My answer, based on what I have tested this year, is that a woman will sometimes approach you first if you quietly put out warm feeling toward her and then leave her alone. I call it a silent invitation. You keep your mouth shut, you keep your body still, you stay close enough that she can feel what you are putting out, and you let her decide whether to come over. It does not work most of the time. In my experience it lands about one time in five, and the other four times I get no reaction at all. That is exactly why I think it is the safer approach compared with walking up and talking first.
I have written about this from two directions, and both posts went up on July 10, 2026. In How I Invite a Woman to Approach Me Without Saying a Word I explain the mindset: I am not approaching, I am not asking for a number, and I am just sitting near a woman with an open heart and waiting. In How to Help a Woman Approach You Without Saying a Word I walk through one yoga class step by step, what I did on my mat, what she did when class ended, and why I did not ask for her number. The two posts describe the same idea from different sides.
The idea did not start as a plan. I stumbled into it while I was still married. There was a woman I kept seeing at yoga, and I was missing the way I used to feel about my wife, so I put a lot of loving, grateful energy toward her every class. Eventually she turned and spoke to me first. But I learned the wrong lesson from it and made some expensive mistakes. I got too excited and told one woman she was the most beautiful woman in the studio after she had only just asked my name. Later, after my separation, I did the same thing with a married woman, and she complained that she did not feel safe with me in class. That complaint is why I now treat the boundaries as part of the technique.
Here is how my view has changed. Since my divorce last year, I have tried starting conversations, and almost every time the woman shut it down and felt nothing for me. That is why I said recently that I will never ask a woman out again. I now believe a woman needs to feel something for a man before she will talk to him, and that the man's job is physical safety. So I do not make eye contact, I do not speak, and I do not initiate. Once a woman does come to me, I match only the energy she gives, and I do not offer my number. If she wants it, she has to ask.
There are also limits that matter as much as the technique. Do not do this with a woman who is married, has a partner, or would not want that energy in her life. I have a friend with a boyfriend I know, and I am very careful not to do this with her, because she would receive it. Do not say anything to someone you have not met, either, because the words are what create problems. And you cannot fake the feeling. If I am not honestly feeling warmth from the heart, I do not try to put it out there.
I want to be honest about my results. I am 5 foot 11, I am in shape, and I lost 80 pounds after weighing 250, but I am not some top-tier-looking guy. What has worked for me is connecting with a woman at a heart level, quietly, and then letting her choose the next step. If you want the other side of this, the approach problem is covered in my cold approach write-up, and the mindset I come back to is in the dating mindset hub. For the emotional side of rejection, see dating with an open heart when it hurts.
Below this opening you will find the contents and then both posts in full. Keep your expectations low and let most attempts go quietly. If you want me to look at your own situation directly, you can get a personal video review at https://jerrybanfield.com/review/.
On this page
Every post I have written on this subject is below in full, newest first, each under its own heading.
- How I Invite a Woman to Approach Me Without Saying a Word (July 10, 2026)
- How to Help a Woman Approach You Without Saying a Word (July 10, 2026)
How I Invite a Woman to Approach Me Without Saying a Word
From my video published July 10, 2026.
Here's how I invite a woman to approach me without actually saying anything to her. This is basically the opposite of cold approach. This is doing my part to support what I think of as warm approach, where I put out very warm and loving feelings toward a woman, and that encourages her to then get interested and approach me from a place of safety.
Now, I'm practicing this as a single man looking to date women — looking to find one woman to have a wife with and more kids with, since I had one wife and I have an ex and kids already. This is my dating philosophy. It's optimized for me being a safe man who has made it clear I'm not approaching women: no cold approach, no dating apps, no going around trying to get phone numbers or ask women on dates. So many of you asked, okay, well, what exactly are you going to do then? This is what I do to help women want to approach me, and I'll tell you exactly how I did this yesterday.
