Today I'm playing The Warriors on PlayStation 2 for the first time. I am also working on a one-hour comedy special for Netflix or HBO — whoever wants to film it — so I'm going to practice some jokes here that I've come up with and been working on. Now, HBO and Netflix may not realize that we're doing this special, but I'm working on it now. I'm getting prepared. So let's go: we've got inspiration, we've got comedy, and we've got The Warriors, first play on PlayStation 2.
Practicing Jokes for HBO and Netflix
I was thinking about this today: why are people stressing out over the environment? I mean, I eat whole-plant vegan, I piss outside so that I don't use as much water flushing a toilet, and yet people are all, "Oh my god, we're killing the environment." I'm like, so what? There's infinite environments. We kill this one, there will be another one. It's just like appetites — you spoil your appetite, you spoil your dinner, so what? There'll be another appetite coming along right afterwards. "Well, that's not funny, Jerry. I don't live in a universe with infinite planets." All right, we're gonna work on that one. Joel, that's the first time I tried that one.
Damn, is there a baseball bat I can pick up? Hell yeah, let me get that. Get off me! Go get this baseball bat. Fuck — get up, get him up, hit him with a bat. Give me the bat. Come on, who wants some of this shit? Oh shit, he picked me right up on my feet. Holy shit.
I Want to Die Having Sex
So that got me thinking. When we're born, that's where we come out of, and I know how I want to die. I want to — damn — I want to die having sex. I was listening to Richard Pryor do his stand-up comedy, and he's like, "My dad died while he was having sex. My dad was having sex, and he was having sex with an 18-year-old girl, and my dad was 57." He's like, he was having sex, he's like, "Ahh," and he died. And then he says, "I saw this bitch too. I saw her. She's like, 'I'm sorry.'" He's like, "Well, I'm sorry that my dad died in your pussy. My dad died in your pussy." It's like some kind of recycling program. It's some kind of recycling program. Oh shit — that's how I want to go, though. I want to die having sex. I hear death is like a big orgasm. Death is the final orgasm, like, "Oh shit, ahh," and I'm dead. Good.
Damn, they don't play around in this mug. This dude — which dude am I supposed to mug? Where was the guy to mug? Oh, over here, okay. All right, let's mug this dude. Only people with money can be mugged. Find vibration and hold. Okay, did I not get any money out of that? Yeah, let me mug this dude — let's try mugging this guy. Find vibration and hold. That shit's not vibrating. Come on, fucker. Oh, there — I got a hundred off him. What are you doing? Fuck, I smashed through that window, dude. Can you imagine how cut up your face would be if you did that for real? That's great. Damn, so I snort some coke and my health goes back up. Too bad it doesn't work that way in real life.
Good Enough to Watch
Nitro Luke, you really helped me too. I was listening to your stream one night, and it was so like divine timing — I just popped into your stream when you were talking to me, and you were talking about the esports industry, and you were saying, why would some esports company want to pick up some streamer when they already got someone just like them on their roster? Like, you gotta stand out and be unique. And I liked what Luke was talking about: you need to be well-rounded too. You don't have to be the best at the game, but you need to be good enough to watch. You don't have to be the best entertainer in the world, but you need to be entertaining enough to watch. That really resonated with me, and that helped me look at what I can do. I looked at that and I'm like, I gotta be unique as a streamer. There's a thousand motherfuckers playing Warzone every day. I gotta do something that's unique, that's special. I gotta be different from other streamers. I kept thinking about that, and shortly after watching that, I took my shirt off and started trying all these other games, and it's worked really well. So I appreciate it — I don't know if you saw that, but you gave me some advice that was really helpful on your stream one night.
Consider the Girl-to-Guy Ratio
I decided to move to Tampa after looking on Match.com. When I used to live in Columbia, South Carolina, I checked out Match.com, and there were 400 women meeting my search criteria. Then I pretended for a minute that I was a woman looking for a man, and there were 700 men meeting the same search criteria. I'm like, this is shitty odds. This means for every single hot girl at the bar, there's gonna be two dudes standing there. For every one hot girl — I'm like, that's not good odds. And I moved to Tampa. I checked out Match.com before I moved: 2,000 girls to 1,000 guys. I'm like, I can't lose in this scenario. We got two lined up for every one. That's a ratio I can work with.
