Dating sober, for me, comes down to two things: restraint and discipline. I say no to a lot of things that would be easy to say yes to, and I am still learning not to take a cancellation or a rejection as a verdict on my worth. Those two habits are really one habit. Know what you actually want, and do not let someone else's change of plans knock you off your own center.
If you are searching for how I think about dating while sober, the short answer is this: sobriety gave me the clarity to see which dates and matches are worth my time, and the discipline to pass on the ones that are not. It did not make me immune to the pull. Both posts below are honest about that, and I would rather you read them yourself than rely on my summary.
The older of the two is my October 2025 journal entry, "Each No Makes Room for the Right Yes", from my daily journal Sober Through Separation. I had just moved into a new house and had deleted the dating apps the day before. At a yoga studio social event called Beerasana, I met a divorced mother who told me she smokes a lot of weed to relax. I could feel the pull toward a hookup, and I had gone two weeks without sex, the longest stretch in fourteen years. I still went home alone. I wrote that a small hurt now is so much better than a bigger one later, and that is the closest thing I have to a rule for sober dating.
The newer post is my August 2026 vlog, "My Mind Needs to Be as Strong as My Body", and it is a rougher read. A date was canceled about two and a half hours before we were supposed to meet, and then a second message said she could not make it at all. When I went back over my dating numbers, I had about 40 dates scheduled with women in eight months. At least 10 of them canceled or flaked on me, and I had canceled two. The numbers did not help my mood. I texted five other women looking for a date that night, and they all said no. I went to bed in a bad mood. I called that weak, pathetic behavior, and I still think the question underneath it is the right one: why does it bother me so much?
Put together, the two posts show a shift. In 2025, my discipline was mostly about refusing the wrong people and the wrong nights. By 2026, I had noticed that discipline also means what you do with your own reaction when the plan falls through. The older post is about guarding the door. The newer one is about holding my own frame when someone else closes it, and being harder on myself when I do not manage that.
Both posts appear below in full, newest first, so you will meet the rougher 2026 vlog before the calmer 2025 journal entry. Read them together if you want the whole arc, not just one bad night or one good one. Between them they cover the dating, the drinking I left behind, and the self-talk that comes after a cancellation.
If you want the broader picture, my dating mindset page covers abundance and agency in dating, and my post on dating apps takes on the addiction side of them and whether I go back. For the standards side of saying no, how high is too high is the next place I would go.
On this page
Every post I have written on this subject is below in full, newest first, each under its own heading.
- My Mind Needs to Be as Strong as My Body (August 22, 2026)
- Each No Makes Room for the Right Yes (October 10, 2025)
My Mind Needs to Be as Strong as My Body
From my video published August 22, 2026.
I'm Jerry Banfield. It's August 22nd, 2026, and this is my vlog. I had a date scheduled for last night. How do you think that went? Well, I will tell you.
The Cancel Texts
She cancels about two and a half hours early. The first text was, "Oh my God, don't hate me. I'm not feeling up to it tonight. This week completely kicked my ass. Forgive me." Then she follows it with, "Oh, it's been such a long week. I'm not up for it." So I send her a message back. My exact message is, "You've got time to rally and end the week on a high note with me. You can tell me about your week." Four or five minutes after my message, she writes back, and I quote, "Rally, I shall. Fret not." All right. I'm like, great, awesome, you're a trooper. I tell her where we're going to meet and I tell her I'll give her a ride.
Then, an hour and forty-three minutes later, she texts me again. "Oh shoot, I'm sorry, I misunderstood. OMG, I'm not going to make it tonight. I'm so sorry."
I have empathy for her. I've shown you my own ups and downs. But I reviewed my dating for this week, and here's what the numbers look like. I've had about 40 dates scheduled with women in eight months. What does that average out to? About five dates a month on the calendar. Women have canceled or flaked on at least 10 of them. I've canceled two. So that tells you I'm pretty consistent.
One of the two I canceled was because the woman said she didn't find me that physically attractive. She was kind of wishy-washy with the matchmaker. We had a second date scheduled and I said, look, I don't think we're that into each other. No need to take up each other's time. You go on, keep dating. She had a matchmaker too, so I told her, just see your other matches, I'm good. That was five days in advance. The other one I canceled last minute because I had committed to the queen, and my matchmaker had worked hard to set that date up. I canceled it out of commitment to the queen, which was dumb. I would never do that again.
"That's Why I Don't Date Anymore"
So I went to an AA meeting last night, and I saw this woman who looked attractive from across the room. I approached her, she turned around, and I'm like, oh, whoops, she doesn't look that good up close. But she made the mistake of asking how I'm doing. I said a woman just canceled on me. What is with women being so flaky? I don't act that way. If I say I'm going to do something, I do it. If anything, I need to be careful about saying I'm going to do something, because sometimes I'll commit to something I shouldn't have said I'd do, and I'll go through with it anyway.
She says, well, men are like this too. Men are so avoidant, and that's why I don't date anymore. This woman is probably 50. And I'm like, you don't date anymore? That's ridiculous. This whole thing of not dating is insane. This whole self-love thing. Yeah, you can love yourself, absolutely. But life is much more fun lived with other people. Dating is some of the most fun you can have on this planet. And so many people have been tricked into thinking that dating is not worth doing, especially as a man, because dating as a man is brutal.