The Silent Invitation
Yesterday, I went to the yoga studio. I picked out a place I was going to put my mat down. Then this woman who's at least 10, maybe 15 years younger than me and looks very attractive puts her mat down right about where I was going to. And I figured, well, I'm just going to put my mat over there too, because that's the best spot. Physical positioning will really help with this. The closer you can be together, and the longer you'll be near each other, the better this works — because this is based on the idea that each of our hearts puts out an electrical field that goes out for several feet beyond our body.
So the basic idea is that I invite a woman to approach me by putting out all the love and warmth that I have for her. And then when the woman identifies that she's feeling good, and she associates me with that feeling — or it creates a desire in her to meet me — that invites her to approach. But note that I don't do anything concretely or objectively to make that happen. I don't do anything outside of being very careful about my emotional state. I'm not starting a conversation with her. On the surface, I'm minding my own business. But inside, my heart is putting out the frequency that it's open and that it's looking for connection. This is a silent invitation, and it's an internal exercise.
Now, this will not work 100% of the time. In fact, most of the time it probably will not work. It depends on the woman — and obviously, if you're doing the same strategy with a man, it depends on the person who's receiving it. If a woman has a partner, or is not interested in connection, or is in her own head, then the nice thing is that when I do this, I know there's no connection. If this doesn't work to get the woman to approach me and start a conversation with me, then I certainly do not want to do that with her. I certainly don't want to start a conversation or pay any attention to her. Because here's what happens: about 20% of the time that I do this, I get the results that happened yesterday.
What I Did at the Yoga Studio
So I went to the yoga studio yesterday and put my mat nearby this woman, who is the exact kind of woman — at least physically, and given that she's in a yoga studio doing a hot yoga practice, and I'm in shape and I really care about fitness, energy, and wellness, these are good odds. If I was cold approaching — which I am completely against; cold approaching to me is bothering people that don't want to be bothered by you most of the time — this is the exact kind of woman I would cold approach, right? But instead, I go put my yoga mat down a normal distance from her, not too close or anything. And then I don't say anything. I might look in her direction, but I intentionally try not to be looking at her or initiating eye contact or anything, because at this point she doesn't feel anything for me. If anything, the earlier I start some interaction, when there's no feeling or connection, the more unlikely she's going to be to want to carry it further. And I've tested that out a lot of times.
What I do instead: I mind my own business. I sit on my yoga mat. And yesterday I was feeling a little defensive, so I consciously told myself — open your heart. You're in the right environment. Open your heart to this woman who's next to you, who's beautiful, who may align with what you want, who may not, but put all the love you have out toward her. And if she's receptive, she will feel that, and she will be curious to get to know you. And it may not even be a conscious process for her. She just may be like, who's this guy next to me? I want to meet him.
So I did that for the entire yoga class. I mean hundreds and hundreds of intentional thoughts. While my body is doing an intense physical workout and sweat's going everywhere, mentally I am affirming over and over: I'm so grateful this woman is here. I am so proud of her yoga practice. I'm essentially saying a whole bunch of nice things to her in my mind, over and over again. And to myself too — look at you, you're on this yoga mat taking care of yourself. This is difficult and you're up for it. So I'm putting out this very strong, loving energy the entire time. And sometimes that comes out a bit playful, where I'm laughing and smiling, and that produces some concrete joy. But I'm focusing on my energy — what kind of energy am I putting out? And then this woman is close enough to very easily be able to feel that energy.
Now, I don't like generalizations, but men often are generally very logical and visual, and women often are much more emotional. And one of the things that women have told me they treasure about a man is how they feel with the man. So this entire practice is turning a cold approach into a warm approach — while maintaining physical safety as well.
Leading in Physical Safety
To me, I'm the leader in physical safety as a man. And the way I can maintain physical safety is that I do not initiate or start things with women. I don't bother a woman. I focus on communicating the emotion to the woman, and then I sit back and don't disturb her until she's ready to have that conversation with me. Because the modern dating scene has left a lot of women very guarded from getting approached all the time. And it's also left a lot of women feeling that they have infinite options — guys they can just DM on Instagram and guys they can have on dating apps. So in person, I'm looking to be the opposite of that. I'm a man that can offer you very good feelings, but at the same time, I'm not going to bother you. You're going to have to come to me for more of these feelings. I'm here with the good vibes, and if you are interested in that, you approach me.
