life's purpose, and feeling joy and connection with others.
My relationship with my wife is better than I've ever seen, and we continue to get better. We're going to go spend the weekend at the Don Cesar in a couple of days, and I'm so excited about that. The passion in my relationship with my wife is alive and well after 13 years. I just talked with my friend the other day, and she said, wow, I didn't even understand the level of passion you and your wife had in your relationship until I just got this new boyfriend. We're banging it out every day, she told me. I never want to break up with him. They've been together over half a year now, and it's awesome. That's what I want all of you to have, because it's so good. It makes me so happy. It makes life so much better, and I believe you should never settle for anything less than that. Never waste your time with anything less than that.
Never settle for the bare minimum
I saw a video where somebody was live streaming, and a lady who helps people with these kinds of issues was talking with someone in her community. This person had a boyfriend who was off doing all this Buddhist stuff and trying to be a monk, and she wanted to have sex two or three times a week, which to me is like the absolute bare minimum. We need to do more than that. This guy, I guess, found it a struggle to even want to meet her halfway, which is once or twice a week. To me, that is so freaking lame. That is awful. You can have a brighter future in dating once you realize that the person you want exists, is out there, and would love for you to meet them.
I believe the next generation will have it even better
A lot of us think about the future and wonder whether to worry about the generation our kids will grow up in when it comes to dating. The fear goes something like this: girls these days are just totally about money and height, and often want to do drugs and hang out on their phones. You could get even a lot more negative than that. But I think my son has a fantastic dating future to look forward to, even better than what I've experienced.
Why? Because my parents had it better than their parents did, and their parents had it better than their parents before them. If you believe in progress, then what we have in front of us is better than where we've come from, and it's not like anything we've seen before. I was miserable being single, sexually frustrated, and inept at dating. I struggled a lot, often to the point of wanting to end it all. I would get so depressed, alone, and angry. I think my son's going to have a much easier time than I did.
And if you want to have an easier time with dating, asking questions is the way to do it. Look for somebody who has what you want, and just ask them to help you. Ask them for advice. I think people in the future have the chance to get to know each other better and foster more direct connections. Yes, I look at some of the people in their teens today who are constantly on their phones, having relationships via texting, and that doesn't look very good, does it? But there are also some people who give me hope and excitement for the future.
I have a friend who was in her late thirties. I've known her for years, and she kept dating people. She dated some who were nice, but they just weren't right for her, so she kept letting them go. Then she got a guy she's absolutely thrilled about. She's going to have a baby soon. They're living in an RV in somebody's backyard, which is incredibly cost effective. She is having the exact relationship she's wanted for years in her life. She enjoyed the time dating. She lived with girlfriends while she was single. And I think my son has a chance to have a much better dating life than me.
Height and money are superficial — character is the foundation
Yes, while some girls only care about a man being taller than them and having money, there are other girls who don't. And the more people open their minds, the less superficial things are going to matter. My son's probably going to be tall, because he's my son and I'm taller than my dad. But when it comes to money, I tell so many guys these days: don't worry about making money. Don't worry about whether you're living with your parents. All you need to think about is what kind of relationship you want to have in your life.
What do you have to offer a girl? Are you fun? Will you make her laugh? Will you listen to her stories? Do you care about her life? How much do you have to offer in the bedroom? Are you going to make her feel really great, show her a great time, care about her experience? How do you look? Is she going to be proud to be out with you?
I have a friend, a short guy, who had a wife and a girlfriend at the same time. I'm thinking, how is this short guy pulling so much action? Him, the wife, and the girlfriend were all getting together in a hotel at the same time. I'm like, I'm taking notes from this dude. Now it's all gone downhill — he doesn't have time to see the girlfriend, the girlfriend can hardly get away to see him, and the wife got a boyfriend. So don't let your height and your money fool you, because those things are superficial. What really matters is your character inside.
I watched this guy, Owen Cook, who teaches dating. At no point would you have looked at him and thought, wow, this guy is exactly what every woman wants. Externally he doesn't seem tall. He was really skinny for a while, and fat another time, in his own words. And yet he's had an incredible dating life with all kinds of people you would fantasize about dating, including models. It seems like he's had a really incredible life and has taught other people to date. The foundation of his teaching is developing a skill set of being social. You literally get out there and talk to someone. That's all you have to do. I wrote about what I learned watching twenty hours of Owen Cook if you want to go deeper on that.
An abundant mindset means you're never afraid of losing love
I love my wife, and I'm very happy with our marriage. At the same time, I'm not afraid of losing her, because I've got the skills. I tell my wife: you're welcome to leave anytime. I only want you to be here if you're happy here. And I refuse to have a bad relationship. That's because of my abundant mindset.
I have a friend who was talking the other day, saying, well, if something happened to my husband, I just would never want to be with anybody again. I told her, don't think like that. That's a scarcity mindset. In my experience, there are so many wonderful people on this planet who would love to be with you. I don't care what age you are or what demographic you are — you just need to put yourself in a position to receive.
My aunt was in her mid sixties years ago. She'd gotten divorced from her husband, and she was trying online dating. She went out on one online date, it didn't go well, and she was ready to give up. I told my mother to give her this advice. I said, do you know how many online dates I went on before I found my wife? Do you know how many things went wrong? How many times the "girls" ended up being guys who wanted to film a gay porn with me? Do you know how many times I failed at online dating? How many times I had close-up pictures, got out there, and the girl looked 100 pounds heavier than her profile, so I wasn't attracted one bit, and the whole profile turned out to be fraudulent? Do you know how many things like that I went through before I met my wife? A lot. I don't even know how many. More than probably most of my friends combined.
