It's July 29th, 2026. I'm recording a life that probably hardly anybody cares about as a vlog, but I care about it. And because I care about it, we're going to talk about it — I like listening to myself talk.
It's Definitely Over With the Queen
The big thing I'm thinking about today is that it's definitely over with the woman I'll call the queen. The silver lining is that I've learned so much from this. When anything is hurting or struggling in life, if there's an opportunity to learn and then an opportunity to teach others based on that, it's worth it. To me, the key with suffering is that it needs to have a purpose, and learning is usually the easiest purpose to attach to some suffering. I'll do a full video about this on Jerry Banfield Dating, and it will be out sooner than this vlog.
Here's what's happened in the last 24 hours. Yesterday morning I sent this woman a video I thought was about six minutes long — it was actually 16 minutes long. It was kind of an ultimatum: let's get on the same page, or I'm going to date other women. She said fine, it's been nice knowing you, I don't think we're emotionally and romantically compatible. Which is a very good learning opportunity for me, because why aren't we emotionally and romantically compatible?
Well, on the fourth date, when she was at my house, when she was very warm and ready to kiss me, I was playing nice guy and I didn't kiss her — because she'd said before that she wanted to take things slow. But her body language when we were at my house was not the body language of wanting to take things slow.
The Lesson I Forgot From My Twenties
I had this down in my twenties. Back then, I would always escalate any time there was any invitation to do so, and that worked really well. Dating my ex, we ended up in a marriage because of it: first date, a hug. Second date, making out. Third date, things started progressing physically. Fourth and fifth dates, each one went further than the last. And then by the sixth date, all the way. It was constant escalation — there was never any stalling romantically. For some reason, I seem to have forgotten that. I remember I was ruthless back then: if we're not escalating, I'm out. If we're not progressing and I'm not happy with how we're progressing, I'm not paying any attention to you.
Instead, I dumped all my attention on this woman. As soon as I didn't escalate when she was wanting me to escalate — and in fact made her feel bad by saying, oh, you said you wanted to take it slow, it's okay, wait until you're really ready — she ended up feeling rejected. I said that in the video I sent her, and she didn't want to acknowledge it or look at it, because that would mean looking at the fact that what she was saying and what she was wanting to do were not on the same page. That would have been hard for her to look at. And I felt so bad about it, because I really wanted to kiss her. I would have loved to do that. So why didn't I? Why didn't I help her through her resistance? That's what I'm doing next time, for sure.
After her message, I sent her a nice message back. She sent me another message. Then at the end of the night I sent some whiny message — hey, maybe we could talk through this, we're so compatible in other ways. But I realized today that it's over from the standpoint of how the game works, so to speak. She's been turned off since I didn't kiss her. And when she canceled that fifth date, I should have just been like: that's it, it's over, I'm done. It should have been totally on her to progress things at that point.
Tennis, My Son, and a Phone Call That Changed My Frame
This morning, after dropping my son off, I went and played tennis with my friend. I had a nice conversation with my son on the way. He told me all about camp. Sometimes I've been so in my head that I haven't asked my son questions — and if I don't ask him questions, sometimes he won't talk. So today I asked him questions and got him talking the whole time, and it was really nice to hear about all the stuff he did at the Tampa Baywatch camp.
Then I drove and talked to my friend on the phone, and we had a great conversation. He said, you need to listen to Andrew Tate's dating course, and he sent me the link to it. He helped me see that the currency I have to offer women is attention — that's what's valuable. And I just gave this woman all my attention, and she didn't have to do anything for it. It made sense to give her my attention when things were heating up and escalating, but I should have stopped giving her my attention after that. As soon as she canceled that fifth date and got all in her head, I should have just not responded, and it should have been totally on her to try to reschedule something.
I see the same thing happened with the single mom about a month ago. I see exactly where that went wrong. She canceled our date, and I immediately replied back, it's okay, we can reschedule. I should have just stopped right there. You cancel a date with me? I'm completely withdrawing my attention from you, and I'm going to assume you're not interested. There's nothing there, this isn't escalating, it's not worth my time.
Now, I hate to say this kind of stuff, because I love the idea of authentic, heartfelt dating where we're just being people who love each other, getting to know each other, curious about each other, having fun together. But this last woman is a perfect example of why that alone wasn't working for me. And I'm really happy about one thing: my pickup game — my first-few-dates game — is actually strong, and it could get stronger. The fact that I picked up this beautiful woman at yoga, got her phone number, and scheduled a date with her right there? That's good. I'm going to be able to do that a bunch more times. My pickup game is locked in. All I need to do at this point is lock in everything from getting the phone number to getting into the bedroom.