The 10 Percent
I've been listening to Owen Cook, and he talks about how 10 percent of men are sleeping with 58 percent of women. And I realized I've actually been in that 10 percent most of my life. I've had sex with 20 women at this point. The mother of my children is beautiful, very attractive, easily able to find another guy she liked. And there have been a number of beautiful women in my past as well. Fifteen or twenty years ago it wasn't skewed as much. Now it's gotten even crazier, because this has turned into a woman's world where women don't need men for income. The old system of patriarchy has, in a lot of ways, been dismantled. And the women I'm encountering now are all about self-love and their own life, but they don't see what they're missing. They don't see that self-love and sitting at home at night swiping and scrolling Instagram is a hollow, shallow, sad existence compared to having an awesome, fun experience with somebody else.
I've had to relearn this new dating environment, which is crazy to me, because there was a different dating environment before. Owen Cook was talking about how you could basically be a beta male and still get laid and have a great wife. These days I've got to crank up the alpha male. I need to have this unshakable frame, and I'm making those adjustments. Yes, you've got the woman last night canceling, but at the same time I've had some beautiful women who have really liked me. I'm still amazed at how different the dating environment is, though.
Or maybe I'm different. I didn't used to pay that much attention to a woman I was dating. I might talk to her once a week. When I went out with my ex-wife, we'd have one phone call a week between dates, and that seemed natural to me because I was drinking and playing video games and watching porn and doing grad school. If I was dating a woman, the only thought I had about talking to her was that talking to her should facilitate having sex with her. I don't need to talk to her if we're not setting up the next time we're going to go on a date and escalate toward sex. The old me was like, I don't see why I would spend my time on that when I could be playing video games or doing my work or making money or getting drunk. I didn't see the point.
And it's funny. The more I got to be nice, especially in Alcoholics Anonymous, be nice, be agreeable, treat people right, ironically it's made me pick up some of these beta male characteristics. I can still get a woman that way, but it's a woman I'm not excited about who's excited about me. If I want to get a woman I'm excited about, it's crazy these days.
The Leaderboard
What I'm learning from this is that what pissed me off last night was how my frame just collapsed, how my mood collapsed. I made a dating video about this that just came out on my dating channel called "I made a leaderboard for the women I'm dating." To me, this seems like what we've got to do these days. Getting obsessed and excited about one woman just doesn't seem to work at all anymore. Maybe it will with some woman somewhere. But I basically have a leaderboard in my mind of all the women I'm talking to and trying to date: who's number one, who's number two. This woman that canceled last night was number three on my leaderboard, although she might have slipped up to number two since we were about to have a date and maybe I could have gotten laid. But now she's off the leaderboard. I'm not putting up with that. That's the second time she's canceled.
What really pissed me off, though, was how my mood spiraled and dropped and fell right down into the toilet. I got home last night after the meeting, and that woman I was talking to had gotten uncomfortable talking about dating. See, this is how you know you're not actually happy. So many people are withdrawing from dating and saying, "I'm not dating." You're not happy, because if you bring up the subject of dating, they get all sensitive and butthurt and don't want to talk about it. And that shows that all the stuff you're saying is a lie. You are unhappy being single, and you're delusional. You want to be with somebody and you've given up, which is a pathetic state to live in. Being in a state where you've given up is a pathetic way to live.
To me, the thing I treasure the most about myself is that I keep trying. I don't quit, I don't give up, I don't surrender. I relentlessly do what I need to do to get what I want, to be happy, and to make the contributions in the world I want to make. That's what I'm proud of. And this woman just started to crumble after she said, "and that's why I don't date," and I pushed back. I said that's ridiculous, life is much better with other people. Then she's like, "Well, I don't know how we got into this conversation." I'm like, nice meeting you, bye. I get people triggered and then walk off.
I just felt kind of bad last night. I was like, man, how did I get in this position? Why do these women keep canceling? And what I realized is that what I really need to investigate is why it bothers me so much. And practically, I should start booking two dates at once if I can and just figure one will cancel. If they both show up, I'll cancel on one of them.
"You're Really Pretty"
So I was walking around the park last night, around 9 PM, thinking about all this cold approach stuff. And what's funny is that when you lose, or when you're down, you should be more willing to experiment and more willing to say, fuck it, I'm going to totally go for what I want. Because if you're not getting what you want doing what you're doing, then you probably should try some other approaches.
Now, this is not one I would try again. I was walking by this pretty woman, and she walks up and says hi first. Remember, it's 9 PM, it's dark, and she says hi to me first. She's walking her dog. So I say hi to her. Then I slow down, turn around, and say, "You're really pretty." She screams at me. She screams, "Get away from me!"
I started laughing. I'm like, this is really sad. You are perfectly safe. I was dumbfounded. How sad that someone is living in that kind of fear. What a sad reality when you're that scared. Someone who's in a healthy spot would say thank you and keep moving. If she wasn't interested in talking to me: thank you, and keep walking. If some big, huge gay guy walked by me and turned around and said, "Hey, you're really pretty," I'd say thank you.
That guy certainly could be dangerous to me, but I'm not walking around in fucking fear all the time. I'm walking around in courage, ready to conquer life. How do I get what I want? How do I help people? How do I make the world I want to live in? What are y'all doing being so scared all the time? And it's not just women. I've certainly experienced my share of fear. But so many people are so scared all the time.