And look, if any of your boys want the best ratio — any of the grandmas in here or parents that got kids thinking about college — tell the boys, if they're straight, to go to Boston University. If they're gay, they might want to go somewhere else where there's more dudes. If you got straight boys, tell them to go to Boston University. My wife said the ratio was like five dateable girls for one dateable straight guy, because a lot of the guys that went to BU were gay. She's like, those guys at BU were the worst — they were such princes because they had all these girls to choose from. I'm like, that's it: after I fucking die, I'm coming back and respawning and going to Boston University. That's where I'm going to college. I'm gonna be able to pick any woman I want. I'm gonna have a different woman every day of the week, and then I'll settle down and meet my wife like senior year or something.
You gotta think like that. If you're horny and want to get laid, then you need to put yourself in a position to succeed. Simple. I'm amazed — like, how did nobody tell me that? Nobody told me that when applying to college. Nobody said to consider the girl-to-guy ratio of the city you're in. Not one person. And that's the only thing somebody really needed to tell me: consider the girl-to-guy ratio. Dude, always in life, put yourself in a position to succeed. Some people go around just bitching and playing the victim. Hey, look — if you're in a position that's not favorable to you, relocate. You don't have to stay stuck where you're at.
Damn, this is hard, trying to pick this lock. Pick that lock. You see it spinning — we got to get the tumblers directly in there. I tell you, this lock picking is not my career. Shit, get in there. Oh, I picked that lock! Let's go. This gives me a little amp.
Maturity is so attractive to me now. I like a grown-ass woman who is not easily disturbed, who is not easily jealous, who's got her own self-confidence. She got her own house, she got her own car, works hard, two jobs — she's a bad broad. That's what I like, and that's my wife.
Jeremy works in a church, and one day I was talking about — we were playing Scarface, and the DEA agent told Scarface that they got his house locked up tighter than a nun's ass, and then I kept saying that they got a towel locked up tighter than a nun's ass. Jeremy said that the people in the church were laughing at that. I'm like, that's beautiful. I'm glad I'm bringing some humility and humor into the church today.
Kevin Hart Put the Work In
I'm glad I finally had the courage to do my comedy on the live streams too, because I was scared for a long time to really get filthy and to talk a bunch of shit on my live stream. I was very comfortable doing the inspiration — very comfortable with the motivation and recovery and life lessons — but I felt really vulnerable and scared to do the comedy. And I'm thinking, you know what, I definitely want to go there. I listened to Kevin Hart's book. Am I the only person who listens to something like a book by Kevin Hart, who's like one of the richest, most highly paid comedians in the world — am I the only person that listens to a book by him and I'm like, I can do that shit, I can do that too? I think most people must listen to books and be like, "Damn, that's crazy. I can never do that." I'm like, fuck, I could do stand-up comedy. It's like the more relatable somebody is, the more you realize if you put the work in, you can do it too. I mean, Kevin Hart's put the work in. He's put the work in to do the stand-up comedy at all kinds of clubs. He's put the work in to do movies. He's had all kinds of messy failures. Yeah, he's put the work in.
I was thinking this year — I know a lot of streamers watch me, and I'm thinking I want to show streamers that you can do variety content, and that you might even be able to succeed more doing variety content than playing the same shit all the time. That was one of the hardest things for me to do as a gaming streamer: to branch out a little bit. I felt a pressure like I need to show people that you can be successful as a variety streamer, that you don't have to just play Call of Duty every day, or whatever your game is — Destiny. In fact, my top 10 live streams this year, none of them are Call of Duty, and all of them went viral after I was live. Like 98 or 96 percent, depending on what day you look at it, almost all my views come from people watching after I'm live. And that's what I'm big on in life: think different.
Come on, let me mug you. Oh yeah, mug that fucker. Wait, I got 100? How did I get 100 already? That's cool. I like rolling with the gang — just walk up, fuck somebody up, and I get the money. Nice. Wait, where's my money? What did I just get up there? Damn, I don't know how to play this game. I got 100 — what did I get 100 of? Where did I get any money off of that? Did that do it? It sucks when you're trying. That reminds me of something my dad said about Detroit.
Lose or Get Robbed
My dad said that in Detroit he'd go downtown and be playing craps, and he'd either lose all his money, or he'd win his money and then somebody would stick him up with a gun in the parking lot and take all of it. I'm like, you know you're a sick fucking gambler when — damn, this dude hit me — you know you got a gambling problem when you know that you're either gonna lose or get robbed if you win, and you still go gamble anyway. That's fucked up.
Dude, the hardest thing about being a gaming streamer is keeping people interested. I mean, think about the things people can watch: movies, stand-up comedy on Netflix, Hulu, HBO Go, all these TV shows. People could go watch porno. Why the fuck is somebody gonna watch your show? Why is somebody gonna watch your show? Your show has got to be special. And the worst thing with streaming is keeping people interested. You got to constantly keep people interested, because people come and go all the time. I'm just gonna keep streaming with the hope that I could help other people use streaming as a way to kind of carry the message — help other people get sober, help other people change their lives. That's why I started streaming, and that's why I keep streaming.
