Emotionally Hungover After The Queen Went Cold
It's the Jerry Banfield Show, my real life vlog, and it's July 30th, 2026 as I'm filming this. I appreciate all of you who watched the video I posted yesterday, which was actually filmed Sunday, called The Queen Has Gone Cold. Y'all liked that one, and that story is now wrapped up. If you're wondering why you should read this, I'm sharing my real, raw, authentic life. I'm learning some really valuable things about dating and about myself, and you'll love that. This is the realest, rawest content I've got. And fair warning: I'm not reading free comments anymore.
The last 24 hours have been about valuing my own attention. I've been feeling a little emotionally hungover, because The Queen did send me a message yesterday that I didn't respond to. She said, thanks for sending me the voice memo. I can tell how much you care, and I appreciate that. Every relationship takes work. I think what I've been trying to communicate is where I'm at emotionally and romantically. I'm not sure it's there for me the same way it's there for you. You deserve that, and someone who's as excited about you as you are about them. I don't want to hurt you, but I have to be honest.
I didn't reply to that. And around the same time, I started listening to Andrew Tate's course that my friend sent me yesterday, which to me is like a PhD course on this stuff.
Never Again Am I Investing Emotionally Before Sex
Here's what I've realized in the last 24 hours especially, though I was into this before: I got all excited and into this girl, I invested emotionally, and never again am I going to invest emotionally in a woman until we have sex. That was really stupid on my part, to invest all that emotion when I didn't get what I wanted. Can we just stop trying to say what people want to hear? I want sex. And if I'm not getting that, I'm not investing emotionally. I'm not putting my heart out there. I'm not feeling anything. You want me to care about you? Then have sex with me, and then I'll see whether I'm going to invest my emotion at that point.
That might sound harsh, but I'll tell you what I did to get an amazing, beautiful woman with whom I had a really nice fifteen year relationship: I had that mindset. What's crazy is that when I was in my twenties, when I was 26 years old, I had this stuff down. Listening to Andrew Tate's course now, I can see I was already living this at 26. When my ex and I first went out — a beautiful woman — I did not invest emotionally in her until we had sex. My attitude was, she's cool, but until we have sex, that's it. I was going out with other girls, hooking up with my ex, messaging other women on dating apps, trying to pick girls up in person. Until we had sex, I was not investing emotionally, no matter how beautiful she was. And I didn't pay that much attention to her between dates, either.
What hurts my feelings about The Queen is that I played the dating game horribly. I did everything wrong. And what's funny is I thought I was being authentic and heartfelt and trying to make a beautiful connection, trying to give her something. No — in my experience, she doesn't want that. She doesn't want a man who shows up and really loves her and is all excited about her with an open heart. She wants a guy she feels like she has to earn. The way I feel bad is that I played the game horribly. I should have given her way less attention. I shouldn't have invested anything emotionally. I should have moved forward faster — tried to kiss her by the second or third date at most — and if she wasn't interested, pulled my attention back completely. That's what I did in my twenties. If I tried to kiss a girl and she didn't want it, I pulled back. I was out. Attention is valuable.
Attention Is the Main Currency I Have
Andrew Tate's course is so right about this, in my view: my attention is the main currency I have to offer. It's the main currency all of us have to offer. And I agree with what he says about women wanting attention. Now, these are generalizations — this is just my experience — but the way I see it, women want attention and men want sex. You give me sex, I give you attention. That's a fair exchange. It's like that Tupac song: you do me, and if it's worth it, baby, I'll return the favor.
I've been feeling so grateful, because I have learned so much, and my game going forward is different. This woman said she wanted somebody authentic, somebody who would really love her, family and all that. But from where I sit, that's not what she wanted. Because if I look at who she chose to deal with before me, she chose guys that didn't care about her at all, that treated her badly, and she kept seeing them anyway. And when I show up prepared to love her and respect her, she doesn't want that. So I know how to play the game — I knew how to play it in my twenties — and I was hoping we could date differently, but no. In my experience you've got to be an alpha, dominant male, and I know how to do that.