This way, I'm leading in physical safety: I'm not disturbing her, I'm not initiating, I'm not approaching, I'm not doing anything to trigger her defenses — which is very important. And I've tested trying to be generically friendly a bunch of times. You want the woman to have that sense of physical safety that you're not going to bother her at all. And then if she wants something from you, she's got to come get it from you. That's a big part of this energy: a refusal on my part to initiate, combined with that feeling.
How She Approached Me
So what happened at the end of class? Now, I do need to pay attention to my physical positioning to do this. I'm not doing this strategy and then getting up and jetting out of class right away. I'm in a position where, if she wants to talk to me, I'm there and it's easy. Yesterday, as the class wrapped up — again, there was no eye contact or any verbal communication at all between the two of us; we did yoga next to each other for an hour, and I did this internal practice — I sat there and listened to the yoga instructor do the announcements and everything. This woman keeps sitting there, so I keep sitting there too. Not doing anything. I just sit there. And she sits there.
Then, all of a sudden, she goes from kind of sitting there not doing anything, turns directly, and looks straight at me. She puts her fist out and says, "Great job on your yoga practice." And I just get a big smile. I'm like, nice — this woman is receptive to my feelings. How awesome. I put my fist out and I match her energy. I had also been paying attention to what she was doing during her practice, to make sure that if she did start talking to me, I could immediately have something to say back. I'm taking notes — like, oh, good job, you got up into your crow pose. So when she approaches me, I'm ready, and I've got material to work with that shows I've been paying attention, that I care about her, and that I'm interested in her also. Whatever level of interest she has in me, I have that same interest in her.
And here's what's so amazing about this: if I had tried to start a conversation, she probably would have gotten defensive and shut me down, as I've experienced a whole bunch of times since I got divorced over the last year. Almost every time I've tried that, the woman shuts the conversation down and feels nothing. But since I did this first, she's very warm. She's very interested in talking to me. She's asking questions — what do you do? I'm joking around and being funny. I told her I'm a YouTuber, and she reacts positively. And then I'm like, well, what do you do? She says she's in sales. And instead of the usual "oh, that's really cool to hear," I say something like the opposite: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that." Right? Because you're just out there cold texting and cold calling — I have empathy, like, oh, that sounds rough.
So I'm there playing. I'm willing to be myself. I'm not just trying to get her acknowledgement and validation — I'm teasing her, I'm playing with her, I'm even risking getting her angry by some of the stuff I'm saying. It's clear that I'm very self-contained. I've got a lot of love to give, but I'm also going to communicate my ideas regardless of how she feels about her job or something like that.
I'm not going to sit there and try to act like I think a sales job's great. I'm like, oh, sorry to hear that — condolences that you're selling software. So then I walk off from her to go over to the cubbies and get my stuff, and she walks out the door first. Now, meanwhile — I used to be a police officer, so I'm just naturally always paying attention to my surroundings, and since this woman approached me, I'm even more interested in what she's doing. I then walk out, and guess who's waiting outside the door. She's walked like a half block down, stopped, and she's fooling with like five things — which, if I was her and hoping this wasn't over with me, is exactly what I would do to make it look harmless while hoping to run into me again. So I walk her direction and we talk a bit more. And then she asks, "Do you usually come to this class?" And I'm like, "No, I usually am playing tennis on Thursdays." And then I walk off and say, "It was nice meeting you today."
Why I Didn't Ask for Her Number
I do not ask for her phone number. Because if she wants my phone number, if she wants something more with me, I want her to leave thinking, "I wish he'd asked for my phone number. I hope I see him again." I want her to leave wanting more. At the same time, I put that class in my schedule. And she did ask what my YouTube channel is, so she could end up finding this story in my Dating playlist herself — and maybe I'll get a chance to talk to her about this directly.