I failed. I got rejected. I was made uncomfortable. I got into awkward situations, like ending up in a trailer park with a woman I didn't even know, that I didn't even like or find attractive, and then her daughter started talking about how grown up she is, and she wasn't anywhere near 18. I'm thinking, I've got to get out of here, man. I've got to get out of here. This is the kind of situation people put themselves in — and this is how it happens. I'm out, running out of that trailer with the dogs chasing me. I got into so many bad situations.
The reason I found a wife I'm extremely happy with today is because I tried. I put myself out there, I learned, I failed, and I developed my character. Some of my failures really helped me. There was a dispatcher at work, and at one point I'm like, I've got to have her. It was all wrong. It was drama. It was rough. But at the same time, after being with her, I knew I had confidence. I knew I could attract almost any woman. I don't care how good a woman looks physically — I've got something to offer her, and that is very attractive. When I met my wife, I had this confidence that I'm worth dating, that I'm good enough.
So the future of dating, to me, is incredibly bright, especially as more people get in touch with themselves and do their inner work, and maybe don't have as many traumatic childhoods, and get raised by parents like me, who tell them since they're little that they're worth it and help them have successful relationships. If you're good at having relationships and communicating, dating can be very easy. This is the same reason I believe relationships are the greatest form of wealth there is. If you want more of how I think about all of this, I keep these conversations going in my Dating playlist.
Isolation makes dating hard — but it doesn't have to be
If you're sitting on your phone and your computer all day, isolated, like I used to do, then yes, dating was hard. But dating doesn't have to be hard. And the future of dating gives me a lot of hope. Some of the people I see today in their teens and twenties have minds that are open to ideas I was closed to.
I have a friend who used to go to all these BDSM events. I'd think, there's a whole group of you who all do this together, and it's fun, and you enjoy yourselves. That's pretty far out there to me. But her open mind helped me open my mind more. It got me excited for a future where people are more comfortable talking about sex, where people dating are more honest with each other, where people know their value and refuse to settle.
One of the biggest problems with dating is that people feel they don't have any worth, and then they're desperate to just take anyone. So many people marry the wrong person, or date someone where the relationship is just crap. Instead of both of them on a second date saying, okay, this sucks, we should both do better, they're so desperate and so sure they're not worth it that they convince themselves they're never going to get another date again. The less that happens, the more we're going to have a better world, because unhappy parents make for a bad household to grow up in, and that creates more children who have a hard time dating and valuing themselves. So the more parents we have raising kids the way I'm trying to raise mine, the more hope I keep getting for the future.
The most valuable skill you can teach your kids is to communicate
To me, it's all about building the future you want to have. One of the most valuable skills you can teach your kids is to communicate. If you want your son to have an easier time than you had, teach your son to communicate. Teach your son not to isolate and get sucked into things like video games and binge-watching videos.
The biggest way you teach is to lead by example. That's why I'm unplugging from video games. I'm out there playing tennis, meeting people at meetings and yoga classes, communicating. I lead by example. I show my kids how to communicate. I show my kids what it looks like to have a very happy, healthy life and a very healthy relationship. That's going to make it way easier for my kids than it was for me. Now, they have their own choices — they can go do whatever they want.
Sometimes kids who are really healthy are attracted to someone who's a project. My wife seems to have been raised in a very healthy home, and it seems like she was looking for a project, because I was very much a project when we started dating — and some would argue I still am — but she fixed me up real nice. So the more people we have who can help fix up some of these other damaged goods in dating, I think we can have a really exciting future that's not just superficial.
Yes, there are girls out there who just want a guy who can take them out on boats, who's taller than them, works out, has money, and they can do drugs with. And there are lots of guys out there who want that kind of woman. But fortunately, there are a lot of other people too who want different things.
"I can't date yet" is a story, not the truth
One of my friends had broken up with his baby mama, then had drama, got back with her, broke up, got back together again. I asked him, are you dating? You need to get out there and date somebody. He said, well, I can't date. I live with my dad. I don't have enough money to get my own place. I can't date yet.
I told him that's ridiculous. There are girls out there who are single and would love to be with you. There are girls who would think you living with your dad is really smart and would actually like that. They have their own place, and they'll be happy for you to come over, because they're working, they have a job, and they're proud they have their own place. What they can't find is a guy who's not hooked on drugs, who's not a complete jerk, who's tall and in good shape. And I told him, you are tall, you are in good shape — you need to be out there dating. Sure enough, he found a girlfriend he's really happy with, very fast.
I tell so many people that, and I've seen so many people get into happy relationships. Then sometimes they screw them up, because they're not comfortable being happy, so they make drama in their relationship and push the other person away. I know how to do that, certainly. This is the same reason I keep telling people that dating isn't a numbers game — you only need to find the one and ignore the many. If any of this resonates, I'd love for you to join Jerry Banfield Family and keep the conversation going with me directly.
So get excited about dating in the future. What we've been through, comparatively, could be called hell compared to where we're going. Get excited about the future. I'm here for you, and I make these videos because I want you to have the kind of relationship that has made my own life so much better.