Filter Men for Depth With Hinge Voice Memos
Women, if you're dating online, especially on Hinge, one of the best things you can do is use voice memos to filter men for depth. I've talked to so many women in person who've dated online — both women I've gone out with and women who are just friends — and my question all the time is: how did you go out with this loser? This guy who was already married, or this guy who just wanted to get laid — how did that happen when you had so many options? It can be frustrating as a man sometimes, talking to my women friends. You have so many options on dating apps. Why are you not filtering out the guys who are losers from the winners? To me, the main thing you need to do is filter for depth, and Hinge voice memos make it pretty easy. What you can do is send a man a voice memo of thirty seconds or more asking a specific question, and see if he responds in kind.
It's tricky for women, because a lot of times you have this idea that a man is worthwhile — that you're getting a good deal on him — if he's kind of avoidant, not that interested, not overly enthusiastic, not desperate. The problem with that is you then tend to go out with a lot of guys who are jerks, who generally are not going to care about you, are not going to actually pay attention to you, and are not going to treat you very well. At the same time, when you get guys who are really excited to give you attention, you interpret that as them being losers — as in, they must not be very high value if they're giving me all this depth. I'll do a separate video for guys, because often men will either be kind of avoidant and shallow or give way too much depth immediately. If I were a woman using dating apps, I would try to draw guys into depth: see which men are actually going to put a little time into me, and which men are going to provide answers that go beyond the surface.
Voice memos help someone hear your voice. I love getting voice memos from women who ask me things about my life, who want to have a conversation with me. It's an easy way to start feeling what a conversation would be like with somebody else. What you don't want to do is trade a few flirty, superficial messages with a man, then meet up in real life expecting to say, hey, I want to have a conversation with you — and instead he's trying to kiss you or trying to get laid immediately. There are so many guys on dating apps who are quality men, but a lot of times, as a woman, it can be hard to find them. You need to be able to sort through guys quickly and easily, and one of the easiest ways to do it is to send a man a voice memo, because the guys who are truly not going to be worth going out with won't put the time into responding to it.
The Guys Women Are Drawn To Often Cancel
I dated a woman for a little while — absolutely beautiful. It didn't work out with her, but she had some guy cancel on her last minute after she'd blocked a time off. I'd love to see that guy's profile, but I guarantee you she could have screened him better. She spent weeks messaging him, and then he canceled on her at the last minute. I know that's disappointing, but that guy probably had several other dates lined up, or he already had a girlfriend or something. Unfortunately, those are often the men women are instinctively attracted to. The way to compensate for that is to make those men — the men who do have a lot of options — go deeper. Test them. If they won't go deeper, if they won't send you some voice memos back, if they don't respond in kind, if they get impatient, if they're being overly sexual or anything like that, they're not worth your time.
It's tricky, because when you find a man who's paying you a lot of attention, it'll often turn you off. Ironically, I've come to believe those are some of the best men you could actually build a relationship with. You want to figure out which man is really going to love you, appreciate you, and show up, versus which guy is just trying to increase his body count. For example, if you look at a man's profile and you want to know something about him, you can send a voice memo sharing a little bit about yourself and asking a question about his profile. If he sends back some short little reply or gets impatient, then you know this is not a guy who's going to be worth going out with. Ideally, if you're going to have decent chemistry going out with somebody, you should be able to exchange a number of voice memos with each other, build the energy, flirt, and make the guy put in the work. There are so many guys on these dating apps, and the ones who don't put in work, who aren't willing to talk with you and get to know you a little bit — in my opinion, they're losers. Even if they're going out with a bunch of women, they're not going to be worth going out with.
An Hour of Voice Memos Beats a Wasted Drive
If I really like a woman, I'll be happy to exchange voice memos back and forth. There was one woman where we must have sent each other almost an hour's worth of audio each in voice memos. I was so glad I didn't meet up with her, because over the course of that hour of voice memos she had gotten really toxic and started criticizing my life, so I unmatched her. That was so much more efficient than driving an hour to go meet her, figuring that out in person, and trying to perform.
I think voice memos are a great way to get beyond the surface with somebody, because texting is super easy. I struggle with texting a bit because I think in very deep and complex ways, and I like to share at that level — I'm going to do a video for men on this, because it especially applies to me. I'm ready to go deep and get complex, and to me, that's the kind of guy you want: a guy who's willing to get deep emotionally and conversationally with you, because that's what makes a relationship that's going to last. If there's a guy who just can't stand to send voice memos or have any depth, then you're not going to have good chemistry in person either. It doesn't matter if there's physical chemistry when there's no conversation.
I'm so glad I've learned to use voice memos. I'm surprised that women will take all this time to arrange a date instead. I messaged a woman earlier today, and there's been all this back and forth about when we're going to go out — we were supposed to play tennis, but it rained, so now we're trying to reschedule. It's like she doesn't even know whether I'm really worth talking to or not. At this point, she doesn't know whether I'm worth all this time. If I were a woman, as soon as I matched with a guy, I'd be sending a voice memo. As a woman, you have options on dating apps — the odds are in your favor — and you want to immediately escalate things beyond the surface.