This was such a nice experience. But here's the thing: if I don't put that kind of energy out first, there's no way she just turns to me that warm and friendly. I've been to enough yoga classes to know. You would think I would do this every single time. The crazy thing is that I'm in a bad mood sometimes. I come into a yoga class with my heart closed, I'm surrounded by beautiful women, and nothing at all will happen. No one will notice me. No one will be friendly. No one will smile. And then I get frustrated — all these people in here, and I just feel alone. Well, you came in with this bad attitude and these hurt feelings, and then you couldn't love yourself or anybody else hardly. Why would you put out bad feelings? You should be happy that nobody approached you and wanted more of those bad feelings.
I've now repeated this same basic technique in a variety of circumstances, and I can tell you it's extremely powerful. And again, if you don't know the person, you can't tell whether it's going to work or not. But the beauty of it is that this is also just a great way to live — a great way to go around normally. Yes, it takes some effort, but the more I do it, the more it gets to be a habit. And then it baffles me as to why I would ever go to a yoga class with a bad attitude.
The Time I Ruined It by Getting Too Excited
I've seen this work time and time again. In the past, this worked with the most beautiful girl I've ever seen at this yoga studio out of hundreds — and I made the mistake of one-upping her interest. I did this with another woman over a period of weeks, and in my mind, I was just worshiping her. And this woman actually initiated with me too. But I didn't have, at that point, the firm commitment: I'm not approaching, I'm not asking for a phone number or anything. So when this woman reached out her hand and introduced herself to me first — and was very interested to meet me and talk to me — I kind of ruined it by then telling her that I thought she was the most beautiful woman I'd seen in the yoga studio. Which was true. But it also came out way too heavy, and she hadn't demonstrated that level of interest in me. So I essentially ruined the exact same kind of thing that I described happening yesterday. I ruined it by getting too excited too quickly.
So I've learned that as a man, I need to maintain the physical safety. I need to not do anything to trigger the woman, especially when we're first meeting and haven't even been out on a date. I need to avoid doing anything to trigger her defenses. I need to let her completely come to me. And that includes afterward: if she gives me her phone number, then I wait till she messages me. If possible, I communicate that, so she understands that it's up to her to initiate communication — that I don't initiate communication. Even with most of the men, friends, and family in my life, I generally do not initiate communication. I have the Jerry Banfield Family, and I focus on the people who've joined it to communicate with me — I focus on showing up for that.
I've done this technique a number of times now, and when it works, it just feels so good. And yes, sometimes I feel a bit sad, because I don't know who this technique is going to work with, and 80% of the time I don't get any reaction. But I'll tell you: 99% of the time, if I don't go around with this kind of loving, open heart, what happened yesterday will not happen. So this technique opens up a lot of women approaching me. And it's just amazing to see who it is — to see who does feel me and who's very interested.
I had the same kind of interaction with a different woman at yoga. Same thing: an hour, and again, absolutely no contact or communication before the hour was up. At the end of class, she just spins around on her mat, gives me this huge smile, and looks at me for like two seconds before saying anything. That's what I'm talking about. That is absolutely an outlier reaction. I've done so many yoga classes, and that almost never happens if I'm not in there with my energy, putting out that clean, loving, happy vibe. That's a very intentional thing I'm doing inside. And I'm so excited to pair this with that emphasis on minimizing triggering her guards — not approaching, nothing I'm doing outwardly, just sitting back to receive. That is so exciting to me.
If You're Single, Stuck, or Starting Over
I have a family of all of us online, from all my channels, that follow my content. If you're single, if you're feeling stuck, or if you're starting over — I've been there. I still am there. I'm not feeling stuck, though. I got divorced last year after a very happy — most of it — 15-year relationship with my ex, the mother of my kids. I'm single right now. I have zero options at the moment. But I have so many women that I put out all this love for, and I'm just interested to see who is interested in me. I'm just doing my thing, helping you and people like you as much as I can, and I'm ready for a woman who's really interested in me to pursue me. And I'm communicating that. I have a date tonight, and tomorrow night I'm going to a party — a sober event. There are so many women there that I have some kind of chemistry with, that I've already danced with, that I have a history with. I'm just so excited to see what happens. And even nothing happening is kind of interesting — it's like, I wonder what else is going to happen.
