I did a video before saying men were giving up on women too easily, and boy, was I wrong. I got a very painful lesson in exactly what I'm about to show you here. The lesson is that as men, we need to really value our time and attention. As soon as a woman starts making it clear she wants to pull away, or starts saying things like "I'm busy," it's time to withdraw and hope she comes back — or move on. Either way, I'm going to give you an example of how exactly I did this wrong and what I should have done instead.
The Woman I Met at Yoga
I met a woman at yoga that I just fell head over heels — or ass over tea kettle — for. A beautiful woman, and I had so many things in common with her: our lifestyles, our values, even our jobs were very well aligned. I don't know if I'd ever met somebody before where, for my logical brain, everything was in the right position. She's a few years younger than me and wants a family. She was okay with me being divorced and already having kids. We're both content creators. We both play tennis. We're both in great shape. We both love hot yoga. We're both obsessed with health. And I'm thinking, girl, awesome — this must be my next wife.
That first week, she kept coming closer and closer to me. She was giving me all kinds of time and attention. When she decided to go to work so she could make several hundred dollars, she made sure to immediately say she was so sorry and that she really wanted to reschedule — right away. And she made sure to see me later that same day, as soon as she got off of work.
One Week from Perfect to Pulling Away
Here's the timeline. I met her on Monday. She was very close — texting, flirting, sending sweet stuff — Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. At one point she said, "Oh man, I need to work. Can you please reschedule? Let's do it a couple of hours later. I'm so sorry." Sure, no problem. We had a great walk together, held hands, and had a fantastic conversation. Friday, she had a double shift at work and was understandably busy, but she still made time to text me. Saturday, she saw me first thing in the morning, very excited to see me. It was a really nice date — a great time together, laughing, crying together, and exercising — and she was texting me after the date. Then Sunday she spent six hours with me, and we had a fantastic time there again. We cried together, and we were all over each other physically.
And then Monday, she decided to start pulling away. Monday she texted me a bit, but she was too busy to see me. And instead of respecting my own time — and understanding that from my point of view it looked like she was playing games, because I show up very consistently — I kept chasing.
That said, I have withdrawn and given my mother space at least a few times in my life, where I didn't talk to her for a few months. But other than that, I am consistently there for my mother every day, and I don't plan on withdrawing like that again. What feels natural for me is to show up for someone every day. To text a woman first thing in the morning: "Hey, how are you? Thinking of you. Hope you have a great day." That feels natural. What doesn't feel natural for me is to really like someone and then pull away from them and question everything. That feels very weird to me. And that's what this woman started doing.
On Monday, a week after we'd met, now she's too busy. She wants to work on her work. She wants to do it herself instead of letting me help — whereas she'd let me help the day before, and we had so much fun doing it. From my point of view, it was just insane. I'm thinking, why do you want to do that? That makes no sense. We're having so much fun. Why would you want to spend the night sitting in your apartment by yourself instead of hanging out with me? Makes no sense. She told me, "I really don't do well under pressure." And this is where the lesson I had to learn the painful way begins.
Where I Should Have Stopped
What I should have done is immediately pulled back. As soon as she decided she wanted to sit in her apartment all night by herself instead of seeing me — when we live a fifteen-minute walk from each other — I should have stopped right there. As soon as she sent me that text message that said, "I'm going to spend the night by myself," smiley face, I should not have responded to it. I should have said to myself, I'm going to pull back as hard as I can right now, and I'm going to wait at this point until she comes to me.
But instead: "Oh, okay, that's fine. Maybe tomorrow." Then the next day she said, first thing in the morning, that she could see me. She was happy I'd given her space. But then she got all in her head and canceled the date because she needed to walk with God again instead. And instead of stopping right there — which is exactly what I'm doing the next time a woman does that — I kept going. Next time, I'm stopping immediately. I'm gone unless she comes back to me. I'm assuming it's over unless she comes back to me, because I'm just going to go out with other women who are paying attention to me.
I have two dates with two women that I just set up yesterday, right now. For me, I just need to date multiple women. I like lots of attention from lots of women. And the way I can easily pull back is if I've got dates with other women — then whether one woman is going to see me or not doesn't matter as much, and I immediately, naturally pull back. Unfortunately, this seems to be how a lot of us guys operate when we don't have any options: our one woman pulls back and we're like, "Oh my God, please, no."
The Pathetic Texts I Actually Sent
I sent her the most pathetic set of text messages. You know what? I'm just going to share them, because they're really bad, because it's embarrassing, and because this is an example of what not to do. I spent a week agonizing, crying, and missing this woman, and all she was doing the whole time was pulling back. I sent one pathetic, sad message after another because I didn't know the rule: stop here. As soon as she blocks you off with "I'm busy," "I'm going to take time for myself," "I'm going to walk with God" — I'm out. I'm done. I'm going to give you space. I'm not going to assume anything or have any expectations. I'm going to assume you're gone unless you come back. You want space? Go enjoy your space. I'm going to be going out with other women.
Here's how it went. She texts me, "I'm going to hang home tonight." I try to send a flirty message back about my Xbox being happy to hear that. Then she's texting me, "How's the massage?" — and she's texting me pictures and stuff, all while she's at home by herself. I should have stopped immediately and let her wonder: Is he done with me? Does he like me? Because it seems like women need that. I can't stand a lot of what some of these dating guys on YouTube put out, but on this one they're right: the woman needs to play this game with herself, have these feelings, and wonder, does he like me or not? For me, that feels inauthentic as a man, because what feels authentic is to just openheartedly love people. But that is not working at all in dating, and this last experience was a horrible example of it.