Fear Is the Weakest Thing I've Done
I realized that when I didn't escalate things with the queen, that's what that was. That was fear. Stinky, old, nasty fear. How disgusting is fear? If she's trying to kiss you and you go to kiss her, what are you afraid of? That's some of the weakest shit I've done in my whole life. You've got to live life strong.
I spiraled last night after that interaction with the woman at the meeting and the woman canceling on me. I texted like five other women to see if they wanted to go out. They all said no. And the one who's number one on the leaderboard is out of town right now. So I'm like, fuck, how did I end up with no date tonight? I played some video games. I think it's called Soras, S-O-R-A-S, on PlayStation 5. And I went to bed in a shitty mood. I was literally cursing people out. I made sure to curse out that woman who didn't come out on the date, cursed her out for damn sure. Like, what is wrong with you, that you live like this? I would hate to be the kind of person who has an opportunity to have fun and flips out about it at the last minute. "Oh shit, my life's been so difficult, I can't show up for this date." Jesus Christ. That's pathetic.
And what I most dislike is when I'm pathetic. When the queen wants to kiss me and leans in and I'm like, "Oh, you said you wanted to take it slow," that's pathetic. That is pathetic. And it's up to me to define what is strong, what is impressive, what is something to be proud of, and what is weak, pathetic behavior. No more weak, pathetic behavior. And weak, pathetic behavior is letting my emotions be influenced so much by what someone else does.
The Moment Before the Ego Loads
I went to sleep pissed off. I had all these dreams. Lots of times I have dreams where I'm totally somewhere else, someone else. I set clear intentions last night before I went to bed, like, fuck this shit, I want to wake up and do something else. So I had all these dreams where I was totally somebody else. And then I woke up, and there was this moment where I was wide awake and fully aware, but I hadn't opened my eyes, and none of this ego or this life had loaded. And I felt so much bliss, so much love, so much excitement. I felt awesome. It's like when you turn a computer on before it loads anything. I was on, but nothing had loaded yet. And then the ego and all the stories and all the shit with this life started to load. I'm like, fuck, God damn it. Waking up, I'm dealing with finances and romances. Finances are going great because y'all are spending money on jerrybanfield.com.
And I appreciate it. Popping in on that leaderboard, dropping money, I've got hundreds of dollars rolling in. I love that. jerrybanfield.com is here for you. And I'm going to make lots more money because I've got a hell of a lot of value to offer the world. I have fantastic strength within me and I know I can do better. I can be stronger than this.
I woke up feeling all weak and shitty this morning. I had my breakfast, got up, and went to yoga. The girl next to me was friendly today. And I'm trying to balance things, because cold approaching in the dark last night was maybe not the best thing to do. Maybe 99 times out of 100 it would have gone like that. But I don't know, maybe 1 time out of 100 I say, "Hey, you're really pretty," and the woman says, "Let's go to the park right now." That's the thing. Not all people are the same, and people's reactions are largely a function of what's going on in their own life.
This woman canceling last night had very little to do with me. She doesn't even know me well enough. What's messed up is that she was clearly very interested in going on the date the day before. What did she say the day before? She said, "I was thinking about you. I'm free Friday evening." Such a big lead-up. She was very interested in going out with me the day before. And I would hate to be the kind of person who is that inconsistent. What I need to be is the person who holds space to help a woman not be that inconsistent. That's my job as a man: to hold reality firmly so that a woman can come into my reality, a concrete reality that doesn't move and shake from day to day.
My Body Is Fantastically Strong
And I'm grateful, because my body is fantastically strong. I did hot yoga today and I just blasted through the rest of my day. I haven't been sick in years. My body looks beautiful. It feels good. It works properly. It's amazing. And I'm horny as hell. I've got the same sex drive I had as a teenager, maybe at most 5 percent less. I'm ready. I'm down. I'm DTF.
My body is strong because when I was getting sick years ago, I said, I'm tired of this shit. What do I have to do to feel better? What do I have to do to help this body work better? I'm tired of being on the couch throwing up. I'm tired of getting snotty noses. I'm tired of having the flu. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of being sick and tired. What do I have to do so this body works so well that it's healthy all day, every day? What do I have to do to get that result? And I put in work for years. I don't drink alcohol. I don't smoke cigarettes. I don't eat bullshit processed food. I eat whole plants: fruits, vegetables, nuts, grains, and beans, mostly raw. And my skin looks fantastic. My face looks better than it did 10 years ago. Maybe some of it was the lighting back then, but compare my face six or seven years ago to now. My face looks amazing. That's because I decided a decade ago that I'll do whatever I need to do so my body is triumphant and strong.
I Need to Be Mentally Stronger Than This
This morning, as I was feeling so weak, I went to yoga and socialized a little bit, but I can do better than that. So I called up one of my friends who's much more experienced at life than me. He listened to all my bullshit for a while. And I realized I need to be mentally stronger than this. I don't know, maybe it's because of the culture, or marriage, or whatever happened. But I picked up some beta male tendencies over the last decade, being sober, being married. When I was in my mid-20s, I had a strong-ass frame. You weren't fucking with me. You weren't telling me "this is how it is" without me arguing you into a corner. I would argue as ruthlessly and nastily as I possibly could. My now ex-wife learned when we were first dating: don't try and argue with me about something. I will not stop. I will not quit. She'd say something like, "Well, I think human trafficking is a serious problem." Nope. And I would just bring out all the facts and just make shit up, anything I needed to do to win the argument. She'd get mad and give up and sit there and be quiet. You were not about to tell me anything. And that's part of why she was so attracted to me.
