A First Date That Started Off Perfect
Last night, I went out with a woman I was really attracted to, and we had great chemistry. It was a first date, although we had spent about an hour meeting each other the night before, and I had driven an hour to go down and meet her. The venue was beautiful, and everything was off to a great start. What I did right is that I showed up with a very open heart. I had just gotten a massage, and I was ready to make sure I could offer a connection. I had gotten some feedback from women in the past saying they couldn't feel the connection, and to me, that is often expressing that I haven't had a heart open full of love. I arrived at this date very happy to see this woman and complimented her on her appearance. She looked beautiful. She was fun, playful, full of energy. We got a couple of cups of tea, started walking around and talking. She was making jokes, being friendly with the kids and the people around us. We saw an alligator. We sat by the water. I remember on the way to the date saying, thank you for this date, thank you that this happened so fast — this was a woman I had met within the last 24 hours.
She seemed very enthusiastic. She rescheduled the date with me, and when I texted her, she offered lunch, coffee, a walk, dinner. She said she had three hours to spend with me, which to me is one of the nicest things you can do — offer people your time. To offer somebody three hours on a first date is a huge compliment. This was off to a really good start. I thought, nice, this might turn into something. Then we went to take a walk. The scenery was beautiful. Everything was just perfect.
The Early Warning Signs
She had sent me a text, though, and I had a couple of concerns. She had been pretty toxic about her exes. To me, however you talk about the people you've been with in the past is a good indication of how you're going to talk about the people you are with now in the future. She had been talking about how abusive her exes were, and I thought, okay, that's a little bit of a red flag, because I'm wondering what she's contributing to this. Is that what she's attracted to? She also texted me that she doesn't kiss on the first date, which I respect — communicating boundaries. Then she deepened that to saying she didn't kiss on the second or third date either. In my mind, I started to think, I'm sure you've hooked up with guys on the first date before, so what's going on with this? Why can't we just have fun and see what happens instead of immediately starting to try and push? Based on the guys she talked about before, those probably weren't dudes that respected boundaries. Now I wasn't sure — are you looking for a nice guy, or are you trying to test and see if you're going to be really attracted to me?
The Twenty-Minute Rant
I started exploring and asking questions, asking why. She ended up getting into this building rant for like 20 minutes, where she talked about how guys are jerks and she wants a guy who is actually nice and treats her right. Then she was condemning all the loser guys. She said 10 or 20 percent of the guys are going out with most of the women, that she has lots of dates because she's beautiful, and that most of the guys are just losers who hardly have dates. I was mostly listening — not even commenting. I figured, let's just get to know her and see what happens. Then she started talking about losing empathy for people, that people just need to get their lives together and stop making excuses and stop whining and crying — it's your problem, it's your situation, you created it.
I certainly vibe with some of that, but at the same time, in my personal life, I'm trying to cultivate the most compassion and empathy I have for people. Unfortunately, on YouTube and X and all these other platforms where I post videos, it seems to get a lot more views if you take a toxic point of view. That seems to get out there a lot more. You have to take the toxic clickbait title on the surface, and then maybe you can slip something nice discreetly into the video so that the algorithm will put it out and people will watch it. Maybe you can sneak some empathy and love and compassion into the video, because if you lead with that, the video usually goes nowhere. In my experience — 15 years on YouTube, thousands of videos, a billion views — that has been my experience with creating on these platforms. In real life, as I covered in one of my recent Jerry Banfield for Creators videos, acting that way doesn't work very well. I was listening to her talk, and I thought, God, is this how I sound on my videos?
Then she was ranting about guys and people being irresponsible with money, and I was thinking, all right, well, I have a different approach to money than she does. Then she culminated by ranting about these teenagers who spilled water all over the gym. She was talking about how lazy and degenerate they were and what jerks they were, because they put one paper towel in the water, didn't clean it up, and just told the gym staff, hey, we spilled some water over here, clean it up. To be fair, the gym staff probably has a mop and bucket — it's probably easier for them to clean up a water spill than to use a hundred paper towels. Still, she was furious, getting more and more angry. Then she capped it all off by saying, if those were my kids, I'd slap the shit out of them.
The Comment That Ended the Date
I was listening to this with my eyes getting a little wider, just letting her talk, wondering, where is all this rage coming from? This was a woman who, the first time I met her, said she was healed and had her act together and that other people needed to do the same. When she said that about the kids, it hit me hard. I was raised by a father who believed in corporal punishment, and I do not believe in any of that at all for my kids. I don't threaten my kids. I don't believe in any corporal punishment. I don't believe in timeouts. I don't believe in shutting people in rooms. No coercive control. As soon as she said that, I felt like she had punched me in the heart. If she had suddenly punched me in the face while we were sitting on that bench, I probably would have felt about the same level of surprise. I was just disoriented. I couldn't believe she had said that. It was so far out of line with what is okay with me.