So let me read this. I hate to share it, but here it is. She tells me — four hours after telling me she was going to see me that day — she sends this message saying: "My communication hasn't been good. I need to walk with God. I realize space is what I need to process. I'll give you a call later." And I reply: "I'm feeling the same. I think we can help each other if we have a chance to connect. It's hard to make sense of things alone, and God encourages me to work with other people as much as possible. I'd love to walk with you. I'd love to talk to you tonight and share our thoughts. Please give us a chance to connect, because we'll both feel better."
Next message, eight or ten minutes later: "I miss you. That's the main feeling I have, and I think that's the thing behind your feelings too. It may come up as fear or too much overwhelm. Let's face it together. We can have so much joy together like we did this weekend. I think the choice to take space is a choice to suffer." Apparently — maybe as a man that's how it feels, and maybe women experience it differently. And then: "This is the last time I have available before your trip, since I have my kids tomorrow."
The Kids Swap I'll Never Repeat
And I did the dumb thing of clearing my schedule and giving my ex the kids instead of keeping them at my place. So I felt extra bad that I was sitting at home by myself while she was sitting at home by herself, just giving me space. And of course, do you think she messaged me saying, "Oh, I'm so sorry, you're right, I completely get what you're saying, I'd love to hang out"? No. She doubled down and said that space is necessary for her, that she needs time to figure out her feelings, and, "Maybe we operate differently." Yes. And here's the second thing she said: "Maybe the way I operate isn't the best. I don't want to be harsh or seem distant." Well, from my point of view, it is harsh and distant. But I also need to accept that perhaps it's a different experience being a woman than being a man, and perhaps we all have different human experiences. That's for sure.
But I can see the very clear lesson. As soon as she comes up wanting space, I back off — one hundred percent, immediately. You want space? I'm going to give it to you. I'm going to give it to you immediately. You're busy? You want space? You need to cancel? I'm out, immediately. And if she doesn't start chasing me a little bit, that's fine, because I've already got other dates lined up. Some woman at some point is going to be very interested in having your boy all to herself, and that's the only woman I care about being with. I am absolutely not putting up with any of this anymore. Because I could be filming YouTube videos, making money, and helping people. I could be hanging out with my kids.
Never again will I swap my kids to spend a night with a woman. That's what really hurt my feelings. It wasn't even that she gave me this runaround — it's that I could have spent the night with my kids. Now, the swap itself was a nice thing I did for my ex, because I was taking the kids six days in a row instead of my usual three so she could take a trip. But still. I hope I can help someone else make sense of this painful lesson. And if you've experienced this before, it seems like a lot of women want to play this game. They want to test you.
What Should Have Happened Instead
What should have happened after she sent me that crying-emoji message about walking with God? She should have gotten no response from me. And then she should have been left wondering how I'm feeling. Is he pissed off? Is he done with me? Is he dating other women? Is he out with somebody else right now? Does he like me? Is he mad? Is he mad at me? Now, I don't know all women — and some men too, gay and straight, all of us can have different experiences. But my experience is that this is very important: when the woman pulls back, I need to pull back too. Because that gives her a chance to feel safe. To feel like she has a choice. I think what I did here is I left her feeling pressured, like she didn't have a choice — like she couldn't ask me for space, and I was just going to constantly be on top of her.
And even now, since I've learned this, it took me another miserable week after all that — a week of her slowly pulling further and further away, wanting more and more space. My mind is still hoping that someday she realizes I'm the best man for her. The only way she's ever going to see that, though, is space. The last message she sent me was about a paragraph long, on Wednesday, saying, "I think you like me more than I like you." And at this point, I can see why she thinks that. I didn't respond to that, and I have no intention of ever responding to it. Because if she's sending me a message like that, she at a minimum needs space — if it's not totally over already. There's nothing I'm going to say at that point to convince her with logic that, well, actually, you do like me, and here's why.
Sending her one of my videos was such a bad idea too — but I did that. I made a whole vlog about it called "I Shouldn't Have Sent This Message at 6:48 a.m.," and then the next one, "The Queen Is Gone and I'm Back to Dating in 2026." My God, these were painful lessons to learn. Agony. The queen goes cold. It was such agony going through these lessons.
The Lesson: When She Pulls Back, You Pull Back
But if I can help someone else with this, here it is: if a woman pulls back, to me, the thing to do that demonstrates you understand women is you pull back too. And the thing that demonstrates you value your own time is that you don't send that message — or that message. You stop. If she pulls back and she wants space, I immediately give it to her. If she's busy, that means she doesn't value time with me that much. Because if she's interested in spending time with me, she will make time to spend with me. The woman I was all excited about made twelve hours to see me within a week of meeting me — and then she made almost no time for me at all, and it turned into negative attention.
And I realized that even if you're in a relationship, this still applies. With my now ex-wife, there were lots of times when she wanted to pull back and just needed space, and I struggled so much to give it to her. Now, I've finally got it.
I Want a Two-Way Relationship With You
If you've made it all the way to the end of this, you need a two-way relationship with me. Stop just reading and watching, and join the Jerry Banfield Family. Tell me about what you're going through, because that gives me perspective and helps me make better videos. I'm tired of just talking at you — I want to hear you. You can send me videos, you can post your dating profile, you can share your life story. When you join, the thing to do is introduce yourself, say why you joined, and help us all get to know you. There's a direct message button where you can chat with me, and if you want me to make a video about a specific subject, give you an opinion about a specific thing, or share my experience, I'm here for you. You're going to get a ton of value, and you're going to help me by helping you — I get to know you, and you know me. That's fair, and I'm looking forward to getting to know you in the Family.
If you want more of these painful dating lessons and everything I'm learning as I get back out there, you'll find all of it in my Dating playlist. Seriously though — what kind of person reads one of these all the way through to the end? I've got to get to know you.