That's what I'm seeing. And this is general, it doesn't apply to every woman, everybody's different. Maybe I need the one woman. Or maybe I just need to be better for the 58 percent of women. But women often find a very strong man attractive. Physically, I'm turning women on at the yoga studio, with my sexy-ass face and lean body. Where I've been messing up is in my mind, in my texts, in my whiny-ass weakness of mind.
So I talked to this guy today, and I told him I need to be doing more affirmations. I need to be focusing on how grateful I am that my body is so healthy, that I have such amazing kids, that I am doing work that I love, that y'all are getting me paid on jerrybanfield.com. I'm making videos that are going out to tens of thousands of people a day. Some days, 50,000, close to 100,000 impressions a day on YouTube from five-month-old accounts. I'm crushing it. I've got awesome friends. I play tennis. I've got a lifestyle. I got a massage today, and my massage therapist is awesome. We had fun. We filmed a video together. It was awesome. I had a great day.
And you know where I turned it around? It was when I said, I'm tired of being like this. What do I need to do to stop being like this? I need to be stronger mentally. I should not be breaking that easily. See, that was the third-place woman on my leaderboard who canceled. Fuck that. I should be able to handle the number one woman on my leaderboard canceling and going downhill, and I should still be holding my frame.
The one reason the woman who's at the top of my leaderboard right now seems to like me is that when she went out with me, I was fully locked in. I am the man. This is my world. And I'm here to invite you into it. I'm not here to step into your world. I'm here to experience you and hear what you have to say, but I'm a man, this is my world, and I'm going to challenge you. If I disagree with something you say, I'm going to lead. You're lucky to be out with me. There are very few men like me you could go out with. There are very few men like me that you would consider giving up your single life for, so you could be with an awesome guy who is strong. And she loved that on the date. I could see how turned on she was. She had fun. She spent hours with me. Some of the other dates did not go like that, because I was in weak-ass mode.
So I got that phone call this morning and started to feel better. Then I filmed a shitload of videos, which always helps me feel better.
My Mind Needs to Be as Strong as My Body
When I get out there and do my work, I feel better. I filmed five videos today, 100 minutes of video. This is the sixth video, so probably over two hours of video today. I had my kids over. My kids went across the street to play with their friend. I had my food. Then I got my massage. I've been listening to Owen Cook. I went to my AA meeting tonight. And I realized I can do the same thing with my mind that I've done with my body. I need to go that far with my mind. My mind needs to be as solid, as strong, and as relentless as my body.
My body, every day, has energy to get up and film these videos. Every day, I've got ideas. I don't have days where I'm lying in bed, tired, not wanting to do anything. Every day, I have enough energy to hit a hot power flow yoga class. Every day, I have enough energy for my kids. Every day, I have enough energy to show up for the things I said I was going to do. That is fantastic physical health and strength. That is absolutely top 5 percent of all people in this country. I am a top 10 percent man. By my definition, in fact, I'd say I'm a top 3 man, Corey Wayne. I am a top-percent man who gets access to that 58 percent of women. And I will accept nobody else's version of this reality.
It is time for me to lead by example and show this is how you strengthen your mind. Because there are a lot of guys out there with strong-ass bodies and weak-ass minds. You think that just being a big muscle-bound dickhead is going to get you women? Nope. As soon as she sees what a weak mind you have, she's out. And I think we can balance things out. If men get stronger, like I'm doing, if you get stronger, you're going to be able to turn more women on. It is brutal today if you are a weak man. Dating is horrible if you're a weak man. Dating is hard enough already. And I am a top 10 percent man, even coming out of the divorce and getting into this weakened state. Now I'm leveling up, and I can feel the women being more attracted to me.
At the AA meeting tonight, I screamed out something while they were reading, and the whole mood of the room changed. I'm a person who can make a whole room full of people feel something. I'm a person who can make people all over the world feel something with my videos. I am powerful, and my mind needs to be as disciplined and as rock solid as my body is. And that's going to take some intentional work. I've got to have my own back and validate myself all the time.
Why Am I Chasing Validation from a Woman?
One thing I wrote down on a piece of paper while talking to my friend today is: why am I chasing validation from a woman? I don't need it. Y'all are nourishing me plenty. Look at this validation. I made almost a thousand dollars or so in the last week, not counting YouTube ad revenue, in Skool and on my new YouTube channels. And that's because y'all are going to jerrybanfield.com and joining the chat and paying to talk to me. That's awesome. That's validation. YouTube is giving my videos out. I have validation. All the likes y'all are smashing, all the comments, which I don't read, because I'm not reading free comments on YouTube. If you want to pay to support me and join the community, like the people who have before you, then I'll read everything you have to say. But I'm not reading anything for free, because you can say whatever you want and it's none of my business. I don't need to hear it. That's for y'all to have a free-for-all in the comments. Talk to yourselves. I only have so much time to read so many comments.