Running It Back With a Woman in Her Early Twenties
It's funny — with that mindset, I messaged a woman in her early twenties that I'd been out with a few times. After she came over and didn't want to escalate things physically, I stopped responding to her. You see how that works? I was doing it intuitively. I figured, she's not going to have sex with me, I don't need to talk to her. Then she reached out. A week or two ago I had sent her a message saying, hey, I'm dating someone, we don't need to talk. So on Tuesday I messaged her: hey, I'm out of that relationship, how are you doing? She messaged me back yesterday, 24 hours later, saying she was out of her relationship too. And I didn't even worry about the wait — I hardly thought about it. This is how it should be.
This time — as soon as I started listening to Tate's course, it's like I remembered the stuff I already learned in my twenties that somehow, being married and with my ex for fifteen years, I forgot. I didn't waste any time. I responded eight minutes later: you can come over tomorrow, or this weekend sometime. I invited her straight over to the house. I'm not trying to waste time — she's already been over the house, so come over the house. She said, all right, how about Friday? I said, I've got tennis Friday. She said she had other stuff she was doing. We exchanged texts for about an hour, and it ended up as: come over to my house in the morning, and I'm going to take you out and we're going to go do some stuff. The idea is we hang out, I warm her up, and then maybe things escalate after that. And if they don't — either way, no matter what happens with her, I'm not going to reach out to her first. Man, I had this stuff down in my twenties, and I just blew it with The Queen, sitting there texting her every morning.
Magic Versus Transactional Game
What's annoying is this: I do believe there is definitely some magic in dating, but there is also transactional game. To me the ideal is to be able to hold both — there is magic, and there's transactional game. And if the transactional game isn't there, unfortunately, the magic is going to have a hard time developing too. So we've got to play transactional game. I tried heartfelt dating, and for me that doesn't work. It doesn't work at all. I've been trying to do heartfelt dating without game and it has gone absolutely nowhere. I haven't gotten laid since November, and I've had a hard time even being honest that I'm tired of not getting laid. I want to get laid. And if a woman's not going to have sex with me, or we're not escalating toward having sex, I'm not going to pay attention to her.
I'm tired of trying to come out here and act like a nice guy, because I'm out here saying I'm authentic, but then I'm telling The Queen I'm going to take it slow. I don't want to take it slow. If you're not going to escalate to having sex with me within a few dates — first, second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth date — and you're not moving toward that, I'm not interested, because there are other women who would. You can let some other guy deal with that. I don't want to deal with that.
Here's what's funny, though. As soon as I set this date up with this woman, I felt excited for a little bit, and then I just felt down. I thought, I don't think I'm that interested in her. But here's the thing — that's how I should feel. I've not had sex with this woman. I shouldn't be that interested in her. I don't care that much whether she cancels the date or shows up, and I'm not going to text her today. And what's funny is — and this is just my experience, not a universal rule — it seems like this is what a lot of women want. It's on her now. This woman in her early twenties is trying to get my attention and trying to get me to like her, while I'm thinking, she's all right. I did this instinctively back in the day. Listening to Andrew Tate's course, I was remembering the first time I had sex with my ex — we had sex five times in four hours. And I didn't text her the next day. That was some of the best sex with one of the hottest women I'd ever been with, and I did not reach out to her first. She reached out to me after about 24 hours with a message. Man, I had the game down in my twenties. What have I been doing?
When You Feel Too Smart, You Don't Learn
It was the same thing with the last woman I had sex with — she reached out to me right away. As soon as she got back home, she was texting me all day. I was reflecting this morning on what I wanted to tell y'all, and here it is: I've been feeling so smart about dating because of my results. I landed, in my twenties, a fifteen year relationship with a beautiful woman. And what happens when you feel too smart? You don't learn. I've been feeling so stupid this week. I'm like, bro, what are you doing? You know the game — how to get the most beautiful women to want to have sex with you, and then how to build a beautiful life. So what are you doing out here acting like the game doesn't exist and you don't know how to play it?
What's funny is that when you go around thinking you're so smart, you start trying to make everybody else the dumb one instead of looking at yourself. I was even thinking I should message The Queen back and explain to her how the way she feels about me is, in my view, pure biological programming — that if I had played the game differently, she'd have thought totally differently about me. The way she feels is based on actions I took that were a choice, a game. I tried playing the authentic dating game with her and it went horribly, and I will never do that again. From here on out, all you're getting is the alpha, dominant male, the same way I was in my twenties. I don't invest in caring about you at all unless we have sex. And if we have sex, then I'll see if I care about you after. And if you don't reach out to me and care about me, then I'm not in it — I'm not investing emotionally then either.