And joining my community will be the best thing you ever do for your dating life. I'll help you get ready to date. I'm putting more videos in there, and I'm putting all my old courses in there. You can post exactly where you're at right now, and I'll personally read it and respond to it. There are other people in the community too, and I have a lot of time to be there to support you. I am there to help you build a real-life dating plan — no dating apps. I don't use dating apps. I used to. They're awful. They totally ruin everything. And I'll help you and support you from being single, stuck, and starting over, to turning dates into a relationship that lasts.
That's my only goal with dating. I don't care about hookups, body count, and one-night stands. I did enough of that in my 20s — and one of those after getting separated. All I care about is having a beautiful relationship, and I don't want anything else besides that. No distractions. No drama. No flakes. None of that. So if you want to have your single life be awesome — where you love it, and all you're doing is getting ready to date and executing a plan, and then, when you do get dates, turning those into relationships — I'm here. God, that sales pitch was longer than I meant for it to be. Great — the sales pitch just got longer now. Nice.
How to Help a Woman Approach You Without Saying a Word
From my video published July 10, 2026.
Here’s how you can help a woman approach you without saying a word, using your heart, your mind, and your feelings. I successfully applied this an hour ago, and I stumbled into this strategy by accident. This is something more advanced that will require your whole body, mind, and soul to be in alignment to do it, so don’t be frustrated if it doesn’t work right away. It also will often only work maybe 20% of the time — but when it does, you’ll be like, whoa, that was awesome. Here’s the basic strategy, and then I’ll explain all the details around it.
She Needs to Feel Something First
Women generally — and this doesn’t mean every woman — are often very much feeling based. If you want a woman to approach you, she needs to feel something for you. And most of the time, women don’t feel anything for most of the men they’re around. Especially if you talk to her first, she often will not feel something positive these days, which is why I said recently that I will never ask a woman out again. I believe in using my heart to attract a woman who feels so safe that she will initiate with me — which is exactly what happened earlier today.
Here’s how you do that. The way I understand it, your heart puts out an electrical field that is powerful enough to be felt acutely within a few feet. So in order to get a woman to approach me, what I do is start opening my heart, and I think about how much I love her and how much I’m grateful she’s there. I start thinking a whole bunch of these warm, loving thoughts. Sometimes, depending on the situation, I’ll go down a whole rabbit hole with it. This is powerful, though, so you need to be careful how you use it. This is not something I would do with a woman who has a wedding ring on, and if you do this with a woman you’ve already talked to, there are a lot of additional problems — I’ll get into that in a minute.
The basic strategy is to be silent and to just focus your heart and your love on the woman you would like to approach you. Obviously this works better in an environment where you have some time together silently — a yoga studio, the gym, a workout class, an AA meeting, a church group — anywhere you don’t have to worry about making small talk, but where you’re going to be sitting there or working out near each other without talking. The more you do this over time, the more you put out these loving thoughts, the more of a chance you have to build an intense level of feeling. If you want to help her feel safe and desiring of approaching, this is what I’ve found it takes.
What This Looked Like at Yoga Today
Let me show you what this looks like when it’s done successfully. I was at a yoga class today, I walked in, and I started feeling a bit defensive again. I talked about that yesterday — how dating is not broken, it’s our hearts that we need to forgive and put back together, and from there everything will work fine. I remembered that, and I’m like, I’m going to open my heart and I’m going to really love and show up. And then this woman who’s 10 or 15 years younger than me, very attractive, puts her mat right about where I wanted to put my mat while I was still putting my shoes in the shelf. My first feeling is annoyance. I’m like, well, damn it — now what? And then I’m like, you know what, I’m going to put my mat right next to her, because I wanted to go over there anyway.
So I walk over and I put my yoga mat next to her, but I don’t make eye contact with her. I do not say anything to her. I want to remain mysterious. I want her to feel something for me before there’s ever any conversation, and I want her to initiate that conversation. I want it to be her idea. I put my mat down next to her and then I go about my yoga practice. But as I go about my practice, I start thinking and focusing this energy on this woman right next to me as intensely as I can. I think: I love you. You’re so beautiful. I’m so glad you’re here. Look at that — outstanding yoga pose. I’m complimenting her in my mind. I even have lots of sexual thoughts that I allow to go through my mind, and I have fantasies about us doing stuff together.