So I read my chat. I read my Skool. I'm there to talk to you in full, and on my one-on-one calls. I have enough validation in my life.
Here's one thing that happens with food. Now, I'm not a doctor. This is my experience and what I've seen. With food, there's the nourishment you take in and there's the nourishment your body absorbs. So there can be two people eating the exact same food, and one person is nourished by it while the other could be malnourished, because if you're not accepting nourishment, the food can go right through you. And it's time for me to soak in all the validation I've got. My kids give me so much validation, so much love, so many hugs, so many snuggles. My mom has all kinds of validation for me. I have so many friends. I go to AA meetings, and people love me at AA. Some people hate me at AA meetings. I'm polarizing. Love me, hate me, say what you want about me. I go to a meeting, and you're going to feel something when I share. You're going to feel love or you're going to feel hate, but you're going to feel something. One day it might be love and one day it might be hate. People feel something when I talk, and that's good. That shows I'm alive.
It's time for me to soak all that validation in and say, look, I'm validated constantly. I'm validated just as much, if not more, than some guy who's a DJ banging 10 chicks. I've got at least that much validation. I don't need validation from a woman. I'm happy to accept it, for sure, but I don't need it. I don't need a woman to go out with me to feel good about myself. I love myself. I'm proud of myself. But at the same time, I'm not going to sit here and act like jerking off every night is the way to go, because there's something better than that. And everybody who's living that way and thinking that's as good as it gets: there's better. There's better you can have. And if there's better you can have and you're not going for it, what are you doing here? Come on, go for it. Go for everything you want.
Going for It
I love that I do that. I want to make money online, so I go for it. I offer things y'all want, like talking with me. Somebody's going to buy my dating coaching, and I'm going to celebrate that. Somebody's going to buy my YouTube coaching, and I'm going to celebrate that too.
And y'all are buying everything else I've got: the chat, Officer Banfield, my Zoom calls, the Skool community. Somebody's going to buy a sponsored crypto video soon. Everything on my website is getting bought.
I just got t-shirts back up too. You can buy a t-shirt now and wear Jerry Banfield around town.
This is almost 30 minutes. I love listening to myself talk. The best part about my videos is I get to listen to them while I'm making them. So that's my day today, and I hope my day inspires your day. It's time to step up and be the strongest, best version of yourself you can be. And the easiest way to do that is to find somebody who has what you want. I called somebody today who has a shocking level of mental fortitude, and I asked him, what do I do? I ask him, I share with him, I listen to him, and I take notes from him. This guy could be my father, damn near my grandfather. And I listen and take notes because I want to learn how he handles harder things than I do without it moving him. And you know what? I'm on the path to be like that.
I'm proud of what I do. That's why I love it when people talk trash about my videos, react to my videos, comment, make your own versions, say any kind of thing you want. I don't care, because I'm rock solid in who I am, and I'm going to get even more rock solid going forward. If you want to follow along with how this dating journey unfolds, the whole story is in my Dating playlist.
Thank you all for watching. I'm ready for you at jerrybanfield.com. If this is the vibe I've got talking, imagine how good my listening is. Imagine what it would be like to have a two-way relationship where you know me and I know you. Come chat. Let's get to know each other. It's checkout time.
Each No Makes Room for the Right Yes
Originally published October 10, 2025.
This is my journal entry from October 10, 2025, part of my daily autobiography Sober Through Separation — my real, unedited days, published in order.
I slept better last night in my new house with the bedroom door open, though I still need to finish duct-taping the aluminum-foil window coverings together. I tried using sheets of foil to black out the windows, but since I only used small pieces of tape instead of sealing the edges completely, light still leaks in. I discovered that around midnight when my neighbor pulled into his driveway and his headlights made my room look like it was lit up in broad daylight.
This morning I went over to my ex-wife’s a little after seven to pick up the kids. We had a fun ride to school—my son and I laughed together as I read his spaceship book again. After dropping them off, I went to yoga, where I had a great conversation with a yoga instructor before class started. She shared some of her own experiences that she thought might be useful given what I’m going through right now. I told her how much I appreciated her openness and how inspiring it was to hear about what she’s faced in both her relationships and her business.
It’s tricky to write a book like this—one that tells my story—without sharing too many personal details about other people. Someone like her deserves to tell her own story, so I try to capture the essence of our conversations without crossing that line. What I can say is that I told her how much yoga has helped me navigate my divorce mindfully. She often says in class that yoga is training for real life—about staying present, grounded, and embodied—and I told her that the last four years have really prepared me for that level of awareness.
Her class today was a strong power flow, and I left feeling incredibly energized. I pushed myself harder than usual, maybe even showed off a little. The woman next to me caught my attention; I hadn’t seen her before, and she was attractive. After class, I made a point to approach her, trying to read her body language to see if she was open to talking. She seemed polite but lukewarm—she shared a bit about herself, then asked about me. I told her I’m an author and then started bragging how I’m planning to write a money book, a dating book, and a health book. I could see her interest fade with every sentence.
I offered her a copy of Author in St. Petersburg, but she smiled and said she couldn’t accept it in good conscience. When she tried to say goodbye and leave before I did, I took that as a clear sign she wasn’t interested. The good thing is that I don’t take rejection personally anymore. What I’m looking for is genuine, mutual chemistry, and if it’s not there, I’d rather let someone go gracefully without turning it into a story of failure.
