Winning at Dating by Focusing on Effort, Not Outcome
I'm winning at dating today because I'm making an effort, I feel great about the effort I'm putting in, and I'm not defining success based on the outcome. I'm going to make an analogy that changed how I look at dating, because in my experience, if dating feels awful, it's because you're judging things based on the outcome. You're judging on dating apps like Hinge whether you get a match, or whether you get a reply, or whether someone wants to go out with you, getting a second date, building a relationship, getting married, having kids. But here's the thing: all of that takes someone else to participate, and all I can do is put in the effort myself.
I made this basketball analogy in my Kobe Bryant titled video, and it's changed the way I've looked at dating. I used to look at dating as: if I'm not getting laid, if I'm not meeting a woman and having amazing chemistry and working towards a relationship and having a marriage and another family, then I'm failing. And then dating consistently became painful, because all I saw was failure. I was making an effort, but I kept thinking everything was a failure.
The Basketball Shift That Doubled My Three-Point Percentage
What changed was in another area of my life: basketball. I was at the gym one day after two decades of shooting basketball — as a kid in middle school, spending hours and hours outside every day shooting and having fun playing — and after two decades, it occurred to me that I should be playing basketball, and I should focus on the effort and on every success. I can put in the effort, I can try and take the shots, and then I should celebrate every time a shot goes in, instead of getting more frustrated when a shot misses and then just feeling a little bit of relief when one goes in.
I instantly doubled my three-pointer percentage after twenty years of getting mostly frustrated shooting three-pointers, telling stories that I can't shoot very well, that I'm not a three-point shooter, that I'm better in the middle of the game. And I was like, whatever. I doubled my three-point percentage instantly when I started focusing on this: I'm going to put in the effort, and I'm going to put in the effort until I make 100 three-pointers, and I'm going to do that as fast as possible. In order to do that as fast as possible, I need to focus on every time a shot goes in and basically ignore the shots that miss. When a shot misses, just go grab the ball as soon as possible, set up, and shoot again as soon as possible.
100 Roses on Hinge: Taking Shots in Dating
I'm doing the same thing with dating that I did with basketball. I've bought 100 roses on Hinge this week. I've sent over 90 of them out. I've sent out probably another 100 priority likes. I paid for Hinge premium. Within the last week, I met a woman in person and scheduled a date with her. I've got a date scheduled in a couple of hours — I just texted to confirm that it works today. And within the last month, I met a woman at yoga, dated her for a week, had an awesome time, and then I hurt, and it fell apart. But all of that's okay. Because to me, if I'm putting in the effort, I'm setting myself up for success, and I can celebrate every effort I make. I can celebrate every time I take a shot.
I just took a shot with a rose, which is $2 per shot on Hinge. I spent $180 of my $200 and took shots with 91 different women. I matched with a few of them that I unmatched. I matched with a couple of them after starting the conversation — one, who already knew me in real life, said, oh, we can be great friends. Unmatch. And most of my shots so far are still in the air. That's what's tough with dating: you don't often get instantaneous feedback. Lots of times it's like this — I just matched with a doctor who's more than a decade younger than me. I sent her a rose a few days ago, and she just matched me and started communicating with me today. So dating is hard because it's not as simple and instant as taking a shot and immediately seeing whether it goes in or not. Sometimes I take 90 shots with roses, and then I wait while all the balls are metaphorically in the air, and I'm wondering which ones went in. So yes, it's a lot more emotionally difficult than basketball.
Emotional Maturity Is the Story You Tell Yourself
All these women say they want an emotionally mature and intelligent man, and to me, a big part of managing emotions is the stories you're telling. When I tell myself the truth of it, I felt so good sitting on the couch today. I made an effort. I've got one date scheduled a couple hours from now, from Hinge. I've met at least one woman I really liked from Hinge earlier this year. And I've had several other dates, which were adventures, which were conversations with new people — one of which was a woman catfishing me, and I called her out on it, which I've talked about in previous videos. What I know is that when I make an effort, I'm setting myself up for success. Success is built on effort.
It's the same with my work. I've filmed six YouTube videos today — this is the second one about dating. I can't control how many views I get on my videos, but I can control the effort I put into them. I'm going to get more of my YouTube channels monetized, I'm going to make more and more income, and I'm going to help more and more people who are struggling with dating to have a better way of looking at it. A lot of these videos out there talking about how broken dating is completely miss this. My videos are different. They're authentic, heartfelt dating, where I want to help as many people as possible find an amazing person to love and to build a life with. Maybe that's never in a position to go viral on the algorithm. But every person my videos help to have a great relationship — that's a huge success. I can't control that, though. All I can do is show up every day, try, and make an effort.