Now, some people would call that simping, but here’s the thing: if you focus it, it is really powerful. If you put that feeling out there, it can work to get something started — you just can’t be putting it out there directly. If you can focus that energy, it will sometimes be felt very warmly. A woman will, for some reason, just feel really good being next to you. So that’s what I did for the entire yoga class. I love you. You’re so beautiful. I’m so glad you’re here. Thank you for showing up today. Think of that hundreds and hundreds of times — hundreds and hundreds of affirmations during class — while meanwhile I’m paying attention to my own yoga practice.
Meanwhile, I am lean, but I’m not some Chad. I don’t have a six pack. In fact, I have a little spare tire, because I used to weigh 250 pounds and I lost 80 pounds, so my skin is still a little loose around my belly since it’s so much smaller than it was a decade ago. I’m 5’11”. I’m good looking, but I am not some top-tier-looking guy by any means. And you don’t have to be — because in my experience, if you can connect right with a woman’s heart like this, that’s going to matter more than anything else. You can tell with guys like Casey Zander that their stuff is purely logical guy stuff. With the women you want to connect with, you connect at a heart level to make the best connection.
She Made Her Move
So I did that for the entire yoga class. And then I sat there and waited for her to get up. I just gave her space and time to make her move. And she made her move. After the instructor finished talking, she turned and looked me right in the eyes, stuck her fist out, and said, “Good job in that class today.” And I was like, nice — that worked.
Do you understand how rare that is? If I don’t do these exact techniques, if I don’t have that inner experience — I’ve been to thousands of yoga classes, and that will almost never happen without me having that internal experience of just loving and worshiping and being super grateful for her. That will almost never happen. So I say there is a very strong causal relationship between what I did inside and what she did on the outside. I guarantee you, 99 times out of a hundred, if I’m in class hurt like I was yesterday — not physically, but mentally — if I’m all butthurt and close-hearted and thinking judgmental thoughts about her, or distracted thinking about my work or doing something else, 99 times out of a hundred this woman I’ve never seen before does not turn, make physical contact with me, reach out to me first, and directly approach me. I guarantee you that doesn’t happen. Maybe occasionally it might happen if you’re just super good looking — but even then, you will often intimidate women, and they won’t start anything with you anyway. So this is extremely powerful, and I’ve done it a bunch of times. I’ll share some of those stories in a minute.
Here’s how the rest of it went. She starts a conversation with me. I talk to her, and then I break off the conversation because my cubby’s in a different direction. She goes outside, and she ends up walking a block ahead of me, stopping to fool around with her stuff, and I’m like, I don’t know what’s going on. I happen to be walking the same direction, run into her, and start talking to her again. She is very warm with me — very interested in talking about me, asking questions about me, sharing about herself. Do you understand how rare that is? If you go out with a bad attitude, if you go out with a closed heart, if you don’t put out that energy, that doesn’t happen. I’ve been on a bit of a negative spiral lately going to these yoga classes, feeling all butthurt and jealous that my ex-wife has already found a new boyfriend while I’ve gone out with something like 20 women. And that’s part of why I’m writing this down — I don’t want to forget it.
And then I do not ask for her phone number. I let her offer her phone number if she wants to. One of the last things she said was, “Do you come to this class regularly?” And I’m like, “No, I usually play tennis now.” And then I just walked off in the other direction. I want her to want more from me. I want her to do exactly what she did. If she wants my phone number, she can ask for it — I’m not going to offer it, because when it’s her idea, she’ll be very interested and very warm.
I guarantee if I had started talking to her first today with cold energy — that cold-approach energy so many of these guys are teaching — I know what I’d get. I’ve tried that a bunch of times at yoga classes over the last year, where I didn’t put out that loving energy and came in with cold-approach energy instead. And what do I get? They’re cold with me. They’re uninterested in talking to me. They can’t wait to stop talking to me. And then I feel bad, and because I feel bad, I’m not going out with that loving energy the next time. Today, I felt so good, and I think I left her feeling good. And you know what? I put that yoga class down on my calendar. I’ll go to that one another time and see if she’s there. And if she’s there, I’ll slide my mat up next to her again, say hi, see how she reacts from there, and then put that energy out again.