I’m grateful that I’m meeting people in person again instead of getting lost in dating apps. Every real-life interaction feels more meaningful, even when it doesn’t go anywhere romantic. After yoga, I headed over to my ex-wife’s house to pack up the rest of my office. We managed to roll my standing desk down the street using a furniture dolly that a friend gave us. This time, we flipped it upright and rotated it through the bedroom doorway—so much easier than the awkward struggle we went through moving it across the house a few months ago.
My ex-wife and I had a great talk this afternoon, one of those rare, honest conversations where we could look back on our relationship and really appreciate what we built—and what we’re learning through the divorce. There’s a kind of tenderness to it now, a recognition of how much character we’ve both developed through all the ups and downs. Afterward, my ex-wife went to have tea with one of her friends who still doesn’t know about the divorce, and I headed back to my house for lunch.
I made myself a big salad, but it only came together once I borrowed my ex-wife’s olive oil sprayer. It’s just a regular spray bottle filled with olive oil, but it makes all the difference. The mist coats the salad perfectly. I was halfway through eating when my phone buzzed with an Amazon notification—I Was Famous on the Internet had been delivered. I’d had it shipped to my ex-wife’s address since I don’t feel like constantly updating my mailing info when I’ll only be in this house for another few months.
The excitement hit me so fast that I stopped eating mid-bite, which almost never happens. I walked the five minutes to my ex-wife’s place, opened the Amazon package right on her front porch, and pulled out my book. Holding it in my hands for the first time felt surreal. I studied the cover immediately, noticing that my face looked a bit blurry—like the photo didn’t quite have enough resolution. It had been a 1920x1080 image from 2021 that I’d stretched to fill half the cover, and now the details were just slightly obscured. But honestly, it fits the theme of the book. I could go full perfectionist, redo the cover, and issue a new edition—but it’s not worth it. This one is perfectly imperfect.
The spine was another little quirk: my name sat just slightly off-center, drifting toward the top. Instead of calling it a mistake, I’m calling it style. The back cover looked great, though, with a sharper, more detailed photo. Ironically, the front’s slight blur adds meaning—it reflects one of the book’s central ideas. Online success often looks stunning from afar, but when you look closely, it’s pixelated. A mirage. The glossy perfection you see from a distance doesn’t hold up under real scrutiny.
On the cover, I’m shirtless, cropped just above the nipples—a deliberate, attention-grabbing image that captures both vulnerability and confidence. As I flipped through the pages, I spotted a few design quirks: a couple of section headers awkwardly placed at the bottom of pages or breaking up paragraphs. But again, this isn’t a corporate production with a team of editors polishing every line. It’s my work, self-made from start to finish—and it’s good enough.
I walked back home with the book in hand, finished my salad, and later went to pick up the kids from school. I’d hoped to see one of the dads who had already read Author in St. Petersburg so I could show him my new book, but he wasn’t there. Still, it felt like a milestone day. I had my next book in print, flaws and all—and for the first time, that felt exactly right.
After picking up the kids and taking them home, I noticed my car’s air conditioning acting up again—another reminder that it’s time to try an independent mechanic instead of throwing more money at the Toyota dealership. Maybe I’ll finally save a few dollars and get a more honest diagnosis.
Once I got home, though, my thoughts shifted to a massage therapist. She had texted me about a week ago saying she wanted to keep our relationship professional after I’d asked her to go for a walk on the beach so we could talk. At the time, I didn’t reply because I wasn’t sure what to say. Tonight, I finally know.
I recorded a six-minute voice message for her. In the first half, I told her that if our relationship is going to be strictly professional, then this might be the end of it, because it’s too far to drive to Sarasota—an hour each way—for massages. I thanked her sincerely for all the sessions I’ve had with her, told her how much I appreciated our time together, and said that if this really is just going to stay professional, then it’s time to say goodbye. I also mentioned that I still have her website up on my hosting, and she’s welcome to leave it there indefinitely if she’d like.
In the second half of the message, I spoke from the heart. I told her I know she likes me, and I like her too. If she ever wants to explore something beyond a professional relationship, I’d be open to that. I reminded her that the last time we talked, she said she’d been stressed about moving. I told her that I’d just moved out myself into a new house during the past week—and while I did have one emotional moment where I cried for thirty minutes from grief the first night, the rest of the move was actually joyful and peaceful. I said I hoped she might imagine what it would be like to share life with someone who approached things that way—calmly, without anxiety, focused on joy. It’s not for everyone, I admitted, but it’s the way I live.
I also reminded her that she once said she felt a strong bond between us, and I told her I felt the same. But if she prefers to keep things exactly as they are, that’s fine too. I just needed to say what I felt—to give myself closure if this really is goodbye.
Later, I went to my Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. We had ten people tonight, the biggest turnout we’ve had so far. Everyone shared once, and the discussion was rich and balanced. We read from a couple of books, and after the meeting I talked with a few of the women. One of them gave me some advice about my wardrobe, saying I should focus more on my shirts because she rarely looks below that anyway. She also told me that she thinks I have a fantastic personality, that she enjoys hearing me speak, and that she feels very safe around me.