That worked so well for me in my twenties. But what's funny is I get so many more dates now. In my twenties I had a hard time attracting women and getting dates. I don't know if there's data to support this, but it felt like every woman had a boyfriend back then — I swear, like 80 or 90 percent of the women I talked to in their twenties had boyfriends. Now it's like I run into single women all over the place. It's crazy. It seems like I've never gotten this many dates so easily — but then I've not run the game on my dates. If I'd been in my twenties with these opportunities, I'd have slept with at least five, maybe ten women this year already, just on the game, once I got the dates. If I put together my 42 year old game — and women like older men too, so I can date a woman all the way down to her early twenties and everything in between. And I'm not dating older women anymore, either. Sorry, ladies. Actually, I would date a woman maybe two or three years older, if she definitely wanted kids.
Where I Actually Lost the Game With The Queen
What's crazy now is that as horrible as I felt last week, it completely makes sense — and that feels really good, because I admitted: damn, I'm dumb, dude. I'm so dumb. Everything that happened over the last week with The Queen was just me being dumb. As soon as she didn't want to hang out with me Monday night and said she was going to stay in — boom, I should have cut all my attention off right away. The moment I text her saying, hey, let's hang out tonight, and she says, I'm going to stay in — literally staying in by herself instead of hanging out with me — attention cut off. You're not cooperating. And probably what would have happened is she'd have been blowing me up Tuesday or Wednesday saying, come on, let's hang out before I leave. But instead I acted cool with it. I allowed her to treat me like crap, and then she continued to treat me like crap, and I kept giving her attention in exchange for being treated like crap. So crazy. It's funny to see how different my videos from two weeks ago are compared to now.
A Google Ads Tennis Experiment
Also, I did a funny experiment on Google Ads. I set up an ad for a tennis partner. Google doesn't allow you to directly advertise dating, but I'm just having fun experimenting with this. I think it would be funny if somebody met up with me to play singles tennis off a YouTube ad — I just want to see if these ads work. I tested the first one with no targeting to see if it would go through, and it did. Then I tested the next one, set so the ad will only show to women who like tennis. It doesn't say anything about dating — it's just, hey, you want to meet up and play singles tennis with me, with my phone number. Let's see if a woman texts me. I just have to see if this works. It's funny and I'm having fun.
Time to Stop Acting Like a Nice Guy
I hung out with the kids yesterday — had the kids dropped off here. And my sponsee says he wants me to pick him up from the airport, so I guess I was supposed to pick somebody up from the airport this week after all. I felt a little sad that I was not picking a queen up from the airport. At the same time, I felt like texting her: don't worry about it, I've got a woman in her early twenties coming over Friday, we've already been on as many dates as you and I went on. I need to be getting as many other women in my life as I can — as much attention from women as I can get, as much sex as I can get. Let's stop acting like I'm really different from how I was when I was 26. Let's quit acting like a nice guy. I know what I want, and if you don't do what I want, I'm not interested in putting up with your crap. It's time to stop being nice.
I don't know exactly why I started trying to be so nice. I think when I got sober, I thought I needed to change some things in my personality — and I did need to change some stuff. But in my experience, that doesn't work with dating. I've got to be the dominant, alpha version of me that I know how to be. When I was a police officer, I had that. I was picking up women all the time and I wasn't wasting time with anybody. You said you wanted to go slow? I didn't call you back. That's how I was, and that's how I should be rolling.
Suffering Builds Character
I'm really proud of this: if you look at those crying videos and vlogs from about a week ago, look at how much character growth has happened since. I hope what's inspiring about this is that if you see what I just went through, then next time you're suffering, I want you to think about how much character you're building right now.
Probably the most beautiful woman I've ever had sex with was the dispatcher — an absolute perfect ten. I can't imagine how a woman could look better than she did. And I ran perfect game on her. My game was so good. And it's funny — after I had sex with her, I didn't even like her that much afterwards. And then it was so painful. I had so much pain in the unwinding of that situation that I ended up quitting my job over it. I was the third guy to quit that job over her. I went through miserable pain, but I learned and I evolved, and my game got to the point where, when my now ex-wife came along, my game was on point with her. I ran the game perfectly with her. And that was because of all the suffering and all the feeling dumb and wondering and learning.