Putting the Effort in the Right Place
Now, yes, you don't want to make an effort in the wrong place. So I test where my efforts are appreciated and where they aren't. It's like on a basketball court: I decided I like to practice and make the effort for three-pointers, because then when I play one-on-one and I can drain three-pointers, it makes it hard to play one-on-one against me. And when I play a game with other people, if my specialty is shooting three-pointers, I know what I need to do and I can contribute offensively. So I figure out where my effort belongs. If I'm trying to put my effort into dunking on a ten-foot hoop at 5'11", at 42 years old, not even generally getting within a foot of the hoop, that's probably not effort that's ever going to lead to the result.
So I consistently look at which efforts I'm making and try to optimize where the effort is going into getting results. I tried writing books — I have 35 books published on Amazon — and those efforts were getting almost no results. So I switched to YouTube videos. Now I've got a half million YouTube views organically, for free, in the last four months. That effort has led to success. But in order to do that, I've published 423 videos since May 18th, and I published about 100 or so, maybe 200, before that. I put in the effort for the YouTube videos, and then I got the results.
I know that with dating, all I need to do is keep putting in the right effort. The right effort is reaching out and taking shots. I need to reach out, introduce myself to women in person, say hi, and constantly play with conversations to see who's interested in me. If someone's interested, see if they want to go out with me. If they want to go out with me, then I put the effort into planning the date. So many women say they want a man who puts in the effort — which, ironically, is probably because they're dating a lot of men who aren't that interested in them. I'm putting in the effort, and some woman, I'm sure, will really appreciate the effort I put in, and I'll appreciate that she appreciates it.
Effort Doesn't Guarantee Success — It Guarantees You Can Feel Good
To me, effort doesn't guarantee success, but it guarantees that you can feel good. You're showing up, you're trying. And if you feel bad about the results, then it's time to adjust the effort being put in. You don't have to make up a story about how you're not worthwhile. I think I look pretty good when it comes to dating. I think I have a beautiful face. My body fat is under 20%, and one reason it's not much lower is that I used to be over 30%, so I still have some of the skin that hangs. But I have a lean body, and I'm in fantastic health. I put a lot of effort into taking care of myself and being the kind of man who's in the kind of shape that a woman I find attractive is going to want to date.
When I got divorced, my friends were all like, you can't divorce her — she's so hot, you'll never find a woman that attractive again. Wrong. I'm going to find another woman that attractive, because how many men are willing to spend $200 on Hinge roses and take that many shots? Even if I miss most of the time — even if I miss the vast majority of the time — if I get a handful of matches, which converts into a few dates, then there's a chance I end up in a relationship I'm really happy with. And therefore I put the effort into being the kind of man I'm proud to be, the kind of man who's ready to receive what I want. Then I put the effort into reaching out, offering my hand to say, hey, I want to go out with you — let's go out. I put the effort into paying the bill. I put the effort into planning dates and showing up. I put the effort into text messaging, voice memos, phone calls. And then I feel successful every day, because the journey is part of the fun.
If you immediately knew that you were going to find an amazing person and have a great life with them, wouldn't that take the fun out of it? I know sometimes I feel like, man, what if I don't get this right? What if I put in all this effort and I never have another great relationship? I don't know. Part of the fun is having that doubt.
Part of the Fun Is Not Knowing
Part of the fun is not knowing. And part of the fun is that, yes, it might never work out. I might never have another happy marriage. I might not have any more kids. I might never find a woman I'm really excited to date again. But as long as I'm putting in the effort, I feel successful. Just like as long as I'm out there on the basketball court taking shots, I'm saying thank you that I can shoot three-pointers. And then I can be certain some of them are going to go in. I just focus on the shots that go in, and I focus on the shots I take.
I had a friend who told me this one day. He said, Jerry, I feel good when I take a risk — a risk that's taken for the right reasons, like reaching out and offering to go on a date with somebody, or sending a rose. I took the risk for the right reason. And I've learned that I feel good when I take those risks, when I make myself vulnerable. Even if my feelings get hurt and it doesn't work out, at least I'm putting in the effort, and I feel successful every day.
Every Step Is a Success
So I'm inviting you to tell the story that as long as you're making an effort in the direction of what you want, as long as you're taking steps, you don't have to wait for the outcome to feel successful. Take a marathon, for example — well, I've never run a marathon, so how about this: I've run nine miles before. If you're starting on a nine-mile run, every step you take is part of getting the nine miles run. Every step along the way is a success, and you need every single step to get to the nine miles. I can't just jump straight to a marriage and children at this point. But every step I take along the way is a step in the right direction. And every step I take assures me that at some point, someone is going to match my effort, dance with me, and we're going to have a great life.
Tell Me If This Inspired You
So if this inspired you, tell me. You can post it and share it when you join the Jerry Banfield Family, direct message me, ask me for feedback, and share things you have questions about.
If dating is something you're working on, there's plenty more where this came from in my Dating playlist, where I share the whole journey as it happens.
You can also ask for a private one-on-one call with me. Lots of times, just having somebody listen and witness where you're at today will produce amazing transformation.
Based on what I'm saying here, you can count on me to be an empathetic listener, to share from my experience, and to always leave you feeling like your efforts are worthy of feeling successful today.