I already have her number—we’ve texted a little—and I had previously asked if she wanted to meet up to talk more about my life situation. She’d said maybe later. It’s interesting, because based on what she’s said, we might actually be compatible romantically, but she doesn’t seem very interested in taking things further. I’m not pushing it. I trust my intuition to read the room these days. It’s not always perfect, but it’s gotten sharp enough to spare me a lot of awkwardness and rejection.
That intuition is also what helps me maintain friendships without crossing boundaries. I can sense when someone just wants to stay friends, and I honor that. It’s important—especially now, when I have so many close female friends—to protect the comfort and respect in those relationships.
After the AA meeting, I went straight to my son’s soccer game. On the way there, one of my friends from the meeting called me—we ended up talking for about half an hour. She told me she was proud of how I’ve been handling the divorce, and I told her I was proud of how she’s navigating her work situation. We’ve known each other for years, so it felt like an easy, grounded conversation. She also shared her own divorce story, including how her ex-husband lives just two blocks away. She admitted that used to bother her, but now she finds it incredibly convenient. I could relate to that—sometimes what feels uncomfortable at first turns out to make life simpler.
After the call, I met my son at my mom’s house. I said goodnight to him and my daughter, spending about ten minutes there before heading out. My son and I split an Oreo ice cream sandwich—three bites were plenty for me. Beyond that, it’s just diminishing returns. Then I headed to my yoga studio for their Beerasana social event.
When I first heard about it earlier in the week, I had decided not to go. The word beer in the title was enough to put me off—I’m sober, and I generally avoid being around alcohol. But after deleting all the dating apps yesterday, I felt open to new experiences again. a yoga instructor had mentioned earlier in class that the event would be fun, so I decided to give it a try. I figured it would be a good opportunity to practice being social, to connect with people in person, and maybe meet someone I could have a real conversation with.
I’ve been thinking more about how to write these experiences honestly while respecting people’s privacy. In Author in St. Petersburg, I sometimes shared too much about friends or people I knew, and I felt uneasy about that afterward. So now I’m being careful—writing with transparency but not betrayal.
When I walked into the event, I was quickly drawn into conversation with a fairly attractive woman, a mother who mentioned she was in the process of getting divorced. We talked one-on-one for quite a while, and I got the sense that she found me attractive too—maybe even interested in a hookup. But based on some of the things she said, I knew that wouldn’t be a good idea. She told me she smokes a lot of weed, and that was enough for me to know we’re not aligned.
She explained that marijuana helps her relax at social events like this, helps with her anxiety. I told her I understood—it’s definitely effective—but I also shared that substances like that ultimately block growth. I explained that for me, alcohol and drugs were habits that disconnected me from my own emotions and made it harder to truly relax without external help. I told her how difficult sobriety was at first—the first few months were rough—but that now, eleven years later, I’m profoundly grateful to live completely sober.
I also explained that when you use drugs or alcohol regularly, they alter your perception of what’s happening around you. They make it harder to tune in to other people’s feelings or to see situations clearly. In AA language, they keep you stuck in selfishness and self-centeredness. I didn’t quote the Big Book directly, but I paraphrased the essence: those substances numb your sensitivity and limit your awareness.
She listened politely, maybe even thoughtfully, though I could tell she wasn’t about to quit anytime soon. Still, I left that conversation feeling clear and grounded. I know who I am, what I stand for, and how I want to connect with people now—authentically, soberly, and in real life.
I was buzzing with sexual energy tonight, the kind of restless, physical desire that hits after two weeks without sex, which is the longest stretch I’ve gone in fourteen years. The woman I’d been talking to at Beerasana was definitely attractive enough for me to want to hook up with, but I could feel clearly that I didn’t want anything long-term with her. I’m sure someone else will, or at least I hope so, but it’s not me.
In another life—if I were still drinking and not dead from it—I probably would’ve tried to sleep with her tonight. I could feel that pull between us, and I wasn’t sure whether the thought of going home together was coming more from me or if I was picking it up from her. Either way, I knew it would be a bad idea. Everything she’d said about her divorce sounded confrontational and emotionally charged, and that’s not energy I want in my life. I’ve already lived through enough of that.
As we mingled with other people, the spark I felt while talking with her one-on-one started to fade. In a group, she blended in with the chatter, and I realized how easily I get bored with small talk. Conversations about food, daily routines, or minor annoyances make me want to fall asleep. They’re fine for most people, but I crave depth—big ideas, emotions, self-awareness, spirituality, purpose. Those are the things that light me up. If you crave that kind of depth in your conversations too, I’d love for you to schedule a one-on-one call with me and go deep on the things that light you up.
I floated around the event, seeing several friends and joining in different conversations. One friend brought up something that really stuck with me—how valuable it is to have multiple books out. He said that once someone discovers one of your books, having more titles gives them somewhere to go next. From a marketing perspective, that’s powerful. If you can sell one book, you might sell ten more to the same person.
That conversation hit me with inspiration. I thought about how quickly I can write when I’m focused. If I keep my current pace, I can easily produce one or two books a month. And while I’ve been planning to go door-to-door and give away copies, it would be even better if I had a full catalog before doing that. Imagine walking up to someone’s door with I Was Famous on the Internet and saying, “I’ve written ten books—I’ll give you one for free. Which topic interests you most?” That would surprise people, maybe even impress them.