How I First Discovered This by Accident
Now let me tell you how I first discovered this strategy. It was totally by accident, in a yoga class a few years ago. I noticed this woman and I’m just like, my God — I just felt so much. Maybe it’s because she was really attractive. She was there with her girlfriend, though. And I kept seeing this woman in class, and I kept putting this energy out towards her, because I was having a little rough time in my marriage, and I was missing feeling that way about my wife. This woman really reminded me of my wife ten years before. So I started putting this energy out towards her.
This woman was a decade younger than me and absolutely as beautiful as I could want a woman to be — and again, she was there with a girlfriend I saw her in class with. I did not consciously know what I was doing at the time. All I knew is that when I saw her, I just felt all this love, lust, and desire, and I was so happy. There are so many beautiful women in yoga, but for some reason this particular woman caught my attention way more than any other had. And I just put out all this love and worshiped her and was so excited — but I did not say anything to her, especially because I was married. I’m like, this is perfectly harmless if I don’t say anything.
I saw her at at least six yoga classes, and each of us took turns putting our mat down right next to the other one. But nobody said anything, because we were both in relationships. And yet one day I put my mat down next to her and I’m like, I have to talk to her today. I have to. I go to look to speak to her — and she looks and turns and speaks to me first. If you want to talk about romantic sparks: oh my God, this feeling was so strong. And that’s what you want. You want that strong feeling before you ever talk to a woman, ideally — or you want her to have such a level of feeling that she’s got to talk to you first.
Physical Safety and Emotional Safety
That sets up what, to me, the roles should be. The man should be all about physical safety — being a safe man, especially physically. And the woman should be the emotional safety leader. That means the woman should take the risk of investing feelings first, because in my experience women deal better with feelings, and men deal better with logic, physicality, and physical safety. So to me, women want a safe man — and I want a woman who’s emotionally safe, who will take the dangerous leaps for us emotionally first, so I don’t have to.
In this case with the woman at yoga, where we both seemed to have a crush on each other, I eventually ended it by telling her I wasn’t going to come see her at the class anymore. She looked really hurt when I said that. What I was really saying is that I felt like I was losing control of myself talking to her, because I felt so much for her — and she was returning it. I’m like, I’m not going to cheat. But then I got divorced last year, and then I’m like, man, maybe I should have had more of an open mind about that, because now I don’t see her anymore.
I basically learned how to do this when I was married. And the sad thing I see today is that this was the energy I used to put out towards my wife. I used to give my wife that every day. But I built up resentments, and I stopped giving that to her, and then our relationship snowballed. If I look back, it was me that pulled that energy back first, that stopped being so grateful and so loving towards her. And then she always felt not good enough when I pulled that energy back. So I learned how to do this accidentally, unconsciously, while I was married.
I remember another day, another class, a different woman — a drop-dead beautiful woman. I put my mat next to her, and all class — this was right before I got separated, to be fair — all class, I lasered in intentionally. And this woman turned and looked at me after class and just gave me this big smile and made deep eye contact with me for like two seconds before saying anything. And I was like, wow. Wow. She just wanted to return that energy I’d been putting out towards her all class.
Be Very Careful Who You Do This With
The way I look at it: if a woman is single and would be desiring sex and would want to find a man, a partner, then you definitely do want to put out that energy — the fantasies, the lust, that should definitely be communicated. But do not do that with a woman who’s married or who would not like for that to be going on. For example, I have a friend, and I’m very careful with her. She’s attractive, she has a boyfriend that I know, and I like this guy. So I’m very careful not to do this with her, because she would receive it. But with single women, this is very attractive for getting their attention — they start looking at you and feeling romantic sparks.