You Can't Tell Who Is Really Behind the Texts
I have a hard time even doing text. I literally just talk to ChatGPT and it tells me what to say. When you're talking with a guy via text message on an app, you don't know whether he's just talking to AI, feeding it your messages and having the AI say whatever you want to hear — anything to get you to meet up in person. He could be texting twenty other women and putting the minimal effort into every single one, and you can't tell whether you're different from all those other women. Then you're very vulnerable to being canceled on, because unfortunately, a lot of women will all be texting the same few guys on dating apps.
I've been getting a lot of matches lately now that I've got my profile set up really well, and I don't want to waste my time going back and forth with women either. The odds are with the women — the women have all the choices, with so many more men than women on dating apps. It's not in my best interest to escalate things too quickly, because of how women work: it often turns a woman off if I escalate with too much depth too fast. So I try to escalate things gently too. If a woman sends me a nice message, I'll send a thirty-second voice memo and see how she responds to that.
Hear the Emotion in His Voice
Voice memos also communicate a lot more emotion, which matters especially for women. These are generalizations — this can apply gay or straight, some guys operate this way, and some women operate more like men. Speaking in generalizations makes this easier to explain, but I also realize the complexity. With women, you really need to start hearing some emotion. If you do voice memos back and forth with a man, you'll start to hear his voice — whether his voice is a turn-on or not — and you'll start to hear a lot more emotion, or lack of emotion, in him. That will help you much better distinguish whether this guy is a winner or a loser, at least as far as being compatible with you.
For me, I'd prefer to disqualify someone off of voice memos so that we don't waste our time, rather than meet up in person and find out, oh man, I wasted my time. I've driven an hour to meet women before, and I guarantee you that if we'd exchanged a few voice memos first, I wouldn't have met up with her — or she might not have met up with me. On top of that, voice memos can help build some depth, because what you don't want to do is meet up with somebody you hardly know and then have awkward conversation. To me, voice memos escalate perfectly into having a phone call, the phone call escalates to FaceTime, and FaceTime escalates to meeting in person. I've had some dates with women where we'd barely talked at all, because my philosophy had been to get off the dating apps as quickly as possible. The problem with that is you meet up in person and there's no romantic spark. Sometimes people are ready to move quick off a dating app, but I'm not ready to just kiss some woman when we barely even know each other yet, and people can get their feelings hurt that way.
Depth Is How I Met My Ex
To me, depth is the ideal. When my ex and I met fifteen and a half years ago on Match, we exchanged really deep emails. There wasn't so much texting back then, but we sent each other emails that were probably 1,000 to 2,000 words each — just three long emails apiece. I matched with her and sent her a wink, she sent back a wink, and so I sent a long, deep email as my first message. Just off of three long emails each, we met up in person. I'd encourage women: don't be afraid of a guy who offers some depth. I just matched with two women who liked me first, and I sent them — maybe it was too much — three-to-four-minute voice memos.
Depth Is Not Desperation
Sometimes women just get overwhelmed and feel pressured by depth, and interpret depth as meaning a guy is desperate, he's a loser, he's not a high-value man, or he wouldn't have this much time for me otherwise. Women, what you really need to look for is depth, because what you tell me in person is that you're frustrated with shallow guys. If you don't want shallow guys, you need to look for depth. Voice memos are the easiest, most immediate way to fish for depth, and having a conversation on the phone is another great way.
Ask the Direct Questions Before You Meet
If I were a woman, I'd ask guys very direct questions, especially once you get them on the phone or FaceTime — things like, "I'm just checking, but you're not married or in a relationship, are you?" You'd be amazed how many women I've talked to who go out with a guy and then find out after nine dates that he's married. Unfortunately, on dating apps you can't assume that somebody isn't married, or that he doesn't already have a girlfriend and is on the dating app looking for a side piece. Even if his profile says monogamy, this is why you want to get at depth. Women are often good at being subtle — you can go at these things sideways and probe around — but get to know somebody before you meet up with them in person, because a lot of things can happen when you meet someone face to face. Especially as a woman, you want to filter out as many guys as possible before you commit your time and energy to meeting a guy in person.
Don't be afraid of depth. Depth is a sign that there might be something there beyond the shallow. If a guy offers some depth, maybe that's a good sign — not that he's a desperate loser, but that he's a decent man who isn't texting fifty other women, and who doesn't have a wife and a girlfriend while he's also out on dating apps.
Join the Family
If you'd like to keep this conversation going with me, join the family. Instead of me just talking at you, you can pop in and have a two-way relationship with me — come in, ask me your questions, and drop in on the community. I hope to see you in the Jerry Banfield Family soon.
I think about this a lot because I'm in the middle of dating right now. I've had a successful fifteen-year relationship and kids, so I know how to turn an online date into a long-term, mostly happy relationship — and now I'm back in the middle of the dating game myself.
If you want a one-on-one call to talk with me, I'm here for you — you can schedule a call, and I'm happy to talk much more about your dating strategy.
I'm just trying to help everybody have an easier time with dating apps and with getting together with somebody. For more of what I'm learning along the way, you can watch my Dating playlist.