Didn't I mug this dude before? Oh, let's find out. Come on, give me that. Give me them bucks. Damn, nobody's got money around here. Oh, can I rob you? Let me rob you. Is that the guy I just robbed?
Twenty Bucks for Ralph
Where I feel the best is — even if I'm not a gamer, I'm just gonna keep streaming. For example, my friend Ralph, who's homeless: I drop him 20 bucks. He knows where to wait for me too. He waits for me outside the AA meetings — that's where I first got to know him. At first he wouldn't even talk to me or anybody else. He just would kind of stand there and be silent, crouch in a corner. I'm so glad him and I have actually had a lot of good conversations over the years. Giving him 20 really leaves me feeling good. Giving him money leaves me feeling good because I get to see how happy he is. He's so happy when I give him the 20 bucks. That's enough money for him for a couple of days, and then I get to see the joy of that, dude.
I have another friend — he said he was married, and he would stop and pick up these $20 hookers on the road. I'm like, what the fuck, dude? Like, I've been sick before, but that's a little sicker than I've been. He's like, "Yeah, the remorse afterwards was terrible." I'm like, I bet it was. That's some sick shit, to be picking a bitch up on the side of the road and paying $20 for some head. Yeah, I mean, I've certainly thought of it before. It's certainly crossed my mind a lot of times. But I realized I don't want to feel like a disgusting piece of shit.
I Don't Do a Goddamn Thing I Wouldn't Tell Everybody About
I look at it like this: I don't do anything I wouldn't want to tell everybody about. If I wouldn't want to tell everybody about it — anybody — if I wouldn't want to tell the whole country, if I wouldn't want to tell an investigator, if I wouldn't want to tell my wife, my mom, my brother, my kids — I don't do a goddamn thing that I wouldn't want to tell everybody about. Because I've learned keeping secrets, that shit'll keep you sick. I hate having secrets and being afraid of people finding out stuff. I hate that, so I don't do that. But I certainly think about things. I definitely have thoughts cross my mind, and what I think is, "Oh yeah, that's cool. Would you want to tell everybody about that?" I'm like, no, I definitely wouldn't want to tell everybody about that. All right, well, why bother thinking about it then? That's how I stopped thinking about stuff when it crossed my mind. I'm like, would you want to tell everybody you did that? Nope. All right, well, I'm not going to think about something I wouldn't want to tell everybody I did.
You Can Be Presidential in Your Heart
If you're a streamer, you definitely want to watch the veterans who will open up and have a real conversation with you and be real with you and not sugarcoat it — not be like, "Oh yeah, anyone can make it as a live streamer." That's bullshit. I don't tell my kids they can grow up and be whatever they want to. I tell them, look, you can do whatever you want to with yourself. You can master thyself, and you can try and help other people. But you can be presidential in your heart, and you are not going to be the President of the United States unless other people decide to make you the President of the United States. You are not going to be a successful live streamer unless your viewers decide that your show makes a huge difference in their life. If your show doesn't — I mean, sure, some people throw a little bit of money at you — but over the long term, you're not going to be successful as a live streamer just because you want to. Your show really needs to do something special for people.
We're gonna put this cop down. There's a lot of ways to help people. Oh yeah, beat that cop while he's down.
I think my wife's boss helped plant the seed in my idea about being sober. I remember at the time listening to my wife talk about her boss, how he'd get mad and go to AA and stuff, and I thought, what a fucking loser. This guy is sober and he's still an asshole. That's how I thought of it. And yet he planted a seed in my mind, because I knew that here's this guy who used to be a real hardcore drinker and had some serious problems in his life over it, and now he's sober. Even though all I did was talk shit about him, the idea was still there.
Killed by My Own Gang
Damn, I just got knocked the fuck out. GGs, dude. GGs. Oh, I was gonna mug this guy — let me mug his — damn. Who can I mug? No, he won't let me mug him. I'm trying to mug people. Don't put that fucking tooltip in my face again.
I love hearing that you all are laughing watching my streams too — there's a whole lot more of that on my Games playlist. And if you don't feel that way, I'm sure there's people who think Bill Burr's not funny, that think Eddie Murphy's not funny, that think Richard Pryor's not funny, that think Kevin Hart's not funny.
This is my homie, isn't it? It's my own — this is my gang. Wait, this is my own gang member? Damn it, this is my friend and I'm fighting him. My friend just killed me. Fuck.