So in your life, when you're suffering, I've come to believe this is an opportunity to build your character, to learn, and to change — because we are not fixed robots that just operate the same way forever. If what you're doing is not working, then change what you're doing. Change your thoughts, change your beliefs, change your approach.
What Women Say Versus What They Respond To
I love women. I respect women so much. And because I love and respect women, I try to understand how — not all women, but it certainly seems like the majority, or at least lots of women in my experience — operate. Lots of women want a man who is very masculine and dominant, who is not going to be easily won over by them. And the more easily I'm won over by a woman, unfortunately, the less worthy she tends to judge me. I wish it wasn't like that. And maybe with some women it's not like that.
I just heard a beautiful story from my friend that both emphasizes this and gives a different perspective. I talked to my friend yesterday. One of the women I had hit on unsuccessfully — and I felt a lot of pain after hitting on her and being rejected — he was living with her for a few months. And he was resisting and not that interested in her. They lived together and they didn't kiss, they didn't have sex, even though I think she's really attractive. He lived with this woman for months, and he finally kicked her out of his house because he got tired of all her drama. Then they met up once and it didn't go well, and then it had been a month or two since he'd even seen her. And suddenly he wakes up having had these dreams about her. He woke up crying, and he realized, this is the one for me. He reached out to her, and now things are going crazy — now they've finally gotten to doing what they weren't doing when they lived together. That's such a beautiful story.
And at the same time, I keep thinking maybe The Queen will realize that, yeah, I might have been off my game when I was with her, but I'm a fantastic quality man. She told me she didn't want to play any games — but she didn't mean that. She told me she didn't like games, but to me, I dated her heartfelt. I opened my heart. I jumped right in as me. That's not playing games. And I'll tell you what: I'm not dating again without playing games. She said she wanted to take it slow, but obviously she didn't. And she said she didn't want to play games, but obviously she didn't appreciate me not playing them.
People Often Say the Opposite of What They Want
Sometimes people will literally tell you the opposite of what they want — and men are horrible about this too. I have a friend who told me, yeah, these guys would tell me they're single and they're literally married. Men and women often are not honest with each other, and it's hard because sometimes we're not honest with ourselves. I've finally gotten honest: I just want to get laid. And if I'm not getting laid, I'm going to try to do the minimum in order to get laid, and I'm definitely going to invest the absolute emotional minimum. I also need to be more direct with women. Andrew Tate's course was talking about this this morning: approach a woman and just start off talking about her appearance, because that's honest — you wouldn't be talking to her if you weren't attracted to her. So start off honest and say, hey, I think you're beautiful. And if she doesn't like that, at least you were honest about why you were talking to her.
I woke up to the kids this morning a little irritable, because I had that Kesha "hungover" song stuck in my head and I was thinking about missing The Queen. But then I realized: you're not actually missing her. You're missing the role. You're missing the stories. Yes, I did enjoy the time we had together, and I would love to have more time with her. And at the same time, there are a ton of other women who could fill that same space just as well as she could, and I'm open to them as well. I'm going to try to feel some excitement about that.
Tomorrow's Date and Why I'm Not Publishing This Right Away
It's so funny — I've got a girl in her early twenties coming over to my house tomorrow morning, and I feel very little excitement about it. And what's ironic is that I'll probably get laid. This vlog will not be going out until a week after all of this has already happened, so nobody can front-run my plans from now on. By the time you read this, it will have already gone down. And if you want to ask about it without waiting a week, join the Jerry Banfield Family and you can ask me in advance: hey, how did that go down? I can't wait a week.
The funny part is I'll probably be in a perfect position to run game, because she'll show up and see that I'm happy to see her — but that she's going to have to sell me on her. And she probably will try to sell me on her. There's a good chance I'll get laid. And then I'm going to follow what I already knew: I'll let her follow up with me, to see if she's a quality woman.
What I Asked Gemini About Age and Attractiveness
I did something a little dumb yesterday: I went into Gemini and asked which situation would be seen as higher status — a woman around 37 who is really attractive, or a woman around 23 who is less attractive than the 37 year old. And yes, I probably shouldn't have said exact ages here, so take those as approximate. The answer was that in terms of status, people prioritize attractiveness almost completely and don't really care much about age. But for me personally, the woman in her early twenties might be a much better match, because I want to have multiple kids. A woman in her early twenties is in a really good position to start having kids — she could easily have five more kids by the time she's 30. With a woman in her late thirties, it's going to be harder, there's going to be more tension and stress, and she might want in vitro, which I absolutely don't want. So realistically, in my thinking, a woman in her early twenties is probably a much better match for me in a lot of ways, with a lot better potential for a long-term relationship.