Anyone can publish a book or two, but having ten or twenty—that’s the mark of a professional. I’d love to reach that point within a year. At the rate I’m going, it’s completely possible. I already have another manuscript nearly finished, just waiting for me to go through the edits. If I can stay disciplined and keep distractions at bay this weekend, I’ll have book number four ready to go.
As the event winds down and people start gathering their things, the energy shifts. I can feel a kind of tension in the air—especially with the divorced mom I’d been talking to earlier. I get the sense she’s hoping I’ll ask her to come back to my place or at least suggest we spend more time together. But the more grounded part of me knows better. The potential cost feels way higher than the potential reward.
If it were the woman I had a crush on two years ago, that’d be different. I remember thinking that when I first walked into the event. If she were here, I’d be all in—whatever she wanted to do, I’d say yes. That’s how I want to feel about someone: excited, completely drawn in, with no hesitation. If I don’t feel that way, I’d rather stay single.
At one point, someone I’m talking to mentions how rough the dating scene is. I think about that for a moment and realize most people make it rough on themselves. For instance, if I asked this mom to come back with me and she said no, we’d both end up feeling awkward. And if she said yes, things would likely get even more complicated. Either way, I’d be creating unnecessary emotional mess. Instead, I just go home by myself—and everything stays simple.
When I head to my car, another woman I’d been chatting with earlier asks if I can give her a ride because she parked far away. As I walk to the car with her, I notice the mom getting into her vehicle next to mine. She looks upset. I can’t tell why—maybe she’s disappointed I didn’t make a move, or maybe she’s dealing with something else entirely. Maybe she just doesn’t want to go home alone. I don’t know, and I’m not going to assume. I just notice the possibility that she’s hurting a bit.
Driving home, I feel unexpectedly peaceful. Grateful, even. Coming home alone feels safe—like the right decision. If I want to eventually bring home someone I’m truly thrilled about, someone who matches me emotionally and spiritually, then it’s better not to fill that space with halfhearted connections. The temptation to “just have some fun” is always there, but in my experience, casual hookups rarely stay casual. Someone always gets attached, and it usually ends in confusion or sadness.
I’d much rather have her go home tonight feeling slightly rejected than wake up tomorrow with both of us feeling trapped in a situation that doesn’t fit. A small hurt now is so much better than a bigger one later.
When I get home, all that energy is still humming, but I head to bed alone and at peace. I’d rather channel it than act on it carelessly, trusting it will be there when I eventually meet the right woman.
Tonight, I tried setting up the Hatch that my ex-wife gave me next to my bed, hoping to use it as a sunrise alarm, but after twenty minutes of fiddling with buttons and settings, I couldn’t get it to do anything. I had planned to go to bed early, and even though it’s 11:33 p.m., I guess that’s early enough for me. I’ll probably set my phone alarm for around 7:15 a.m. tomorrow so I can get up and see the kids.
As I settle into bed, I think about how grateful I am for everyone who showed up at my yoga studio tonight. It was a good crowd, and I genuinely enjoyed the atmosphere. I had a great chat with the DJ, who was kind enough to play “Quetzalcoatl” by Deadmau5 for me. Most of her set was dance, techno, and house music, so it was cool to hear something I requested.
There was one woman there who was friendly and pulled me close for a moment, but I must’ve come off icy cold because she quickly moved on. My mind immediately analyzed the situation: she was drinking too much, and being around people who are drunk just makes me uncomfortable now. It’s not judgment—it’s just that I can feel how off their energy is. It’s like standing next to someone who’s mildly poisoned. Everything about the interaction feels artificial, and I can’t fake chemistry through that. She was attractive, but again, not someone I could see myself in a real relationship with.
Sometimes I worry that being this selective could leave me single for the rest of my life. But I also have faith that the right woman is out there. Someone I’ll be truly excited to be with, and she’ll feel the same about me. One day, when I look back and read this entry, these words will sound prophetic. I’ll be living with her, maybe married, maybe even raising kids together, and I’ll see how all these near-misses and moments of restraint made perfect sense. Each “no” I said created the space for the right “yes.”
What I see most people struggling with—especially in relationships—is their inability to say no to things that don’t truly align. They fill their lives with people or commitments that only half fit, then wonder why there’s no room for what they really want. That’s why I’m not interested in casual hookups just because I feel the urge. I’d rather wait for the right person than invite unnecessary drama into my life. If you’re wrestling with what to say yes or no to in your own dating life, you can book a private call with me and we can think it through together.
Still, I’ll admit there’s a little fear that I might cave at some point. Fortunately, the mom from earlier didn’t make a move on me tonight. If she had asked me to come back to her place, I honestly don’t know what I would’ve said. I hope I would’ve had the presence of mind to say no kindly and let her down gently, but I can’t be sure. The temptation would’ve been strong.
Even so, lying here now, I’m deeply content. There’s a real joy in coming home to my own quiet space and feeling at peace here. I love that I can be happy by myself. That’s the real foundation—because from that place, I can trust that someone else will eventually want to join me here, not to fill a void but to share the fullness of it. Somewhere in St. Pete, I figure there are at least a hundred women who could be the one. If I stay clear, patient, and grounded, I believe life will lead me straight to her.
If you connect with how I live and think, you can follow the rest of my days on YouTube in my Dating playlist.