Getting Honest About What I Actually Want
I realized yesterday I've been dishonest. I've been telling women what I think they want to hear. The truth is, I don't want to take it slow. I want to get into the bedroom as soon as possible — especially since it's been something like nine years of mostly not being there, and I wasn't thrilled with the last woman I was there with. I want to get to the bedroom as soon as possible because, in my experience, after being intimate with a woman I know for sure whether I like her. Before that, it's kind of hard to tell. Afterward, I have complete honesty about it. With my ex, the first time we were together, I thought, oh my God, I am nuts about her. Whereas with lots of other women, after the first time it was like, nah, I don't like you that much — I just wanted to get laid. That's how it went with the last woman I was with in November of last year. I didn't like her that much. As soon as we'd been together, I was tired of her and wanted her to leave. I just wanted to get laid. And I'm sorry about that.
I'm grateful for what I've seen in the last 24 hours. Women have something valuable to offer, and as a man, what I have that's valuable is my attention. This came straight out of that dating course my friend recommended, and it's exactly what happened here: if I'm giving my attention away for free and I'm not signaling that my attention is valuable, it's not going to be appreciated. I should only be giving my attention away when I'm getting what I want, when things are going well — because I have plenty of places to put my attention where everything goes great: my kids, my work. I just went completely wrong with this woman over the last week and a half, giving her all this attention when she didn't want it and when she was doing nothing that I wanted either. Such a valuable learning opportunity.
Dropping the Scarcity Mindset
I realized the only reason I got so upset with her is a scarcity mindset — thinking, well, when am I going to meet a woman this amazing again? In reality, there are probably a hundred women like her in this town who are single right now, who would have that level of compatibility, who I'd be that attracted to, who I could meet and get their phone number, and things would go even better than they did with her. And if you believe in God, God can give you everything — so there's no reason for that scarcity mindset.
I'm really grateful, and I'm really proud too. I remember thinking a week ago, oh, I can't handle it if things don't work out with her. Well, look at me. I'm just fine. Not only am I fine, I'm better than I was before. I expanded my emotional capacity. I pushed my emotional limits. I've expanded my dating learning, and I've realized I need to be a better person — and that I need to be coaching people on in-person dating. There are so many guys who have plenty of money and struggle with women. I know a guy who's going out with a bunch of women on dating apps right now, and it's like — you have money, you have a nice house, you should be able to be meeting and picking up women in person. In my opinion, if you've really got it as a guy, you shouldn't need to use dating apps. And me too — I've made lots of money, and I think I need to learn how to date women better.
It's funny: I knew this stuff in my twenties and had it down, but I couldn't get very many dates back then. Now I'm getting crazy amounts of dates — I've never gotten this many dates in my whole life. One woman after another after another that I'm meeting. I've thought about dating apps again, and the answer is no. I'm not optimized for dating apps, and if I use dating apps, I won't go hard on meeting women in person.
I'm glad this woman still hasn't replied to my voice memo yet. Maybe she checked a transcript of it and thought, nah. I feel kind of lame that I offered to pick her up from the airport, but oh well — I did that, and I feel good. I've learned some valuable lessons, and I've got some funny ideas out of it. Like, maybe I can try running ads online saying, hey, I'm looking for a tennis partner, and see if any women respond and meet up for tennis. Then I could potentially coach them, or date, or just have a fun interaction. I've just got to try this stuff. I have so many ideas that I want to try.
And then we'll just grow the community as big as possible on Skool. For the online audience: I'm not reading any comments anymore unless you're in the Skool community. I don't care what you have to say unless you're a member — because why would I pay attention to a random comment posted online? If you want my attention, join the Jerry Banfield Family on Skool and talk to me there.
Stabilizing Myself: AA, a Run, and a Massage
Yesterday, after I sent that video, I went to an AA meeting. I thought, I need to make sure I'm stable today, and the AA meeting helped stabilize me. I saw some people there I hadn't seen in a while, which was nice. Then I went for a little run around Crescent Lake Park out here — shirt off, got a little sun, had some exercise, showered. And then I went and had an awesome massage with Lindsay.
Lindsay didn't think the video I sent was a good idea, and she's absolutely right. I defended it at the time, but I would not do something like that again. If a woman and I are not having positive interactions, there's no reason for me to reach out and message her. I should be sticking to wherever I'm getting the kind of attention I want, and to whichever woman is very interested in me. If that's not happening, I don't need to be paying attention to it, thinking about it, or emotionally investing. I should have withdrawn. I remember going to yoga a week ago Monday, where this woman was kind of pulling away and being avoidant, and I remember thinking: you need to withdraw your emotions right now. But instead I told myself, no, keep your heart open, bro. Keep your heart open. Nope. I should have withdrawn my emotions right then and just been like, whatever — it's on her if she wants to continue.
Working the Phone
I also went through my phone and dug up some numbers. I messaged the single mom who canceled on me. It turns out she had deleted my number. If I had it to do over again, instead of saying my name and pointing out that it was ironic she'd deleted my number this time, I would have played around — been like, oh, he deleted my number — and messed with her some more instead of just telling her. I don't imagine I'll be hearing from her again.
I messaged about four other women too. I apologized to one woman for canceling a second date on her — she didn't respond. I messaged another woman I hadn't talked to in ten days asking if she wanted to schedule something — she didn't respond. And one woman I reached out to said, oh, I started long-distance dating my ex again. I said, good luck with that — that's never been able to work out for me.