Then we sat there in silence for a while, because I couldn't talk and act like anything was normal or okay after that comment. I knew I needed to leave this date as soon as possible, but I also wanted to make this a teaching moment. The date was essentially finished right then. I knew I absolutely couldn't stand to see this woman again. We are not compatible. There are bigger red flags I could imagine, but that one was an absolute — I'm out of here, no, not that. After I had been silent for a while, I couldn't even look at her without frowning. My face was convulsively frowning. Looking at her, I just thought, this is so sad — such an angry, hostile attitude towards kids. That's gross to me. At the same time, maybe some other man would find that attractive. Not me. It's funny — she wants a nice man, but then she talks about what feels to me like a very violent approach to parenting. There's such an abrasive conflict in that. I was totally turned off, but I'm grateful I had an open heart, because if I had just been in my head focusing on getting laid, I might have overlooked that comment. Since I was in my heart, I just felt sad. This is so sad, I thought. I've got to go.
Speaking Up Instead of Pretending
After a good few minutes of silence — the scenery was still beautiful — she asked, what's up? I told her, the comment you made about disciplining the children is a major red flag to me. I started describing my parenting style. I said, I am a grown man who parents my children by example. I am a leader. They follow me. I don't have to coerce them, because they love me and want to be like me, and I help them and support them, so they help me and support me. I don't have to threaten them. I say, kids, it's time to go to basketball, will you please turn off the video games? And they turn off the video games, because when they ask for things, I respect them and help them. I lead by example and they follow my example. None of that other crap is necessary. All of that other crap is dysfunctional and damaged, and there's a better way to do things. I also told her I grew up with that, and absolutely none of it would be happening with my kids.
She then tried to backpedal and explain it. She said, well, I think there's a time and place to spank a child. I said, no, there's not. Never, ever is there a time and place for that. It's wrong, and there's always a better way to do things. She said, well, you can just get up and leave and walk off right now. I said no. At that point, my goal was to help teach her — to help this be something more than purely a date that went bad. It's funny to imagine how she would explain this. She'd probably say, this guy was a wimp — I brought up my parenting and disciplining kids, and this guy just went to pieces, he's so lame. That's probably what she'd say. But I wanted to make this something she could learn from, because at that point dating was out the window, and I wanted to use the time to make it something she could possibly carry forward.
And I realized something about myself in that moment: I've been saying things that trigger women this way on dates too, and I need to stop that. There's no reason to do it. I respect people being passionate — I loved her passion — but passion that turns into raw rage aimed at people for no reason is scary. So we started walking back. She had also gone on a rant about guys and losers and how many guys she was dating, and on the way back I asked her, what kind of guy do you think I am? And she said, well, I don't know.
Switching Into Coach Mode
Then I asked her, how many women do you think I go out with? She had no idea. The truth is I go out with a lot of women, and I try to learn. So at that point I switched into coach mode. I was dating coaching this woman, because I felt she needed help, and I was going to offer that help before the date was over. We had walked way out along this path, and I figured we might as well walk back — I wasn't going to walk back by myself and leave her out there alone. I was going to use the walk as a chance for a teaching moment.
I told her, I go out with a lot of women, and I don't go on a lot of second dates, because one or the other of us has generally not been feeling the connection. What I've learned is that I need to be heartfelt on my dates. I told her there are a lot of things I've said that have been red flags to women on dates, and I wish those women had had the courage to speak up and say, whoa, buddy, what you just said is a major red flag. I also told her that dating, to me, is one of the best opportunities for character development and growth, because dating reveals things I could otherwise get away with. She could get away with that kind of attitude in a lot of areas of life. But when you go on a date and go off on a rage like that, the date is over — it costs you something immediately, right there in the moment.
It Wasn't Just One Comment
To be fair, it wasn't just the comment. It was 20 minutes of escalating rage — instead of taking responsibility, just dumping all this rage and hate on other people all over the place. She tried to say it was just one comment. I said, no, it wasn't just one comment. It was the climax. What you said that really bothered me was the climax of a 20-minute rage on men, on the world, on kids, and on a few other things. That was a 20-minute rage you just went off on, and that's not going to work.