Then I got separated, and one day I was just kind of being sloppy with my energy. I did this exact same strategy with a woman at a yoga studio who was married, and she got uncomfortable and complained about me — even though on the surface, all I did was put my mat next to her. She’d known me for years. And yet she got this story in her head based on how I was feeling, the thoughts I was putting out — me being single, being desperate, being sloppy, and not considering the impact on her. She complained to the yoga studio that she didn’t feel safe with me in class. They knew me, and they’re like, look, you’ve got to stop talking to women. And in this case, I had literally given her a compliment on her sweater that day too.
This is why it’s important: be very careful who you do this with. And if you don’t know the person you’re doing it with, always keep your mouth shut. If you keep your mouth shut, there’s plausible deniability — there’s nothing there. It’s opening your mouth plus doing this that can cause problems. If I had just done that with a woman I didn’t know who was married, generally they just will not respond at all.
And yes, you can be hurt sometimes. I’ve had a lot of times where I’ve put out all that loving energy and gotten no response at all. In those cases, the woman is usually married, or has a boyfriend, or is not interested for whatever reason, or she’s in her head or her heart’s closed. And that’s fine, because then I haven’t risked anything. All I did was try to love somebody and open my heart, and maybe they felt good, but nothing comes of it — which is fine. The goal with this is to communicate the love that I have to offer to the woman who’s interested in receiving it. And once I find that woman, going forward I’ll shut that down anytime it’s not with my woman. But while I’m going around waiting for women to approach me, I have to do this or I won’t get approached. If I go around with cold energy, or I go around like a lot of guys do, nothing’s going to happen.
I really want to remember this going forward: you can’t do this if you’re not honestly feeling it. You’ve got to really feel this deeply from the heart, and then it works. If I’m not feeling it deeply from the heart, I just can’t put it out there. When I am feeling it, energetically it’s like I’m dancing around and shouting.
Only Match the Energy She Gives You
I did this with a woman successfully earlier at yoga too. Again, this woman was like the most beautiful I could possibly imagine — and this goes against all the stuff some of these dating gurus are talking about with how you’ve got to look. Nope. That’s because they don’t know this stuff — all they do is go around in their heads and try to signal and do all this outer stuff. That has a place and a time where it will work. What I’m talking about works fantastically, powerfully, with the right person.
In this case — and this was one of the most beautiful women I’d ever seen out of hundreds at this yoga studio — she actually introduced herself to me first. And then I opened my mouth and said I thought she was the most beautiful woman in the yoga studio. Which was true — I wouldn’t have said that to any other woman. But I never saw her again after that. So the right move for me to make there is this: keep your subconscious communications, your telepathic, heartfelt communications going as a man — and shut that down verbally. You help the woman feel that way, but you do not say it before she has said something like that. If she had said, “My God, you’re so hot — I love when you’re in class,” then I could have said, “Well, I think you’re the most beautiful woman that comes to this studio.” But she had literally just asked my name, and I went way too far forward. The idea is to take the lead as a man emotionally, with heartfelt love, but silently — and then only match, verbally and concretely, the energy she gives coming back.
From here, I am really excited to continue applying this strategy more broadly. I’m shocked that I’ve known how to do this and yet how little I’ve actually used it while I’ve been single over the last seven months — and in fact, how often I’ve done the opposite, where I’ve looked at a woman and mentally criticized her and tried to tear her down, then done something foolish like trying to talk to her after putting those kinds of vibes out, and then wondered, what the hell is this about? If you want to follow more of this journey, I share all of it in my Dating playlist.
And if you’ve appreciated this level of intuition and this level of learning, I’d love to help you face to face. Come talk with me and share your situation — you’ll get an experience that’s the best you’re going to get anywhere, it’s super easy and super low friction, and I’m always available whenever you want me to be there for you and want help.
Meanwhile, I’m maintaining total safety for myself with this approach: look, I’m not going to talk to you if you don’t talk to me. I’m not going to bother you. I’m not going to try to do anything with you unless you desire to do it with me. But I’m leading — putting my desire out there quietly, in my mind and in my heart — and I’m inviting that kind of connection back. And if it doesn’t come back, there’s no need to be hurt, because putting that kind of love out for others helps me.