I also messaged my matchmaker. I told her, look, she doesn't need to be a content creator. I don't care what she does for work. What I care about is: is she healthy, and does she want kids? For matchmaking, that's all you need to look for. Basically none of the other stuff matters as much — we'll just have to figure the rest out. I thought dating a content creator would be awesome. No, it's not awesome when she wants to sit at home and edit her videos instead of letting me help her, and when she'd rather do that than talk to me. That was not so awesome.
I realize some people would call what I've been through simping or whatever. But the way I see it, I was testing: can I have a heartfelt, loving connection with somebody without playing the game at all? And the answer, in my experience, is no. Maybe it's not really playing games — it's that I need to be really serious about where I put my attention, and I need to be controlling where I put my attention. I put way too much attention into this woman. I also need to be controlling the language I'm using, so going forward I intend to be very accurate with my language and not pull into fantasy. I pulled way into fantasy with this woman, and because I did that, I got overly emotionally invested, gave her way too much attention, put too much pressure on myself, and kept trying to tell her what she wanted to hear.
I'm Done Taking It Slow
And honestly, I didn't know myself either while dating her. Now I do: no, I don't want to take things slow. Life is too short to take things slow. Got the club going up on Tuesday — I don't want to take it slow. If a woman is not willing to get in bed with me fairly soon, then I don't have time. I'm interested in getting laid. I'm tired of not getting laid, and I'm tired of trying to take things slow. I'm not doing that again. I'm not even considering it again. It's nice to just be honest and go from there.
Getting honest with yourself is the hard part sometimes, though. I remember talking to this woman before, and she said, well, I don't know what I want. Well, you need to try dating people, and then you'll figure out what you want. I thought I wanted to date a content creator — now I don't care. I thought I'd be willing to take it slow with the right woman — no, I'm not. I'm not willing to take it slow with any woman. I don't care how beautiful she is, how nice she is, how compatible she is. To me, taking it slow indicates you can't open up and receive me. You're unlikely to be capable of making a strong connection with me. You're too guarded, too in your head, too defensive. I don't want to take it slow — got the club going up on Tuesday.
But I'm so grateful. This whole experience with this woman was so fun. And I'm so resilient — going from posting crying videos to seeing this as a powerful learning opportunity.
My Next Move: Local Dating Coaching
I know now that I need to be coaching people on dating, in person, locally. There are so many people struggling with dating, and there are very few options for a local dating coach — someone who will actually sit down with you. And here's what I could do for a woman: you want to meet a man here? Let me get on the online dating app for you. I'll use the dating app on your behalf and weed out the losers, because I know how to talk to men. I'll find you some amazing guys to go out with. I'll help you get nice pictures up there and put together a profile that filters out the losers and makes it clear what you want. I can even message the guys myself and set up the dates — just tell you when the date is and send you the guy's profile, maybe before setting it up. There are a number of women in this town who would probably pay me real good money to do exactly that: look, I want dates with guys, I don't want to mess with the apps — just use my dating profile, line me up dates, and tell me when to show up. There are so many women in this town who have money, who hate online dating, but who want to go out on dates with guys. And how funny would it be to have your boy on there talking to dudes on Hinge?
Because I'm a dude, it's easier for me to read another dude and go, this guy's a loser. I can also see things about men that some women are unlikely to catch. It seems to me — and this is a generalization that obviously doesn't apply to everybody — that women are often drawn to superficial things in guys' profiles. You need to be able to read for a guy who's thoughtful, not just get too easily won over by his profile pictures. You need to learn to look deeper, look for a man with substance, look for a man who's put some depth into his profile. Don't weight his pictures so heavily — look at what he's actually written, sort through that, and use your filter.
I can already see it: a woman paying me for this. And I know some hater — whose comment I'm never going to see anyway — will say, oh, no woman's going to pay you $1,200 for dating coaching. I bet ten women will pay me $1,200 for dating coaching. I can't advertise it directly on Google, so I'm going to advertise things like confidence coaching and connection coaching — I've got a whole bunch of ideas for things adjacent to it. And then I think I'll wear a shirt that says Jerry Banfield, Dating Coach. I'm around women all the time. If you're an attractive woman, there's no reason you can't be going out with guys constantly — the dating apps exist, and you should be able to have dates with men constantly. This woman I just went out with hadn't been out with a guy in three months. She's struggling to use the dating apps, having guys cancel on her. You let me use that dating app, and I'll have one guy after another after another lined up. How fun would that be — getting paid to be on the other side of the dating apps?
So I'm really excited for the future, and I'm grateful that I made it through. Even today, with her not having responded to my voice memo from last night — it's probably best she didn't respond, and I'm not bothered by it, which is nice. Everything is set up for the community now: join the Jerry Banfield Family on Skool, where you can post, share your situation, and I'll give you feedback and talk with you directly right there.
I'm so grateful, and I'm hoping this is inspirational for you. If you want to follow the whole story of this journey, it's all unfolding in my Dating playlist. Thank you very much for reading.