I continued to share other lessons like that with her on the way back, and I also tried to soften it. I respect that we get to know so little of each other on a date. She said first, and I repeated it back to make sure I understood, that maybe you just do catch someone on a bad day sometimes. But I told her, if you want to have emotional intelligence, if you want a man with emotional intelligence, you shouldn't be going off on a tirade about everybody else instead of just owning your own emotions — hey, I'm just angry right now. Don't blame your anger on everybody else. Maybe look at it as, I'm angry because I'm struggling to date, or something like that. She was bragging about how many dates she'd been on, but that's not necessarily a brag. An attractive woman should be able to get dates very easily, especially using dating apps in this day and age. That's pretty easy.
She tried to sell me on the idea that it's nice to give people a second or third chance on dates, that you don't really get to know people at first. And I get that — sometimes you do just catch somebody on a bad day. At the same time, though, if you're already starting to put up walls and boundaries, like not wanting to kiss until the second or third date, I was already starting to feel there was too much friction here. This was not attraction.
The Most Honest Thing She Said
Then one of the last things she said before we parted was, I'm okay if I'm just going to be by myself my whole life. And really, that was one of the most honest and beautiful things she said on the whole date. She honestly expressed a fear and really felt into it. I was so proud of her for expressing her fear like that. I told her, I certainly hope that's not what happens for you — I hope you find someone and have a very happy life with them. And then, right after that, we had one of the coldest goodbyes I've ever had on a date. The poor woman was just destroyed. She had said words of affirmation are her love language, and the words I said basically mirrored back to her what she looked like from my point of view. She was crushed at the end of the date, and at the same time, I was disoriented. I sat down in my car thinking, what the hell just happened?
I've Done the Same Thing
Then I realized: I've done that on some dates. Sometimes I've done it because I didn't find the woman attractive. Instead of just saying, hey, I'm not feeling this, I'm going to leave, see you later — I would say things that were red flags and make her push me away, which is not fair. If I show up and I don't find a woman attractive, I don't need to act like a crazy person just to get her to say, oh, I'm not feeling this. There are several dates where I should have just ended the date as soon as possible.
That's the hard thing, though, because often we don't want to be honest. If I had been honest with some of the women I've been out with — like this one woman who was on a carnivore diet — if I had been brutally honest with her about ten minutes into the date, I would have said, your carnivore diet is a massive turnoff, because you look overweight and unhealthy right now, and then you're selling people on the carnivore diet with your coaching. I'm not interested at all. I eat whole plant foods. We are not compatible at all, and your carnivore diet and the weight you're carrying around because of it are absolute deal breakers for me. That would have been much more honest. Now, most people would say that's way too cruel, that you can't say something like that. But I'd say it's much more cruel to have ten guys like me all go on dates with her, all reject her for the same reason, and have her leave thinking men are just jerks. No — the diet you're eating and the weight it's putting on is causing guys to not be interested. Maybe not every guy, but for me, that right there was an absolute no. And I wish women would give me that kind of feedback, because in my experience most women are afraid of confrontation. This woman was telling me how guys would call her up and curse her out. She was bragging about how much she loved ghosting guys and blocking guys. It would be funny if she ghosted or blocked me, because I have no intention of contacting her again. I see this and I think, this is sad. It would be ideal if we could all connect more easily.
Red Flag vs. Deal Breaker vs. Bad Moment
One thing I do want to distinguish is: what's a red flag versus a deal breaker versus a bad moment? I went out with a woman right after her, and we had a really nice time. This woman was a single mom, and she was so gentle and loving and interested in serving others by comparison. Whereas that first woman made me feel like I wasn't nearly selfish enough — and I'm a bit selfish — this next woman was so oriented toward service to others, a great mom. At the same time, though, she said, I don't want to be with a guy who wants more kids. And I said, I do want to be with a woman who wants more kids. That's a deal breaker — when there's an area you each want that is simply incompatible.
A red flag, to me, is a major danger signal. What's upsetting sometimes is a red flag that might not actually hit a distinct deal breaker. Like when I go out with a woman and she wants kids and I want kids, but the red flag is that her diet is putting weight on her body and destroying the environment, and she's selling people on it and making a full-time living from it. That's a red flag. That's something that, if I'm in my head, I could rationalize tolerating — but often red flags are things we don't want to disregard, even when they're not such an obvious, immediate deal breaker.
