Firing Up the 1989 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on My Original NES
Let's play! This is the 1989 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and I've got it on the Nintendo Entertainment System today. I'm very excited to play this with you all. I still have never beat this game, although I beat The Manhattan Project with my brother a bunch of times. I'm looking forward to sharing this game with you. I tried it beforehand just to make sure it was working, and dude, I got wrecked — I literally died like before the game even started. I took this cartridge to my local M&M video game store, and they had to clean the game up for me before it would even run.
Damn, these things — we've got to work on killing those. We just lost a bunch of hit points on that, man. Oh nice, killed it. Oh, there's a pizza. So a little backstory: this is a game my grandmother and grandfather bought me at a garage sale. They bought this at a garage sale in 1990-something. Nice, what did I just get? Oh, I got stars — oh my God, thank you. There's a pizza. Dude, what a cheap-ass pizza. Doesn't even give you full health. Come on, man. Cheap-ass pizza doesn't even give you full health.
All right, seriously — do you have to run first, and then you can jump? Okay. I mean, that's actually realistic, which is unexpected in a 1989 game. You've got to get some momentum before you jump.
Bebop, Frog Bastards, and Losing the Whole Game in Ten Minutes
All right, we got some stars. Hopefully we can take Bebop out with these stars. This dude's just camping the corner. Oh, those stars are nice. Yes! God! Gotcha, Bebop. Let's go. Oh man, I've lost two turtles on level one already. Good God, dude. This building is pretty much just a pizza house too — I don't even think you really need to go in there. Let's use Donatello. Oh my God, I was looking at my chat and they whacked me. Oh boy, it's like a super frog guy. Yes, we got him without losing a hit point. Can't you drop a pizza or something? Come on. Damn, I've got to fight fire guys on the way back. This game is — oh my God, this game is — dude, this is terrible. I don't even get a pizza for beating this boss. There's another frog bastard. Oh my God, this game is rude.
Dude, Donatello's got a long, thick bow. Enemies damn respawn right on you — that shit is ridiculous. I might have to watch a YouTube video on how to beat this game. Yeah, this game is still a good game, but I don't even get a pizza for beating this boss. Down to orbs. Crazy Ernie — dead. Yard — dude, that was insane. I lost the whole game in ten minutes. You literally have to start over. I just got ran over and died. Can we start this thing over? Almost — oh my God, I just got splatted. I barely started the game. Holy crap, that's nuts. That is nuts.
Wait, hold up — you get these boomerangs back? Oh God, yes, these are good. This is what you need right here. This is exactly what you need. Oh my God, these boomerangs are overpowered. Oh no — if you throw them over there, they go off the screen. Damn that little thing. Oh, these boomerangs are sexy, and you get them back too. Dude, Donatello's bow goes hella far. Holy crap, his bow goes far. Oh shit, dude, his bow goes so far. The fuck — no, I can beat him. Oh shit, yes! Finally beat him without even having stars. All right, we're gonna get your ass this time, Rocksteady. Gotcha, bitch! There we go. All right, we got Rocksteady down. We made progress.
The Bomb-Defusing Dam Level and What My Five-Year-Old Taught Me About Effort
Oh, this is the timed stage two, isn't it? My brother still remembers this level. He was like, "Oh, that's the game where you've got to defuse the bombs, isn't it?" This is a great game — I mean, hard. Oh, you've got to constantly hit A or you die. Good job — a fine example of the choice you made. Holy shit, dude. Holy shit, this game is wild, man. Give me that bomb. Ah hell, that shit hurt. Oh, there's this to deal with too. All right, I got this bomb done. Ow — fuck me, it is hard. That's what she said. Oh, that's some bullshit right there. Oh Lord, dude.
A lot of things in life are just straight-up practice. Like, my daughter beat my high score in — it's not Frogger, it's Crossy Road — my daughter beat my high score in Crossy Road because she plays more. She played it more, she put more effort into it, and even though she's five, she was able to beat my score because she put more effort into it. A lot of life is effort. And that's why a lot of us don't like to play new games or different games: if you play something you haven't played in a long time, or you play something that's new to you, almost anybody is going to have a significant learning curve at it.
All right, we're in the final seconds of this, and there's one bomb right here. I hope this is the last one or I'm done. Oh no, there's more. This is crazy — you basically have to swim this thing first try. Come on, so close. Oh, there's one up there. Is that the last one? Go! No — that was the last one. All right. Oh damn, it straight up pushes you back to the beginning too. Damn. Okay, this game is not messing around. We've learned a lot about this game. All right, so now we'll run Donatello on the boss. Oh my God, we still lost a lot of health, but Donatello is very effective — you can learn to defeat a lot of bosses without them even reaching you. Nice. Now, is it worth it to go in here and get a pizza, or am I looking to lose a turtle if I go in here? Oh my God, I got ran over by that dumbass thing in the road. That's so brutal. I'm done right now. I'm done. Reset that shit. Oh my God — it straight up ran my ass over in the road.
Raphael Don't Want No Scrubs
All right, let's have Raphael running around out here, because nobody gives a shit if he gets ran over. Yeah, we started over — that was rough. ROUGH! Oh — if you're about to get hit, you could just switch turtles, couldn't you? You could! If you're about to get hit, you just throw Raphael in and make him take that punch. That's awesome. All right, yep — Raphael don't want no scrubs. A scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me. Sorry, Raphael. That's what you get for being so angsty.
Dude, that's actually sweet. I'm glad this Nintendo still works. It's amazing — this is one of the only things my grandparents ever gave me that I still have. This Nintendo was bought over 30 years ago, and it still works. Come on, let's turn it up.
