Nine Minutes with an Original NES
It's 2025, and I have not played Kung Fu ever on Nintendo. I've got a legit original Nintendo right here, and we're going to play this for the very first time because viewers, y'all have requested that I try this game. I saw Superman playing it, and I'm like, what? Let's try something new. So I'm only going to play it for a maximum of nine minutes, too, because — oh, shh, we gotta jump. Ah! Dude, he took half my health off! He just touched me for a minute! He felt me for a second and took half my health off!
Here, can we, like, sprint somehow? Ah, Jesus, what is he doing? It doesn't look like he's doing anything. No, don't you throw that — no, no. Duck. Get. Kicked in the face. So violent! Oh, he's coming to touch me from behind. How do you like it when — ah, gee, why does he have that and I have nothing? I think I should have more stuff. Why do I go so slow? Get over there! It's as awkward as you remember this game being. Nice. Come on, get in there. Damn it! Don't let that knife fuck you in the face! Jesus! Dude, I lost three! How long did it take before I started swearing? Less than two minutes?
All right. We lost four fifths of my health already. And the enemy's, like, 100%. That's cool. Oh, no! One of those dudes kissed me. I want to sprint. No. Oh, I ducked. Ah, Jesus! I'm like, all right, I get one. Dude, this game is challenging. These old school games are all hard like this, though. All right, let's see what we can do in nine minutes. I think it's gonna kill me. I'll be lucky to last another minute. See that? Fuck! How can they take so much health at once? Oh, my God! Anything! I did better on my very first try. I guess you could argue that I am one-hit quitting these guys in the face, right? Like, that's pretty stacked in my favor. Oh, fuck. Right in the face! Well, that's nice, isn't it? Oh, my God.
Trying Game B Blind
All right, what is one player? It would be cool to play this two player. I don't know what one player game B is, so I'm going to go ahead and play game B. I have no idea what game B is. Is this the easy session? It only took three minutes for me to finish. That's what she said. No, that's not what she said. Whatever! I'm trying to make somebody laugh. I just hope — it's like, why am I screwing around wasting my time playing shit? Like, why am I wasting my time today when I have all this stuff I could do, playing Kung Fu? It's like, what? If I can help somebody have a laugh, then maybe that accomplished something.
I was hoping the B game was easier. I'm not really seeing it. Oh, shit. Yeah. You gotta watch those knives to the face. Oh, now we've got two motherfuckers throwing knives! That's just great! Somebody watching told me to play it a couple few hundred times and promised they won't touch you. Damn, and that's sad — when I used to have time for stuff like that, too. I used to have time to play — shit! No! I used to have time to play stuff like this a hundred times. I played back in the day. I played Madden — shit! You'd think I'd learn the fucking ducking fuck by now. Ducking fuck. Back in the day, I played Madden 99. Fifteen years of the franchise. I played every game in that bitch. It's like, Jesus, bro. How did you have that much time? It's like, you don't have that long to fuck around! You don't have that long to live to be using your time that way! You can't handle the truth. You don't have time.
Alright, I at least don't want to get hit by a knife in my fucking pie hole this time. That's my goal. I don't care if these bitches grab a motherfucker up and punch a bitch in the face. God damn, all he's doing is swearing now. Fuck! He went low! Oh, shit. Alright, at least I didn't get hit. Fuck. I couldn't even get to the boss? Oh my god, dude. I've fully played through this as far as I could go twice, in under three minutes each. Alright, one more time, and then I'm gonna turn this shit off!
The Boss Fight and My Comedy Problem
Just be funny without cursing. It's just kind of easy to be funny with cursing. I'm not that funny without cursing, it turns out. Like, I try to do some family friendly humor, and it's like, ugh. I like Nate Bargatze — like, that guy can make jokes. I'm like, I don't know how he does it, because I gotta swear. Oh my goodness. What do you do if they hit the — fuck. What do you do if they hit you in the knee? Oh, you gotta jump, don't you? Alright. Can you imagine having time like that? You should not have time like that. There's gotta be something better to do with your life. Oh, did he miss — oh! Shit! Alright, this is the farthest we've got. Fuck! What are you doing to this guy? Fuck! Come on, dick off! Lorena Bobbitt.
Somebody wondered how many quarters this game took from people back in the day — did they have this in arcades? I watched Superman play this, and he was getting way farther. No! I should not be getting grabbed by the cheap, easy-to-one-shot mobs. Oh shit. There it is. Oh, no, no. Alright. They're dead. At least we didn't get hit with a knife. Did not get hit with a knife, at least. Come here. Alright, let's see if I can do anything. Alright, he went high. Good. You take it! You should have something — you wasted tons of time on Double Dragon.
Alright, this bitch needs to get fucked. How do you beat this dude? I'm trying to look for a vulnerability. Alright, so right after he goes in, can you punch him? Oh, shit! I finally got a couple of hits on him! I got a couple of strokes in! So, Nate Bargatze — how does he do that? Like, it's magic. Like, I can be funny with shock value and just swear and scream and be insane, but — oh, shit! Don't go low and kneecap a bitch! I want to do stand up too, but it's like — only the darkest shit in the world. Like, I have just the darkest shit. And I'm like, that's unfortunate. And I can't put that stuff on my YouTube. If you want to watch me suffer through more games like this, check out my Games playlist.
Oh, shit! No! No, he got me in the face! Oh, shit! He took my nuts off! I want to just get a hit on him. Ah! I got one hit on him. Alright, so he got one hit. Come on, I'm gonna dance with this bitch for like ten minutes. Dude, he's dancing with me too. You don't got shit better to do either? Ah! There goes my dick! Alright. GGs on this one.