And at the same time, I realize people just have bad moments on dates. I told a woman I went out with a couple of weeks ago — not this woman — a story when she asked me for a travel story. I talked about going to the casino, getting drunk and gambling and trying to sleep on the casino toilet in the bathroom. I think that was a red flag for her. It wasn't a deal breaker; it was a red flag. But you could also say it might have just been a bad moment. Here's the thing, though — I remember that before deciding to tell that story, I must not have liked her that much, if I was going to tell her a story like that after we'd been on one date. This is a woman who is kind of fancy and travels the world, who likes to present herself as very high society and sophisticated, and I tell her a ghetto story like that. You have to figure, if I'm telling her a story like that, is it a bad moment, or am I trying to give her a red flag and a reason to leave?
So for me, this whole experience was really educational, especially because I've done things like this before, and I realized I need to be watching my mouth on first dates. First dates are not the time to just lay out your full inventory. You haven't yet had a chance to give someone the benefit of the doubt. A first date is usually not the time to cut somebody slack, because if I would tolerate this on a first date, what else is this woman going to do and reveal? I don't like the idea of dating being so performative, but if you're going to talk like that on a first date, I'm assuming there's a lot more you're not telling me.
What a First-Date Red Flag Really Signals
When someone talks like that on a first date, I automatically assume there's a ton of other related issues. If that's what feels appropriate on a first date, it's going to get much worse from there. And I can see that women have looked at me the same way. If a guy talks about his casino trip and drinking, how many other crazy stories does he have? What kind of stuff has this guy done? I could see how, after I told that woman my casino story, it was all downhill with her from there. She stopped enthusiastically texting me, and then I got the message that there wasn't a connection. But I realized I wasn't dating heartfelt in the first place — that's why I shared that story at all.
Dating With an Open Heart
What I notice is that when I'm dating with an open heart, I tend to want a loving, safe connection. To me, the first few dates are a place to focus on a loving, playful, safe connection — not on getting out the craziest parts of myself. You're going to get into that later, and maybe the two of you can help each other work on that stuff together. But first dates do need to be somewhat performative.
It really helped me that I had an open heart on this date. If I had been in my head, I might have been able to disregard what she said. In fact, if I had been in my head, I probably would have tried to one-up her and said a bunch of messed-up things myself — and then she leaves the date thinking I'm crazy. Instead, with an open heart, I was able to mirror back to her: this is what you look like from my point of view. It was hard for me not to just cry, because it was making me sad. It left me feeling kind of how she was feeling, and it just felt sad. I know what it feels like to feel like that. I have been like that, and I don't like it when I feel that way. I wished I could help this woman feel better, but she doesn't seem interested in letting someone help her feel better. She seems interested in fueling more drama and more chaos, and that's something I need to stay out of. At the same time, maybe I just had a random bad experience with her. Maybe she goes out with other guys and is unrecognizable from what I saw.
Clarity Is Kindness
I'm proud that I actually spoke up for what I said and what I observed, and that once the date was over, I tried to turn it into a teaching moment. Maybe she doesn't just write this off. Maybe she learns from it. Maybe she can see there are some things she could work on. If not, at least I made the effort. And obviously, this is just between the two of us — maybe another guy would have been totally okay with what she said, and it even would have turned him on. For me, no.
This also helped me see something in myself. A lot of times, I've tried to be the one playing the victim — I'd put up a bunch of red flags on the first date and then feel sorry for myself when she rejected me. But it actually felt really good to observe critical areas of incompatibility in her and, instead of trying to one-up her, simply say it. I told her this was a serious red flag and totally unacceptable to me, and that I'm not going to be around that. I made it clear exactly what she did, what she said, and the energy behind it — that it was an absolute no for me. So at least she has clarity, and I think clarity is kindness. We obviously have to deliver it as nicely as possible.
And I'm proud of her, too. As difficult as it was for her to face my reaction to what she said, she was actually pretty nice about it. She didn't curse at me or get upset. She just got kind of sad and really subdued. She easily could have blown up and gone really crazy, and she didn't. Meanwhile, the energy I held was really calm — loving energy. I wanted her to see what this looks like to someone else, because from there, she may be able to have a transformation.
I share stories like this from my dates regularly — the red flags, the deal breakers, the lessons I keep learning about leading with an open heart — and if this one resonated with you, there are a lot more in my Dating playlist.
And if you want to talk with me about this — about your dating life — come find me at jerrybanfield.com. I offer dating coaching, I've got my Skool community, I've got a chat, and I've got one-on-one calls you can schedule.
Thank you for reading this story, and I hope it helps you spot the difference between a bad moment, a red flag, and a deal breaker on your own dates — with an open heart.