And look, as long as I'm attracted, that's enough. My friend was saying he didn't want to be with the woman in his story because he thought he could get more attractive women, and she wasn't his usual type. I told him: man, as long as you find her attractive, you don't need to be with the absolute hottest woman. Like that dispatcher I had sex with — she was as beautiful as a woman could be, but I didn't enjoy how I felt when I was with her. She thrived off negative energy. She thrived off talking trash and being down. I had a CD in the car with a whole bunch of upbeat, feel-good songs, and she didn't respond to any of those. Then I put on a bunch of down songs, and she was all into those. And I just felt how bad she felt, because I didn't realize how empathic I was. When I was with her, I just felt bad — she felt bad all the time. I want a woman I feel really good being with.
I'd Rather Be Adored Than Be the One Obsessed
If I had to choose, do I want a woman who really worships me, who is obsessed with me and really wants to be with me — or do I want to be the one who is with a woman I'm obsessed with? I think that choice is what happened with my ex. At first, I had such game and such high confidence that when I was with her, I felt like, yeah, this is what I deserve. But then I got sober, and I took the edge off some of my personality. I leaned into being a little kinder, a little sweeter. And then all of a sudden I ended up in a position where she was dominating me, where she had the power in the relationship. She was telling me whether we were going to have more kids or not. She was telling me what to do. She was deciding how we parented. And I hated that.
It could be worth having a woman who is a little less attractive — but still someone I'm very attracted to — who is willing to follow me, to do what I want, to be there for me, to build the life I want, and to take direction. Like this woman coming over to my house tomorrow. There are a few things I'd say: look, if you want to be with me, you need to clean up your eating. I'm tired of hearing all this talk about microplastics and dirty seawater while you're over here eating nasty processed food that puts weight on. You're going to switch to a plant-based diet — that's what I believe in and live myself — drop the extra weight, and we're not having ultra-processed foods in the house. I want a relationship where I lead: this is my house, this is my life, I give the structure, and then she can feel her feelings and have her full experience as a woman, and I will hold the container for that. Not a house where I'm desperate and begging my woman for sex all the time and feeling like I couldn't get another woman who's attractive.
My friends used to say, well, your woman is so hot, you can't divorce her. Really? That's it? Y'all didn't listen to everything else I said. All you care about is that my now ex-wife is really hot, so nothing else matters — the whole dynamic of the relationship being screwed up doesn't matter, because she's hot I just have to stay? No. In my opinion, a lot of people are prioritizing attractiveness way too much, and I'm disgusted to see how much I prioritized it myself. Logically, a woman almost two decades younger than me who wants to have kids and seems really interested in me should be much better in my mind than a woman within a handful of years of my age who is uncooperative with me, wants to do everything her way, and where I end up simping and losing my position as — I was going to say power, but really, losing my position of being a man.
If You're Suffering, You Should Be Changing
So I'm going to see if I can enjoy this date tomorrow. I'll probably do the vlog before it. And wow, I can really just talk for a long time. I hope this is useful for you, because these are real, raw, authentic things I'm sharing, and everything I've said is intended to be very respectful to both men and women — to help you hear what I'm learning. If you're frustrated, learn better. Adjust your approach. If you're suffering, you should be changing. The downside of not suffering is that there's no motivation to change. When I'm doing everything right, I'm not changing anything. When I suffer, I think, all right, let me rethink things. This last round of suffering in dating has me saying: let me get back to what worked.
And if you want to talk to me, get in the Jerry Banfield Family. Don't sit in the comments wondering whether I'll read it — I'm not reading free comments, because if you're not paying me, I don't need to hear what you have to say. Can we just be real like that? Join me, get in there, and talk to me for real, and I'll support you. I'll listen to you. You could make a vlog like this one, share it in the Family, and I'll watch it, because I love watching videos from members. Then I can share my thoughts on your situation. Imagine that: you give me your twenty minute vlog and ask what I think, and that's a fair exchange.
I'll let you know how all of this goes as the story keeps unfolding, and if you want to follow the whole saga from the beginning, it's all in my Dating playlist. Get back to what works — that's my plan, and I hope hearing it helps you find yours.