There's one more bomb. Fuck! There's one more bomb, and I've got like the smallest-ass percentage of health. Tell me I don't have to swim out of this thing. Son of a fucking bitch! Oh, one health left. Shit. It's nice when you stack multiple curse words together for effect — that's where you really get good. We're playing so much better than we were before, though. In life, when you do some new stuff, you're just going to suck at it — but if you can get through that period of suck, then you can go on to blow up. Fucking swim! Jeez, man! We've got to get those things down — these things have been shitting on us, and this little stretch of bullshit too. This is — fucking — what is this? Electric seaweed? Why is this — that is rude, that's what that is. I'd like Raphael to take one more hit; ideally we don't want Raphael to get double-shotted, though — fuck, that screws everything up. Now — shit — oh, gone. Yo, man, that ruined everything right there. Now we've got to go all the way through this shit again, and we only have one turtle at full health. I'll make sure to switch them at two health instead of one health next time. Damn. Ass. I know there's one more bomb I've got to go get. Swim, for fuck's sake — I'm hitting the A button, I am spamming the A button. Swim, you little bastard.
We're getting so much better at this game. I'm gonna fuck this game. That's kind of why I wanted to play it again — because this game annihilated me and my brother when we were kids. I'm like, I'm gonna fuck this game; it's not gonna have its way with me. I don't even know how far I've ever gotten in this game — I'm pretty sure my brother and I got farther than this damn level, but I'm always laughing. Good — after 30 years, this game still kicks our asses. It does.
I Believe That We Will Win
All right, here we go — let's do this. Go get those bombs, haul ass. We got it. Positive affirmations, words of affirmation: we're gonna do this. I believe that we will win. Come on, swim your little ass off. Oh, you only took — well, you took two shots, but that was better than the 18 you took before, so that's good. Oh shit, come on, baby. Let's make sure this time we get that bomb that was down low — we handled that one better than we thought we would. Oh — he touched me right in the ass. Is there a way we can do this without getting hit? That was pretty close. All right, we're going to make sure we do not let a character die. Wait, no — is this the one — this is the one where — yeah. Fuck. All right, when they're at two health we switch off of them. Get in there. Damn bastard. All right — shit, I was hoping for just one hit. All right, we got that one. Fuck! All right, switch. Switch to Leo. Gee, this game is silly. All right, we got this, though. Switch off. One minute left — we've got to watch our time too. Come on, Leo. Yes, he didn't take a hit. Nice. Oh shit — yes! All right, we got that one.
All right, we're going to swim through that section purely for time considerations — that'll save us a couple of seconds, and right now it's probably going to come down to our time. That spot hit me like several times before, so we're just going to swim. What? I don't remember that little bastard being on. That's fucked up. What, it puts that down there? Oh shit, I don't remember that. Oh — because that's off when I swim through here. Okay. All right, come on — 30 seconds. Go, bitch! No! Get the fuck out of there — that's a one-hit death right there. Yes! Only got touched once. Come on, come on, we got it. Swim through there. Oh shit — oh yeah! There it is! Let's go! We got it!
Now, holy shit, look at this map. All right, let's run around with somebody at low health in case we get ran over by a vehicle. Oh my God, look at this map right now. Okay, I thought this was an enemy, but this is on our team — that's the Turtle Van, isn't it? Hell yeah. Oh, this thing fires shots. Let's go. Oh, that's nice — this thing's awesome. All right, we're in the Turtle Mobile. Awesome. These old games make you appreciate how easy some of these new games are. Like, in new games you can just constantly save if you fuck up — not a big deal.
Out of Continues: Die, Bitch!
These old games, they're like, die, bitch! The only way you're going to replay this, since it has one level, is if we kill the shit out of you 80 times. Fuck! Go, girlfriend. I'm your mother. All right, there we go. Oh, don't tell me I'm out of continues. Bitch made! I'm out of continues? Fuck! Oh! Go on — yo, me! Let's run this thing one more time. We'll run it again and see how much better we can do.
Ironically, when things are hard, it makes me want them. Giggity! Fuck! Ironically, it's the things that are challenging that make us really want more of them. I think some of these new games are too easy — they don't make us really want them that much, because they're so easy. I think these old games really got to a lot of us precisely because they're so hard.
Small Consistent Improvements and Being Happy Where You're At
Oh, we made it through that stretch with a record — not nearly as many hits as we've taken in the past. That was really a big improvement. In life, we tend to think we need to make these huge improvements all the time — like, that was a huge improvement over what I did before. But really, if you can make a little series of improvements consistently in your life, if you can just do a little bit better each day, things are going to go really well for you. All you need to do is make a series of consistent little improvements, and you're going to do great. Ah, fuck! Damn it! That's it right there. GGs, dude. That's it.
One of the main things to being happy in life is to be happy where you're at. One of our main sources of unhappiness in life is thinking we ought to be somewhere else, or that we'd be better off somewhere else. Like, I'm happy with where I'm at with this game — this is where I should be at with it. I haven't played it in 20 years. That mistake was going to cost a couple of seconds, and I'm right where I should be with this game. And it's actually fun to learn and struggle. Life gets boring if you're not learning or struggling with anything. There's probably a lot of us that are depressed and feel like our lives have no meaning because there's nothing outwardly challenging us — our lives are too easy.
This is the last one right here. Yes! Beat it! There we go! Look how much better we just did on that one — we just beat that level fast. Very nice. All right, we're going to end on a high note. I know it's kind of a crime to turn it off right now, but it's time to go. If you enjoyed raging through this NES classic with me, there are plenty more retro beatdowns and gaming sessions waiting for you on my Games playlist.